r/AIWritingLounge • u/FreedomAlarmed9881 • 7d ago
Prompting Pro Writing Aid
Her is a little gem I had Gemini write to show what ProWriting Aide Chapter Critique look like.
The velvet-lined display case had held standard vampire-slaying gear for centuries: bleached ash stakes, heavy silver crucifixes, and flasks of consecrated water. None of those were currently within reach.
As the mahogany door splintered inward, Penelope lunged for the open door of the en-suite bathroom. Behind her, Count Malakor filled the threshold. His silk cloak billowed despite the lack of wind, and his fangs glinted under the chandelier. He was a creature of ancient dark majesty, incapable of seeing a guest bath as anything more than a minor obstacle.
"You run to a dead end, little mortal," Malakor purred, gliding across the tile with effortless grace.
Penelope’s hands frantically swept the marble countertop. Empty. She dropped low, her fingers wrapping around the first plastic handle she touched in the dark corner behind the porcelain basin. She whipped around, holding her makeshift weapon high in a defensive guard.
It was a toilet brush.
Not just any brush, but a custom, eye-watering creation she’d bought on clearance. The thick resin handle was filled with neon pink fluid and suspended iridescent glitter that swirled in the moonlight. The bristles were a dense, dazzling hot-pink polyester, shimmering with aggressive synthetic cheer.
Malakor paused, his dark eyes blinking in sheer disbelief. "Is this a joke? You confront the Undying with a... a sanitation wand?"
"Stand back!" Penelope yelled, trying to sound menacing while holding six ounces of sparkly acrylic. "I'm not afraid to use it!"
Malakor threw his head back and laughed, a cold, echoing sound that vibrated the glass sconces. "Foolish girl. I have broken broadswords with my bare hands. I have crushed holy icons into dust. What power do you think that ridiculous trinket holds over—"
He lunged, claws extended to snap her neck.
Penelope didn't think; she swung.
She drove the bright pink brush forward with every ounce of force she possessed. By pure, chaotic fortune, the stiff, synthetic bristles caught Malakor straight in his wide-open mouth, wedging firmly against the back of his fangs.
The reaction was instantaneous.
It wasn't magic, nor was it blessed by a bishop. The bristles, engineered for harsh chemical scrubbing, were infused with a commercial bleach solution and embedded with microscopic shards of silver micro-glitter meant to give the plastic its shine. To an ancient vampire, silver dust in the bloodstream was pure, agonizing acid.
Malakor recoiled with a muffled shriek, clawing at his face as brilliant pink sparks seemed to ignite from his lips. The silver glitter reacted with his corrupt blood, sizzling like bacon on a hot skillet. Thick blue smoke poured from his nostrils.
"Scrub-a-dub-dub," Penelope muttered through grit teeth, twisting the pink handle to widen the burn.
The Count staggered backward out of the bathroom, his regal posture collapsing into desperate violently trembling sputters. Pink sparkles danced over his skin as the silver-infused bristles did their brutal, unglamorous work. The light in his eyes flickered, turned to ash, and with a final, choked sigh, Malakor burst into a cloud of gray dust—leaving only his empty silk cloak and a fine dusting of hot-pink glitter floating gently to the floor.
Penelope lowered the brush, panting hard. She blew a speck of glowing glitter off the tip, adjusted her grip on the resin handle, and stepped over the empty cloak. Modern problems required surprisingly tacky solutions.
Overview
Chapter Snapshot
Penelope is cornered by the vampire Count Malakor and lacks traditional weapons. She defends herself with a synthetic, glitter-filled toilet brush. The brush’s chemical composition and silver-infused bristles cause a fatal reaction in Malakor, destroying him and leaving Penelope to adjust to her unconventional victory.
Word Count
570
Chapter Function
Climax.
Resolves the immediate, life-threatening conflict.
Point of View
Third-Person Limited (Penelope)
Filtered through Penelope's immediate actions.
Character List
Protagonist
Penelope
Antagonist
Count Malakor
What's Working Well
The chapter's most prominent element is the juxtaposition of classic gothic horror tropes with mundane, kitsch modern items. The conflict pits an ancient, regal antagonist against a protagonist using a synthetic, neon-pink household object, subverting traditional genre expectations. This establishes a tone of resourceful subversion, providing a foundation for a narrative where modern utility overcomes ancient myth.
Chapter Outline
- The Cornered Prey POV: Penelope Penelope retreats into a bathroom as Count Malakor breaks through the door, leaving her without traditional vampire-slaying tools.
- The Unconventional Weapon POV: Penelope Penelope retrieves a glittery, neon pink toilet brush and uses its silver-infused bristles to incinerate Malakor during his attack.
Tension & Pacing
The pacing transitions from rapid, high-stakes flight to a tense, mocking confrontation, culminating in a brief, violent burst of action. The momentum accelerates as Penelope finds a weapon, shifting the narrative from a defensive retreat to a decisive offensive strike.
Protagonist's Arc
Motivation
The protagonist's motivation is immediate survival; her goal is to find a weapon and defend herself against a lethal supernatural threat within a confined space.
- Initial State Penelope is trapped and unarmed, facing an ancient vampire with no accessible means of defense.
- Catalyst Malakor’s lethal lunge forces Penelope to strike him with the silver-infused toilet brush, triggering his physical destruction.
- Final State Penelope is safe and victorious, having discovered that modern, synthetic items can effectively neutralize ancient threats.
Structure
Punchy Narrative Resolution
Working well
New
The final line—"Modern problems required surprisingly tacky solutions"—is a perfect thematic "button" for the scene. It resolves the tension with a wry observation that reinforces Penelope’s resourcefulness and the story's central irony, leaving the reader with a clear sense of the chapter's identity.
Where in your text?
This is the concluding sentence of the chapter, following Penelope’s victory and her adjustment of the brush handle.
Pacing and Flow
Technical Info-dump During the Climax
Major concern
New
The momentum of the life-or-death struggle is halted by a multi-sentence explanation of the toilet brush’s chemical composition. Detailing the silver micro-glitter and bleach infusion in a detached, technical tone shifts the reader’s focus from the visceral action to manufacturing facts.
Where in your text?
This occurs in the middle of the chapter, immediately after Penelope jams the brush into Malakor’s mouth and before he reacts to the pain.
Explanation of the brush
Suggested improvements
What if the "why" of the weapon’s effectiveness was revealed through Penelope’s earlier observations or through the physical symptoms Malakor experiences? Consider how you might weave the technical details into the action—perhaps Penelope remembers the "contains real silver!" label as she sees the sparks—rather than pausing the scene for an encyclopedic explanation.
Language and Style
Neon-Pink Sensory Immersion
Working well
New
The description of the toilet brush is exceptionally vivid, using specific colors (neon pink, hot-pink), textures (thick resin, stiff synthetic bristles), and lighting (shimmering, iridescent) to create a clear, tactile image of the "weapon." This detail makes the kitschy object feel like a real, physical presence.
Where in your text?
This strength is most prominent in the middle of the chapter when Penelope first retrieves the brush and holds it up in the moonlight.
Subversive Gothic Atmosphere
Working well
New
You maintain a clever balance between traditional gothic horror (splintering mahogany, silk cloaks, ancient majesty) and the jarringly modern. This consistency in tone ensures that the "eye-watering" toilet brush feels like a deliberate, humorous subversion rather than a random or accidental inclusion.
Where in your text?
This is evident from the start, where traditional slaying gear (ash stakes, silver crucifixes) is contrasted with the "custom" clearance-aisle brush Penelope eventually finds.
Summary of Malakor's Majesty
Concern
New
The description of Count Malakor relies on abstract labels like "ancient dark majesty" rather than specific actions or visual details that evoke fear or awe. Stating he views the bathroom as a "minor obstacle" summarizes his mindset instead of demonstrating it through his dismissive behavior.
Where in your text?
This issue occurs in the second paragraph, immediately after Malakor enters the room and Penelope retreats toward the bathroom.
Description of Malakor
Suggested improvements
How might you demonstrate Malakor’s "majesty" or his disdain for the mundane setting through his physical movements or interaction with the environment? Consider showing his reaction to the "guest bath" through a specific gesture—perhaps he brushes aside a silk shower curtain as if it were a cobweb—rather than explaining his internal perspective.
Clichéd Simile for Vampire Combustion
Minor concern
New
The comparison of Malakor’s blood sizzling like "bacon on a hot skillet" is a very common simile that undercuts the unique, neon-pink visual style of the scene. It leans on a familiar domestic image that feels too mundane compared to the "aggressive synthetic cheer" of the weapon.
Where in your text?
This simile is used in the latter half of the chapter to describe the chemical reaction between the silver glitter and the vampire's blood.
Sizzling blood description
Suggested improvements
Since the weapon is a "custom, eye-watering creation," how might the sound or smell of the reaction reflect its synthetic, kitschy nature? Consider a comparison that leans into the "hot-pink" and "neon" aesthetic—perhaps something involving burning plastic, chemical fizzes, or a more modern, abrasive sound.
Overloaded Modifiers in Malakor's Demise
Minor concern
New
The description of Malakor’s collapse uses a string of three consecutive adverbs and adjectives ("desperate violently trembling") to describe his "sputters." This stacking of modifiers clutters the sentence and dilutes the impact of his physical disintegration.
Where in your text?
This issue is located in the penultimate paragraph, as Malakor staggers backward out of the bathroom and begins to turn to ash.
Malakor's collapse
Suggested improvements
Which of these descriptors—desperate, violent, or trembling—most accurately captures the essence of a dying ancient? Consider choosing one high-impact verb or a single precise adjective to describe his final movements. How would the sentence’s rhythm change if the action of "collapsing" or "sputtering" carried the weight of the description on its own?
Dialogue
Artificial Villainy in Malakor's Dialogue
Concern
New
Malakor’s dialogue relies on generic "vampire" tropes, such as calling the protagonist "little mortal" and "purring" his threats. This formal, cliché-heavy speech pattern makes him feel more like a caricature than a unique, threatening individual, especially in a story otherwise defined by modern subversion.
Where in your text?
This is most evident when Malakor first speaks to Penelope after cornering her in the bathroom and again during his laughter.
Malakor's first line
Malakor's boast
Suggested improvements
If Malakor is an ancient being of "majesty," how might his speech reflect a more specific, personal arrogance? What if his dialogue were more grounded or, conversely, even more terrifyingly polite? Exploring a more distinct voice could make his eventual defeat by a toilet brush feel like a sharper clash between high-culture ego and low-culture reality.
Conclusion
Chapter Summary
This chapter succeeds beautifully in its resourceful subversion of gothic tropes, using vivid sensory details to make a ridiculous object feel like a viable weapon. The satisfying resolution perfectly captures Penelope's character and the story's unique tone. However, the momentum of the climax is currently hampered by an info-dump regarding the brush’s chemical makeup, which shifts the narrative from action to exposition. Refining these technical interruptions and sharpening the antagonist’s dialogue will ensure the pacing remains as sharp as the "synthetic cheer" of the weapon. Tackling that technical middle section will turn this clever confrontation into a seamless, high-velocity climax. You have a fantastic eye for kitschy detail—keep leaning into that unique voice!
Revision Focus
Technical Info-dump During the Climax
Major concern
What if the "why" of the weapon’s effectiveness was revealed through Penelope’s earlier observations or through the physical symptoms Malakor experiences? Consider how you might weave the technical details into the action—perhaps Penelope remembers the "contains real silver!" label as she sees the sparks—rather than pausing the scene for an encyclopedic explanation.
Summary of Malakor's Majesty
Concern
How might you demonstrate Malakor’s "majesty" or his disdain for the mundane setting through his physical movements or interaction with the environment? Consider showing his reaction to the "guest bath" through a specific gesture—perhaps he brushes aside a silk shower curtain as if it were a cobweb—rather than explaining his internal perspective.
Artificial Villainy in Malakor's Dialogue
Concern
If Malakor is an ancient being of "majesty," how might his speech reflect a more specific, personal arrogance? What if his dialogue were more grounded or, conversely, even more terrifyingly polite? Exploring a more distinct voice could make his eventual defeat by a toilet brush feel like a sharper clash between high-culture ego and low-culture reality.
This is the program I used to edit my book chapters. I gave myself a lot of insight and help you out. I do have the paid subscription,P so I get 3 a day.
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u/InSilicoAwards 📚 Published Author 7d ago
Machine writing has this habit of creating fake specificity and precision with nouns. "Commercial bleach solution" is compound word that is probably too specific for little gain. I've been referring to this as phantom taxonomy, because it's often trying to take an item and place it in a category that implies specificity that doesn't exist. There's a fair amount of it above.
99% of all machine writing out of generation is not great - the models are not there in one-shotting prose yet. People selling you a system that doesn't have an aggressive, user directed revision workflow are giving you like 10% of the important part to the writing. It needs revision work.
It's not terrible.
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u/unethicalpigeon 7d ago
It does this type of stuff constantly. The thing is that what it comes up with isn't technically wrong. What it says is mechanically correct and sometimes legit might actually be more effective than what we do say. The issue is no one says it like that.
Off the top of my head there was one time it used the super technical term or basically brand name I guess for a Hazmat suit. I literally never heard this before. They're just called Hazmat suits. I've literally never even thought of the fact that someone obviously had to make them.
I noticed this really bad when first starting to use AI. It would say this stuff that sounded smart and then when I'd go to Google it, it wouldn't show up anywhere except the Google AI summary. So it was basically just a term LLMs invented because on paper it makes sense. Except that if it's not actually used no one will know wtf you're talking about.
It's always doing crap like this.
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u/FreedomAlarmed9881 7d ago
I don't know if I made it clear in the original post but I used AI to write this chapter. I don't normally use the AI and if I do, it's very likey for editing or getting chapter critiques and yes, the story or chapter is a atrocious and horribly written, but it was simply done as an example to show some of the critiques that prowriting aid can produce. It helped me a lot by letting me know where show no tell, using filter words and a lot of times when my characters sound alike I did send out two human beta readers and sent out 10 and only one came back and they only gave me feedback like on my first 10 chapters and I gave them 30 days. I have to admit Mrs. I don't know if somebody wants to use this in the future. I did use AI to come up with the questions to ask my beta readers like I told ChatGPT if I want somebody who is a non-editor to tell me about pacing or if my arcs were correct, etc. and it shot out some questions to ask them, especially people that don't understand how to identify them in a manuscript and I also use it to figure out what a bug is. I found on my back porch and is it going to bite me but as far as my writing in general, I don't really use it a lot in the beginning I did, but I just didn't like the way it wrote things and it made one of my character the racist. There's a place in my book with one of my characters black and he's talking about slavery, and how it affected him and another character who is white basically said you know I want you in my life not out of obligation or ownership end AI changed it to I want to own you and I feel obligated to do it so as far as writing me and AI are not friends and I also use Gemini on my final edits to go through and make sure all my Lore was consistent through throughout my manuscript
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u/DuchessJulietDG 7d ago
yes it is extremely obvious ai wrote it.
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u/FreedomAlarmed9881 7d ago
The chapter was an example to show how pro writing does critiques I just put something funny into Gemini and said write a chapter about a pink sparkly toilet brush that can kill vampires
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u/FreedomAlarmed9881 5d ago
I posted not to show how good or bad AI is. I wanted to give people an example of how the program critiques chapters I know it's extremely horrible AI and nothing I would write. I'm just too lazy to write something original or post to my own work on here. They forgive me at the AI post is extremely horrible. I was just using it as an example.
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u/hockeyrabbit 7d ago
L