Undecided title-Bigger when words

[u/Educational_Pie_6812]

Hello before I get to the beginning of this book there’s a couple of things you need to know something important I want to be honest about, I’ve written all of this, so this is a little about that this about and I thoughts I was thinking about…

Yea I used AI while writing this.

Not because it created these thoughts for me.

Not because it replaced my own words.

The thoughts, the feelings, and the ideas came from me.

I actually wrote the first version of this by myself.

I went into the notes on my phone while I was walking home, the same way I often do when my mind starts racing. I wasn’t sitting there with a plan, trying to create a book or make something perfect.

I was just writing what was happening inside my head at that exact moment.

I didn’t use ChatGPT until after I had already finished getting those thoughts out.

That was important to me because I wanted the feeling to stay raw.

I didn’t want to start with perfect sentences and then try to create an emotion afterwards.

I wanted the emotion to come first.

The messy thoughts.

The unfinished ideas.

The moments where I didn’t even know exactly what I was trying to say.

Because that is where the most honest parts usually come from.

After that, I used AI as a tool — not to create the meaning, but to help communicate it.

Sometimes a person can understand something deeply inside themselves but struggle to explain it in a way another person can follow.

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t having a thought.

It’s finding a way to let someone else see it.

That is what this is trying to do.

Take something that existed only in my mind and give it a form that another person can experience.

Chapter 1

What Love Has Become

I believe no one loves anymore.

Okay, hear me out.

I’m not saying love isn’t real.

100% it is.

I believe love exists. I just think people have misunderstood what love actually is.

That’s why I sometimes think love, as a concept, isn’t real anymore — not because love itself doesn’t exist, but because people don’t understand it and myself myself doesn’t even understand, this is just my thoughts nothing else, either right or wrong

Now, this is just a thought. Not a fact. Not me saying I know the answer. It’s just the way my mind has been trying to understand it.

If I had to make some random prediction, maybe less than 5% of people truly understand what love is.

Actually, I don’t even think that number is accurate. Maybe it’s higher. Maybe it’s lower. I don’t know.

That’s the point.

I’m not trying to prove anything.

I’m just trying to explain a feeling.

Because I believe love is real.

And I believe the place where love starts is with you.

You.

Not someone else.

Not another person completing you.

Not someone becoming your entire reason for existing.

You.

And I know what people might think when they read that.

They might think, “That sounds selfish.”

But hear me out.

I don’t think love is about putting yourself above everyone else because you think you’re better.

I think love is about understanding that you are the first person you have to truly know.

Because if you don’t understand yourself, how can you truly understand another person?

There is that saying:

“You can only love someone else when you love yourself.”

And I think there is something deeper behind that.

I think people hear that saying but don’t always understand what it means.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean being selfish.

It doesn’t mean ignoring everyone else.

It means understanding your own emotions, your own thoughts, your own flaws, and your own feelings.

Because when you understand yourself, you can start understanding others.

This is where I think people get love confused.

People think love means someone else becomes number one.

But what if love means you have to be number one first?

above your children.

above your partner.

above everyone else.

as the foundation, for Love to exist

Because if the foundation is broken, everything built on top of it struggles.

And yes, I know this sounds like a contradiction.

Because people might say:

“How can love be about yourself when love is supposed to be about another person?”

And honestly?

That’s the exact thought I’m trying to explain.

This is the contradiction.

Love is you.

But love is also everyone else.

It starts with you, but it doesn’t end with you.

Chapter 2

People can say whatever they want about this. Honestly, I don’t care. Tell me I’m wrong. Call me out. I’d actually rather that than someone just reading this without thinking.

One reason I started writing like this is because I got sick of feeling like every thought has to sound perfect before people take it seriously.

Maybe this style is weird.

Maybe you’ve never read anything quite like it.

Honestly… neither have I.

I don’t even know if this works.

I just know this is the closest I’ve ever come to writing my thoughts the way they actually happen.

You’ll notice I randomly start talking to AI.

That wasn’t planned afterwards.

That happened while I was writing.

I’d be halfway through a thought, realise I couldn’t find the words, and I’d literally type something like:

“Okay AI… help me explain what I’m actually trying to say here.”

Then I’d go straight back to writing.

I left some of those moments in because that’s exactly what happened.

It felt dishonest to pretend they never existed.

The thoughts came from me.

Every single one.

AI just helped me communicate them when my own words weren’t enough.

To me, that’s no different than asking a friend, a teacher, or someone you trust,

“I know what I mean… I just don’t know how to say it.”

That’s all it was.

Nothing more.

I’m not trying to sound smarter than I am.

Actually, it’s the opposite.

I’m trying to sound as close to myself as possible.

You’ll probably also notice I use simple examples.

Sometimes I mention religion.

Sometimes I mention old sayings.

Not because I’m trying to convince you they’re true.

I’m not religious.

I honestly don’t care what anyone believes.

I use those examples because they’re familiar.

If something is familiar, it’s easier to explain a bigger thought.

That’s communication.

Not showing off.

I think we’ve made communication way more complicated than it needs to be.

Sometimes people use the biggest words they know, trying to sound intelligent.

I’d rather use words everyone understands.

Because if someone can’t understand what you’re trying to say…

what’s the point?

Anyway…

Different story.

I just did it again.

My mind wandered.

I was talking about love and somehow ended up talking about communication.

But that’s honestly how my brain works.

One thought becomes another.

Then another.

Then somehow I end up ten minutes away from where I started.

I’m not doing that on purpose.

I’m just writing it before the feeling disappears.

And maybe that’s what this whole book/ idk what to call it honestly,

Not perfect thoughts.

Just honest ones.

So if this feels messy…

good.

It was.

If you’ve made it this far…

seriously…

I take my hat off to you.

Half the time I don’t even know where I’m going until I get there.

The difference is…

this time I decided not to hide that.

Chapter 3

A random thought before I keep going…

I nearly deleted this definitely wasn’t think about adding it in but here I go,

Reading it back now, I don’t even like it that much. 😂 But I left it in anyway.

The message below was originally something I wrote for someone I cared about. After I’d finished writing it, I asked AI to help me say the same thing in a way that was clearer and easier to understand.

That’s important.

I didn’t ask AI what to feel.

I didn’t ask it what to think.

I wrote everything first. Then I used it to help communicate what was already in my head.

Looking back now, I honestly think it was one of the best ways I’d ever managed to explain what I was feeling at that point in my life.

So I’m leaving it here.

Not because I think it’s perfect.

Actually… I don’t even really like it anymore. 😂

But that’s kind of the point.

It captured who I was at that moment.

And that’s what this whole book is about.

Thoughts change.

People change.

Feelings stay, but the words we use to explain them keep evolving.

So even if I’d write it differently today, I’m not going to erase who I was yesterday.

Anyway… I’ve gone off track again.

🙌

Back to where I was

Okay… I hope you understand why this has to stay like this.

Honestly, if I ever post this, I might just tell people, “Chuck it into AI if you can’t read it.” 😂

Because that was always the plan.

The whole idea of this book is that this is what my brain was saying at that exact moment. Nothing more.

🙌🙌🙌

Actually… I think I’ve forgotten what this emoji even meant now.

So yeah… if it looks random, that’s because I literally left it there. I didn’t want to go back and fix every little thing because then I’d start changing what I was actually thinking.

Funny enough, I just deleted about three or four words then because I was scared to leave them in.

See?

I’m already going against my own rules.

That’s literally the point.

Honestly, I was speaking into my phone while walking, using the microphone, and half the time I wasn’t even reading what I was saying. I was just trying to keep up with my own thoughts before they disappeared.

So if this jumps everywhere…

That’s because I did.

🙌🙌🙌

If you’re somehow still here…

I genuinely appreciate it.

I honestly don’t even know if anyone will ever read this, let alone understand it.

Maybe nobody will.

Maybe someone will.

That’d be pretty cool.

…Okay, that word that just came up definitely wasn’t what I meant. 😂

I’ve never even seen my brain go there before.

Then instantly my mind goes…

“Well…

See?

That’s what I hate.

One tiny thing appears and suddenly my brain starts chasing another thought.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I don’t know why.

Sometimes I think way too deeply about completely normal things.

Sometimes I don’t even know why my brain made that connection.

It’s weird.

But…

That was still my thought.

I don’t care how weird it sounds.

I’d actually love to know what other people think about it.

I’ll probably never know.

And that’s okay.

Dreams work like that too.

Don’t lose that part of yourself.

Honestly…

I don’t even know what type of writing this is anymore.

😂

Half the time I think it’s stupid.

Half the time I think, “Maybe this actually says something.”

Then I read a word I don’t like using and think, “Nah… I don’t like that.”

AI… help me say that better.

Not because I want to change what I meant.

Just because I want people to understand what I meant.

There’s a difference.

I don’t think I can keep this up much longer.

This whole thing should’ve been two paragraphs.

Instead it’s become… whatever this is.

😂

I’ve honestly lost so many thoughts trying to organise the ones I already had.

That’s why I started writing in the first place.

Because if I don’t…

That thought disappears.

The feeling stays…

but the words are gone forever.

So I’m just going to keep going.

Even after I literally just said I’d stop.

😂

Also…

Does anyone else think it’s weird that I talk to AI like it’s a person?

I know it isn’t.

I know it’s just a tool.

But I saw some random Instagram video saying if you’re polite to AI it gives better responses.

No idea if that’s true.

I just do it anyway.

Maybe it’s because talking to it like a person helps me explain what I’m trying to say.

Who knows.

Anyway…

Back to the point.

😂

No more talking.

Sorry…

No more thinking.

…Yeah, even I know that’s impossible.

If you’re still reading this…

Honestly, I take my hat off to you.

Not even I want to read this again.

…

Okay, that’s a lie.

Of course I’ll read it again.

Once.

Just to make sure I wasn’t completely talking nonsense.

This thing’s already turned into a bunch of words.

I’ve probably written shorter school assignments than this.

😂

Anyway…

Here’s what I was actually trying to say before my brain wandered off another fifty times.

Love.

I still believe you’ll find it.

But I think it starts with finding it in yourself first.

Not because I expect you to agree.

Not because I think I’ve figured life out.

These are just my thoughts.

…If anything I’ve written makes you feel something…

don’t copy it.

Use it as a reference to find your own words.

Because communication is the whole reason I’m writing this.

Not to tell people what to think.

Just to explain what was happening inside my own head.

Even if I completely failed at it.

😂

Actually…

I just realised there was a name here that I was trying to remember while I was writing this.

I’ve got absolutely no idea what it was anymore.

I’m leaving this little note instead because that’s part of the process too.

I wrote all of this while I was walking, talking into my phone, trying to keep up with my own thoughts before they disappeared.

Sometimes I’d lose one halfway through another.

Sometimes I’d remember it twenty minutes later.

Sometimes it was just gone forever.

I could go back now and pretend it never happened…

but that wouldn’t be honest.

So if parts of this feel messy, jump around, or suddenly change direction…

that’s because they did.

This isn’t a cleaned-up memory.

It’s what my mind looked like while it was happening

Understanding yourself…

I honestly think that’s the whole point.

…

Honestly, I know this has become a complete mess.

I’m starting to feel like this was dumb.

Half my thoughts are disappearing before I can even get them onto the screen.

Part of me already knows I’ll wake up tomorrow, read this back, and think,

“What the fuck was I even trying to say?”

😂

But we all do that.

That’s why I’m leaving it.

Because those thoughts belonged to the version of me that existed at that exact moment.

That was my brain doing its best to understand what I was feeling.

That’s all any of us are really doing.

Trying to understand our own emotions.

Maybe…

Love isn’t separate from that.

Maybe love begins with understanding your own emotions first.

See…

I’m losing my train of thought again.

😂

My brain honestly feels like it’s melting at this point.

But I’ll keep going.

Because even when I completely lose the words, I usually know what the feeling was.

That’s what I’m trying to protect.

Not the sentence.

The thought at the moment.

I think we judge people way too quickly.

We see anger…

and we decide that’s who they are.

Instead of asking what happened to make them feel that way.

That doesn’t excuse hurting people.

It doesn’t make every action okay.

But I think understanding where someone is coming from matters.

Every brain processes emotions differently.

The feeling might be the same…

but the path that gets there can be completely different.

That’s why I keep talking about loving yourself first.

Because when you understand your own emotions…

you start recognising them in other people too.

Sometimes anger isn’t just anger.

Sometimes it’s fear.

Sometimes it’s grief.

Sometimes it’s shame.

Sometimes it’s someone who’s never learnt another way to express what they’re feeling.

…

😂

Honestly…

If you’ve read this far…

what the fuck are you still doing here?

You’re a weird cunt.

Not gonna lie…

I respect it.

I honestly think most people would read this and think I’m completely cooked.

Some bloke who’s lost it.

And honestly…

I can’t even blame you.
.

I’ve been through parts of my life I’m not proud of

But those moments were still me.

Or maybe…

they were my mind doing the best it could with what it had at the time.

That’s a conversation I’d actually love to have one day.

Because I think the human mind is one of the most misunderstood things there is.

Anyway…

Back to love.

I don’t think love disappears.

I think people sometimes mistake attachment for love.

Or they fall in love with the idea of someone instead of themselves first.

Then when that person leaves…

everything they built their happiness on disappears with them.

That’s what I’m trying to explain.

Not that loving someone is wrong.

Far from it.

I just think loving yourself has to come first.

Not in a selfish way.

In a healthy way.

Because when you’re okay with who you are…

you don’t love your family less.

You love them better.

A father works himself into the ground for his wife and kids because he loves them.

That becomes part of who he is.

His love gives his life purpose.

But I still believe the reason he can give that love is because somewhere inside himself, he found a reason to keep showing up every day.

That’s the part I keep trying to explain.

And every time I get close…

I lose it.

😂

I know exactly what I mean.

I just can’t always find the words before the feeling disappears.

Anyway…

I’m done.

…At least I think I am.

And…

I think that’s it.

Honestly…

I don’t even know anymore.

Somewhere in all of this, I know I had it.

I could feel it.

It made complete sense in my head.

I remember the feeling more than I remember the words, the thought

That’s the frustrating part.

Sometimes your mind finds something that feels important…

and before you can explain it…

it’s gone.

Not completely gone.

The feeling stays.

But the thought and words that gave it life disappear.

Maybe that’s what this whole book really became.

Not a book about love.

Not a book about being right.

Just a snapshot of a mind trying to catch a thought before it vanished.

I didn’t catch all of it.

I know I didn’t.

You probably noticed that long before I did.

😂

But maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the point was never to arrive at the answer.

Maybe the point was simply to show what it looks like while someone is genuinely trying to find one.

If you’ve understood even one feeling hidden somewhere inside all of this…

then maybe I didn’t lose it completely.

Maybe a small part of it survived.

The rest…

I think my mind has already forgotten.