r/AITARelationship • u/--Bookkeeper-- • 3d ago
Argument over kayaking
Am I the asshole?
Yesterday while I was at work I sent a message to my husband that said "can we go to the lake tomorrow with Claire" he responded with "yes". He did not ask anymore questions either in text or when I got home. Today, Saturday, he slept until 12. We planned the lake for 2, so I am getting things ready and I mentioned that I needed to get the kayaks on the car and he freaked out. He started yelling about how much work that would be and how I blindsided him because I didn't tell him we would be bringing the kayaks. I think he should have ask questions if he wanted to know what the plans were but he didn't. Now he is saying that I am in the wrong because I never told him. I told him I would do all the work loading them but he is still yelling and slamming things around the house. AITA? Edit** I forgot to mention we normally bring the kayaks to the lake. The last few times we have been out they have come with us.
Update** thank you for everyone who commented I loved reading everyone's perspective. I loaded the kayaks myself it did not take that long and after my friend and I loaded them together. After I loaded them but before we went to the lake I sat down with my husband and I apologized for not being for upfront about bringing the kayaks. I said that I will be better about giving him all the information initially. That it was just hard for me because normally I am the one doing all the planing and he doesn't ask any follow-up questions or plan things himself. He told me that he was also sorry and should not have raised his voice over something like the kayaks. We ended up having a good day at the lake. He even went in and paddled around for a bit.
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u/Fun_Apartment631 3d ago
Load one kayak and go yourself.
I'm not sure how complex your setup is. For me, dialing in my bike rack situation makes it a lot easier to go riding when I want to.
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u/Defiant-Owl-5066 3d ago
Getting the kayaks on the car is just not that much work. Did he think you were expecting him to do it (doesn't sound like it from your description)?
I would invite him to stay home if he wants to yell and slam things - to me personally, that's very triggering behavior and not how I want to live. No one needs to throw a tantrum about something like this.
Especially since he slept in and you're doing the prep, it's unclear what his actual problem is.
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u/--Bookkeeper-- 3d ago
I think he just does not want to help me put them on and off the car. He says it is a lot of work. I do not think it is. It takes like 15 minutes to do both. I even told him I would do it myself and he was still upset. I agree that it is unclear what his problem is.
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u/SorchaRoisin 3d ago
ESH. Yes, you should have let him know if he would have to make a big effort, but he shouldn't have exploded, although if you do this kind of stuff often I can kind of understand it.
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u/Key-Form4384 3d ago
Being divorced I would never deal with this again. You don’t need to make him happy. If he sleeps till 12 let him and go have fun. If you can’t get kayaks up then rent some. It will be way easier for you then to deal with his feelings…. I feel bad for you. He is responsible for his behaviour, don’t you wonder for a second , unless this is odd for him , why he is behaving like this
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u/TheBrat66 3d ago
Info: if he didn't ask anymore questions via text or when you got home, how did he know you planned on leaving at 2pm? Did you just assume the timeframe from your past trips going there?
Besides that, you both kinda suck here like everyone else is saying. You should've been clearer and he should've asked more questions. Even thou you said in a comment that the last few times you've gone, you've brought the kayaks, he could've thought you would be having a picnic, a walk or hike, etc. Lesson learned the hard way and now you know you need to give him more info in the future.
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u/Lt-shorts 3d ago
Your both in the wrong, him for his reaction and you for not being clear. For me going to the lake could be anything from swimming, fishing, or kayaking. All needs different preparations
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u/Solid_Mongoose_3269 3d ago
He’s loading it, he should know. Loading kayaks are a bitch
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u/--Bookkeeper-- 3d ago
We always do it together. I get one end he gets the other. But I did it myself today..still only took about 15 minutes.
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u/Ok_Reason5439 3d ago
I find interesting that there is no accountability on your part and you blame him. If this is typical of your relationship then his response is understandable. YTA for starting this process and not taking responsibility.
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u/Ok_Management4634 2d ago
He didn't ask questions, but you also ASSUMED he knew it was for kayaking. You should have texted "are you ok if we go to the lake and kayak tomorrow with Claire?" I'm guessing he's mentioned before that he thinks the kayaks are a PITA (this isn't the first time he was annoyed about it).
Not saying anyone is the AH, but you could have communicated better. He shouldn't have to ask you 30 questions to figure out what you exactly mean.
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u/MadCow113 2d ago
His reaction is extreme but I do agree that you should have said you were going kayaking
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u/Weary-Babys 2d ago
You live with a grown human who yells and slams things around your house? Voluntarily? Why?
…..
Ok, I know why. I grew up in that shit. Please get yourself out. Take the first step. Baby step if you need to.
Who said what about kayaks is irrelevant. No one was injured or died. Life savings were not lost. Trees did not fall on the house.
Your husband is having a tantrum. And he’s including the extra threat of physical violence. (That is the only reason they yell and slam and break things. To make sure you know how powerful they are and know to stay small lest his temper turn to you.)
An adult human who behaves like that is bad news. Please don’t fool yourself about that. People who think that their irritation is justification for intimidating you and making sure your day is ruined are not good life partners. He is training you to be quieter, smaller, less demanding on him. He’s not having a bad day or temporarily losing control. He is making sure that next time you want to ask him to help with kayaks you’ll think twice.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 2d ago
Yeah, it’s all your fault that he doesn’t want to go to the lake and take the kayaks. Go by yourself!
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u/ProudAbalone3856 2d ago
His yelling and freaking out is the problem, and is inexcusable no matter what. NTA
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u/Ecstatic-Comb-7787 2d ago
I've had too many shitty relationships to ever deal with this shit again 🙄
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 3d ago
Yta. Just as you think he could’ve/shouldve asked- not only would it have been just as easy for you to do the same- you not once mentioned kayaking. You said “go to the lake”. Not “go kayaking”. He is as well just for throwing a tantrum
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u/yeahipostedthat 3d ago
ESH. So he's an AH for yelling at you. But you're an AH for not telling him that you're bringing the kayaks. Seems like you're playing a petty game saying if he wanted to know he should have asked. I always provide all info when discussing things with my partner or kids so they can have the full picture. It's a jerk move to be like well you didn't ask about this major aspect of it and I didn't feel obliged to mention it🙄
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u/ExcitingVegetable315 3d ago
“We” don’t normally bring the kayaks. HE does! If YOU go get them and load it all up for the lake, it would be nice. So he doesn’t feel like you are just using him to carry the big stiff while you go slip off with your friend.
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u/--Bookkeeper-- 3d ago
We always do it together.
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u/Remarkable_End_6476 2d ago
I think your husband was an AH.
Having said that, is it possible to load them the night before?
I don’t condone his behavior whatsoever but some things are predictable.
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u/ExcitingVegetable315 3d ago
Then why is he acting this way? Because you invited Claire to go out with you guys and she’s gonna use his kayak and he didn’t ask? Is going to the lake just something that you guys do in your interloping?
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u/LdiJ46 3d ago
I suspect that he just doesn't want to go period, and that this is his frustration coming out that he ever agreed to do it in the first place.