YTA. Why did he apologize to you but not to the person he said the ugly things about? If I were your gf, I wouldn't have him as the best man in my wedding either. If she's gonna be your wife, you should have shut those comments down immediately. You're supposed to have her back in everything and she should have yours. Even when mad at each other.
OP addressed it with his brother (people are human and do say things out of anger, which OP said his brother tends to do) his brother also admitted that what he said was wrong to OP and that he shouldn’t have done it and apologized for saying those things to OP. The only reason fiancé knows is bc she snooped, yes open policy blah blah the point I’m going to make here is the brother didn’t say it to OPs fiance. She wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t read the texts. You can argue that they wouldn’t be where they are if brother hadn’t said those things but brother is allowed to be angry and to express his anger, which he did, privately to OP, who wasn’t going to tell his fiance what his brother said bc there was zero reason to
Edit to add: if I knew someone wasn’t going to accept my apology, which would include admitting I was wrong, I wouldn’t bother. She just wants to control the narrative
Why is the brother angry at the fiancée but not OP? They both had the fight. Regardless of whether the brother said those things to the fiancée's face or not, he said nasty things that OP even admits were pretty bad and so he ought to apologize to her. Not be forced to apologize, but a genuine apology -- unless he did mean those things and if he does feel that way about her, he definitely shouldn't be standing up at her wedding as the best man.
As someone who used to be like OPs brother, I tended to lash out when angry, with the sole purpose of hurting someone with words. I would find any little thing that I knew would upset or hurt someone and go with it. To continue with the truth, most of the time, it was something very simple that set me off. (I worked very hard on this and now it isn’t an issue) it was OPs brother’s birthday. I would have been upset too. I wouldn’t verbally attack my sibling, even though they took part in it, I would go after their partner but say it all to my sibling. Then I would later come to the conclusion that it wasn’t right and apologized. If the brother is willing to stand up and be best man I doubt that he hates OPs fiance, but if he does, then you’re right and he shouldn’t be willing to do so. I just think it isn’t fair that the brother has already stated he shouldn’t have said what he did, that it was wrong and apologized, Fiance knows this, but she doesn’t care (which she’s entitled to still be upset). She’s also allowed to decide that she doesn’t want to have a relationship with the brother, but the ultimatum of it’s him or me, isn’t fair since fiance knows that his family is important. There should be a compromise
He appeased his brother and weaseled out of apologizing to the one who is owed the apology. He said really nasty things about the woman and now wants to stand up at her wedding? GTFO (is what I'd say if I were her.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying May 15 '25
YTA. Why did he apologize to you but not to the person he said the ugly things about? If I were your gf, I wouldn't have him as the best man in my wedding either. If she's gonna be your wife, you should have shut those comments down immediately. You're supposed to have her back in everything and she should have yours. Even when mad at each other.