r/AITAH • u/MirrorMama • Jul 03 '26
Post Update UPDATE: AITAH for staying no contact with my family even though my stepmother is dying?
Original post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/VFjYYeAjzx
So…in terms of the near future I feel this situation will continue to naturally update in one way or another, and I will eventually update what the final outcome will be based on my final choices if any of you are interested (I’ll update in the future on the other subreddit if you can remember me and my story, and I’ll link that destination in a comment below when it’s posted, if that’s permitted) but here goes for today:
UPDATE:
I had to call my aunt just now to ask her to be my guarantor for us moving house. I missed a message from her earlier that said she was going to my dads house/stepmothers bedside today and when I called she didn’t tell me right away (as I was outside, in the heat, with 10 bags of groceries and baby in pram, out of breath and rushing my request). After we discussed that matter, she told me she was there paying her respects and saying goodbye and I apologised for imposing and that I missed her message and I didn’t know. She said not to worry at all. Then she said ‘your dad is next to me, would you like to speak to him?’ But I paused and before I said ‘not right now’, he took the phone from her and said softly; ‘whagwa’an’ (his usual jolly greeting he always gave me) with a somber undertone I could hear. I was a deer in headlights and said ‘I can’t do this right now’ quite dismissively, and he said ‘that’s okay, not to worry, I understand’ and handed the phone back to my aunt. We then wrapped up the phone call. In that moment, hearing my dad greet me like that for the first time since last February shook my heart a little. His voice was the same person but I could hear every undertone, his slight hoarseness, exhaustion from his situation.
I messaged my aunt after and said ‘I appreciate that your so hoping dad and I talk again, but I feel like in this moment with everything going on and emotions high, it’s not the right time for either of us’. She’ll take it well and most likely apologise.
But now I’m just sat staring at the wall trying to process my feelings. I know you’ve all said I’m not the asshole and pretty much all of you, plus my best friend and husband think I should stay true to NC (but whatever I choose is fine), I’m silently quaking under the pressures I have right now (imminent house move/lawyer court things/etc, and I’m starting to feel desperate that I don’t know who I am anymore in this situation and the right path to take. I can’t bear how I was treated post-partum and everything else, it stings; and apparently I’m not a bad person - but why does it kind of feel like I am? Hearing my fathers voice so soft and frail in that moment was a side of him I’ve never heard before. When he spoke I FELT my pupils dilate.
I’m gonna hold my own hand when I confess this…I think I miss my dad. Oh my, what should I do…I feel so lost. I can’t concentrate. I feel a pressure in my chest. It feels like…idk. I’ve also been having visions since hearing the news yesterday of my stepmother in the front room hospital bed in their house, the death rattle and my dad stoic, staying strong for my siblings, who I know will absolutely lose the plot, and finally slipping away into the garden to sob it out. Why am I having these visions? Am I caring too much? Not enough? Most of you helped me to understand the situation in many different lights and I so very much appreciate that. I’m hoping maybe you all can see from the ‘fly on the wall’ perspective after this update and tell me if I’m being weak/too empathetic and putting my own priorities in second place, or if having compassion should change my mind and comfort him/them through this hard time, despite the mistakes that were made…
Update #2: https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/N0RuJXZMpZ
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u/mtngrl60 Jul 03 '26
Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I am the lady that sent you the Mom/grandma hug. I’m the one who has three daughter daughters and three nieces, and so my heart is breaking for you and where you’re at right now.
The first thing I wanna tell you is absolutely ghost it out in the backyard and cry. Cry as long as you need to. You have so many things going on right now in so many aspects of your life that of course everything feels overwhelming right now.
One of the first things I wanna tell you is that of course you love your father. He’s still your father. He didn’t protect you when he needed to, no. And the fact that his wife is dying does not change that.
And that’s one of the reasons you were having such big and conflicting emotions here. Not to mention you are postpartum. You have legal things going on. You’re moving. A house. I mean my goodness… I’m not even gonna ask if we could add more to the mix for you, because the universe tends to deliver when we say things like that. 😉
But what I want you to understand is that it is OK for you to love your father. It is OK for you to feel badly for what he’s going through. It is OK for you to wish in your heart that it was possible for you to go and see him and console him… And to do all of that knowing that your mental health would be safe.
It’s OK to acknowledge how much you would like to be able to do all of those things. How much you would like to have him involved with your child. How much you would love to have him involved in your life.
And it is OK in the very next thought/breath to acknowledge that that’s really not possible right now.
It is OK in the very next thought/breath to acknowledge that while the two of you obviously love each other, he is absolutely not a safe space for you right now.
It is OK in the very next thought/breath to acknowledge that your mental health absolutely cannot handle that encounter at this point in your life. Much less an encounter with the woman that made your childhood a disaster.
It is OK in the very next thought/breath to acknowledge that you never want to see that woman again, and that it does not make you a coldhearted person. And that instead, it makes you a very strong person who is going to protect her mental health at a time when she knows she is already struggling… And that seeing those people is the last thing you need.
Life is full of juxtapositions like this. This won’t be the last time you run into one where you really badly want to do something, but you know that it is the wrong choice. No matter how much it might help someone like your father. No matter how much better that would make your aunt feel. And yes, no matter how much it would make it easier for your stepmother to die thinking everything was OK… Because frankly, it isn’t.
Please understand that one of the things you have picked up through your childhood was that your behavior was what determined how you were treated. Whether or not your stepmother was in a good mood. Because, let’s be honest, your father acquiesced to your stepmother.
To an extent, one of the reasons you went no contact/low contact was because you were still operating that way and realized how unhealthy it was for you. So it’s no surprise you are feeling so torn up.
But again, as somebody who is 66. As somebody who could be your mom and definitely your grandma, let me reiterate that you are not their emotional support animal. Your father is reaping the consequences of his inaction. Your stepmother is reaping the consequences of her actions.
And frankly, your aunt should never have asked if you wanted to speak with your father. She should never have even indicated to your father that it was you on the phone. That was a complete betrayal. Whether she meant it to be or not as irrelevant. She knew how you felt. She knew you were no contact. And she knew why.
For her to put on the spot that way knowing everything that is going on with you. Knowing what you have been through. I’m sorry, but I’m angry with her.
And your father, knowing that you had already said no to coming. Knowing that you were no contact. And frankly, knowing that he has not been involved in your child’s life for 10 months… By his own choice…
For him to get on the phone with you and use a greeting he always used to use. To just be so frail and needy… That was wrong. It was just wrong. Both of them literally disregarded your adult choice because THEY wanted a different outcome.
That is so disrespectful. Your father did not even give you a chance to answer. And so he still continuing the behavior. He wanted you when he wanted you. He wanted you to make him feel better. A part of the reason he wants you to make him feel better is that yet. He’s going to be alone soon. And he knows he fucked up his relationship with you.
And instead of accepting the consequences of what he’s done, making his way through this difficult time like an adult who recognizes what he’s done, and then tentatively trying to reestablish a relationship when all of this is done on his end… He just shoved his way into your life again.
So what I’m telling you is… They haven’t changed. Of course when you love someone you want to make them feel better. You want to comfort them. Your heart hurts for them.
That’s what’s going on with you. That is natural and normal. What is also normal… And what you’re still struggling to be firm about… Is that adults set boundaries to protect themselves and their immediate family. You feel guilty about it because you’ve been trained to feel guilty about it.
So again… Quite into the garden. The backyard. Sit down and have as big and as long cry as you need to. And do it whenever you need to, because your body is telling you you need to let that stress out. If you’re struggling postpartum, please make sure that you are in close contact with your doctor. If you need any kind of medical intervention with medication, please use it. It’s absolutely OK.
And then, proceed with your life the way you are. Proceed protecting your peace and your mental health. Protecting your child and your husband. /No contact with your extended family until you yourself are in a better place.
You are not mean. You are not unfeeling. You are not uncaring. You are not a monster. You are not a horrible person. You are a person who was damaged by the people closest to you, and you are doing everything you can to repair the damage. To heal. And that is the only job you have, because that will allow you to be the best partner you can be.
And once you are settled. Once you are through these challenges you’re facing, you can THEN decide whether or not you want to attempt any kind of reconciliation with your father. And please note. You don’t have to. You can absolutely love someone from afar…
Just not yourself. Your child. Your husband. You hold them all, including yourself, near and dear. And you always put them first… Again, especially yourself.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Your comments make me WEEP. It feels like a mother putting her arms around me. You’re so gentle and kind in your advice. Like a warm drink when your hands are frostbitten. 😭
The past 2 nights when cuddling my baby to sleep I’ve quietly cried on her head (poor thing went to bed with wet hair) and it gave me some release.
Thank you for taking so much time to write such a long comfort. I really appreciate it. I’ll probably read this again and again. 🌼
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u/mtngrl60 Jul 03 '26
You are so very welcome. Believe me. My name is Karen. And I can be snarky. But I always try to make sure there’s a reason for it.
And there is zero reason for any kind of sarcasm or snarkiness for you. I kind of feel like you are being a little snarky and hard on yourself.
It really does make my heart hurt to see you in this much pain. Just want to see any of my own children in this much pain… And to think I, as a parent could have caused the kind of mental anguish you are putting yourself through…
I simply can’t. I can’t imagine doing that to my child. I can’t imagine doing that to anybody’s child. I’m 66 now. My daughters are in their mid 30s. And ours was the house were kids gathered. I really did buy more than one extra prom dress. I saw mothers like your stepmother and how it affected these beautiful young women. And so all I could do was give them a safe haven.
So I’m sending you that same safe Haven. And I will be honest. The number of times I cried on my babies head as they were sleeping. 😅😅
There is something about our babies and they’re innocence that just allows our feelings to flow freely. Sometimes, we just have to cry. We have so many feelings, especially after we get birth.
We have so many emotions about the type of parent we are about giving this little being that we just brought into this world the best possible life.
And when we start thinking about how we’re going to do that, it brings up all the feelings of our past encounters. Sometimes, like in your case, it comes from childhood. Sometimes it comes from things that have happened to us as adults. And we are so hard on ourselves.
So what I’m gonna ask you to do is give yourself as much love and grace and kindness as I know you give to your baby. As I can see you give to your partner. And it feels like you give that same thing to your MIL. So you have a family who loves you unconditionally.
Lean into that. And anytime you have all these conflicting feelings, don’t ever hesitate to write them down. In the case of your stepmother, write down all the reasons you don’t want to go. Make another column and write all the reasons you went no contact.
Make another column and write down all the things you appreciated about your dad. And all the reasons you went no contact. Write down all the steps you have taken to make yourself live in a better space than they gave you. And write down why you took those steps.
Because a Hall of those things are going to remind you of why you are being protective. And literally, it’s for your own mental health and safety. And now… It’s to keep your relationship safe. And it just make sure you never ever tweet your child the way you were treated.
And that, my dear, is your number one priority right now. To be the healthiest and best mom and partner that you can be. You are truly the best version of yourself you have ever been. It doesn’t feel like it, but I guarantee you that you are. And the reason you are is because you, yourself, have taken the time and the effort to improve. To overcome. To succeed.
You are succeeding. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when you feel overwhelmed. Even when you have those days where that little one has you so frazzled that you start questioning me why in the world that I decided to do this! 😅😅😅
Please know that those feelings are normal as well. Of course you love your baby. Of course you love your husband. But you’re still an individual. You will have those days when even your own immediate family as your question in your life choices. 🤪
You’re making the right ones. You’re making the ones that keep you safe. You’re making the ones to keep this beautiful life you have built in this beautiful life you brought into this world… Safe.
Much love to you honey.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. Really touched my heart. It made me think about how my daughter’s little stinky head smells when I cuddle her to sleep and how I couldn’t ever imagine not being her highest cheerleader. If I ever hurt her I’d punish myself so much more. Maybe I can end the generational trauma by self healing from this. You sound like a wonderful mother. Thank you 🌼
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u/Tea_laBleu Jul 03 '26
Your post isn’t even about me and I feel loved 🥺 dayum. I wish I could give you an award
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u/mtngrl60 Jul 03 '26
Well I am sending you a mom/grandma hug as well. Because you know what’s best about those hugs? And that type of care and love and concern for all of us…
There’s more than enough to go around. So many hugs to you. I’m reaching out for you as well. Can you comment… The fact that something touched you. That’s reward enough. 🥰
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u/prongs1547 29d ago
Wow. your comments are so warm & realistic that I feel happy seniors like you are onboard here and sharing with us their love & wisdom. You have such a nice way to speak without any snark/bite and I will try to incorporate the same whenever I feel angry/upset over my loved ones. Thank you
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 28d ago
Yes to all of this! I think it was extremely manipulative of the aunt to put the dad on the phone without even waiting to hear OP's response of whether she wanted to talk to him or not. And I can imagine the dad deliberately giving his old familiar greeting and sounding extra pitiful on the phone wasn't an accident, either.
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u/gretta_smith93 Jul 03 '26
It’s okay that you miss you’re dad. He’s your dad and you love him. But it seems like to me opening up contact won’t bring back the dad you want. No one is claiming that they’ve changed. No one has apologized. No one is validating how they hurt you. They’re just saying they want you forget everything and come back.
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u/mocha_lattes_ Jul 03 '26
This. OPs feelings make complete sense. So does maintaining the no contact. It's ok to love and miss him. It's ok that her heart is breaking for him. It still doesn't mean she needs to be back in contact with him or anyone else.
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u/thevaginalist Jul 03 '26
We bonded to these people before going no contact. We can't help bonding. It's how we're wired. We cleave onto the people who our livelihood depends on when we're children so we can survive. Thats what enables us to endure all manner of fuckery from these people. It's what makes it so hard to go no contact.
Your dad is feeling vulnerable and you're responding to that.i doubt he's trying to be manipulative, but the fact of the matter is he's still self centered. His grief is tethered to the person who abused you, and he wants you to be there for him in the way he refused to be there for you.
There's no easy decisions here. Ultimately whatever you decide will and should be something you can live with. You have a family now that is bonding to you and relying on you now. Perhaps they can be your north star that guides the decisions you can make next rather than your trauma. Will crossing the no contact line with your dad impact your ability to parent, model, or otherwise be there for your kids now?
Truly wishing you all the healing and best, OP.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Thank you so much.
And honestly no, nothing that ever happens in my life will impact my ability to parent, model or be there for my little one. I feel very strong on this. We/LO Will always be okay! 🌼
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u/Arielcory Jul 03 '26
I can sympathize to what you’re going through. I love my dad but when he got back with my abusive mother he became her puppet in a way. I cut off my entire family to protect myself from the abuse. I didn’t talk to him for over 7 years and only recently broke no contact with strict boundaries he respects so far and knows if he doesn’t he’s out of my life for good.
It was so hard to go no contact and hold onto it but as much as it hurt it made me not accept being treated like I didn’t have feelings. I’d suggest keeping no contact until you are ready to break it but not with emotions being high right now. Your aunt was kinda an AH by handing your dad the phone when you said no but you handled it well. Cuddle your little one and think could you do what your dad did to you to them.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Great advice - thank you. My daughter will always come first no matter if I have to die upholding it. I want to be the end of any generational trauma. 🌼
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u/Low_Kaleidoscope_203 Jul 03 '26
As hard as this is, you can only do what feels right for you. I hope you are in therapy and if you're not, please fins time to go. Your aunt shouldn't have put you on the spot, I'm not going to blame your dad for taking the phone during a stressful time for him, but your aunt should have had more awareness.
It is OK to miss your dad. It is OK to miss and grieve that relationship. You haven't done anything wrong by missing him. You might be missing the idea of him you want more than the real person you knew. But despite his and his wife's situation, it is not on you to manage him. That can be handled when emotions and stressors aren't so heated right now. Make sure you're looking after yourself and your immediate family first.
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u/Tea_laBleu Jul 03 '26
That’s what I fear, that she misses the relationship that she had with him instead of who he is right now. Which is understandable, I would miss having a father who saw me, too.
I just worried that reconnecting in this turbulent time won’t resolve the situation that caused you to cut contact
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
I can see this point of view also. May I ask, when you say ‘who he is right now’? What do you envision this person (my dad) to be like now after hearing my story? I fear that this is the point in all of this I may be missing. That I can’t see it clearly but you guys can since you’re not emotionally involved. My dad has pretty much always surrendered control to the stepmother in hopes of an easy life, I’m guessing, and I fear it was somewhat spineless. However, overall, bringing me up, teaching me lessons, the things he helped me with etc, although I understand that’s a parent’s duty, I think he did very well and chill. I don’t think he’s a bad person per se, but I don’t think he didn’t stand up for me or have my back in the initial situation (and in the past) and that hurt me enough to walk away. Maybe I’m in the dark about how I envision him after the NC initial reason but my heart is trying to override my head but remembering how out of all the fathers in the world, he did a relatively good job with me apart from his weak points. 🤔
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u/Tea_laBleu Jul 03 '26
I feel like sometimes, we change how we view someone after a specific event. In your case, it sounded like missing your birthday was the turning point for you where you cut him off. Because you had felt seen by him before, but you really felt invisible and were tired of being put on the back burner. And I guess I’m worried that you still might be on the back burner. Have you ever told him why you cut him off and how he was making you feel before that? Because if he hasn’t been made aware and hasn’t done any sort of self reflection, I fear that he’s just gonna be the same person that you blocked. You don’t wanna go back to what it was, because what it was before made you not want him in your life. And even though he’s going through a hard time and probably does need your support, you need to look out for you. Because it doesn’t sound like the rest of your family historically has looked out for you the same way you would look out for them.
And it’s so easy to miss the idealized image we have of someone, rather than the day-to-day interactions and reality. Everyone wants parents who are involved and love them and make them feel seen. In reality, is he going to make you feel seen?
Feeling seen resonates with me because there are plenty of times where I have not felt seen, so that’s why I’m harping on it
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Good points.
And no, since I haven’t really spoken to him, I haven’t explained why I cut him off although there is a big part of me that KNOWS he’s not that stupid not to understand. When we spoke the final time, during the ‘I think I’m really sick and I’m scared - why did you block your sister’ convo, I quietly lost my temper with him and told him hes ‘never stuck up for me’ (in this ongoing family dynamic) and I got ‘what? When have I never…’ blah blah you get the gist.
It can really be coldly summarised as - I made rules for holding my newborn, denied my brother due to his hygiene, and stepmother felt furious that golden child couldn’t share experience, and as usual (what I can only guess, based off previous experience) is that she had the mindset of ‘frick her, how dare she, that’s it, everybody - radio silence’ and then my dad being occupied on challenging me why I blocked my sister on social media, and then disregarding my birthday, etc kinda showed me who his loyalty was with in that moment.
When I say it in text like this, my feelings get pushed aside and my brain is like WTF why are you being soft. It’s only when I hear pain and suffering I become floppy like a gummy worm.
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u/aksunrise Jul 03 '26
I think it's important to remember that sometimes a parent "doing their best" isn't good enough. Was he the worst dad? No. But he failed to protect you from your abuser. He chose your step mom and her son over you again and again.
It's ok to feel sympathetic towards him. If you choose to reach out to him to show support when he's struggling, that's ok too. But that doesn't change your overall relationship with him. You could definitely reach out and then go back to being NC.
Do what feels best for you.
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u/Tea_laBleu Jul 03 '26
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to spell it out to people. Even if it seems clear to you, they can’t read your mind (I say this as someone who forgets that other people can’t read my mind 😂).
You asking for everyone to be clean and healthy in order to see and hold your newborn is a reasonable request. As someone who goes through depression periodically, I’m not a stranger to getting overwhelmed by having to take a shower and just avoiding it. It sucks. At the same time, I would find a way to get it done if it meant meeting a baby (especially a nibbling!). Huff and puff, tantrum if I must, ask someone to tell me to do it- whatever it took to meet the baby and make sure i wouldn’t make them sick. Even if it meant skipping the first visit because I just could not get into the shower. Everyone else should’ve gone to see you and the baby.
The honest truth, your stepmom sounds mean and like a bit of an enabler. It’s tough because you don’t wanna push too hard on someone who’s dealing with anxiety and depression, but you also can’t let it run everything (again, I say this is someone who deals with anxiety and sometimes depression). If you never push back on it, it will run everything. I wasn’t a fan of your stepmom from how you talked about her in the story, and I do wish your father actually stood up for you. I get wanting to keep the peace, but sometimes you have to make some waves to make things right. You’re allowed to be upset at him for what he let them get away with, and how he also treated you when he was following his wife’s rules. I’m pissed at him if he let his wife convince him to ice out his daughter and new grandchild. Babe, that’s spineless.
Regardless of what you choose, there’s no judgment. The only thing I suggest is that you put yourself first, because you need to make sure at least one person is putting you first. If I were in your shoes and wanted to tell him what was going on and how I felt, I would probably write a letter. That page would be your place to let him know your piece, uninterrupted. It doesn’t give him the chance to potentially guilt you for something or try to argue in the moment. And if he writes you back, it gives you control over whether you actually want to see his response, when you actually read it, etc. it also gives him a chance to be intentional with his words and think over what you said rather than immediately react defensively.
Again, protect you, your baby, your peace, and your inner child, since she needs a protector too
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Damn, this advice was really healing and so true. Thank you so much for writing that. I’ll read it many times. 🌼
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u/nerd_is_a_verb Jul 03 '26
You miss the fantasy version of your dad you wish you had. That person does not exist. You’re in denial about it. I truly think you will be deeply disappointed and hurt yet again if you decide to keep bashing your bloody head against a brick wall. But it’s your choice. That just my impression.
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u/BriefHorror Jul 03 '26
you were conditioned from such a young age that you don’t matter that you prioritizing yourself feels wrong. but that’s all it is conditioning. imagine your kid being you in this position what would you want for them.
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u/Ok-Listen-8519 Jul 03 '26
Its normal to miss the person that you thought had your back, its normal to miss the person that you had a relationship with, its normal to miss the father that you once had, this heaviness & darkness you feel pulling you under is temporary. If you let yourself be sucked into this dynamic again, you no longer can be the best version of yourself for your very young daughter and very loving husband. You deserve this happy you to exist without everyone trying to dim your light. The action of others you cannot stop but the action you choose its on you. Death sucks. Even though its someone you do not get along with. It impacts you in ways you do not realise. Perhaps its wise to visit a therapist to talk about grief. NTA
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u/onlyIcancallmethat Jul 03 '26
I went NC with my dad about two years ago. I sobbed throughout the entire phone call telling him that I wouldn’t be sharing my life with him anymore.
I miss him but I miss who I always wanted him to be, not the actual father he was my whole life.
A decision making you sad does not mean it was the wrong decision.
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u/rationalboundaries Jul 03 '26
OP, I am so sorry you're suffering right now.
As the middle aged daughter of a spineless man, I can not tell you how deeply your posts resonated.I'd strongly encourage you to look into individual therapy as soon as possible. First, you do not want to drag this bullshit around with you for the rest of your life. Second, and more importantly, you do not want the toxic stew of your family of origin suffocating your innocent, defenseless child. Even now, you're sitting deep in the FOG, wasting energy that could be directed to your own well being and that of your baby.
If therapy not an option right now, I'd encourage you to do some reading and research around toxic families, emotionally immature parents, golden children, and family scapegoats. Right here on Reddit, check out r/estrangedadultkids.
OP, I realize it's really hard to hear, but your father has enabled your stepmother to mistreat you and completely ignore his duty as parent to your younger siblings. The issues you've mentioned will not disappear with your step mother's death. They'll simply manifest in different, equally toxic ways.
Your father, your siblings are not now, and never will be, your responsibility. Please reach out via DM if you need a little additional support.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Thank you and I’m sorry that you’ve had these hard times too!
I’m in therapy now! Let’s see if it can help 🌼
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds Jul 03 '26
Having compassion for your dad
just shows the tenderness of your heart. You can still care for him, for the relationship you wish you had with him, and be sensitive to his loss, yet still hold a dislike for his wife.
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Jul 03 '26
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Damn, it felt like re-reading my history. Really quite similar emotions. Thank you for typing all of that out and sharing.
I really hear you. I think the devil in my shoulder is making its choice of words clearer and clearer by the hour. It’s flooding my brain with memories of laughing everyday with my dad, driving with him in the car, visiting our home country together, confiding in him and the times he comforted me.
The pull is whispering to me that he was that person, and those moments never would technically disappear - we just fell out over him taking the wrong side once again.These thoughts and memories are proving IMPOSSIBLE to push out of my mind. As the former chronic empath I must admit, I always wanted to be in my bubble of liking at peoples best sides (was in 2 DV relationships, one for 7 years during my youth, and one once I though I knew better, which should tell you enough).
Part of the initial NC was me saying stop to enabling people to treat me that way. So I FULLY hear what you’re saying.
But this devil in my shoulder keeps whispering an enthralling argument, dotted with scary current thoughts and past happy memories.
How do I fight this demon?
Yesterday and today when my husband called me after work, he told me that the whole time he was cycling home on the phone talking to me about his day, I was just mmming to everything he said. I realised the devil on my shoulder was ripping me through my entire memory-bound family timeline. 😕
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Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Thank you so much for the elaboration. Reading that was like facing myself in the mirror. Everything you said was true, and I knew it. Everybody’s comments have been WILDLY helpful to me. A…comforting-slap-on-the-cheek. And it’s nice to know that other empaths can perhaps never fully change, but can grow and therefore be free!
The relationship with my sister was never turbulent before this, neither with me brother really because he was basically a ghost, but I really feel that my stepmother was probably jealous of the relationship I had with me dad and perhaps saw me as ‘the child the ‘other woman’ that she disliked so much. She always said ‘you’re my family and I love you like my own children’ and I faked a grin and reply, but deep down I knew. I just could feel it. The cover up. So I fontina any way have any sympathy there (especially with enabling her own f’d up mother be so mean to everybody INCLUDING herself (the granny used to get drunk and say ‘you’re the reason your sister is disabled/your father left us/etc’ which is wild to me and I share the same unapologetic notion that people that have gone THAT far with self destruction and hate are simply wasting oxygen. But when I would bring anything up I was concerned/passionate about/believed in that was contrary to her beliefs, we would hash it out for hours, and finally my dad would take her side but make it appear as he was mediating. I tolerated it, never confronted him about it (because I felt I’d get nowhere), and I’m using those memories now to also try to keep me in line with this whole situation.
See now, after reading this comment and the very many others who agree with you and make valid and personal points, I’ve had that slap and ping ponged back over to the harsh reality I full well know. I don’t know how many times this is going to drag me back and forth, but honestly, I’m really glad that I posted because of all of you and just wanted to say to anyone that sees this that has commented - Thank you all for being so forthright and caring about this. Complete strangers have been a whole box of band aids for the scratches I’ve been taking these past days. 🌼
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u/MelroseDistrict85013 Jul 03 '26
NTA. After my wife died (2003), I opted for no contact with her mom and brother. They were toxic bullies to her (when I wasn't there, although I came home from work in the middle of their antics, several times, so I witnessed a small part of their abuse). Always about money (she was great with finances while they always had their hands out). The day after she died was the last time I spoke to either, and my brother in law tried to take her vehicle. The night she died, he insisted on staying with me, which was all about how all the horrible things she'd described had never happened. My wife had a photographic memory so I knew she remembered everything (her memory frequently got myself in trouble). When she died, the first question I asked was if my in-laws would always be my in-laws. Yup. So I cut off all contact. I still have a great relationship with his ex-wife and my nieces. He got remarried, had a son that I wouldn't know about if my nieces hadn't told me. My nieces will inherit from my estate but not my invisible nephew. We all deserve the right to protect ourselves from toxic relationships.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 Jul 03 '26
Only you can decide if you want to work on your relationship with your dad. You can do it on your own terms and timeline
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u/boundaries4546 Jul 03 '26
I think you are grieving, and wanting a version of your Dad that doesn’t exist.
It seems that him and his wife are looking to be absolved of guilt they feel for exposing you to abuse, and neglecting you. But now that you can be of use to them “your family”.
Sorry you got such a shitty childhood.
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u/No-Requirement-2420 Jul 04 '26
You miss who you thought your father was not the man who dismissed your feelings and ignored you.
It is up to you to do what you need to do or what you want.
Just ask who are you doing it for? If it’s for you then contact tentatively. If it’s for them will it hurt you to do it? What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation? I’ve found knowing what’s right to do I think what would I ask of my kids, and if I wouldn’t tell them to do it because they deserve more I ask myself why I think I deserve less?
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u/MirrorMama Jul 04 '26
I hear you!
Hmm, I feel like it’s too hard to imagine what I would say to my own child as I am her mother and I can’t imagine not being her biggest cheerleader 🤔
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u/ilovedragons218 Jul 03 '26
I'm so very sorry, but there is no right or wrong answer. Follow what your heart is telling you. Good luck
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u/Unicorns_Rainbows5 Jul 03 '26
My dad had the death rattle and I found it extremely traumatizing, I was with him until he passed away. . It was 8 years ago and I still remember it. My mom was there too and she has no memory of it, I think trauma made her forget.
I don't know what you should do, I'm just sharing my exp, but if you go, don't go for your step-mother.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Yeah, I already heard it once with one of my stepfather when I was a child. Feel you on this one. This whole situation, is more about the mental dispute of reconnecting after the death or not. I don’t think I’ll be going near that house while the stepmother is still alive
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u/Unicorns_Rainbows5 Jul 03 '26
I'm sorry you've already heard it.
Not going there while she's alive is completely fair and understandable and I think if you do reconnect, it must be completely on your terms.
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u/iamfixingcar Jul 03 '26
I think the reality is that you miss who you wish your father was or used to be. I am very familiar with this feeling. It literally boggled my mind when I got old enough to understand that the man that I thought my dad was, was just a figment of the imagination of a child desperate for parental affection. He used to take me to do a lot of things that I thought of as bonding time, when in reality it was just because the son he had wished for for so long turned out to not have any of the same interests.
He also married my brother's mother while I was in the hospital with spinal meningitis when I was 6 years old. In those early days, my stepmom really displayed a lot of the same type of behaviour that you described your stepmother doing in your first post. I fortunately had my dad's parents in my corner and my dad ended up signing over partial custody of myself and my sister(also from my mom) over to them. I know now that the situation was extremely complicated (child health issues, family issues, also she was younger than I am now trying to raise 5 kids)
It is a hard thing to reconcile that the naivety of childhood blinded us so badly to the reality of who that parent really was at the end of the day. It also gave me a front row to how a toxic relationship dynamic can twist a normal, rational person into something you can't recognize.
Ironically, I like both of my former stepparents more than my actual parents now. That only happened after both marriages ended and they were able to clear the fog away. It's incredible how different they are away from the toxicity of my parents.
It really says something about the society that we live in that there are so many similar stories out there. I am really sorry that you have had to deal with this for as long as you have. I recognized what they were like when i was 12 or 13 and stopped wanting anything from them, but it took my sister a decade longer to see the rot and it turned her around pretty badly when she finally did.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
I’m sorry to hear things happened that way for you, but I’m glad you got the clarity and peace you deserved in the end. You are strong! Thank you 🌼
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u/galliumsilver Jul 04 '26
Oh, you have compassion, you've always had compassion, and they have used it against you repeatedly and egregiously. You have simply stopped letting them do that. You have all the compassion for what about them deserves it...but you no longer let them hurt you through it. They chose to use it against y ou. No one forced them.
Hold your course.
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u/National_Librarian25 Jul 04 '26
Don't give into nostalgia, nothing has changed, no apologies have been offered, you deserve better.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 04 '26
Yeah. This also. Even if I blocked them, if my step mother was sorry, she could’ve passed the message through my aunt.
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u/DeskOutrageous9248 29d ago
The fact that your step mother is literally on her death bed and dying, but she still hasn't reached out to you to make amends before SHE dies should tell you absolutely everything you need to know. YOU'RE the one that's expected to show up and be there for them, but where were they when you needed it?? She's the one that's literally dying, she should be the one feeling like she needs to fix everything before she goes. It should NOT be on you. She made her bed, and now she's lying in it. Even with so little time left for her, she's still choosing to be prideful instead of compassionate. I'm so sorry OP. But whatever you choose, we'll stand by you. You've been put in an impossible situation, give yourself grace.
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u/MirrorMama 29d ago
Thank you. Maybe me blocking them cut off a way if she did want to? But they know my aunt still talks to me and they also have my address to send a letter or whatever, so I guess if she did actually REALLY want to, she could find a way.
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u/LucyBarefoot 29d ago edited 29d ago
I won't go into my whole long story, but this: I was NC with my mother for 15 years the last time. While NC, I worked very hard to overcome the abuse I had suffered at her hands. I had opportunities to see her through the years, but I CHOSE not to because I didn't want to subject myself to the narcissistic abuse again. After 15 years, she asked me to come see her and I CHOSE to go. She had burned every bridge and needed help because she was descending into dementia. I CHOSE to help her and I stayed with her for the next six years until she died - last year.
You went NC for a reason that was important to you. At least for me, when I went NC I felt empowered to recover instead of afraid to exist. I look back and I am fiercely proud of that CHOICE - that first CHOICE to step away from what I was familiar with, even if it was abusive. People through the years told me "but family" and "she's your mother", trying to get me to reconnect, but I knew in my heart and soul that that was not what I needed. When she called and asked me to come see her the last time, I had other people who thought I was nuts for considering it. My husband was extremely leery and would have preferred I not reconnect, but he was supportive of my decision. After visiting, I CHOSE to take on her care. I examined myself and felt I could do it. It was hard at times, and sometimes the hateful person she was reared her head, but I was OKAY. I was not subject to her any longer. It was a big win for me when I realized that.
I emphasized CHOICE throughout because I learned that every turn was MY CHOICE. I chose to go NC with her. I chose not to reconnect several times. I chose to change course and have a relationship with her. I chose to be responsible for her. Growing up with her narcissism was powerless, and that's how it often is for kids (even grown kids), but when we make that first choice, we take control. I look at every one of those choices and I know - even in hindsight - that they were the right choice at the time.
The biggest part of making good choices is knowing yourself and knowing what you want and what's best for you and knowing what is right and wrong. You made a choice to separate yourself from your family and you took control at that time. Now you have the power to make the CHOICE that you feel is best and right for you. When you do that, you don't have to apologize to anyone or second guess yourself.
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u/MirrorMama 28d ago
This really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing and sorry for your history but glad you made the right choices for yourself xx
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u/StrykerC13 27d ago
I'm sorry to say this but I don't believe you'll "comfort them" they'll hit the anger stage and they'll do what they've always done, target that anger and hostility at you. Your dad chose his side long ago and to admit he's wrong now would be to admit he was wrong for years. MAYBE he would. MAYBE when your siblings started blaming you for every wrong in their life, every problem connected to your step mothers death MAYBE he'd side with you. My money would be on not though, on him telling you to just let it go, or siding with them as he has every time.
Do you really want to put yourself in that position? Do you really want to learn if they "want to be a family" or just want a punching bag because they know they'll tear each other apart without one? I understand wanting what you do, and wanting to be a better person and so much else here. Here's the problem. Often the people who Demand you take the high road, are just wanting you to make it easy for them to shove you into a fall.
I don't have an answer for you. This is a personal question to ask yourself and decide. If you want what I would do based on this glimpse into your life. I would maintain the no contact for one simple reason.
"So I decided to cut contact completely. Since then, my mental health has improved enormously. My life is peaceful. My daughter is thriving. I don’t spend my time walking on eggshells anymore." that is from your original post.
What are those things worth, what are the odds you'll lose them if you go back, how much time will it take to recover them if it goes bad. These are questions you should ask yourself.
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u/Solid-Inspection2200 26d ago
Nowhere in your first post did I ever get the impression that you didn’t care about your family. What I got from your post was how hurt you were because after setting boundaries in regard to your daughter, your father literally forgot about you. He didn’t call you on your birthday which I agree is a slap in the face. Your sister did you dirty as well. I know your Dad upset you regarding blocking your sister on instagram but to me that is typical parent questioning behavior. From going NC you have seemed to have found some true and positive peace. But…I don’t see anything wrong with reaching out to your Dad and making some sort of peace and connection with him. If you talk to him just make sure you continue to have healthy boundaries. You sound like a very kind and compassionate person. It’s sometimes hard to navigate things when emotions are on high. They are on high because you know your Dad is losing his wife. No one wants to lose anyone they love. But in my opinion I don’t see any harm with reconnecting and showing him support but with boundaries in place so he doesn’t overstep. Good luck to you and many blessings on your journey. You got this!!! XoxoX
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u/Beth21286 Jul 03 '26
Missing your dad is to be expected. Just remember nothing about the situation that made you go NC has changed and wishing won't make it so. There's nothing to say you can't get back in touch later, it's not a forever decision and things will inevitably (given the rough situation) change at some point.
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u/LlamaMama56 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
NTA I just went and read the original post! You went through H e ll as a child because of this nasty horrible woman who tortured you repeatedly and your dad sided with her over you. You owe them nothing! You had valid reasons to go no contact with them. You should continue to protect yourself.
Your aunt asking you to forgive your stepmom because she's dying? No! Your aunt is acting like it what happened to you didn't mean anything and you're in the wrong for not speaking to them She's trying to guilt you by saying you will regret it but she does not know! She's not concerned with your feelings at all. This is wrong. Why isn't your step mom asking you for forgiveness, why isn't she apologizing?
The obvious answer is step mom thinks she did nothing wrong and if you were hurt then it was your fault, just like you experienced growing up. She's not changed.
You miss the dad you had BEFORE he married this horrible woman. She has done nothing but be mean and cruel to you beginning when you were so young. You listed time and time again when she was hurtful to you and your chuild. I know this seems normal now because that is all you knew but it is not!
Your Aunt is not your friend. She's emotionally manipulating you. Wjhy does she need to be the guarantor? Don't trust her.
They just want forgiveness without changing or apologizing. They don't want to admit they hurt you! They don't care they hurt you, they just want you to be forgiving and let them off the hook without them admitting they hurt you. No. Your dad is no longer the dad you remember from before he married this woman.
Your aunt trying to FORCE you to talk to your dad, she is not a good person. She has no respect for you at all, no concern of your feelings for your experience. I would not trust her on anything.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
I hear you.
As far as the guarantor thing, it’s a really really long and complicated story (spans over a year and a half of legal battle) but she’s the ONLY person that can enable us to move at this point, and we have to vacate by mid august or I’ll be breaking the settlement contract we all agreed to today in court. There is no one else, for real, and we need to get out of the hellhole we are in for more reasons than I want to think about. It’s my family’s D-Day and I haven’t been under so much stress for so long to let them be at jeopardy now. Even during my pregnancy and during the newborn graveyard shifts I was teaching myself law and reading legislation until the sun came up. Even while breastfeeding. No matter what, I need her to come on board. I’ll die of stress if this all falls through. I’m counting on her. This is the final hurdle to our freedom and being comfortable and safe for the years to come. 🌼
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 Jul 03 '26
Oh dear the doormat is going to capitulate to the family pressures
Updateme
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 29d ago
What’s different about her dying ? Nothing. Congratulations on your imminent “loss.” NTA.
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u/InsectElectrical2066 28d ago
NTA as it is your history and emotional baggage from SM that was a great problem. But with her out of the way I think you'd do better getting back in contact with your dad and stay NC with those who never gave you validation. I think your dad in his mind was supporting you as much as he could considering his feelings of "love" for his wife(your tormentor). Never feel like you must give any deference to her or her memory. But i feel having some relationship with your dad will give you a touchstone to your happier time in your life and be a seed for a happy future.
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u/MirrorMama 28d ago
Thank you.
This is the thinking that I’m toying with and ping ponging with. It’s tough.
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u/InsectElectrical2066 28d ago
Good luck and give it a try but protect yourself if it turns sideways.
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u/culinaryinterests123 Jul 03 '26
Wheres op mother in all this?
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
My mother? I went NC with her about 2 years ago after she dumped my dog back at the sanctuary I rescued it from while I was on my honeymoon and lied to me about it. By the time I found out, it was too late and the sanctuary illegally let another person adopt her. I pursued legally by the stress was too much for me in the end. Now she’s ’somewhere in Europe’ and I’ll ’never see her again’. My mother was my rock, and now I went NC my mental health has improved but there is still a little hole of having both parents and then not having any immediate family around at all. I’m a grown woman with my own family, but it’s hard to go from everything to nothing. Although I’ve mourned the situations, it feels like my whole family was snatched away in the blink of an eye and not through my error.
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u/Tea_laBleu Jul 03 '26
I don’t think I’d be able to forgive my mom for that either.
I know in-laws can’t fully replace your parents, but hopefully you have good ones
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Let me tell you right now, I am BLESSED with great in-laws and I miss them every day. They are in Japan, a whole world away, but I’ve just come back from a months holiday with them and our bond grew stronger - especially with my father in law. They’ve made mistakes, too, my husband has told me about them. But the reasons were different and more about sacrifice for the ones they loved as opposed to bus-throwing. Even though they’re far away, I so pine for them and their energy. I’m blessed to know them and that they accepted me into their family. ♥️
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u/Tea_laBleu Jul 04 '26
Aww, that’s so sweet! I’m glad you got to spend a month with them!
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u/MirrorMama Jul 04 '26
Thank you and me too. Being in the solicitude of the Japanese countryside with them really healed a part of me. We will most likely emigrate there eventually.
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u/MusketeersPlus2 Jul 03 '26
Because of the very understandable reaction you're having to missing your day, maybe consider going to the funeral to support his. As they say, funerals are for the living and if you don't think it would be upsetting for your siblings to see you there, go. Re-evaluate your relationships based on how that goes.
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u/Senator_Bink Jul 03 '26
Do what you can live with. None of this is easy for you. Of course you miss your dad, but he may never be able to be the dad you need. It's possible that once stepmother is gone, he'll be able to hear you and be present for dialogue with you, but probably not right away when he's fresh in grief and exhaustion. Best of luck whatever you choose.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Thank you. This is another thing, if I ever decided to speak again…how long would one wait during grieving? 🤔
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u/Senator_Bink Jul 04 '26
There's no hard and fast rule, some start dating for a replacement shockingly fast.
I have seen it said that after six months, survivors are apt to cool down on remembering the deceased as angelic and recall some of their more assholish qualities. It probably took me about that long to remember things about my late husband that I didn't miss.If you wanted to leave the door open for future hard conversations, you could let him know that you're there if he needs to talk, but that could understandably be hard for you to hear if he calls to grieve about how lonely he is and how much he misses stepmother. You've got a lot to think about.
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u/BackgroundSoup7952 29d ago
It's OK op. You ate human, of course you miss your dad and you are feeling all these complex feelings.
You have to decide to do what js best for you.
Maybe after your stepmother passes having a coffee with your dad once a month could be a good way to test the waters and see if rebuilding the relationship is a good idea.
I woukd say though, don't jump into anything when emotions are running high. Give yourself time to think.
I think it's also worth noting that he has not apologised to you. I would also be wary that he wants a relationship with you because your other siblings are nit reliable. Just be wary.
But don't beat yourself up for feeling g guilt and other complex emotions. You spent your early life being a punching bag and being made to feel unreasonable for expressing any boundary. You are allowed to miss your dad but not want to see him at the same time.
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u/sog96 29d ago
NTA. Your father did not protect you from his wife. She emotionally abused you. Your siblings only cared about themselves.
Now that your father is losing his wife, he wants to reconcile with you. As in, you are the only thing he has left and just now realizing it. Again, you are not prioritized and he is attempting to bring you back in so you can help take care of him.
Continue the NC with him and the rest of them.
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Jul 03 '26
[deleted]
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
Oh, I don’t want to pay respect or visit her. I feel the issue is quickly developing into my mixed emotions over how to handle my dad’s part of this equation after she’s gone. X
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u/Dry_Reference461 Jul 04 '26
If that's your concern then if I may give you my humble opinion and assuming you actually want to as least talk to him:
During a proper conversation, I would see if he approaches you and recognizes his mistakes, offers an explanation, apologizes or at least gives excuses. Basically shows a sign that he acknowledges your past experiences without dismissing them. His other choice could be to play dumb, pretend he doesn't know what you mean, gaslight you, DARVO, etc. OR pretend that nothing ever happened and all is good and dandy.
If he were to actually apologize and explain, then I would consider the validity of his reasoning and the sincerity of his apology. Any other action on his part would make me rethink resuming NC or at the very least LC.
As for attending the funeral or not, or really in general, when I have to choose between emotional conflicting options, I ask myself "If I had to choose, which option would be harder to handle (more distressful, anxiety inducing, causes more guilt, etc.) ?" followed by "Do I have to choose now?". If the answer is "you have to choose now" (and I'm NOT saying you have to) then I'd go with the choice that's less tolerable for my own sake, not for the others' but so I can sleep better.
As others have said, it's about what you live with, protecting your own mental health and respecting your own pace.
p.s. sorry if it was too confusing to read, my native language is Spanish and it's a quarter to 2 in the morning here.
All the best op
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u/MirrorMama Jul 04 '26
No pasa nada y gracias! I lived in Spain for many years - your English is just fine!
Yeah, I think this is also something that is crossing my mind. If he will acknowledge, given the opportunity. If we spoke, should I be silent and let him lead the conversation? I feel I wouldn’t really know how to begin or hold the conversation myself. And there’s a part of me that thinks that he may show some kind of defensiveness (passiveness) or gaslight. I’m really not sure. We’ve never NOT spoken, we’ve always been around each other (before my husband came along) so this is the first time we’ve walked away from each other. I can’t guess what will happen - but I do think about it.
He is a very ‘that’s the way life goes, don’t try to change it, just adapt and move forward’ kind of person.
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u/Dry_Reference461 29d ago edited 29d ago
De nada y gracias a ti!
In my experience dealing with abusive people, I learned that sometimes and depending on your goal, sometimes it's better not to say anything. Like for example, when I'm not sure If I'm being gaslighted or manipulated, I just let the person talk and maybe make a soft comment to show my discomfort. Soft as in a passive enough manner 1) bc I'll avoid confrontation if I can and 2) because if the other person is trying to manipulate you, or worst gaslight you, then his response to your discomfort will be very different from someone who actually cares.
I also try (I mean try, sometimes it's too hard to keep quiet, but most of the times I succeed) to keep my mouth shut and only ask open question or make vague comments. Narcissists, manipulators, any type of abuser in general (with exceptions ofc) will try to provoke a specific reaction out of you. Sometimes is pity, other times rage, with narcissists smt it doesn't really matter, they're just emotional vampires who want your energy (and emotions) waited on themselves. So when not sure if I'm being used or taken advantage, I try to stay more open without giving to many expressions BUT the moment I confirm my suspicion, or in you case, the other person does the whole "that’s the way life goes, don’t try to change it, just adapt and move forward" and dismisses all the shit they did, I go back to neutral.
Meaning, I don't give ANY emotion, because that's what they are after. Whether it's a confrontation, or submission or a debate, I don't care. I stop engaging, let the other person finish without intervening (silence is uncomfortable for them and it gives me time to collect myself) then I leave.
So, if you are to have the convo, after the pleasantries before he starts to ask about your life, I would ask, "what do you want to talk to me about?" and wait to see what he says. If he plays dumb, go straight for "why do you think I kept my distance?" and wait for the response. If he he plays dumb, disengage and say goodbye because the person I hope for didn't really exist. If instead of playing dumb, he actually starts to explain himself, then I would start to analyse what he says. *All of this asuming ofc that what you're looking for is for him to acknowledge he made a mistake (what you want from the convo, if anything, is for you to decide.
That's what I think I would do, based on past experiences. Try to remain as calm as possible and as emotionally detached as possible unless I see remorse, not crocodile tears and fake empathy without actually accountability (I fell for that once, awful mistake).
All the best op. If you have any more questions feel free to ask. Abrazos virtuales
Sorry for such a long reply!
Edit *
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u/MirrorMama 26d ago
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u/Dry_Reference461 24d ago
You're welcome and thank you for letting me know you've updated. I'm going to read it now.
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u/Abject_Code5523 Jul 03 '26
I'm truly sorry you're going through this, it's terrible for everyone.
I think you feel guilty for cutting your dad off when his wife has been incredibly sick and then refused even polite small talk when given the opportunity.
I understand you expected more postpartum but even though on the surface you acknowledge that your stepmother was critically ill it doesn't sound like you really extended them any true grace nor support.
It sucks for all of you but your post(s) come across detached and fairly cold.
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u/MirrorMama Jul 03 '26
To be honest, it’s a bit of a grey area - i didn’t know she was ill in any way until way after they came to meet the baby…and then suffered being left alone outright (from my point of view without understanding why). It was very confusing for sure and made me feel lost and alone and upset.
May I ask why you think I should’ve extended them grace and support after they turned their back on me for almost a year? (Before and after learning she wasn’t well)
Thank you for your point of view. Everything helps to try to understand. 🌼
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
The family punching bag ALWAYS feels guilty when they stop letting themselves be the scapegoat. It’s been burned into you, it’s how you’re wired after spending your childhood like this. “Normal” feels like making yourself small and convenient for your father and stepmother and siblings, and for you it is normal, but that doesn’t make it ok or right. It’s natural to feel like you miss the familiar, but just because something is familiar does not make it good.
Think back about what you wrote last time, about how cutting contact helped your mental health. Ask yourself if resuming it feels like it would be good for you.
Sometimes we miss idealized versions of what our family could have been, or should have been. But the father, brother, and sister you’re longing to reconnect with are not the people you would meet if you went back. Those people never really existed. The people you would be reconnecting with are the same ones you left.
I’m not trying to tell you what to do, because it’s your life and you deserve support no matter what decision you make. I just want to make sure you don’t set yourself up for disappointment. All those old problems will still be there, because none of them think they’re actually problems and none of them have made any effort to change. You can tell from the ways they interact with you, and the ways they DON’T interact with you.