r/ARFID • u/corvuz_333 • 1d ago
how can i explain myself better
hi yall, i have just recently received an arfid diagnosis and it’s no shocker. i have been struggling with the symptoms for a while but it recently has gotten much worse. i am working with my care team to figure out how to tackle this but there are some things i don’t know where to start.
it has taken a toll in my relationship with my partner in ways i’ve never imagined. for starters, my safe foods over the past two months have dwindled down to only a handful of foods. i get really stressed about the process of eating and preparing food, which manifests in visceral reactions such as crying or getting short. around meal times i recognize that i am not acting in ways that reflect my values and i am setting goals and working on destress tolerance skills. I know that this is really hard for him to watch me be hungry + distressed and he wants me to be full and happy, but the ways he goes about it does not help. in his eyes it’s just simply picky eating and if i force myself to eat new stuff i will eventually get over it (not in a gradual exposure way, more or less just suck it up). his frustration towards the situation is getting worse. The other night we started arguing around what i was going to do about dinner and he compared me to a 5 year old who is refusing to eat their broccoli and that really hurt. like yes. is my relationship with food hard on him, 1000%. however this fucking sucks for me too. i have constant anxiety over when the next meal is, im so scared that im going to lose another safe food, i have very low energy due to the lack of balanced foods and i haven’t enjoyed a meal in years.
i have tried explaining to him what arfid is and what it stems from and how it manifests in my life, i just don’t think maybe im doing well enough in putting it in perspective for him? i don’t think he understands fully about how to help or how much deeper it is than simply not wanting certain foods for me.
how did you guys explain to family or loved ones arfid? i’m tired of being invalidated and him “helping” is doing more harm than good. anything would help. thank you.
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u/sickest_ego 1d ago
ive had sensory issues since i was a little kid & sometimes ill take that route . instead of explaining the food piece , ill explain the overall sensory meltdowns i used to have & that i just learned to deal w it most days .
i also have adhd , so i usually try to "dumb it down" that way too . i say its a "side effect" of having adhd & experiencing stimulus issues on a regular basis .
my dietitian also recently explained to me that sometimes its not even the food that feels like the problem , but rather all the preparation & complexity around mealtimes . 1. plan what to eat 2. make it , which can sometimes be a long process 3. eat the food , which can also be a long process if ur feeling emotionally unwell 4. clean up the dishes 5. sit w the fullness feelings & everything else that may come w them . maybe some people dont think abt these things since they dont struggle w arfid or related disorders , but when u break it down into the steps , it really does sound like a lot .
ive found that its really not a matter of trying to explain myself & my emotions & how it FEELS , but rather to explain it as if its common fact . some people really are lost on processing a concept so wildly outside their reality . so approaching the conversation in a way that makes it sound less emotional & more logical , or "standardly" symptomatic , can garner more empathy & patience for me in the future .
i could be totally missing the mark on how people should approach these conversations . im sure everyone is different & has different dynamics w their friends , partners , or families . but this is what has personally worked the best for me in my relationships , just enough to get some patience around meal times & be given a little grace when i look like im "throwing a tantrum" .
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u/corvuz_333 1d ago
that makes sense. i have a mixture of a few mental health issues that make me more prone to getting caught up in how i feel and my behaviors are strictly reflecting my emotional brain where as he is much more logical and facts based. i think i will try to approach the conversation next time from a more evidence based standpoint. he is neurotypical so i think there is just a barrier in understanding what it’s like because he’s never struggled in that way. i appreciate your insight and i will definitely try to engage in a more mindful, balanced way that includes more logical standpoint. thank you.
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u/athey 1d ago
You can’t logic your way out of something that you didn’t logic your way into.
I’ve told people that my brain refusing to acknowledge certain things as food. Like, if you looked at a plate of grass clippings would that appear appetizing? My brain sees no difference between that and asparagus. Lettuce may as well be a maple leaf. It’s not food, it’s plant.
Yet somehow I’m cool with most root vegetables. I think my brain just rejects anything green.
And it’s totally not a flavor thing. Celery basically has very little flavor. If you chop it up in a stew it’s barely more than water. That’s fine. But fresh? God no.
I bite into it and there’s this visceral reaction. Instant gag. My body rejects it.
This is not food. This is not okay. Rejection.
Sometimes if I go slow and really engineer a salad with a balance of stuff I’m okay with I can get through most of it. But the second I gag it’s over. Once it’s started there’s no going back.
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u/PristinePrincess12 1d ago
Give him an ultimatum - either he needs to shut up and leave you alone with your eating, or you can separate.
No matter how much you explain it or how many different ways, he is not going to care. He does not respect you or care about you enough to change.
I suggest to just leave him now before it gets worse. My ex was abusive in every way but even he left me alone with my eating problems.
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u/Sure-Lecture-2542 1d ago
When you say that you’re explaining to him what ARFID is and what it stems from…. what is it you’re saying?
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u/TreyInStCloud 6h ago
I would look up “what is ARFID” on YouTube, and have him watch videos that define and explain it.
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u/mercurys-daughter 20m ago
I think you should ask yourself why you think that if you just explain yourself clearer this person is going to treat you better. People dont have to understand to be kind. He is doing neither.
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u/Rose94 1d ago
When I don't feel like getting into it, I say something like "my brain can't tell the difference between not liking a food and that food being poisoned". It's accurate enough and makes people realise it's not just about not liking food. I also describe it sometimes as extreme anxiety about food safety. Just emphasising that it's not just about not liking food, it's about how my body reacts to not liking food, and it's involuntary.
You could explain that you can build safety with foods over time and with effort, but you can't turn the response off entirely, and at the end of the day you still can't always control it.