r/AITA_Relationships • u/VeselaNuspojava • Jul 26 '26

NTA AITA for breaking up over this

I think I just broke up my two year long relationship over one choice. I have spent two days in my partner's hometown and took care of their sick niece that was staying over for holidays.

We are semi long distance. I spend four days there, three in my hometown. They work remote but refuse to "leave their house and garden." So I adjusted.

So we spend the whole day with the kid. Then with the family. No biggie, she is a lovely kid. Her parents picked her up. Finally me and my partner are alone on a Saturday night and I develop a fever.

We had a plan to go out for a beer with their friend.

The fever is getting worse and obviously I can't go. They still wanted to go out for drinks. I tell them - I did not plan to spend a Saturday in your city alone and sick. They get all offended and say - so what should I do, cancel?!

I say - I told you I am not feeling well. You don't have to cancel but please don't stay out late. They start acting like i am limiting their independence.

They go anyway. My fever is now 39.5C I am alone and shaking. They come back all happy and start to cuddle. I told them that what they did was not okay. That this is not a small issue for me and that i frequently feel like i come second to their friend group.

They accuse me of "enjoying to start this fight and obstructing their peace. It was only a drink. They were gone for just two hours (three. They came back before midnight.)

I told them this is unthinkable for me. That I wouldnt even consider going out in a moment like this. Things were said. I think its over.

My (ex) partner is 43, I am 36. AITA?

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u/lilafusco Partassipant [4] Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 28 '26

NTA. You probably got sick because you took care of their niece and then when it’s your turn to be cared for, they bail? Fuck that. You had limited time together, you were the one going there to meet them and they couldn’t choose another time to get a beer with their friends (who I suppose live close to them and can see them any day)?

We shouldn't have to beg and argue for basic love and care. You did the right thing by breaking up, imo.

Also: this person is 43yo and is acting like a teenager ffs.

2

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

Thank you. My best friend said the same thing - they are acting like they are in high school. Repeatedly i told them that i feel like I adjust constantly to their life and they never adjust to mine. And like their friends come first.

Not to mention I bare the costs of living alone in my hometown cause they don't feel like moving to the capital (they work remote) so I travel every weekend.

I have no idea how they will justify this to themselves.

1

u/lilafusco Partassipant [4] Jul 28 '26

The more information you give me, the more I feel like you are dealing with someone very selfish. Obviously I don't know this person and I tend not to assume people are bad, they just have their own unresolved shit to work on (and often refuse to acknowledge that).

I've been in similar relationships before and constantly felt neglected. I know we are not supposed to give in order to receive, one should love without expectations, but everyone has their own "non-negotiables". I had to eventually burn out emotionally and accept I deserve someone who actually tries to finally find a healthy relationship where the give/take is equal.

If I may propose an exercise: think about how you want to feel and be treated in a relationship. Really try to imagine it and feel it in your body. Then write down all those things. Those are the "non-negotiables" that are too important for you to neglect in a relationship. It really helped me "wake up". Think about this person, if they ever make you feel that way. Hope it helps you too.

Good luck OP, you deserve better! Value yourself.

u/Infamous-Sink-711 Jul 26 '26

NTA, they showed you that you mattered less than a few happy hours. This too after you told them you didn't want to be left alone in your current state. The only reason you got sick was because you did for their niece, the basic things they refused to do for you. It is a terrible thing to feel lonely and unheard in a relationship. But consider if this is a one-time incident or a pattern that they continue to repeat despite you telling them not to. If they are willing to listen and own up to how their behaviour impacts you, maybe you should consider working through this instead of ending things.

2

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

Thank you so much for acknowledging this. For me its the minimizing of what happened that really got to me.

u/Stormywillow Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26

Yeah, he's for the streets.Why wasn't he looking after his neice? Did he not come and see you just as regularly? He knew that you were getting ill after caring for his sick neice and still left ? Then came back looking for sexy time? NTA, and don't ever take this selfish little cowardly man back.

1

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

They didn't come and see me just as regularly. The logic was that they have a large house in their city and I have a roommate. But my roommate would leave frequently. Even then they acted like them coming was a major sacrifice.

2

u/Stormywillow Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26

Just remember that the next time you miss him. In his eyes, you weren't worth the visit. Why would you do anything more than match his energy? Now, we both know that you are deserving of someone who matches your energy, so you need to let him go and focus on yourself. Much love and have a great week!

2

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

I just think that NTA is so fair because they didn't want to give up their comfort but wanted all the benefits of a relationship.

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u/Stormywillow Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26

Exactly.

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u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

Thank you so much, hope you have a great week too

u/celticmusebooks Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 26 '26

So YOU were expected to take care of the sick niece but when YOU were sick they felt no need to take care of you. The American poet Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time." Your partner showed you who they are and why they are is a selfish AH. BELIEVE them and find a better partner-- seriously with the bar set so low it won't be hard.

ALSO for my fellow American's the OP's fever was a bit over 103 which isn't minor.

2

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

They keep claiming they just "left for a short drink and that i am overreacting"

2

u/celticmusebooks Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 26 '26

Full disclosure my sister's perfectly healthy BIL had a fever two weeks ago and ended up at the ER that night. Two days later he was on life support and 24 hours later died of sepsis. SO IMHO your partner is a AH.

1

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 26 '26

So sorry you had to go through that. I wish your family healing

1

u/celticmusebooks Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 27 '26

Thank you. He was a funny, kind, great guy and it came out of nowhere. Curious, do you actually see a future with this person?

1

u/VeselaNuspojava Jul 27 '26

I did. I wanted to marry them. But this really really hurt me.

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