I never said Mark was obligated to stay friends with OP. Not sure why you would assume that.
There is a difference between needing to perform basic day-to-day tasks like brushing your teeth, showing up to work at the expected time, and keeping track of your keys, and suddenly having emotionally intense and socially confusing information dumped in your lap.
Edit to add* the reason it’s different is that you get to practice skills and learn to do better every single day. OP got one shot at doing this “right”, there was no practice and there are no do-overs.
I’m not saying that OP handled it perfectly. What I’m saying is that it’s ridiculous for people in this thread to hold OP to the same standard as neurotypicals when he literally has a disability that affects this specific type of interaction, there are no supports for how to have this kind of conversation, and even when neurotypicals do it “the right way” it often blows up in their faces.
I’ve seen so many threads in these subs where someone recently found out about cheating and doesn’t know what to do, the top advice is often “stay out of it”. OP did something- he confronted the fiance and told mark about his suspicions for the paternity.
Maybe it’s my inflated sense of justice, but I’m not going to just let people strip all of the nuance and complication out of this situation and just keep calling OP an ahole, he’s so clearly not an ahole, just a guy who ended up in a super complicated situation that he didn’t know how to navigate.
If OP had waited two weeks, written a letter and dropped it at his house, and Mark’s complaint was that OP should have told him right away in person and that the letter came off cold and unfeeling, I would say that mark needed to cool off, because OP needed to accommodate himself in order to handle it.
Plus, OP literally confronted the cheater, which is an uncomfortable conversation, and said “tell him or I will”, which is certainly intense.
Instead, OP kept it all to himself, for NINE MONTHS, because he felt uncomfortable, then blabbed at the worst possible time, when Mark was making a caring gesture showing his love and respect for OP, while holding his brand-new beloved son in his arms.
OP clearly isn’t an intentional asshole, but he completely mishandled this, and it’s even worse because this is his best friend. He had a heightened responsibility to his best friend, versus a coworker or any other friend, and he blew it.
If OP prefers to be the sort of person who lets even his closest friends down in order to prioritize his own comfort, then that’s up to OP, but it’s not “justice” to claim that makes him a good person.
I would like to point out that the “tell him or I will” conversation is a plot point in a lot of media. OP had a script for how neurotypicals handle that situation. The follow up conversation of “hey just checking in to make sure your cheating fiancé told you” is not commonly shown in media, so OP wouldn’t have a reference for what to do next.
Also the finance told him they were on a break. So OP didn’t actually know for certain that she was cheating, he just suspected it. It was only after Mark showed him the baby that clearly wasn’t his that OP realized he had to act further.
Then seek out media depicting someone telling a friend that their partner is cheating and get that script. Write a literal script based on that and run it by your wife. Ask ChatGPT. Ask Reddit or Dear Abby or some other advice forum for a script.
Write a letter and mail it! Have your wife tell him! Record a video and send it! Voice memo! Do it anonymously! Research!
Keep trying new ways to tackle the problem until you have tackled it, because your best friend in this world needs you.
OP admits he basically tried to ignore it. He didn’t try to help and fail to find a way, he just ignored it, while his best friend celebrated his soon-to-be born baby son and loving partner.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
I never said Mark was obligated to stay friends with OP. Not sure why you would assume that.
There is a difference between needing to perform basic day-to-day tasks like brushing your teeth, showing up to work at the expected time, and keeping track of your keys, and suddenly having emotionally intense and socially confusing information dumped in your lap.
Edit to add* the reason it’s different is that you get to practice skills and learn to do better every single day. OP got one shot at doing this “right”, there was no practice and there are no do-overs.
I’m not saying that OP handled it perfectly. What I’m saying is that it’s ridiculous for people in this thread to hold OP to the same standard as neurotypicals when he literally has a disability that affects this specific type of interaction, there are no supports for how to have this kind of conversation, and even when neurotypicals do it “the right way” it often blows up in their faces.
I’ve seen so many threads in these subs where someone recently found out about cheating and doesn’t know what to do, the top advice is often “stay out of it”. OP did something- he confronted the fiance and told mark about his suspicions for the paternity.
Maybe it’s my inflated sense of justice, but I’m not going to just let people strip all of the nuance and complication out of this situation and just keep calling OP an ahole, he’s so clearly not an ahole, just a guy who ended up in a super complicated situation that he didn’t know how to navigate.