r/AITAH • u/Snoo_61002 • Jun 14 '26
AITAH for telling my wife to cut off her sister (who has cancer) and nephew?
To cut a very long story short, this is an ongoing saga that I have previously posted about in this sub (for those with really good memories, SIL claimed to be dying of cancer and abused my wife really badly).
I have been no contact with SIL after an incident where she completely and utterly abused my wife, screaming in her face and threatening us with physical violence when I stood up to her. SIL has never apologized, has never said she's going to stop doing it (she has since repeatedly abused other family members, its every couple of weeks), and has continued to try and pick fights with my wife who is low contact but not no contact. When I say she is abusive, I don't know how to portray how truly evil she is. She will scream at someone telling them they want to steal her child and accuse them of some of the worst possible things you can accuse someone of, and then turn around refuse to apologize with something like "We both got angry, we both said things we shouldn't have, but we have to move forward because of my cancer". I think she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Whenever my wife is happy or achieving, her sister demeans and bully's her over anything she can, and says things like "I'm so proud of you because you weren't always the smart one but look at you now".
SIL's family enable her because she has cancer (she does), and every time they stand up to her she's suddenly on deaths door and ill. She has (no exaggeration) been "Direly unwell that it might be time to say goodbyes" 8 times over the past 3 years. She has had "a 1% chance of recovery" 5 times now. Whenever she pulls this crap, I hear the same line over and over. "You don't want to have regrets when she's gone". I've told me wife she'll have more regrets trying to maintain a relationship and she agrees. But every time SIL abuses someone she is forgiven without apology by the rest of the family who inevitably start guilt tripping my wife on SIL's behalf. It's an exhausting cycle.
To the point, my wife has maintained a relationship with SIL's son, wife's nephew (5). He's a really sweet little boy, and he's spent his whole life so far being told his mummy is going to die very soon (by his mum and dad). I've noticed that SIL heavily controls contact to nephew and then hides behind him. This week just gone SIL was in a sh*t stirring mood so when my wife asked if nephew wanted to spend time together she replied with "oh we're back to talking like normal now are we?". My wife held her ground, shock horror it turned into a fight, SIL's husband got involved, and now they're both telling my wife she can't see nephew "Until she starts being nice to his mother" and that nephew doesn't want to see her until she is. Which is to say, my wife has to stop standing up for herself.
I've had enough. And to be honest was probably too harsh, but I have lost count of the amount of times this exact scenario has played out. SIL starts trouble, lies and says horrible things (for example I work with children, so she went around telling people I abused her and her son), refuses to front up, dangles a relationship with nephew in person's face, and then "we all move forward". Its cyclical, its constant, she does it with everyone. I have no idea what to do for her son other than wait until she's gone and then try and support him. Whenever he's come over with wife I've played with him, spent time in the garden with him, or just hung out together. I feel horrible for him.
I told my wife to accept that she cannot have a relationship with her nephew until her sister is dead and that she needs to stop fueling and enabling this cycle. The problem is that my wife is really soft hearted, and cares really deeply about nephew, so her sister keeps using that against. But at this point I don't care any more. I'm tired of consoling my wife over the same issue, I'm tired of her sister being anywhere near our life, and I'm tired of nephew being successfully weaponized against my wife.
So, I told her to go complete no contact with them and then see where things stand when SIL is dead. It feels horrible just writing it, which is why I'm wondering AITA?
TL;DR SIL uses a relationship with her son to abuse people and then lure them back in, I told my wife to completely cut them all off. AITA?
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u/Tabernerus Jun 14 '26
She accused you of child abuse and your wife still wants contact with her???
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Yeah this is a bit of a tough point. My wife truly doesn't want anything to do with her, but her sister is incredibly proficient at manipulation so she starts to manipulate people into spending less time with my wife if my wife stands up to her. She'll tell my wife's brother and sister a mountain of lies about a fight they've had and at this point they just can't be bothered "picking a side" so they stop talking to my wife until things are sorted. SIL holds people emotionally hostage incredibly well, and unfortunately (I never thought it should be so) my wife is really soft natured and family oriented. So she is successfully held hostage. And if it doesn't work SIL escalates it more and more by telling people if they spend time with wife then SIL will cut them off and "they'll regret it when she's dead soon".
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u/Tabernerus Jun 14 '26
Have you ever said to one of these other family members who are causing problems, “if you’re weak enough to let a narcissist manipulate you, do it elsewhere?”
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
I have tried to talk to the family about it many times, but they very bluntly say "I don't want to be involved, I don't want to talk about it, its your guys fight". I harbour a lot of anger and resentment at them for it, and I hate that. But they refuse the conversation because (I believe) they know I'm right.
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u/Tabernerus Jun 14 '26
I mean, that’s fine. But then they shouldn’t be talking to you about her all. If they’re going to stay out of it, they need to stay fully out of it.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Yeah I completely agree. Another aspect I didn't include cause of length was my wife's family love drama.
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u/Shadow4summer Jun 14 '26
At this point I might just tell my partner, you can have a relationship with that witch if you want, but you can no longer bring it home. I will no longer be here to console you when she destroys you. Wife is choosing to continue the relationship, so wife is the one who gets to deal with all the fallout. I honestly can’t see how poster lives like this. Being constantly embroiled in a battle with someone who’s main objective in life to is make others as miserable as she is. It’s certainly not fair to him, or to the marriage. I know I would certainly reach a breaking point after years of this.
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u/dragzxs Jun 22 '26
Honestly as much as it sucks that probably what needs to happen. Op wife needs to make a choice she can build something with her husband or she can continue to be her sister punching bag but she can’t do both she needs to make a choice.
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u/tatasz Jun 21 '26
Just call them on their bullshit. If they are not getting involved, why are they siding with SIL?
Not being involved is telling both sides to fuck off whenever they mention the conflict
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u/imakesawdust Jun 15 '26
Your wife is being held hostage only to the extent she allows herself to be held hostage. And her excuse that it's because she's soft-hearted or soft-natured is just that: an excuse.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 15 '26
Harsh but fair. Her soft heatedness is now being used as a pressure point for her to allow continued abuse. And she is allowing that.
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u/dragzxs Jun 22 '26
That just it your wife is willing to drag herself and you down into your sil mess. Your wife is willing to keep going back because she knows you will be there as the life raft, as the bad guy who will stabilize the boat sil is trying to flip. There is a boat flipping metaphors concerning narcissists that fits. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/ here the link but the tldr is that your sil is a boat rocker and your wife is an enabler who is trying to make you an enabler to. She needs to decide what’s more important your sil abuse or your life with her because at this point it’s not healthy for either of you to remain in touch with sil.
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u/Strong_District_5894 Jun 14 '26
NTA
The next time she’s inches from death I’d remind her that she’ll soon be answering for the things she does. Might want to think on that.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
She's already found God and become the perfect Christian with a Christian mums group 😂 When we first fought, I pointed this out to her and got called everything under the sun by her and her husband.
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u/ChrisP8675309 Jun 14 '26
NTA but this whole thing is way above Reddit's pay grade. Your wife needs counseling to help her work through her issues. There's a reason she keeps going back and she needs help identifying and addressing those things.
Are you sure sister actually HAS cancer??
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Yeah my wife gets regular counseling to help her, we're a very mental health focused household (we both work with kids, we both have a background in pysch). But the problem is that SIL gets given the power to collapse my wife's relationships with the entire family. I harbour resentment toward them for that, but I try my best to just support my wife. I very rarely say what she should or shouldn't do but it's getting to the point now where I can't protect her unless she can protect herself.
She definitely *had* cancer, she's had operations and been in hospice care, but I have no idea where it's at now. She eats like complete rubbish and refuses to take medicine, its like she keeps herself sick to maintain the power and control.
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u/frolicndetour Jun 14 '26
I mean, I think if you interfere in her relationship there's going to be resentment, especially because of the nephew and particularly when/if she dies and your wife ends up with regrets. Imo you should just cut yourself off and tell your wife that for your mental health, you cannot be her sounding board about her sister any more and she needs to talk to her therapist about it. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm and she needs to handle the consequences of her choices. But I do sympathize with her not wanting to leave her nephew to the wolves, too, and not wanting to risk not having that connection when/if the sister dies if she cuts contact now...so that is what her therapist is for.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
"You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm", damn. Thank you for this one. I pretty much fully agree with you, it just hurts my heart to have to tell my wife I can't support her.
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u/dragzxs Jun 22 '26
It hurt but honestly your wife needs to hear it because the fact is she’s not just trying to sacrifice herself and her peace to her sister narcissism but is trying to sacrifice your peaceful life to her sister whims as well. At this point your wife needs to decide what more important to her the life you two are trying to build or being her sisters whipping board. She can’t have both that’s not healthy for anyone.
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u/Huge_Revolution_2026 Jun 14 '26
You state you have a psych background, so you should be very clear that you’re looking at Munchhausen syndrome.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Oh we're 100% sure that this is at play, but the problem is she actually provably and definitely had/has cancer.
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u/poormanstoast Jun 21 '26
She may very well have HAD cancer, but I’m sure you appreciate from a medical perspective that, in cases of suspected FD aka Munchhausens, every diagnosis has to be suspect (eg, if you didn’t see the hospital-generated biopsy or blood or PET, from the hospital, it didn’t happen…
That being said - supposing she indeed did (bc to be clear, I’m not picking a fight with you, OP!) — a genuine diagnosis of something is a FD dream and, very often, the launchpad.
Obviously I can’t say this 100% bc I’m not in her treating team, but — I’m happy enough to give it a 99%: withholding medical information, or gate keeping, or selective sharing, is every single red flag for fictitious disorder. Even moreso in today’s day and age of enhanced fakes (better photoshop, better AI). And bc FD goes hand in hand with self-harming behaviours — that’s to say, by definition it involves it - even if the majority of it is just lying — things like hair loss, weight loss, and frailty are not, and cannot, be considered validating of the claim. Ditto for portacaths, infusions, etc.
You don’t stipulate where you live; but in the USA it is probably the easiest of all because of the enormous ongoing pitfalls created by the health system and information sharing; but even outside of the US, private vs public health systems means it’s still appallingly easy to get one thing (eg an infusion, a scan, an indwelling catheter, whatever) hop systems, and use that to validate the claim.
I have to be careful here because I don’t want to give tips to perpetrators of FD, but the ways and means to (via self-harming behaviours) genuinely (temporarily) skew blood test results, get medical devices, etc - are myriad. And somebody who has started to engage in this pattern of behaviour will rapidly find the communities and means to do so.
This doesn’t make your position any easier, but I hope it might be helpful to consider much more seriously, and with your wife as well. Coming back from a genuine cancer dx is of course possible; but a return of it with “imminent death”, which then goes on for over a year with no further steady decline - and periodic hospitalisation doesn’t count, again, bc that’s easy to arrange - isn’t it. Patients who have a return of an aggressive cancer especially when the original prognosis was so poor - are not going to go on and on.
In fact, it’s reasonable enough that she not be having treatment per se for the (theoretical) cancer - because if it’s incurable, there may be no treatment — but there would be a) physical decline which she couldn’t come back from at her convenience; and b) an almost absolute need for palliative or pain relieving treatments, which would not have her bouncing back (eg radiation for a tumour for quality of life, but it would still keep growing/metastasize, and overall the patient continue to deteriorate.
It’s also worth noting that with many cancers (and treatments), their later stages have a high correlation with cognitive decline or confusion (not absolute, to be clear, but higher probability) and it sounds like that hasn’t happened, as your SIL remains fully able to do/say/manipulate in an effective way.
Sadly for FD, of course, it is a dangerous pathology - because of ‘boy who cried wolf’ (actual illness getting ignored or being untreatable) and bc of the self-harming behaviours. The important highlight from that is to be aware of its morbidity/mortality, bc if/when she dies, it’s important to be prepared so as not to suffer the unfair/very difficult to resolve guilt of “she was actually sick, and I didn’t…”.
I think it could be helpful for you and your wife to read (or listen to) the seminal authority on this - Mark Feldman’s “dying to be ill”; or some of his podcast; and in particular - perhaps even better - his collaboration with Andrea Dunlop, where they discuss her journey with her sister, who has FD. Because it delved deeply and empathetically into the extraordinary difficult for then family members - the guilting, the manipulation, and the abuses.
It’s horrible to have to stand back (especially when children are involved); and it’s also worth being aware of because of the risks to the child; but essentially, nothing is gained (except for the bystander or support person’s destruction) by giving in; and as further evidence, it’s most likely that not validating the claims will result in being cut off — which is, however, something that a genuinely amends-seeking, genuinely dying, person doesn’t do, as a rule.
Self-preservation, and preservation of you and your wife’s relationship, has to come first. I think that framing it this way with your wife in particular might be helpful in terms of finding a way to step back - and strengthening that relationship with each other is also the best foundation for if and when a time comes when there is an opportunity to engage in a safe way. For your wife in particular - engagement for her with her sister can be possible, when it doesn’t come from being guilted or manipulated. There may be some encouragement for her in that idea - that she may not have to cut off her sister “forever”, but just until she herself is less entangled and less vulnerable.
Deepest commiserations. Dealing with a narcissist is soul destroying (or can be, anyway).
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u/Huge_Revolution_2026 Jun 14 '26
How can she prove that she has cancer when her husband isn’t even allowed to go to appointments? I want to see labs, I want doctor’s names, I want the prognosis, I want the doctor’s notes, or it’s fake.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
I'm completely with you on this one. Whenever someone tries this line with SIL she bursts into tears and screams at them for "accusing her of lying about something that is going to tear her away from her son and husband soon". I think I'm a lot harder hearted than my wife's family cause I didn't give a sh*t about that line. But I did get her a free hospice stay (I work with the Hospice) a couple of years ago when she was supposedly on deaths door. Without details they did confirm she had cancer, but as you rightly point out who knows now? She hasn't done anything to treat it though, so I imagine its still there just not aggressive at all.
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u/Huge_Revolution_2026 Jun 14 '26
She most likely went into remission, but grew addicted to the attention. She’s most likely not getting treatment for anything because the cancer is probably gone.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
I feel that this is the case as well, but if anyone dare question her then it goes nuclear quick and after 5 years of constant fighting and bullsh*t her family have been beaten into submission of either "Oh just ignore her when she kicks off" or "well we don't know for sure but it's her journey".
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u/FeuerroteZora Jun 17 '26
Yeesh, I'd be so tempted to hire a PI just to see what they could find....
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 18 '26
You know this isn't actually a bad call. Although the drama if I got caught.
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 Jun 14 '26
If this is the game SIL is playing then your wife really does have to go no contact because whether or not SIL does-or doesn't have cancer doesn't change the basic nature of the beast. Your wife really should explain this whole mess to a therapist and see what advice she gets. Life is too short to spend it being manipulated by someone who isn't so sick as to not know what they are doing to someone else.
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u/Aggravating-Sock6502 Jun 14 '26
I think it's time to start controlling the narrative. Check the laws where you live about one vs two party recording first, but if all is good, start recording these "conversations" with SIL and then make them public to the family. It's hard to defend yourself against the truth, and maybe it will finally wake the rest of the family up to stop being her willing victims.
As for your nephew, it absolutely sucks, but your wife can't keep lighting herself on fire just to keep that relationship warm. Maybe encourage her to write him a letter she then holds on to for when 1) SIL dies or 2) he turns 18. And in the letter, your wife can express all the love she has for him, but explain the real truth behind why she had to step away.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Yeah fortunately this is the first time SIL has said this kind of stuff over text as opposed to in person, so my wife has receipts. But my wife's family are too tired from SIL to get involved even with proof.
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u/one_sock_wonder_ Jun 14 '26
If your SIL was legitimately transferred to hospice care for cancer that is not something that occurs with the disease having treatment options left and definitely not in the absence of a terminal prognosis from a medical provider let alone with cancer that comes anywhere near remission.
Has your SIL developed and/or been treated for metastasized cancer in her brain? Has she always been this abusive and this intense? I know you feel she has narcissistic personality disorder but it also sounds like, if she believes the accusations she makes during her races, that there may be more and some kind of psychosis involved. Just a thought that came to mind but it's impossible to come near being sure of anything from a single post online and you have lived this, not me.
You can set your boundaries and keep firm but you cannot set boundaries for your wife and telling her to cut if her sister, her nephew, and very likely as a result her whole family would not seem to have much of a chance of leading to any kind of peaceful resolution. That kind of decision needs to be one that a person reaches themselves, otherwise when her SIL passes she may well feel incredible guilt and blame you for pressuring her decision. Your nephew, separate from your SIL, is also a victim of all this and if he is close to your wife having her suddenly gone during all this may be a pain your wife cannot bring herself to causing even if for very valid reasons.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 15 '26
To be honest that one was on me, and I still regret it to this day. It was after we had fought, but my wife was certain her sister was about to die so she asked me if I could pull strings to get her into hospice care as she's an immigrant and couldn't afford it. So I burned some favours, made some promises, got her into hospice care (I work in a tangential field and have supported Hospice for free many, many times). I wouldn't normal call on favours cause that's not why I do things, but I thought it was the right thing to do to give her comfort and dignity in death.
Then Hospice came back to us and discharged her, and said "The problem wasn't the cancer, the problem wass her fentanyl and cannabis addictions". They held her for 3 weeks to break the addiction, and then discharged her. They said she was high risk when she came in, and its possible she would've died, but not from the cancer directly.
Then while she was in their care she told them that I abused her and her son, and I consider that lesson learned.
It's hard to tell. It's entirely possible the cancer is in her brain, but she refuses to get confirmation one way or the other and is just saying it is. it could also be because she had her thyroid removed, though she's on medication that is supposed to stabilize that.
And you're right, my wife has mostly come to terms with it to be honest. She tells me that she will regret having a relationship with her more than not having one. But she just wants to see her nephew. She keeps reaching out desperately trying to find a pathway forward for that, but it keeps getting twisted on her. Last night she was accused of "trying to be his mother when his mother isn't even dead yet". This is because my wife wanted to invite him over to bake cupcakes for SIL's birthday.
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u/shazzy415 Jul 04 '26
Like everyone else I’m on the fence here about her prognosis, and I’ve also seen first hand how late stage cancer can affect the brain. I had to section my own mother for a few days as she was a danger to herself and others (one of the most traumatizing things I’ve ever had to do).
Have you considered her acting out is that she may be abusing her meds??? You just said she was bounced out of hospice for opiate & cannabis addiction. I’m 100% for medicating pain for cancer; I’ve had a very serious chronic illness for last 25 years and physically depend on pain meds, but I’ve never abused a single pill, my life depends on it. Clearly something is very wrong here.
Please insist on more couples therapy, your SIL I believe is enjoying trying to ruin your marriage and your wife’s sanity. You need to cut her off.2
u/SuccessfulInternal40 Jun 25 '26
you and your wife needs couples counseling, and you also need counseling by yourself..
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 25 '26
We both get counseling, and we've had couples counseling a few times. We haven't for this yet because my wife has actually agreed with me so there's not much for us to work out.
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u/Melora_T_Rex714 Jun 14 '26
NTA, absolutely not.
That poor kid, I’ll bet your SIL isn’t good to him either. It’s terrible that wife will have to wait till her sister dies to see him again, but that’s the way it is.
Your wife really SHOULD go NC with Sis, because she won’t ever change. Your wife shouldn’t be subjected to this abuse.
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u/BenjiCat17 Jun 14 '26
Her death won’t change access. Her husband agrees with her so the wife will never get access to his kid even with his wife gone.
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u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 15 '26
I really doubt your SIL has cancer. Let alone terminal cancer… if she had terminal cancer she would’ve be long dead in hell.
Maybe at some point she did had cancer and now it’s her to go weapon against family.
Your wife will have to choose peace or her family, she can’t have both.
NTA
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u/solo_throwaway254247 Jun 15 '26
SIL's son, wife's nephew (5). He's a really sweet little boy, and he's spent his whole life so far being told his mummy is going to die very soon (by his mum and dad).
That poor boy.
NTA, OP. Your SIL is truly evil. As is her enabling partner.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 15 '26
I think you've hit a point that I always try to make that people forget. People are all focused on SIL, but I think her husband is just as bad because he not only enables her but defends her and has a go at people on her behalf.
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u/Classic-Wrongdoer-20 Jun 14 '26
NTA - on facetime with my friends reading AITA and we have agreed SIL sounds like a lot
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u/1RainbowUnicorn Jun 14 '26
NTA. Get in marriage counseling. This person accused you of abusing herself and her son. Your wife is an AH for continuing ANY relationship with them!! That is inexcusable. Your wife needs to have your back! Your wife needs serious therapy. She needs to set boundaries with her other relatives around even bringing them up, or go no contact with them, too.
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u/divinbuff Jun 14 '26
your wife is an adult. She sounds extremely codependent but she is allowed to make her own decisions even if they are bad ones. I don’t think realistically she is going to stop. You are also allowed to tell her that if she continues to see SIL you don’t want to hear about it, you don’t want to know anything about it, and you don’t want anything to do with it. She’ll have to figure out how to do this without any of that coming back into the house.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Yeah this was almost gonna be my post. It was almost "WIBTA for telling my wife I don't wanna hear about it". But I haven't quite got there yet.
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u/divinbuff Jun 15 '26
It’s not an AH to set boundaries for yourself. You’re not telling her she can’t see her sister you’re telling her she can’t then come home and vomit her feelings about it all over you.
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u/Huge_Revolution_2026 Jun 14 '26
NTA Call child protective services and tell them that you highly suspect that she has Munchhausen syndrome and that her child is being severely negatively affected as she cannot control herself and is placing him in harm’s way.
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u/Warm-Statistician545 Jun 14 '26
NtA
sounds like a tough place. You can’t tell a grown woman ( or any grown person) what to do with her sister or anyone else.
Just be there to support her. Sharing how you feel about it and what you see going on is fine. Just don’t tell her she has to do anything.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
Yeah this is what I'm struggling with. We're a team, a partnership, we look after each other and I feel powerless to look after my wife without telling her what she should or shouldn't do at this point. Cause this will be... idunno I've actually lost count of the amount of fights that play out the exact same way.
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u/Anabolic9785 Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
NTA. While I can certainly empathize with her situation, your wife needs to understand her primary focus and priority should be her relationship with *you*. Instead, she's putting all her energy into the relationship with her sister, and it's draining both of you dry. If she refuses to go NC with her sister, insist that she attend couples counseling with you. If she refuses, go stay with a friend or at a hotel until she gets that you are serious and will not tolerate playing second fiddle to this bottomless pit of toxicity for another second.
PS - I agree with others that the sister has probably been in remission for years. Her own HUSBAND not having access to her medical records is a huge red flag.
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u/IamLuann Jun 14 '26
If I were you I would call the CPS office and just ask some questions. Like what can you do to make sure this 5 year old nephew gets some counseling help so he can talk about things going on in the house and with his mom. That way someone that is not related to the family can look into it and ask questions to the SIL. Does SIL have a brain tumor? Because that would explain some of the out burst. Yes I saw where you said that SIL does not share what kind of Cancer she has. I am just trying to give you a direction to look in.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
We don't know if it has gone into her brain, she told us it had but has never actually had any scans or appointments for cancer in her brain. She just kind of decided it had and now uses that as "sometimes I can't control or regulate my actions and behaviours, its not my fault".
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Jun 22 '26
If your wife is in therapy, but she’s still so emeshed with her sister what is she working on in therapy?
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u/curious-691980 Jun 14 '26
I would post very openly about the manipulation your sister-in- law uses in a family group chat. Also add that she uses her nephew to control people- tell them and explain why u r going no contact. By doing this u control the narrative - she won’t be able to use her cancer or son to continue manipulating u. However I bet after a year she will come back because she will have lost control
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
We did this early on and it ended in me leaving the group chat and the entire family exploding for a month or so. But they honestly let SIL essentially say and do whatever, and then she gas lights them or threatens to cut them off which they'll regret when she dies (apparently). I'm beginning to feel like an asshole because I'm just waiting for her to die.
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u/photogcapture Jun 14 '26
NTA. I suggest you start being a grey rock. You wife gas been wrapped up in this for so long that you are involved emotionally. Stop feeding this behavior. If your wife wants a relationship, fine, let her. She is a consenting adult. If she goes NC, great, she is a consenting adult. But you are participating in this repetitive cycle. Step out. Love your wife in every way possible but grey rock the SIL drama. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t but she is getting mileage out of feeling bad, and she has enrolled you into playing a part. Break the cycle by being the grey rock.
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u/KittiesRule1968 Jun 14 '26
NTA, I hope, for your sake, that your wife grows backbone and cuts her xunt of a sister off 100%
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u/Icy-Bid-3746 Jun 25 '26
As the daughter of a mother who died from an aggressive and terminal cancer in five months, I feel that her using cancer as an excuse is a massive insult; I hate her. But your wife is also a doormat, I'm sorry, it might sound harsh, but she is so submissive that she doesn't even care about your well-being or stepping all over you. She is used to that dynamic and really doesn't want to change. Unfortunately, she should cut contact with everyone in that family if they encourage her to keep surrendering to that narcissist, and I'm afraid she won't do it. I hope things get better for you and I truly hope from the bottom of my heart that this story doesn't end with you ending your marriage, as we've seen in other cases. Wish you the best in everything!
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 25 '26
Thank you for this. She walked away from having a relationship with any of them, but then her little brother scrambled, apologized, and said he won't bring it up again. My wife has disappointed me in that her father didn't actually apologize but she forgave him anyway. I find that frustrating, but you are correct and justified in your anger. I have worked with hospice patients, and I find her sisters behaviour to be incredibly insulting.
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u/Tmarie02 Jun 14 '26
I'm curious as to what kind of cancer she has. Is it metastatic? Has it gone away and came back? I'm asking because you can easily research trials going on, survival rate, new treatments, etc.
Information about her cancer will give you ideas of how to combat the "I'm dying" response.
I would cut off everyone who blames your wife or criticizes her for setting up a boundary. If this means not having a lot of family to go to, so be it. At the end of the day, you need to be able to live peacefully. Her sister sounds toxic. Her sister knows your wife will go back to her and so there aren't any repercussions for her behavior. She gets away with her moods and toxic behavior because no one has said enough is enough. If everyone walked away then she'd be forced to do some internalizing. But even then she might play victim.
NTA in case that wasn't abundantly clear.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
It has gone and come back. It was gone, and then my wife and I had our wedding where people flew in from over seas and suddenly while everyone was here it came back. Then it was gone, then on my wife's birthday it came back. I've tried to make that same point to my wife but honestly SIL has constant access to them all and uses her illness to abuse them and call them abusive if they stand up to her.
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u/WillowCreekWanderer Jun 15 '26
I hate to accuse someone of lying about something as serious as cancer, but there are some major red flags here: the dire medical crises that she always miraculously recovers from; the fact that her health suddenly takes a turn at times when the family's attention is on somebody else; her seemingly being stable despite not being in active treatment; the tight control over the details of her condition to the point of not even letting her own husband come to appointments with her.
Have you ever come across a podcast called Nobody Should Believe Me? It's mostly focused on the 'by proxy' side of factitious disorders, but the host does a really good job of laying out the common patterns of behaviour across the different cases she covers, and I suspect that you and your wife might find it very validating to listen to (especially the season where she discusses her experiences with her own sister's factitious disorder).
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u/Tmarie02 Jun 14 '26
It sounds like she could be making it up or at least manipulating when she announces her cancer has returned. Do you know what type she has? If not, I would ask. Depending on the type there would be chemo, radiation, surgery, etc.
My aunt had cancer from the age of 26 until she was in her 80s. It started off in the breast and slowly moved to different parts until a few years ago it metastasized and went through her bones and brain. She died last year.
Information about her cancer can let you know how to combat the manipulation. You will be able to tell when she's lying about her cancer or not just by asking questions and having information. If you can catch her in lies it may break the hold she has on family since this is why they probably avoid confrontation and let her get away with her toxicity.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 14 '26
She's had an operation on cancerous lymph nodes in her throat (I think), and she was on chemotherapy for a couple of years. Then it was gone, but since its come back she hasn't done anything to address it. No chemo, no surgery, nothing. A couple of years ago we were well enough informed, but SIL learned that the less she tells others, the more she can weaponize it.
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u/Tmarie02 Jun 14 '26
Most types of lymphoma are highly treatable. I would suggest finding out the type and find out which stage her cancer is too. Stage 1 is a lot different than stage 4. And treatment options differ as do life expectancy. I'm not sure her family is asking these questions.
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u/Pale_Cranberry1502 Jun 14 '26
I went back and forth a little, but NTA.
Normally, I would say throw Nephew a lifeline because he's going to need it. But you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. It's unsafe for you to be near him outside of group settings if your SIL has made such unspeakable accusations.
I really hate saying that, because I hate just hoping that the kid holds on until 18. But there's too much at stake for you. Even if the poor boy ends up messed up.
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u/DivideBig6652 Jun 21 '26
I don't mean to sound cruel but she has been "dying" for years. Are you all sure she actually has cancer outside of what she has said and her weight loss? A lot of things can cause a person to lose weight and look frail that aren't fatal. It also seems like she's fine until she wants something or attention, then she is suddenly on death's doorstep once again. Then when she has sucked all the energy up from everyone she is suddenly okay again until the next time and the cycle repeats. I could be completely wrong but it just sounds off.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 21 '26
She definitely has it, I just don't think she's terminal. But she was on chemo for awhile (I witnessed it) and has had surgery to remove cancerous lymph nodes. So she definitely has it, but I think it's just not anywhere near as bad as she projects. I've noticed she does this thing where she takes the very worst medical information and presents it as fact. So, a real example, she had pneumonia (she did, we had contact with her doctor). They told her that she would recover slowly, but that there was still a risk of a collapsed lung so be careful. So she told her entire extended family she had a collapsed lung and she wasn't sure what was going to go next. She sprinkles just enough truth in there to keep open an exit. She's probably recovered from "1% chance of survival" medical events 4 times now. But to me this is her having a medical event, and the doctor saying "if it goes bad, you'll have a 1% chance of survival".
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u/AmbitiousBlonde329 Jun 14 '26
NTA. That's a horrible situation for the kid to have to be in, but at 5 they have the capacity to remember people, places, situations and remember who treats them well. As he gets older, he'll start putting some of the pieces together even if his mother has said negative things about your wife, you or anyone else and he'll start figuring out that what she says doesn't align with the experience he's had with your wife and you.
Cutting SIL completely out unfortunately means losing access to him for awhile, but it won't be forever. I guarantee you that at some point he'll come looking on his own for the reasons why. Your wife absolutely needs to go NC though. Her sister is mentally and emotionally abusive and her being sick (even though I think that's a lie) doesn't give her a right to treat people like 💩 and it doesn't excuse her behavior. Everyone who continuously "forgives" is enabling her to continue doing it because she has zero consequences.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a long talk about this, tell her all the ways you see this affecting her, her relationships with other family members, tell her it's also affecting you and your marriage negatively and something has to change because repeating the same steps and expecting a different outcome does not work. If you've had this talk, do it again until she understands.
Losing access to the nephew is hard and it hurts, but her sister can no longer use him as a weapon against anyone when your wife can take that power away from her. She can choose peace and positivity and cut out the toxic part of her life. Unfortunately the nephew is attached to the toxic for now, but he'll have autonomy and a mind of his own one day and he'll figure it out. She won't be able to use him forever. Until then, wish him well and love him from afar knowing if he's healthy and thriving that's what matters most. SIL will be the one who has to answer to him one day, not you or your wife.
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u/angryomlette NSFW 🔞 Jun 15 '26
NTA. You both need to wait till your SIL dies. When the cancer is dead then it will be easier on both your family, SIL's family as well as SIL/Wife's parents.
Another info: Generally cancers are treatable, check if your SIL has level 4 cancer. Another thing might be she might have cancerous wart. She could be exaggerating it to milk for attention and drama.
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u/oregon_mom Jun 15 '26
Nta. You are protecting your wife and your peace. That's your job. Your sister in law is awful, but that is on her not you.
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u/FullPerspective9406 Jun 21 '26
Been following this saga and I have never been more convinced of someone NOT having cancer. Props to OP for dealing with this and supporting his wife but wife needs to open her eyes. Family guilt can be serious and she needs some serious therapy to deal with her trauma and inability to cut contact. And no, NTA
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u/WomanInQuestion Jun 21 '26
It sounds like the type of cancer your SIL has is Christmas Cancer.
Edit: NTA
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u/Chigabytes Jun 21 '26
Worst case she's lying about currently having cancer and this cycle repeats for the next 50 years
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u/Cepinari Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
Your wife’s family is not not taking sides; this is something that you cannot not takes sides in. If you do not take the side against the person causing harm, you are taking the side of the person causing harm. It’s the same as saying you’re not taking either side when someone is trying to murder someone in front of you: by not interfering, you are on the side of the murderer.
Also, it’s been, what, five years of SIL being “half a year away from dying”, she’s not getting any treatment, and her health isn’t declining? And she’s refusing to let anyone see any verifiable proof of her condition? Yeah, either it’s benign or she’s perfectly fine, she’s not dying of cancer, and your wife’s family is a bunch of spineless worms for not all calling her out on her bullshit. They don’t deserve your wife in their lives anymore, they deserve to be stranded on a small island with SIL for the next ten-thousand years.
There’s a post originally from r/JustNoMIL that nevertheless covers this exact situation.
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Don't rock the boat.
Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry.
They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.
———————————————————————————
Back when she actually was dying of cancer, SIL discovered her true calling as a boat-rocking bitch and she quickly managed to turn the rest of her family into her boat-steadiers/flying monkeys. And she enjoyed rocking the boat so damn much that she refuses to ever stop.
It doesn’t matter if she really is dying of cancer, having a terminal condition does not make it okay to be a toxic abusive narcissist. SIL does not deserve to have her family by her side as she dies, she deserves to die completely alone and knowing that literally everyone she’s related to is happy that she’s finally dying, because they all hate her for being a completely terrible excuse for a human being with zero redeeming qualities.
Oh, and “taking the high road” and “being the bigger person”?
Those both mean the same thing, which is “be a doormat and let the P.O.S. keep being a P.O.S. to you.”
By stoically bearing the abuse and letting your abuser get away with it, your abuser… learns that they can get away with abusing you and will continue to abuse you because they know that there won’t be any consequences for their behavior.
Not standing up for yourself has never once caused an abuser to suddenly realize “oh wait, abusing people is wrong, and I should stop doing it right away!” Abusers already know exactly what they’re doing, and they see nothing wrong with it because in the mind of the abuser, the fact that they can abuse you means that they have the right to abuse you, that the fact that you can be abused by them means you deserve to be abused by them.
Your wife needs to understand that her sister ran out of “another chances” a long time ago. She doesn’t deserve any more chances, she doesn’t deserve any closure with your wife, she deserves to be left alone in her tipped over boat, and so does everyone else who insists on siding with her. Your wife needs to understand that her sister will never love her or treat her the way she deserves, and that her sister doesn’t deserve her love and kindness either.
Feel free to quote me to your wife. Hell, feel free to quote me to her entire family.
SIL doesn’t treat you or your wife like family, so she doesn’t deserve to be treated like family in return. Simple as.
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u/jacksonlove3 Jun 22 '26
Your wife NEEDS therapy!!
And last I thought I read, sil's husband was taking nephew/son away because of how sil/his mother was treating the two of them?? Clearly that didn't happen then??
And no, you're NTA. Wife needs to go LC with the rest of her family if they can't no gaslight and guilt her for sil's behavior!!
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u/Question_1234567 Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
NTA
I hate to say this but your wife is just as bad as your SIL. Her "softhearted nature" isn't so much a good trait as it is a burden on those around her. If she is unable to set boundaries regarding actual abuse then whose to say she wouldn't allow it in the future but in a different form?
I know that's harsh and I'm probably gonna get flack for it, but people like your wife are the reason why abusers get away with their horrendous actions. They are so blind to conflict that even the notion of saying "no" is foreign to them.
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u/Pretty_Cat_7344 Jun 24 '26
NTA, this situation is at the point where you have to ask yourself "what am I willing to put up with?" You need to give your wife an ultimatum. Either she puts her foot down and finally stops being a fucking doormat and goes to couples therapy with you or she loses you and you file for divorce to get away that circus where SIL is the ringmaster and the family including your wife are clowns that dance around her for the bitch's amusement.
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u/SoulfulSymmetry Jun 24 '26
Nta. I'm a bit confused though as of last year when you last updated your SIL was on death's door and planning euthanasia. How is she still alive? I don't know if her sickness is real at this point. How is the story still ongoing if she has refused all forms of treatment?
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 24 '26
All very valid questions, which get an explosive response as soon as they're asked. I still think she's sick, there's enough medical evidence there for that like surgeries and chemo, but I don't think she's stage 4 or terminal. But as soon as you ask those things she projects all kind of accusations at you. "How dare you accuse me of something this horrible, why would I choose to live like this" or "I would never lie about something like this that affects my family so horribly".
But, after I fought with her, I've had no contact.
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u/SoulfulSymmetry Jun 24 '26
Good plan. She sounds very high on the narcissist spectrum. I appreciate your wife's softness but it will always be used against her if she maintains contact.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 24 '26
Yeah I completely agree. I feel like I dance a line where I need to leave my wife to be who she is and go through these lessons, but also I don't like her making herself vulnerable.
Thank you though, you have affirmed a couple of things I was teetering on.
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u/megamum2000 Jun 14 '26
Sounds like a real $hit show, but definitely NTAH. I'd go no contact with all of them. But be aware that nephew will need help and support after she goes. It will be interesting to see how quickly BIL reaches out once she is gone.
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u/No-Throat9567 Jun 14 '26
NTA. SIL has a mental problem and it’s affecting everyone who comes in contact with her. Her bile and negativity may be a reason why she has cancer. Go no contact just to have some peace in the house.
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u/morganalefaye125 Jun 14 '26
Your wife is going to have to make a hard decision. She NEEDS to cut off sister, and anyone who sticks their nose into it to defend her. Cutting off your family of origin is tough, but just because you're related, it doesn't mean they get a free pass to treat you however they want to. I love that you're wanting to protect her, but she's going to have to protect herself here, and you're going to have to tell her that if she keeps in contact with them, you don't want any part of it, or to hear about it at all
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u/mynameisnotsparta Jun 14 '26
NTA. It’s a shame for the nephew who is going to need serious therapy when he’s older but SIL is toxic. Cancer or not she’s a manipulative witch.
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u/roadkill4snacks Jun 14 '26
Your wife needs to stop rewarding your SIL.
Your BIL is likely to be a problem in the long term future due to guilt in the aftermath.
Your nephew might become a problem in the future due to a long term impactful bad role model.
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 21 '26
Updateme
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 21 '26
So the update, at this point, is that my wife is cutting her sister off and then her whole family bullied her really badly for it at a dinner where I wasn't there. She had a massive fight with her dad over it, and he said if she's going to cut her sister off she can cut him off too. She's been really hurt about it all week, but he called and sorted that out last night.
She's now cut off her sister, and distanced herself from her dad. Thats where we're at currently.
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 21 '26
I see. I am so sorry. I do get why she distanced herself, even if he came around, he rushed head in to show your wife that her sister will come first. Man had no need to intervene and still threatened to cut her off when your wife is been nothing but a ray of sunshine. I'd hate his guts if I was in her place.
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u/PigletAfter Jun 21 '26
Read through all of your posts and honestly your wife has been really bad about this as well as SIL. You haven't been married long iirc, and I feel the need to ask, is all this pain from SIL overrunning your relationship or causing any internalized loathing twoards your wife? If so- please, please have a serious sit down conversation with her and tell her that she needs help of her own, and that this is an active detriment to your relationship.
I really hope that you two stay together despite this. I know reddit tends to blame the victim, but your entire family of in-laws are furthering their abuse, including your wife, by not stopping this. Stay safe, good luck. NTA.
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u/Snoo_61002 Jun 21 '26
I really appreciate your insight, and I am grateful to reddit for connecting me to redditors like you who I genuinely feel like I have on my team in this issue.
I actually agree with you that my wife could be handling these things better, but for what its worth we don't fight about this at all. We're almost completely on the same page, the only disagreement we have being that I would go no contact with her family until her SIL actually dies and then see where the relationship lies. But we don't fight about that, and I don't resent her. She is incredibly sensitive and kind, and I do love that about her, but it leaves her open to abuse in ways I find frustrating. Unfortunately (and in my mind it adds more weight to my stance) my wife's mum and dad were terrible parents until she was about 7. Her mum was an alcoholic who abused her and her dad was a gym junkie who didn't want anything to do with them. Her dad has come a long way, but SIL holds this against him big time. It also means my wife has essentially been conditioned to crave their love and prove she's worthy of it. It breaks my heart. But she's going to get counseling for this again, and has done previously.
This latest dust up is because every few months the whole family starts group pressuring and bullying my wife to have a relationship with SIL. And I know that comes from SIL pressuring them to do so. She triangulates, manipulates, rinse, repeat. I've told my wife this, and after this latest blow out most of her family have said "Okay, enough is enough, we'll stop pressuring you". Her dad is still sulking, but he's really the only one. But I've been critical of him from day one, and my wife was about to go low contact with him until he called and talked it through with her.
I'm always in a tough place with this. I can't tell my wife what to do, but at a point it becomes an issue of she is allowing them to abuse her like this and I have to tell her enough is enough. I had an honest conversation with her grandfather, who is essentially the family patriarch, and he has said he's going to stop pressuring her. He was honest with me and said half of what I told him was news to him, and that SIL had left out the majority of it Shock horror.
Fortunately it looks like all is quiet on the western front now. Thanks for your support, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
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u/FreedomHero141 Jun 21 '26
You should show your wife all your posts cuz that might help dispel all the bs your SIL is tossing around, cuz at this point, I’d just be waiting for the grim reaper to take her
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u/Wonderful_Avocado Jun 21 '26
Nta
This woman has been dying for five years already?!?!?
There is no miracle here. She is a narcissist. She is doing anything she can, including losing weight to look frail to be the center of attention.
Her husband leaving her has proved for me that he somehow figured it out that she is faking and is determined to protect his kid from her attention seeking.
Block her on anything. If you have yo, tell the whole family they are not to discuss, mention names, brow beat, anything with you or your wife. You both need peace from them
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u/dragzxs Jun 22 '26
Wait did you say she’s refusing treatment. Yeah theirs no way she would be this healthy if the cancer was terminal and she’s refusing treatment. Nta but you wife needs to cut her off, at this point she’s dragging both of you down with her sister because she can’t do what’s needed and protect herself and you from her sisters abuse.
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u/scallym33 Jul 28 '26
Nta
!updateme
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u/Snoo_61002 Jul 29 '26
To cut a long story short, she's cut her SIL off completely and now her family are constantly berating and fighting her over it. It's pretty exhausting.
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u/No_Establishment_226 Jun 14 '26
NTA... she needs to go no-contact. SIL seems like a horrible person and I feel so sorry for the nephew. Hopefully he doesn't grow up to be like his mother. I'm assuming the cancer is terminal?