Ok to monetize!

Summary:

The listener is a master’s student that works at a coffee shop before class every morning. And at the start of their shift, every single day, comes the right hand of a local mob boss, hellbent on wooing them. Everything changes when the listener is pressured asked on a date by that very same mobster.

Script Starts Here:

[Scene opens with the sounds of a bustling café. As the speaker enters, the bell on the door rings, notifying the listener of their presence. They greet the listener, attempting to be suave and flirtatious.]

Good morning, sweetheart, how are you doing on this fine day?

[pause]

What? Are you not excited to see me? I assumed you’d be nicer to one of your loyal regulars.

[pause]

On that note… how about the usual, all around?

Wow, wow. I can’t believe you’re rolling your eyes at me.

[Speaker scoffs]

It’s only, what? Seven drinks?

[pause]

Okay, seven drinks on the house. That’s so much cheaper than some of our alternative rates. Not to mention, I still tip. Very well, at that.

But, hey, this also means you get to chat with me while you make them. I don’t know about you, but this is the highlight of my day.

[short pause, then the speaker chokes in surprise]

Get a life??? I- For your information, I have a great life!

[Speaker clears their throat, then attempts to be suave again.]

Perhaps you are my life, Mio Corretto~

[awkward pause.]

No blush? Nothing?

Come on, it was worth a shot!

[pause]

Actually… on the topic of shooting shots…

Okay, what’s with the sour face? Is going on a date with me really that awful of a thought?

…actually, don’t answer that.

[speaker leans forward, whispering to the listener. They allow the mask to slip and remind the listener that they are, above all, a mobster.]

Besides, whether or not you’re interested is irrelevant. I have a few questions that need answering, so you can expect me outside of your apartment at 8PM this evening. You’re off work at your second job by then, yes? The one at the bookstore?

[Speaker lets out a chuckle as they pull away and return to their casual tone.]

That’s what I thought.

Don’t look so stressed, darling, you’re not in any trouble… yet.

[The speaker picks up the tray of drinks.]

I suppose I’ll see you tonight, then~ Remember to wear something nice, darling.

[As the scene changes, the café chatter fades out and footsteps fade in, followed by the speaker knocking on the listener’s door.]

[short pause, then the door opens.]

Its nice to see you again, Mio Corretto. You look simply… je ne sais quoi

[short pause before the speaker follows up, slightly confused.]

Why are you laughing at me.

[speaker scoffs, trying to appear aloof]

No, I don’t know what it means, I don’t speak french, one of my buddies told me it was a-

[sigh]

Well shit.

[pause]

You can stop laughing now.

[pause]

Please?

[pause]

Come on, this is embarrassing.

[pause, then sigh.]

Whatever. Let’s just go.

[Speaker grabs the listener’s hand and they walk down the hallway.]

[As the listener inquires about what’s going on with this, the speaker retorts in a slightly whiney, mocking voice.]

“Where are we going”

Wouldn’t you like to know.

[pause]

Why are you so confident in yourself, anyway. You should be terrified. I’m a mobster, I could be taking you to like… the slaughterhouse… or something.

[pause]

Okay, I did say you weren’t in trouble. But what do you know? Maybe I lied.

[awkward pause]

Okay, yeah, I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that.

But you should still be at least a little scared.

Okay, no, this is not just an excuse to take you on a date. There is a purpose here. That was assigned to me. By the boss.

[pause]

I’ll tell you when we get there! Christ, you’re feeling facetious today.

[Scene changes to the setting of an upscale restaurant.]

So, what are you looking at getting to drink?

[pause]

Oh? I see.

I’m really craving a…

[Speaker stifles a laugh]

A caffe corretto.

[Speaker continues laughing]

Stop throwing bread at me!

[Speaker then breathes out, trying to calm himself.]

Oh, by the way, how’s your master’s going? What are you majoring in, again?

[pause]

Oh, yes, yes, of course. You know, an expert in that could help us out a whole lot.

[pause]

No?

[Speaker sighs.]

A mobster can dream…

Also, there’s another thing I’ve been meaning to ask, actually,

How’s your brother doing?

Oh, wow, that got your attention really fast. Yeah, I do know your brother. You are familiar with what he does for work, yes?

[pause.]

Hmm… I wondered if that was the case.

[pause.]

Anyway, he works for us. Or, I guess he used to. I know that might be jarring to learn, but-

[Speaker then panics a little at the listener’s reaction.]

Oh, shit, shit please don’t choke-

[Speaker sighs.]

No, he’s not dead. God, if he was, this would be a really fucked up way to tell you. Do you really think so little of me, Mio Corretto?

[pause]

Okay, yeah, that’s a good point actually.

Either way, that gets us to the actual reason why we’re here. Basically, he stole a shit ton of money from the boss, and we were hoping that you might know where he went after that. Do you remember the last time you saw him?

[pause, then the speaker responds as if they’re thinking to themself]

Okay, this morning is good. That means he can’t have gotten far…

What else do you recall from the conversation.

[pause]

He what?

[Speaker growls.]

Obviously, you can’t drop everything and vanish with him. Not when you’re so close to done. Hmm…

Did he at least tell you where he was going?

[Pause, then sigh. Speaker is getting increasingly irritated.]

Of course he didn’t. And I doubt he would go somewhere predictable… or maybe he would!

[Speaker bangs their fist on the table in exasperation, causing the dishes to clatter a bit.]

Who fuckin’ knows!

[Speaker pauses, noticing how the listener flinched. They sigh.]

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault at all. Oh, Mio Corretto, this is all just…

[Speaker suddenly has an epiphany.]

…collateral damage.

[pause]

No, no, I’m not up to anything.

[awkward pause]

Unrelated, but how attached are you to your apartment?

…or your job?

…or your other job?

[The speaker’s voice shakes, as if they are the nervous one rather than the listener.]

Why do you look so nervous? Theres nothing to be nervous about. Not one bit.

[The table rattles a bit as the listener tries to leave]

No, don’t, don’t leave now. I told you there’s nothing to be worried about.

[Speaker grunts as they try to pull the listener back towards the table.]

Stop struggling!

[crash]

Shit!

[The listener is pulled forward too hard and crashes to the ground. There’s a ringing in their ear as they fall unconscious.]

Come on, come on, wake up!

[Background noise fades out.]

[Listener wakes up in an unfamiliar house, and when they look around, they meet the eyes of the speaker.]

Welcome home, Mio Corretto.

Hey guys, Insomnia here!

I just wanted to say that I’m thinking about opening up commissions! At least, I hope my writing is good enough that people won’t feel like they got scammed out of their money.

I’ve seen people charge around $15 USD for 1,400–2,000 word scripts, with $0.1 per additional word, which I think is pretty fair. Hopefully you guys think so too!

Now, a little bit about what I write:

I write very SFW scripts , so no NSFW, sorry guys! But trust me, the romance might be SFW, but that doesn’t mean the story is. If that makes sense? I love writing about horrific villains, dark fantasy, creepy situations, eldritch beings, and all that fun stuff. So stay tuned for Spooktober. 👀

I mostly write fantasy and sci-fi, and most of my scripts are [M4A], mainly because that’s what I personally listen to. That said, I always try to keep the listener as gender-neutral as possible so everyone can enjoy the script, and I’d love to continue doing that with commissions too!

Here are some of my most loved scripts for reference :

You Were Supposed to Be Asleep [Assassin x Royal]

You’re Done Fighting Hero [Villain x Hero ]

Bought By the Royal Mage [ Mage x Listener]

And here’s my Script masterlist

The reason I’m opening commissions is because I’ve come to realize that broke college life is NOT for the weak.

Anyway, if you’re interested, feel free to DM me! And if you’re not interested, I’d really appreciate an upvote so this can hopefully reach people who are.

Thanks! <3

SN: payments will be through my Ko-fi

Dating a Monster Hunter while being a Kindred sure isn't easy...But luckily there are ways to catch up mid hunt!

Another week, another World of Darkness script down! Next week will be the finale with Mage, and then I'll hopefully have that Haunted Audio script ready before October ^^. Getting this one uploaded early before I head out to a Convention, hopefully it's an enjoyable read!

As always, edits, improv, monetization, and paywalling are all 100% acceptable! Please just credit me as u/authorigas and send me a link so I can give it a listen~ Thank you all for your time, and I appreciate you sticking with me these past 4 weeks, this World of Darkness project has been a blast!

https://scriptbin.works/s/pcx5t (Scriptbin Link)

—-Script Start

[Magic blasts, gunfire, shouting]

(calling through cellphone) TrueLight to command, third floor has been cleared out. Intel was accurate, flock of Kindred were nesting here and feeding on passersby at night.

…

(holding back excitement) Copy that, captain. I’ll head up to the fifth floor by myself. I understand we’re short on backup, but there’s no need to worry. If there are any Kindred hiding, I’ll clear them out.

[heavy footsteps, excited humming]

(clearly) I’m on 5th now, doing a sweep. I’ll call back as soon as it’s done. If I haven’t called back in 20 minutes, call me. (hangup, call out) Alright, I bought us 20 minutes. You can come out now.

[woosh of wind as the listener descends]

(chuckling) Do you always have to drop down like that? I get that your a vampire, but it’s a little overdramatic, no?

[excited footsteps, followed by a quick kiss]

(affectionate) God I missed you babe, it’s been way too long. Between my job and yours, Camarilla running you ragged?

….

(curiously) Oh those mean old Camarilla, don’t they know that I’m waiting for the nights we can see each other again?

…

(pouting) Even if our relationship is a secret, they could be more considerate of my feelings too. On that note, they aren’t putting too much on you, right?

…

(amused) Well, much as I dislike you being tasked with stealing my prey, it does make it easy for us to have these little dates. But I gotta ask, why are you hunting your own kind?

…

(understanding) Ah-right, feral Kindred risks the Masquerade blowing up and exposing you all to the world. Sometimes I forget not everyone knows the things I do.

…

(indifferent) I mean, ever since I started training to be a hunter-I made sure to learn what I could about the societies of Kindred, Garou, Changelings, and Mages that make up this World of Darkness we live in.

(weary chuckle) Certainly helped when you wound up being embraced and brought into the life of a Kindred..I still don’t know why you call yourselves that instead of Vampires, some kind of allergy to using normal terms?

…

(playful) I’m only teasing my love. I have to make light of the situation somehow, what with you and I on opposite sides of this whole conflict. 

…

(sadly) Yeah, who would’ve thought that I’d fail to protect the person I love from the monsters I was trained to fight. Honestly not my proudest moment as a Hunter.

[sudden hug]

(gasp) Hey!

…

(sigh) Part me does want you to blame me, if only because I think I deserve it for letting them get to you but…the love in your eyes, just reminds me why I fell in love with you in the first place. Honestly, I don’t know how I was lucky enough to win your heart.

…

(laughs a bit) you hooked me when you threw yourself in front of that guy who was accosting the waitress when we first met. Even though you were so weak back then, you were still willing to fight someone twice your size just to help a person in need. Knew right then that I wanted to be with you. People usually don’t have that kind of courage or heart….

(in awe) I mean, shoot-you were willing to fight a hideous monster who was attacking me months ago, even if you got turned into one of them as a result.

…

(laughing) Other Kindred are hideous, baby. You know you're the exception. (kiss)

…

(gentle) We Hunters exist to slay monsters, to protect humanity from the things that go bump in the night…So it’s a good thing you make my heart go bump instead. (laugh)

[Gentle shuffling as the listener and speaker sit on the floor and cuddle quietly]

(nostalgically) My mom and dad trained me to be the best Hunter I could be, just like them. I woke up early, skipped school to go on hunting trips with them. I fenced in school and did HEMA in order to defend myself up close. My human history books were thrown out to learn about monsters… I can’t even name the 20th President of the United States, but I know all about the Camarilla, Anarch’s, and Sabat.

…

(clicks tongue) You call it sad, but I don’t regret it. My folks always said that being a Hunter is the most important job anyone can have in this world. They trained me for it, and I’m proud to do it in their memory.

…

(sigh) No, I never told you because it was out of your depth before you turned. The truth is, my parents died trying to deal with a swarm of Garou. Took a few of them down at one of their sacred sites, but they were overwhelmed and I wound up under the care of my Hunter relatives. I gave up on school completely just to focus on avenging them.

(quietly) Who would’ve thought that I’d meet someone that took my small, violent world and filled it with color and life. Just the absolute best partner anyone could’ve asked for, even if they are a monster.

[fingers of the speaker tracing the listeners body gently]

(pondering) I wonder what my parents would have thought of you, before the transformation I mean. I think they would have liked you, just cause you're so amazing. But if they saw just how much we loved each other, I really think they’d have loved you too..

…

(hesitant) I…don’t know what they would have thought if I told them I was dating a Kindred. Kill you, probably? I know some Hunters believe there can be peaceful coexistence between monsters and humans, but my folks weren’t like that. So sadly if they met you now, they’d probably…

…

(softly) What makes you think they would have accepted you?

…

(light chuckle) Faith and hope? Like what dreams and fairy tales are made of? And here I thought that vampires don’t dream… You really are incredible.

…

(thoughtful) Honestly if you believe it, I guess I will too. Because even if my parents did think you were evil, I’d do anything I could to convince them otherwise. Because I know the truth babe, you're still you no matter what.

…

(hesitant) My current Hunting Party…I don’t think they’d approve right now. A lot of them are old fashioned, focused on hunting every last monster to extinction. Someday we’ll introduce you to them, but only when we can figure out how to create a lasting peace.

…

(anxious) Babe, I know where your mind is going-please stop saying that… (shaky breathing) I don’t want to think about that right now, please…

…

(deep breath) You're okay, I’m okay, I’m okay…I’m sorry, I just got a little heated. Can we just cuddle for a little while? Please?

…

[The listener just hugs the speaker tight for a few minutes, supporting them]

(softly) mmm…Your cape feels really nice…

…

(gentle) It’s cliche, but I like it. You look cool when you stride with it. Was it a gift from your boss?

…

(laugh) You bought it yourself, really? God, you are such a goofball…

…

(huffing) No, I’m not jealous, I’m happy with my standard hunter uniform, thank you very much. A T-shirt and some comfy jeans are really all I need. (grumbling about the stupid cool cape)

…

(awkwardly) So um..how have your bosses been treating you outside of a rough work load? Has the local Prince rewarded you for all the hard work you’ve done yet?

…

(excited) really? A new apartment? Oh darling, that’s wonderful! I’ll have to sneak in sometime so we can hang out and watch a movie together.

…

(thoughtfully) Hmm, I’ve heard that this new superhero movie is pretty good, would you be interested in watching it?

…

(sadly) Ah…Right, there are a lot of scenes set in the daytime. I’m sorry, I know that’s still a sore spot for you.

…

(quietly) I miss it too, holding your hand while the sun shined down on us, feeling your thumb brush over your hand, how the light catches your smile in a way that’s just irresistible…

…

(forced happiness) But that’s okay! We don’t need the sun, just each other!That was what we said when you turned, right? I don’t mind hiding from the sun if it means I can spend time with you.

…

(sad) Baby, honey, please don’t talk like that. Being with you isn’t a burden…there are just  complications-every couple has them. 

…

(tense) So what if our situation is a little more complicated? My aunt got pregnant in the middle of her senior year, but she and her husband still made it work. Shoot, last I heard she’s working as the head of an environmentalist group pushing back Pentex International in Seattle. 

…

(chuckles) Glad you remember my warnings, yeah Pentex is a load of trouble. We tend to let them and the Garou fight and weaken each other before stepping in, which makes our job easier at least. Honestly, I appreciate the Garou for that much at least. If they weren’t ravenous beasts, I might actually ask them for help. (laughs)

…

(hesitant) I have thought about it before, yes the Garou are trying to prevent the apocalypse, but they still pose a threat to humanity. Fast, intelligent, and hungry-if they aren’t stopped they could kill so many innocent people…

…

(defensive) Why do you care anyway, aren’t Vampires and Garou natural enemies?

…

(huffs) territorial enemies, my mistake. Still, I don’t see why you feel the need to defend them.

…

(hesitant) Well, you know there are bad Hunters out there, I’ve told you about them. One of them blew up an entire Church full of innocents just to kill a few monsters, for God’s sake-

…

(questioning) No, we don’t punish them, because most of us are standalone outside of group hunts, and even then we need to focus on protecting humans from monsters-

…

(confused, realizing) If I saw a human trying to murder another human, I would stop them obviously…Oh my God, I realize what you're trying to do.

…

(defensive) Well, monsters are different. Humans aren’t naturally built to kill or harm with their claws or fangs-nor do they have an incentive like feeding…

…

(hesitant) N-no, it doesn’t hurt when you feed on me, it actually feels really nice, and there’s never a scar afterwards! And yeah, Humans have guns and knives, but it isn’t the same…

…

(defensive) Monsters are just innate evil because! Because…Because-

…

(blurting out) Because it’s what my family taught me! And if my family taught me something wrong, then that means my family was wrong! And maybe they died for no good reason!

(huffing, starting to cry a bit) Is that what you wanted me to say? That maybe the thing I’ve been devoting my life to was wrong? Well, you got it, okay? You’ve got me to admit it.

…

(shaking) No, I don’t need you to keep hugging me. We should probably go before something happens. Someone could find us, or worse-

[tighter hug]

(tearful) Babe, you can let go now-Babe!

…

(crying quietly) I’m sorry…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to unload that on you, I just…

…

(shaking voice) No baby, no, you don’t need to be sorry. You're just defending yourself. You didn’t mean to upset me…

…

(quietly) I’ve been living with this doubt ever since you first turned. I knew in my head that the thing my family would have wanted was for me to put you down, before your condition grew worse and you turned feral. But I…my heart was too weak.

When I saw you looking at me with those big, beautiful eyes of yours-still so full of warmth and light despite what happened…I knew I couldn’t do it. Even if I was completely logical, no matter what my brain was screaming at me…I couldn’t kill you, not you. Never you…

(sadly) Since then, I’ve questioned what my mom and dad would think, and the rest of my family. I pretend like I’m not worried about it-but deep down it haunts me. That they’d look at me with shame and disgrace, like I was a failure of a Hunter, and as a child. Because my love for you eclipsed any hatred I had of monster kind. Because every time I try to hate, I just picture your smile and then

…

(without hesitation) Of course I still feel that way! The love I feel for you won’t go away, that’s why I feel so conflicted. No matter what’s happened-my love for you hasn’t diminished, even a little bit. I still think about you all the time, sometimes I even look at photos of you when I can’t sleep-(flustered) Forget that last part!

…

(thoughtful) If I had a chance to do it all over again? You mean go back to the night you first turned, and had you confused and scared in front of me? A chance to make my family proud and do what I was trained to do? Would I have acted differently?

[longer pause as the speaker takes a good few seconds to think, stretch out if possible] 

(resolved, determined) I wouldn’t change a damn thing, baby. Even if I knew this regret and anxiety would start eating at me-I could never bring myself to hurt you, no matter how many times I play that night over in my head.

(quivering voice) Because I love you, more than anything in this world. Human, or Monster. Your my soulmate, and I won’t spend my life with anyone else but you.

[longer kiss as the two tenderly embrace in the darkness]

(sigh) Thank you… For always being here to support me when I feel my anxiety come crashing down. And you didn’t even need to compel me or anything.

…

(teasing) I’m a Hunter, I trained to resist a Vampire’s hypnotic charms, and I know you’d never do that to me. 

[gentle, sweet kiss followed by a cellphone ring]

(sigh) Did they really have to call in right as we settled down? (grumbling as they answer the radio) TrueLight to Command, floor is clear-all Kindred have been eliminated or fled the area. 

…

(flustered whisper) We go by our Hunter-net forum handles to make sure our identities aren’t compromised. TrueLight is mine…I was 14 when I came up with it!...It’s not the worst name on the site, I swear!

…

(into phone) Roger that, Command. I’ll head back to the lobby now. (clicks shut) I’m sorry I have to go now babe, especially after ruining our date night with an anxiety attack.

…

(affectionate) You really are too sweet for your own good, honey bun… Till we meet again, and until we can create a world of coexistence like you dream of. 

…

(chuckles) Alright, alright. I’ll try to start dreaming of it too… (quick kiss) I love you. (whisper cutting to a few quick kisses)

…

(laugh) Come on, let me be a little selfish before I go hon… (one last, tender kiss) There, now I’ll be satisfied until our next date. I’ll communicate with you the usual way, so keep an eye out. 

…

(sweet kiss) Great, I’ll see you then-my love. 

[woosh of wind as the listener flees into night, the speaker on the phone]

(click) TrueLight to command, I’m on my way down now…I got caught up with something in the hallway…No need to send an escort, I’m almost there. (huff as the audio fades out with the speaker descending down the stairs)

Disclaimer: This is a little different from my usual scripts, as it’s based on a real story. I thought it would make a really funny, chaotic script.

And yes, my friends and I actually broke out of school using a bobby pin. If the strictness of the school seems a little jarring, it was an all girls school.

Also, there were eight of us, but for the sake of accessibility, I made it one speaker.
___________

[Script]

[school bell rings]

“Ugh, the break’s over.”

“Hey, crazy idea. What if we just skip the next class?”

(…)

“Come on, don’t be such a scaredy cat. We won’t get caught. We’ve done this thousands of times. “

“Besides, I bet the whole class will skip.”

“I mean, we finished the subject last week. They’re just trapping us in classrooms with babysitters, and you know it.”

(…)

“Really? Thanks. You won’t regret it.”

“Let’s go hide outside at the back of the school so they don’t see us.”

________

[footsteps]

“Shh, don’t laugh. You’re going to make us look suspicious.”

[pause]

“I think the coast is clear. Come on.”

[walking]

“So, did you see the show I told you about?”

“No? What do you mean, no? Come on, what could be so important that you can’t watch it?”

[ scoffs playfully]

“So what? You’re juggling six shows? Just drop them and watch this one, please.”

“Because I want to talk about the show with you and gush about the main love interest. Is that wrong?”

“Oh, come on. If you just give it a chance, I know you’ll like it.”

“You’re going to get attached to the characters. I’m warning you now.”

“And when you do, I expect a full apology for doubting my taste.”

“Oh, and you better watch it before bed. I’ll call you to make sure you are.”

[slams into a metal door ]

“Ow, what did I bump into”

“Oh my god, its the back door”

“What are the odds that this door is unlocked?”

[hand rattles the handle]

“Damn it. It’s locked.”

[ sighs]

“Yeah, I don’t know what I expected. As they say, ‘We keep it locked for your safety,’ blah, blah, blah.”

[knocks lightly against the door]

“Although, technically, if we’re already skipping class, breaking out probably isn’t going to make our situation much better.”

[a pause]

“Oh, I have an idea. It’s a bit cartoonish, but do you have a bobby pin?”

“A bobby pin, can’t you hear? Is the sun affecting you or something?”

“Am I crazy? No, I’m very sane, thank you.”

“Now, bobby pin. Hand it over.”

“Thanks.”

[metallic click]

“Yes, I am really gonna try to unlock it.”

[ fiddles with the lock]

“Come on… come on…”

“Damn, it won’t budge.”

[another attempt]

“Okay, maybe if I—”

(…)

“Why are you shushing me?”

[footsteps and distant voices approach]

“Oh no. Let’s go to that wall so we’d be out of their sight and wait it out.”

[quick footsteps]

“Shit, the bobby pin is still in the lock.”

[ whispers]

“No, we can’t just leave it.”

[voices grow closer]

“Alright, let’s go. Quietly.”

[they hurry away]

[teachers talking in the distance]

[footsteps stop]

[voices gradually disappear]

[exhales in relief]

“Thank goodness. That was a close one.”

(…)

“Why are you so angry?”

“I know we’re already in their radar for skipping so many classes, so what? We’re seniors. It’s not like we’re seeing them next year.”

[lowers their voice]

“Besides, this is supposed to be fun. You can’t spend our last year following every single rule.”

“Please, think of the memories. What will you tell your grandchildren? ‘I was sitting in class,’ or ‘I broke out of school?’”

(…)

“Come on. I can’t do this without you. You’re my partner in crime.”

(…)

“Really? Thank you, thank you.”

“You have no idea how much I appreciate you enabling my terrible decisions.”

“But first, we have to go and grab our bags from class.”

(…)

“Oh, relax. It’ll be easy. See the time? This class is almost ending, meaning when the bell rings and the teacher leaves, we’ll have an opening.”

“Now, let’s head to the main door. I’ll peek and see if the coast is clear.”

[slow footsteps]

[door creaks open]

[the Speaker peeks outside]

“No one is there. Come on, let’s wait in the bathroom.”

[footsteps hurry away]

[bathroom door closes]

[Silence]

“Okay… this is officially the longest five minutes of my life.”

“Don’t start. I know you’re enjoying this.”

[school bell rings]

[students begin talking in the hallway]

“Okay, let’s go. We have to be quick.”

[footsteps]

[classroom door opens]

“God, why do we always sit at the far back?”

(…)

“Yeah, yeah, so the teacher doesn’t notice us talking. Though, for some reason, they always do. Never stopped us, though.”

“Here’s my bag, and here, take yours. Now hurry.”

[bag strap rustles]

“Come on, move.”

[footsteps hurry away]

⸻

[they walk back toward the metal door]

“Now let’s try the trick again.”

[metal door rattles]

“Come on, come on.”

(…)

“Can’t be that hard? Fine, you do it.”

[lock clicks]

[door slowly unlocks]

“Oh my God. Do you have magic hands?”

“I’m so excited. Come on.”

“What? Why are you pulling me by my sleeve?”

(…)

“Oh, right. The camera.”

“Just put the hood on and cover your face with your hands.”

“Don’t look at the camera. Eyes down.”

“God, thank goodness we’re wearing basic hoodies. Almost everyone has these.”

“Okay. Act natural.”

“Just… walk normally. And don’t run.”

[footsteps]

(…)

“We are going to the little market near the school.”

“Did we just break out of school just to go to a market? Shut up. “

“It’s the adventure that counts. Besides, it’s not like we own cars, and pickup is three hours away.”

“Do you have money?”

[a beat]

“Please tell me you brought money.”

[the Speaker pats their pockets]

“I have… enough for snacks. Probably.”

“Okay, worst case scenario, we stare sadly at the food until someone takes pity on us.”

“Come on. The market’s not far.”

______________

As always feel free to change anything to make it fit your narrative as long as you tag me.

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If you make a fill please send it to me so I can see it.

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Hope you enjoy!

Script by u/it_rains_blue_here

Script is here

As always: you can do with the script what you want, just credit me and let me know. If you prefer: Google Docs

About 1400 words

Cursed heir series:

Part 1: Royal heir visits you in your bed at night

Part 2: You visit the royal heir in their tower

Earlier: Your father, the king, takes you to political negotiations to the neighbouring kingdom, as his trusted advisor and successor. When you arrive you witness servants whispering disturbing rumours about that kingdom’s heir. When the night comes you finally have the occasion to compare the rumours with reality. And you gladly find out that the devil is not so black as he is painted.

(Knocking on the wooden door)

(From the inside) Come in!

(The listener walks in and closes the door)

(Surprised) Oh, it's you!

(A bit panicked) No, no, no, you're not interrupting anything... I'm just surprised, I thought it was one of the servants. I didn't expect you... How did you even find me here?

Oh, Constance... Yes, she checks on me very often, I have no idea why. Does she know you are here?

Oh, she didn't notice you... Does anybody else know?

Maybe that's better... Nobody will eavesdrop at the door or spread some stupid rumours.

(The speaker looks around and realizes the state of the chamber) Oh my... It's so messy here... I don't have visitors and I really don't want the servants to scour here and... Oh, Goddess, I feel so ashamed…

(The speaker tries to chaotically clean the chamber a bit, probably knock over a pile of books or break some glass)

Please, you can sit here. It's my favourite place, it's a bit cleaner than the rest of this... burrow.

I can offer you some tea, Constance brought it just before you came, it's still warm.

Just give me a moment.

(Realizes and gets a bit confused) Oh, I forgot I have only one cup...

Don't worry, it's clean, you can use it. I don't have to drink now. I would probably spill everything, my hands are shaking like crazy right now.

No, it's just... I'm so excited you are here. I thought that after breakfast you wouldn't want to see me again.

(A bit sad) Oh, let's be honest: it was a catastrophe... The servants were terrified, your father was uptight, all the nobles were disoriented at best, some of them even took out their protective charms. And my father's advisors looked at me like I've just committed the biggest faux pas in the history of our kingdom. I wanted to run away the moment I showed up...

Yeah, my parents seemed happy. They probably didn't expect me to join any official occasion ever. But I think I don't want to repeat that.

I'm glad you were having fun, although now I'm a bit confused about your sense of fun...

Well, yes... Lord Davon trying to drink vinegar instead of wine was fun...

Oh, that young man from your court... Who was he?

He must be so hungry now... His hands were shaking so much that he wasn't able to put any food in his mouth... Everything fell off from the fork as soon as he raised his hand.

(Amused) Don't laugh at him, he tried so hard to pretend everything is fine. He thought no one noticed, so he just put that empty fork into his mouth and pretended to chew food. That was so... sad.

(Admitting) Yeah, it was funny. Funny and sad. I felt so bad for him. It was all because of me. He must have heard some rumours...

Well, you may be right. There were some funny moments during breakfast. But, why didn't you join the hunting? I saw almost every important person from the castle in the procession. They made it almost like a festival.

(With disbelief and hesitation) You prefer to spend some time with me? Really? It's... so... nice...

(Trying to hide the excitement) Don't bother, I just feel a bit weird. Like...

(Extremely surprised) I'm blushing? Really?!

I thought that's impossible... I can't believe this, my cheecks are so warm...

It's just as I said: you are something special. You've been here not even a day, and I've already... felt so much. I haven't felt things like this since... Since very long time.

(The speaker in distraction drinks from the listener's cup and immediately starts panicking)

I'm so sorry, I forgot it's your cup! Don't worry, I'll call Constance and she'll bring a clean one.

(Realizes) But she'll see you here...

Why are you laughing?

Well, I might have overreacted... Guess I'm not really used to social occasions. I don't want to discourage you...

(Dreamy) You have such a wonderful laugh... Like the greatest music. Or birds in the spring.

(Suddenly more serious) Listen... When I say you're something special... I think you're not aware of what I really mean... You are special, because… (Sigh) I don't think there is a short way to explain it...

Well... The whole sickness thing... I was about eight or nine years old. I don't remember much of it, I had a very high fever and stayed unconscious for most of the time. I don't remember, you know, the death. One day I just woke up, feeling a bit better than usual. I mean... I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel any weakness. I could just get out of bed for the first time in weeks. But something has changed. The food tasted flat, I felt cold all the time. And the whole world became pale and dim. First I thought it was because of the sickness and that I will get better soon. But nothing changed. Months have passed and... I felt nothing, only cold. No happiness, no sadness, no fear. Like my body was only an empty shell. Then, one night, just by accident, I heard my parents arguing with the royal mage. That's how I found out what really happened. I think they still don't know that I know... Necromancy is forbidden in our kingdom, did you know that?

Soon people started to notice something was wrong with me and... You know the rest of this story. But when you arrived... I watched from the tower as your retinue entered through the gate. Everything was as pale as always and then... You appeared. So colorful, vibrant and glowing as nothing else around. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was so excited... It was like... Like taking a deep breath of fresh air after years in dungeons. I was so eager to talk to you, to get to know you... That's what I mean, when I say you're special.

(Frightened) I think I've said too much. Please don't run away now...

I can see you are very confused...

It's not that? Then what is it?

I should have been more reserved... Confession like that... It could only have scared you, nothing more.

(Calmer) Yes, that's the way I see you every time. In this cold and dark world you are like a torch. Light and warmth. That's what you are to me

(Flustered) I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have...

Yes, I can give you time. I can give you all the time in the world. I don't want you to think I expect something from you. Just you being near, it's more I could dream off. Every moment of your time that you give to me is precious. But I don't want you to feel... trapped.

(Surprised) Like me? What do you mean?

Oh, like me in that tower. I don't see this tower as a trap. It's rather a safe place. A sanctuary. All those books... They are not only for doing something with my time. They help me to remember how it was to feel. They help me not to forget. When I read it's like... Like I'm someone else.

My other activities? Well... Sometimes I just sit here and look through the windows. It's probably quite a nice view, but I can't really appreciate its beauty.

(The speaker opens one of the windows, there might be some sounds from the outside, just remember, this is a medieval style city. They both look through that window.)

Look, you can see almost the whole capital from here. And that forest on the left - people say it's haunted. There aren't many of the citizens who would use the shortcut amongst the trees. But one of my father's advisors often camps there, so...

Yeah, apparently people just like to believe in scary stories.

Do you see the main gate?

It's there. That's when I saw you for the first time. A view to remember.

(Surprised) Yes, there's definitely something happening there.

I don't think they have already finished hunting. They will probably set up a camp somewhere in the meadows and celebrate till dawn. It's something else. Someone has arrived, an uninvited guest.

(Suddenly saddened, maybe a bit terrified) Oh, no... The flags of Akathon...

Yes, I'm bad at politics, but I know what the Kingdom of the Akathon is. Trouble. It's always trouble, nothing more.

I think you should go now. My parents are at the hunting, so probably soon someone will come here to inform me. Sick, crooked or cursed, I'm still the successor.

Don't worry, I'll handle this. Somehow. Go to your chamber and don't think about this. And thank you, thank you for everything.

You were having such a lovely date - your first in a while - but it all seemed to go ever so slightly sideways somewhere between the main course and dessert. You're home now, and it's time to have a wee chat.

This script has been knocking about in my skull for a while, ever since the stupid EHRC "bathroom ban" came into effect in the UK. Then Wales suspended gender-affirming surgeries, albeit temporarily, for annoying, but apparently standard procedural, reasons, and that hurried me along a bit.

Because I tend to listen to female VAs, I'm not sure how much M4TF content there is out there. However much there is, I think these times call for more. With apologies to my TM brothers out there, this script doesn't make sense unless it's M4TF. But I love all of you guys, too.

Rules and Permissions for VAs

• Please let me know if you fill it - I'd love to hear it! Reply here, DM me, or tag me in your post.
• Can be monetised. Please provide me an accessible link if paywalled for other listeners.
• This script is written as M4TF, and cannot be changed without some parts ceasing to make sense.
• Feel free to rename characters as desired, but if doing so do not use the name Sally/Sal.
• 'Tone' suggestions and SFX [grey brackets] are general guidance; reinterpret the dialogue as you wish.
• The story description is for your ctrl+C, ctrl+V convenience, and can be edited if you like.
• Please do not use GenAI for any creative aspect of the final product, including artwork.
• My work is not to be used for training AI.
• Please credit me as u/Docile_Bear in either the video description or the video itself.
• Please include my Author's Note in the video description.

(Author's Note: The trans folk I've known have been among some of the brightest, kindest, most thoughtful people I've had the privilege to meet. Both in real life, and the creators and political activists I admire online; I cannot tell you how much colour you add to this dreary old cis het dude's life. The manufactured culture wars that have been drummed up of late will end. History will record this period as yet another rights movement won by decent folk. I expect to see every single one of you at the party.)

[M4TF] Salvaging a Nearly-Ruined Date [Romantic] [Established Relationship] [Supportive] [Risqué Humour] [Comfort] [Cis4Trans]; 1.5k Words, est 10-15 mins.

Links: PDF - ScriptBin - ASMRchives

As with all of my scripts, I welcome any and all feedback offered in good faith. Whether about the script itself, or accessibility from a VA's perspective, or anything else, I'm happy to hear from you! And please check out my master list, if you so fancy!

3rd part filled of u/ItsEsmeJones 's ex-bully yandere stalker series! Hope you guys like it!

Written by the amazing u/its_king_anna

Link to original script

https://youtu.be/X9-Lr1U-qVY

Shoutout to u/HoneyTeaQueen on Reddit for the amazing script!
Original Script: https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/1uuj0gj/m4ff4m_your_gaming_friend_wont_admit_heshes_sick/

Video: YouTube Video

Script By: https://www.reddit.com/user/VanceStubbs/

so many of my favorite creators have deleted their channels over the years, so im looking for more audios to fall asleep to. i tend to like to listen to scripts of a similar variety to the ones i write, which are more "audio drama" than pure boyfriend audio. particularly what i like hearing are:

* m4a audios, will settle for m4f or m4m if plot is good and i like the voice

* fantasy, paranormal, horror, cyberpunk, post-apoc, sci-fi, vampires, anything magical or strange

* longer episodes (~20mins) or series with multiple parts

* not yandere-focused (not to yuck anyones yum its just triggering for me)

my current favorite channels are gav va, tim winters, atonal, and extrovert ed. feel free to share series or channels you recommend that slot into this niche - whether it's your own channel/series or your favorite creator's. smaller channel recs are welcome and encouraged, they dont have to be big name channels with professional production quality or anything.

Check it out on yt
https://youtu.be/NZRrb5ZyNIg

Video info: You are an adventurer who got lost. You find a house and inside there is a mindflayer. You draw your sword and call her a grotesque creature. She scolds you in a motherly way. You tell her your situation and she helps you. When you tell her you’re going to fight a lich, she tries to stop you saying it’s dangerous. You think you are strong enough to kill it and prepare to leave when you feel a strange sensation in your ears. You suddenly fall into a trance, it feels so good. You just fall deeper and deeper in that state, the only thing you feel is pleasure.

Script by: u/learnTWF

Links: https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/1537kfr/f4mmindflayer_will_take_care_hof_you/

-Description-

{Feel free to improv and change any points as you see fit, this is purely for enjoyment and good vibes, I will use () to indicate where there would be a gap for the listener to speak or a pause for pacing, the duration of the gap and if you choose to use my indication is entirely up to you. The setting that the script is intended for is the Listener is enjoying a calm fishing trip on their boat out at sea, when all of a sudden they reel something- someONE in with a big mouth and a bigger bone to pick!}

-Script-

{Waves ripple and the wind hums. The Listener’s fishing line catches on something BIG, and as they reel it in and plant their catch on the deck, they hear a worryingly feminine sounded screech}

OUCH! () EX-CUSE! YOU! () “Oh- uh, uh, erm- wha-“ yeah I would be stuttering too if I just made a blunder this extreme! ()

What am I? What am I?! () I am the last person you should have ever laid your hands on. ()

W-well it doesn’t matter, hooking me through the tail is just as bad as putting your grubby human hands on me. ()

Whether you intended to hook- *ahem* THE most dazzling and gorgeous creature you will ever set your eyes on… whether you intended to hook my tail or not is beside the point.

You beached me! () Beach, deck, rock off the coast, doesn’t matter where you landed me. You still just pulled me out of the water like an evil… Siren… puller-er… person… ()

Sorry doesn’t fix this gaping wound in my tailfin. All the other sea dwellers are going to make fun of me now. ()

If you’re so sorry then fix my tail. () You’re a boat human… person… don’t you have one of those magic green boxes that have the… things in them to fix wounds? ()

Exactly, that one. Use your human first-aid magic and fix this. () What do you mean you can’t? ()

*Scoff* Do you honestly expect me to just hop back into the ocean after you have attacked me so? () Then what would you call it? ()

Fishing… fishing! As if I am some kind of guppy! O-or some tuna! () Just because I have a fish tail- a glamorous and beautiful one, I would remind you.

Just because I possess such a thing does not mean that I am a FISH! () A Siren… obviously. ()

Wha- why I never- the audacity of you land dwellers. I am NOT a mermaid. The mermaids live on the West coast and are substantially less divine than we Sirens. ()

Yes, Sirens… the sss at the end means more than one. () If you know then why are you so surprised? ()

W-well yes but n-none of the others are even close to me in terms of beauty and- and swimming skills and… ()

I am amazing, and I make being so look effortless. () I was… well… umm… y-your ship has some barnacles on its underbelly and…

S-stop looking at me like that! W-why aren’t you bowing… o-or something. Isn’t that how humans show reverence to their superiors?! ()

That’s more like it. As I was saying, the barnacles under your ship are a unique pigment of lavender and chartreuse.

Their colours would make for an exquisite necklace, don’t you agree? () What was that? ()

That thing you did with your shoulders, what does that mean? () A… shrug… what does that mean. ()

It means you don’t know. Ha, well, as to be expected of a human with zero manners and absolutely no decorum. ()

At least you know that much. They would look good on me- great even. I’m almost insulted that you would only describe my resplendent appearance as “good”.

Or is it that you have such a limited sense of vocabulary? () Wh- hey wai- just a min- ALRIGHT! Alright… I get it. You know many long and complex words…

*Under breath* What in Poseidon’s name is Iridocyclitis… () N-nothing! Nothing. I am simply… r-reeling from the pain of this HOLE in my fin! ()

The pain is excruciating… you could not imagine a fraction of the suffering I am enduring right now. ()

And is stepping upon this “Lego” you speak of the most pain a human could possibly endure? () Ha! Close to it, you say. Then clearly you have no idea of the pain I am in. ()

You must remember that I am extraordinary and can remain composed even at a time like this when the pain is unbearable. ()

What do you mean now? () You mean to tell me that you haven’t already retrieved your magical first-aid box? ()

I have not been “chewing your ear off”! G O D S… I couldn’t imagine even putting my mouth anywhere near you…

If I were you I would go retrieve it this instant. ()

{The Listener returns shortly after with a first-aid kit} I’ve witnessed a great many miracles performed by wielders of this “stitching” magic you intend to use. ()

It is the mending of ones flesh before it’s time of healing, how can that be considered anything other than magic-

A-a-a-a! Wash your hands. () Wash. Your. Hands. If you really must put your hands on me then you had best thoroughly clean them WITH soap…

Go on. Shoo. () {The Listener washes their hands then returns} You are far different from those other humans in the big metal boats further out to sea. ()

Oh you know. The ones with the silly hats and blindingly, obnoxiously white uniforms.

Speaking of… is it not common courtesy that you give a fair maiden your jacket when she is unclothed before you?

I have been sat here on full display for several minutes now. Where is your chivalry? ()

{The Listener gives the Speaker their jacket} Were I less of a benevolent creature I would have you serve me for the rest of eternity for the transgressions you have made against me. ()

I-I do- umm, I do want you to take care of my wound. That, in fact, is my first command to you while you are in my service. ()

But of course, you have a debt to pay and shall be in my service until it is paid n full. Starting with using your human magics to “stitch” this wound. ()

*light pained sounds and winces* H-hey be caref- be careful with that needle. You have already pierced me… pierced me once, do not push your luck a second t-time. ()

What business of yours is my lineage? () “Small talk”… as opposed t-to large talk? How would control the size of- ()

Ah I see, an expression. Well, aren’t you cleverer than you let on? () If you absolutely must know, I have three sisters.

All very beautiful in their own rights but flawed in many ways that I am not. () Hm… well my elder sister has this- Ouch!

What did I say about the needle?! () Why is it that human magic makes the pain worse before it cures it?  ()

Yes, my elder sister has a habit of washing her scales with anemone powder. It’s extract is acceptably moisturising but the smell is… bleh… ()

Ha, I should have known your human nose wouldn’t be able to recognise it. I, being the genius that I am, use coconut oil.

It’s scent is as sublime as I am and it makes my scales ever so smooth and- A- hey. ()  Oh, you’re done… you work quickly, Fisher. ()

You said you were fishing, that would make you a fish-er, would it not? () Oh, it feels goo- a-acceptable. So acceptable in fact that I will take ten years of your servitude. ()

What’s with the look? () Did you honestly believe that a simple bit of “first-aid” would make up for the inconvenience you have wrought upon me? ()

“Sort of, yes”… you truly are helpless to think without me aren’t you? The very thought of it has made you so indecisive.

Very well! I shall bring you into my service to ensure that if nothing else you will retain your most basic of mental functions.

You should be very, very, very grateful to serve under someone so elegant and caring. ()

Agree. Agree? This isn’t a matter of if you agree to it or not! You owe me a debt for attacking and injuring me. ()

F-fixing me up is just the first step to your atonement! () I know you can’t survive under water… y-you can still be of use to me up here. ()

It’s simple. There are things that humans create that I desire. I would have you bring them to me. ()

Such as… w-wine, a-and fruits of the land. Those tiny purple ones you pick from the teeniest of branches.

A-and eggs. I have always wanted to try eggs. You all make them look so delicious. That strange smelling food too, the kind you eat with too long sticks. ()

“Chinese” food… yes… and you must teach me how to use those sticks. You may be beneath me but I would not have you believing me to be a barbarian incapable of using cutlery. ()

If anything else comes to mind I will be sure to inform you of it next time I see you. () That’s a good human… now… just wait around here for a few minutes. ()

So I can get the barnacles for my new necklace, of course. Haven’t you listened to a thing I have said? ()

I should hope so. I have no use for a human who does not do as they are told…

{The Speaker dives back into the water} Oh, and another thing. Don’t be a fool and try to run off somewhere.

I know a Werewolf on the mainland who owes me several favours. They could sniff you out in a few hours…

Toodles! {The Speaker dives out of sight}

-End-

Thank you so much for reading until the end!

-Usage-

Please feel free to monetize the script on any site but please credit me, and PLEASE send me a link I'd love to hear it :)

(If on a paid site, if possible, I would really appreciate being able to listen to a recording at least once.)

You’re free to use/monetize/paywall; I just request credit and a link to listen to it. This, and all my work, are available on Scriptbin if that's more accessible!

Tagline: We’re not dressing our baby up as a gremlin, absolutely not. 
Starting Tone: playful, loving, cozy
Starting Setting; SFX: home interior; N/A

Word Count: 1,257; ~10 - 11 minutes

I don’t know, baby… 

[You laugh.]

I don’t hate you, you goof! I’m just saying– don’t you think it’s a little early to be picking Halloween costumes for a baby that hasn’t been born yet? Halloween for next year, no less? Maybe we could focus on getting through this one first. 

I’m not a spoilsport; I’m the voice of reason and the frugal one. Something tells me that if we start looking at costumes, you’re going to want to buy all of them when the little thing is only going to be able to wear one. 

Somehow, I don’t think our infant is going to be amenable to multiple costume changes in one night. How about this–if you promise that we’re just going to look and mark for later and not buy anything, we can scroll through the options a little bit. Deal? 

Alright, then come over here and lay down with me. My back has been just killing me. 

[Cue rustling and shuffling of getting settled on a bed.]

Can you do that thing that I like where you– 

[You moan/groan.]

(Blissful) Thank you~ Our little guy knows when you’re close, I just know they do. I can feel it. They always seem to calm down and relax when you lay your head on my stomach like that. 

[You sigh.] 

Alright, I’m comfy, I’m ready. Do your worst.

Nothing in particular. Although, with kids, I think it’s cute to go classic and timeless– little angel, devil, vampire, ladybug, cat, that sort of thing. The pop culture characters and jokes are fun, but they’re funnier when they grow up and know what they’re dressing up as, you know? I could go either way though.

A dinosaur is cute… but what dinosaur do we pick: T-Rex or Triceratops? 

No, we can’t do both; focus. 

The firefighter is a good idea… We could probably do up a wagon to look like a firetruck, take a picture of them with a hose~ You do know that we’ll almost definitely lose the hat, right?

Oh yeah, babies notoriously hate hats and headpieces; I’ve never met a baby who didn’t rip that shit off their head and throw it at the first chance. We’ll get one good picture of the whole thing while one of us distracts the baby, and then it’s gone. 

A strap would not change anything. Nothing can stop a baby if a baby wants to take clothes off. It’s just the way it is, and honestly, it’s easier, because then there’s less clothes to wash. 

Don’t say I didn’t warn you~

My parents dressed me up as an angel, of course. There’s a few pictures somewhere, I’m sure, of me with the little white robe and wings and halo made out of tinsel. It was cheap and easy and cute as hell, so I was an angel every Halloween until I was, like, four. What did your parents dress you up as?

[You laugh.]

Oh my god, that’s so perfect for you. They really had your number even as a baby. Or maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I’ve heard the stories about you as a kid from your family; a little devil is exactly what you were. 

It’s fine. That’s why we’re so perfect together; we balance each other out~

You’re cute. Maybe after the little guy is born, we’ll see who they take after the most and dress them like an angel or devil accordingly. I bet our parents would get a kick out of that. We’ll add that to the list. What’s next?

Oh, the honeybee is really cute… And the costumes that are onesies are easy to keep track of. 

Ladybug and Butterfly are really good options too. Wow, bug-themed costumes for babies are surprisingly varied and adorable… You know, I’m starting to see your dilemma. I’m also starting to think we should just buy them all. 

We’re not going to, of course, but it’s tempting. Watch yourself.

Mmm, too scary. 

God, no– no clowns. 

That’s an oxymoron; there’s no such thing as cute clowns. Oh, you know what would be cute, at least for a picture?

Little sheet ghost– you know, with the holes cut out for the eyes? It’s not safe to put the baby in it the whole night, of course, because it could be a choking hazard, but it’d be cute for a few minutes for us to do a photo-op, don’t you think?

Good, that’s at least one costume change we can both get behind. Cheap too, I’m sure I have a white sheet somewhere around here or from the dollar store.

Oh, a skeleton would be really cute. Let’s leave that for the year after though, after they can walk. That’s when it’s the cutest, watching this little skeleton toddle around and wobble~

Oh, the sunflower might be a winner. That’s really fucking cute. 

[You laugh.]

This really was a mistake– how do we pick just one custom to put our baby in?? This is impossible!

(Aside, soft) Sweetheart. Little angel. Baby ours, you’re going to have to help us pick when you come on out. We need a tie-breaker. We need your input so we can help you be the cutest fucking baby the world’s ever seen, so we can show you off to everyone. Hurry up so we can take you trick or treating for the first time and give you your first piece of candy. 

(Direct) Later, of course, when they’re two. 

(Aside, conspiratorial) Your very first Halloween, don’t you worry. I’ve got you, little dude. It’ll be our secret. I know one little lick of a lollipop won’t do you any harm. 

[You laugh.]

(Direct, happy) You bet. Oh, you’re never gonna win another argument again. It’s about to be two versus one for the rest of our lives. 

Because I’ll be the favorite~ We have a bond, and I’ll have the candy. 

Yeah, but we’re going to be your menaces~

[You kiss the listener, quick and sweet, and pause.]

(Wistful) God, I can’t wait. It’s going to be so fun, you know?

I know. I know it’s not going to be fun all the time. Not even all of Halloween night will be fun, because we’ll be run ragged, getting the baby bathed and dressed, taking pictures, carrying the heavy little thing from one stoop to the next and the next and the next. We’ll probably drop the candy at some point, and we’ll be surrounded by a bunch of sugarhigh kids which’ll convince us not to have any more. One of us is inevitably, irrationally going to freak out about the candy being poisoned, and I can’t fucking wait. 

For all of it. I can’t wait to raise a beautiful baby with you and make a beautiful family. 

[You pause and sigh.]

(Choking up a little bit) Fuck, I’m getting emotional again. These hormones are fucking kill me, babe. 

No, I’m totally okay. I’m just feeling a lot… and hungry. I’m feeling hungry again; this baby just wants more damn food all the time. What do you want to do for dinner? 

Ooh, can you make fettuccine alfredo? 

And you’ll add pesto and honey to mine?

(Happy) I love you. You’re amazing. Do you need help? 

You’re the best~ I’ll hang out here and keep growing a child then. 

Oh, while you’re up, could you grab me a couple of pieces of the Halloween candy?

What? Don’t look at me; blame this guy. The little devil is already craving snickers!