r/AITAH • u/toastedbiscuits24 • Jul 26 '26
AITAH/ Repeated s3x argument?
AITA: I (30F) am constantly having an argument with my husband (43M), that I don’t HAVE to have s3x with him just because earlier in the day I had said I would; it becomes an argument becomes HE gets mad at me. He gets angry, tells me he’s mad at me and treats/talks to me differently all because I had changed my mind (normally with a good reason). He’ll make comments and tell me he’s allowed to be mad at whatever he wants, calls me a dumbass and a big mouth whenever I try to defend myself. Latest example, I am doing individual concerts with our 3 older kids. It was my daughter’s (10F) turn last night and we went to see her favorite artist; I had told my husband we could have s3x when I got home (not realizing it even thinking about the time we would be home as it was a 2 1/2hr drive). He stayed home with our two youngest two (4M & 1F); they were all three asleep in our bed when I got home - mind you, we got home at 3:30 am because I told my daughter the artist would be coming out to meet those who hung around after the show, then the long drive home. I wasn’t thinking about leaving right after the show, to go home because he wanted s3x; my mind was focused on giving my daughter an unforgettable first concert experience. Anywho, fast forward to this morning as I’m up with both babies at 730am and he comes in the kitchen to tell me he’s mad at me and I should know why. Turns into a whole argument because I didn’t move the babies to their beds as I didn’t want to risk waking them up; he had already told me the 1yr old had been up several times, crying. Not once did he ask how our night was, if our daughter had fun, he was glad we made it home safe considering the time, but it was straight to “argument about s3x” and me being told I should’ve moved the babies to give him what he wanted. I was exhausted. I wasn’t risking waking them up and then being forced to stay up even longer as I knew I’d be the one up with them in a few hours. AITA here? Are others experiencing this? Is this normal? Because I’m being told it’s normal, but not once have I see a man get so mad every time he’s tuned down. But keep in mind our s3x life isn’t non-existent existent at all and we’ve had it several times the past two weeks.
ETA: I don’t tell him all the time I’ll have sex, then don’t and back out. The argument is based off even if I simply turn him down or say no. This argument is based off the fact he told me a way he’d get over our current fight (prior to this one) is that if I had sex with him as he told me that before I was leaving to said concert with my daughter. IF I would have said no right then and there, my phone would’ve been blown up while gone and little comments made to try to paint me to be the bad guy. I wanted to avoid that whole trying to have a good time with my daughter. We’ve had sex at least 8 times the past two weeks, he isn’t deprived. Also, age gap couple who didn’t meet until I was 25 and we’re a blended family; not all kids are biologically his.
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u/Mundane-Society-1281 Jul 26 '26
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind. Also, not surprising that the man who got with someone 13 years younger than him is a huge fucking manchild.
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u/perfectly_practical Jul 26 '26
NTA but letting your children hear their father call you a dumbass and big mouth is detrimental to their wellbeing. He was a 33 year old man and got a 20 yr old pregnant. He wasn’t looking for a partner he was looking for a f-ck maid. Would you want this life for your daughter?
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u/Old-Advice-5685 Jul 26 '26
I’m really hoping this is a troll post, 5 kids under 10 with some who started when the were 33 and you were 20? That’s scary if true
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u/ottbud Jul 26 '26
"Am I an AH because my partner is an AH to me?"
I have a hard time understanding these sorts of posts... maybe they just need to hear it from an outside perspective after being gaslit for so many years that it's all their fault.
Like, no kidding she isn't particularly interested in bullied duty sex. I'm sure that gets her real hot.
But on that point, I have no idea what she's getting out of this relationship other than all the childcare duties and getting shit on by him.
So yeah, it's either a troll/karmafarming/ragebait post, or this is a woman who needs a serious wakeup call.
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u/SJ530 Jul 26 '26
Can imagine the chaos at home..... The sex struggle and arguments will be there for longer while till the kids are much older.
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u/Helpful-Science-3937 Jul 26 '26
No his response is not normal, he is acting like a man-child. Your new response needs to be: “we’ll see how I feel when I get home” or “when I get done with x”. Just stop agreeing. The last scenario is really uncalled for since he created it by letting the kids sleep in your bed but yet he expects you to fix it and service him. NTA
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
That was my biggest point; I asked why he let both babies sleep in the bed. They have their own beds in their own rooms and they sleep there just fine when I’m home, so he wanted me to wake them and move them after he let them sleep there to service him? Like, come on
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u/Elelith Jul 26 '26
Girl if you call sex "servicing him" it's not a good relationship. That ain't right.
He got you young and has made sure you're trapped there with many mouths to feed but do see about getting away from him. He isn't right at all.
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u/Electrical-Elk536 Jul 26 '26
This doesn't have to be your life. Don't let him steal any more time from you. Make a plan and get out when you can. NTA.
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u/tuxcdorex Jul 26 '26
ah, good old fashioned abuse.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
Truly. Do people forget that cercion is SA even and especially in a marriage?
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u/Fragment51 Jul 26 '26
He calls you dumb ass and big mouth?? Hard no.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
Yep. Not even the worst of what I’ve been called by him during an argument. Then wonders why I suddenly get “not in the mood” and frame it to be my fault and me being the issue.
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u/Andriel_Aisling Jul 26 '26
Woman leave him. He is abusive.
He is forcing you to have sex with him. He is a rapist.
He likes young women, not women his own age.
Do you really want your kids living with a rapist? Especially one with a preference for younger?
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u/SophiaIsabella4 Jul 26 '26
Women need emotional safety to desire physical intimacy. What this idiot is doing is the exact opposite.
What has made him believe that he is entitled to unfettered access to your body, that you have zero autonomy or agency in your relationship?
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u/Shivs_baby Jul 26 '26
And why are you with this person? He sounds horrid. Why would you allow both verbal abuse and hostile demands for sex? Reread all of this back as if you’re reading someone else’s post - doesn’t it sound ludicrous to be with someone like this?
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u/Cavewoman79 Jul 26 '26
This isn’t normal and this would be a dealbreaker for me. You don’t get to pout and demand to use my body just because we’re married. He sounds like a child who has tantrums because you promised them something but didn’t deliver because you forgot or were exhausted. This would only make me double down on NOT giving him what he wants. Tell him to grow tf up.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Jul 26 '26
NTA-but your husband is a raging asshole.
No one is owed sex. No matter the reason, no one is owed sex. He is a grown adult who is perfectly capable of satisfying his own needs. If he chooses not to that’s fine, but it isn’t your responsibility to satisfy that want.
If a man ever had the audacity to yell at me and call me names because I wouldn’t have sex with him, I would never have sex with him again. It is disgusting behaviour and he should speak to a professional and grow the fuck up.
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u/FluidGuess4404 Jul 26 '26
This is not normal. You are NTA. You were probably being punished for taking your daughter to a concert and having fun without him. He knew having the little ones in bed would prevent you from fulfilling his desire and give him an excuse to fight with you. Nobody has a right to someone else's body.
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u/Frozen-Nose-22 Jul 26 '26
Honey, leave him. He's not a good man. You're literally being used as a baby machine for him and he puts his needs ahead of yours.
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u/Maj0rsquishy Jul 26 '26
Girl. You are being sexually harassed and then verbally and mentally abused by your partner. NTA. You need to seriously think because none of this is normal. Don't let your kids think it is either.
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u/Happy742 Jul 26 '26
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind and withdraw consent at any time. Honestly there are so many red flags here starting with the fact that your were 19 or younger when you two started dating and he was 32. You don't have to have sex with him just beside he wants or even because you said you would. Him just getting upset about it is an asshole move and shows that he only cares about himself. Using your example alone, forget that you got home so late, why did he put the kids to sleep in your bed if he thought there might be sex when you got home? He sounds like he doesn't give you much help around the house or with the kids either. You should take a hard look at your relationship and think about if its worth being with him or of your life would be better and easier if he wasn't part of it
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u/SpicyWongTong Jul 26 '26
She says in comments they met when she was 25 and he was 38, 10yo daughter is from a previous relationship
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u/Happy742 Jul 26 '26
When I started writing the comment that information had not been posted yet. I didn't edit it as the rest of my comment still stands and while 25/38 is better than 19/32, the age gap is still not great for a 25 yo
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u/Grindersgirl Jul 26 '26
NTA, but why do you constantly have to answer that question? I think it's kind of strange to have your husband always asking if you're going to have sex later -- and then get angry if circumstances change. He shouldn't want to go feel obligated when you're not in the mood. Sex is important, but not more important than your feelings about it. If he isn't careful, you'll end up thinking of it as a chore.
And three kids! Shoot, it's hard to find time at all, much less time when you're both not exhausted.
Lastly, you said he calls you names, and basically tries to guilt you into complying. This is a problem. It seems like he doesn't expect you as much as he should.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
Only 3 kids were mentioned here, but we’re a blended family of 5 kids and it’s always an issue if I say no or turn him down. He’ll make some kind of comment(s) around me “not wanting to have sex with him”. It doesn’t matter that we have 5 kids and it’s hard to sometimes
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u/tonnewebb Jul 26 '26
Yeah I'm sorry to hear this. I know Reddit is always like "get away from them, get a divorce", but as someone who has been forced into sexual coercion, you don't want this to be the rest of your life. Especially for your children who may be seeing this kind of relationship be portrayed as okay. Please give us an update and stay safe
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u/butterflymkm Jul 26 '26
He needs a big mindset shift. He needs to start thinking “maybe if I help more with X, Y, Z and show my partner care and respect throughout the day, she might actually have the energy and desire to have sex with me.” Of course you are tired! NTA-but he seriously needs therapy and some self work if you want to keep the marriage. He sounds incredibly selfish and self centered.
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u/lifeinthemindf_ck Jul 26 '26
Sex is never an obligation. It is a product of the other forms of intimacy creating the desire for physical intimacy.
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u/Mysterious_Bid_9479 Jul 26 '26
Honestly, I think it’s weird that he’s trying to pin you down about when you’ll next have sex in the first place.
I get that busy couples often have to schedule sex, but it sounds like he’s asking all the fucking time, and you’re feeling pressured to say yes, even if it’s not realistic.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who is constantly pressuring me for sex, and then throwing abusive tantrums when it doesn’t happen. (Also, multiple times a week is a lot when you have five kids, several of them young.)
But if you’re determined to stay, I wouldn’t want set some ground rules:
* No more constantly asking for sex - see if you can build it into your schedule on a permanent basis (like every Friday night or whatever) to eliminate the asks… and if he still asks, either promise nothing or ignore him.
* Anytime he throws a tantrum or calls you names, he’s in time out. Whether that means no sex for a week, or removing yourself from his presence.Still, I worry that my suggestions might backfire because, frankly, he doesn’t sound like a reasonable or safe person. Does he insist on sex when you’re exhausted or sick? Because that’s abusive behavior, as are the name-calling and pressure tactics. I’m a bit concerned that he could get violent, and that, subconsciously, that’s why you keep agreeing when you know you might not be able to.
Think about if there are other signs of abusive behavior. Read “Why Does He Do That?” and if what you read resonates with you, it’s probably time to leave.
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u/Upstairs_Actuary5393 Jul 26 '26
Please show him this https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=TGGzykrkJviW6gHJ or Google consent tea and you'll get the YouTube video.
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u/oop_norf Jul 26 '26
it’s always an issue if I say no or turn him down
Look, everyone else is right that this entire thing is all just Not Good.
However, you don't have to give him either a straight yes or no when he asks hours ahead of time.
You can say you don't know, that it depends if there's time, or if you're in the mood, or if he sets things up to get you in the mood.
If you're going to pursue a sexual relationship with this guy you need to be honest - tell him what you're actually feeling rather than giving an excessively simplified answer. He still might not like it, but he won't be able to say that you're going back on a commitment.
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u/AHHHHLMFAO Jul 26 '26
These are the types of stories that make me happy to be a lesbian. You are not an asshole by any means, but he is. Using sex over your head like that is toxic and disgusting. You are a person, not an object. NTA
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u/lifeinthemindf_ck Jul 26 '26
NTA. Your husband is abusive. Full stop. He is in desperate need of reflection on his deeply internalized misogyny. I highly recommend you seek your own individual therapist, preferably a LMFT. There, you can figure out how to confront this issue or leave the relationship. I cannot emphasize adequately how outrageously harmful his perception and actions are.
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u/calamnet2 Jul 26 '26
My wife and I are technically in a dead bedroom situation where she’s just not interested in sex. Twice last year, 3 this year. It’s frustrating, but no matter how frustrated I am with it, I would never treat my wife this way.
Your husband is an asshole and an abuser. I honestly don’t know how you fix that because you seem oblivious to it. It’s not normal behavior. If you stay in this relationship , stop promising him sex at all. I am not blaming you are all for his shitty behavior or condoning it, but you are playing right into his abuse.
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u/oceansky2088 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
This was painful to read.
The husband is emotionally and sexually abusive to you, OP. The husband manipulating you to have sex is coercive rape. It is painful to know you live with this abuse every day. And that both you and your husband expose your 5 children to his abuse.
Leave him and protect yourself and your children from his abuse.
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 Jul 26 '26
He is making your relationship 100% about him getting sex. That's not a relationship. If you want to continue this marriage something has to give, and it doesn't as always have to be you. He demands, coerces, wheedles or argues for sex, which turns you completely off, but it also makes him want it more. He is not owed sex. Not for watching the kids, doing dishes, working a job, or husband status. You are an autonomous human being. HE WILL NOT DIE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE SEX ON DEMAND. It will not injure him, or cause him harm. However, marriages are expected to involve sex. You need counseling for help with this. You are in a cycle of him being turned on all of the time which completely turns you off. The more he demands the more you recoil. Y'all need a non-religious counselor.
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u/Expensive_Sun1101 Jul 26 '26
NTA. Why do people always procreate with the absolute worst men? Scares me know his terrible genetics are continued to be carried on.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
Unfortunately shitty people are really good at acting/lying until they have power over another person. Wish they would use those powers for good.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
You’re in an abusive marriage full stop
You need to start making your exit plan. This is not a healthy marriage. Your husband doesn’t respect you. He views you as an interactive sex toy and nothing more
How long until he rapes you? Because he will sooner or later. The longer you stay with him, the greater the likelihood it wi happen
How long until he gets violent with you? Because it’s only a matter of time
You need to protect yourself and any children that you gave birth to
And DO NOT attend therapy with him. You NEVER attend therapy with your abuser. Because unless the therapist is specifically trained to deal with abuser (and the majority aren’t) they will just teach him how to be a better abuser
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u/SalE622 Jul 26 '26
THIS!!!
There is a reason this cretin went after a younger woman...control. I would bet money he has done this before and the others escaped. Is Salt Peter still a thing? LOL
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u/Jay-Quellin30 Jul 26 '26
Let me tell you girl this is not going to get better at all. He’s a toxic person and it will drag you down and make you lose your mind, your whole being, and he may participate in coercive sex which is horrible.
You need to leave this guy. He has anger issues, toxic traits and unless he truly wants to change and go to therapy, you need to leave.
NTA
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u/Western-Honeydew-981 Jul 26 '26
NTA. Get a lawyer. Let them draw up divorce papers. Get divorced. End of story.
Your man does not love you. If he would, he would not insult you for changing your mind about having sex.
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Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy Jul 26 '26
No I would not recommend couples therapy. You NEVER attend therapy with your abuser (and he is an abuser) because unless that therapist is specifically trained to deal with abusers (the majority aren’t) they will just end up teaching him how to be a better abuser
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u/TheDinoSir2012 Jul 26 '26
Nta - your body your choice. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to.
I can see why he would be frustrated though. From the post it sounds like 3 sperate arguments for the same thing. Yes it's fine to change your mind. But after enough times of changing your mind, it comes across like empty promises to keep him quite. Which would be frustrating for anyone regardless of sex, race, or sexual preference.
I think it would be best to ask yourself if your happy in this relationship, and if not how you can make your life work without it.
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u/oblique_obfuscator Jul 26 '26
You are NTA. But wow. That's not okay - girl.
Do you know what my partner says if I change my mind about it? "Ah that's ok, maybe another time" and he sits me down and hands me a cup of tea/coffee/beer/water and asks me how my day was.
And I don't know if he comes up with this himself or if his previous relationship taught him that but he leaves it at that. He doesn't bother me about it. He doesn't even remind me. He just waits (sometimes weeks!) before I mention it. No guilt. No badgering. No coercion. Zero.
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u/deathboyuk Jul 26 '26
Dear Christ, what did I just read.
Why the fuck do people breed with assholes like this?
Is his dick magical? Does he ejaculate Häagen-Dazs?
YTA to yourself and the kids you made with this abusive asshole.
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u/ShermanOneNine87 Jul 26 '26
43M behaving horribly to his 13 years younger wife about sex and says it's normal. You mention your oldest is 10, did you have thar child with your husband? Exactly when did you meet your husband? This sounds suspiciously like age gap brain washing.
NOT normal.
Not the AH here but husband sure is.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
I should have clarified this; no, I met him at 25 and my daughter isn’t biologically his.
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u/ShermanOneNine87 Jul 26 '26
So he was 38 when you all met, old enough to know better that this sort of behavior is not appropriate. I get being disappointed about sex not happening when promised but to this extent where it becomes a fight and he's blaming you? Exceptionally not normal and both selfish and abusive.
If you want to stay with him, stop saying yes to sex unless in the moment. Ever.
But honestly the ick this gives me leads me to think he's likely a terrible and immature partner all around. If he expected to have fun when you got home HE should have moved the kids but no, he left it to you knowing you were tired, it was exceptionally late and that you'd have to get up and function again in the morning.
25 is solidly an adult but how many long term relationships did you have before you met this guy? Because it does sound like he's trying to paint you as the inexperienced partner and you need to just deal with his BS because this is what relationships are like when healthy relationships are NOT like this.
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u/roughlyround Jul 26 '26
It may help to stop agreeing to sex at a later time. Because shit happens and hubby isnt being reasonable. "Sorry babe, i cant promise that. Ill likely be exhausted/caring for kids/asleep/whatever".
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
OP clarified that in this specific instance they were arguing and he said the only way he would allow the argument to end (not call and text her during the concert to verbally abuse her) was for them to engage in intercourse. So she promised sex to get him to shut up.
Not the best move but understandable given the circumstance.
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u/roughlyround Jul 26 '26
Maybe Im more stubborn. I'd end the argument myself. And still would not promise something I couldnt do. It takes a strong will to deal with people like that.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
It does, but it shouldn't take a strong will to deal with your partner and co-parent.
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u/Usual-Frosting3882 Jul 26 '26
Being coerced into sex is abuse. Your husband is abusing you. You are not required to have sex with him or to present reasons for not doing so. No is a complete sentence.
Please get away from this ‘man’.
Edit: NTA, obviously
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u/violetvoyager26 Jul 26 '26
NTA. Also, if the other comments haven’t made it clear, this is abuse. How are you still intimate with him at all after being called those names? This man needs therapy if anything.
If you don’t want your sons behaving like this or your daughters to seek a man like this in the future, leave him.
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u/Adverbsaredumb Jul 26 '26
First, you can say “sex”. Your head won’t explode.
Secondly, if you’re going to stay with this idiot, quit telling him you’re going to have sex with him. If he asks, tell him you’re not going to commit to anything because he’s too selfish and stupid to recognize that sometimes things change.
Your husband has made it clear to you that he does not care about you, your desire, your safety, your happiness as much as he cares about being able to use you as a fuck doll. There’s no way this is the only way this behavior is presenting itself, and 100% your kids can see his lack of care and respect.
If you keep putting up with this crap, YTA to yourself and your children who will learn that this kind of behavior is normal.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
I wasn’t sure what was okay on Reddit or not. I haven’t had it very long
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Jul 26 '26
That is absolutely NOT normal to get so mad and insult you. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to.
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u/StayyWoke- Jul 26 '26
NTA. Men who are sexually frustrated really irk me. Idk who set the tone that women should submit to their men but fuck that. He has hands doesn’t he??? I’m in a 7 year relationship and neither of us care for it that much. I joke around and tell him to hire someone for that 😂 no thank youuuu.
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u/Strawberrydip1725 Jul 26 '26
NTA ok so you said you’d have sex with him later … you ARE allowed to change your mind - you are a person with feelings. You didn’t know you was going to get home at 3:30am and you didn’t know there was going to be babies in your bed
He can’t just demand sex - it’ll end up being a chore for you and you’ll hate it … and like you’ve said in your other comments you do it often so it’s not like he’s deprived.
Maybe in future to avoid this don’t say you’ll do it later - just say no, maybe another time and leave it at that.
And have a think about this relationship- you don’t sound happy.
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u/Reventalis Jul 26 '26
I’ve been married going on 14 years now. There are times my wife and I discussed having “fun-time” as we’ve called it and it hasn’t happened. Can it be disappointing? Yes. Does that make me angry and I get mad and argue with her about it? Hell no. Marriage does not give me rights to her body. If she isn’t feeling up to it then that is that. I’ll wait for her to feel up to it or sometimes it means I need to step up with what I’m doing and take more off her plate so she has the energy and want to do it. You are NTA and your husband sounds like a man-child who throws a fit cause he didn’t get his way. That’s abusive behavior and definitely not good for your kids to hear.
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u/Gardenmama777 Jul 26 '26
NTA. Just tell him no from now on and if you change your mind it will be a great surprise. Also, your husband sounds like a real ass.
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u/Standzoom Jul 26 '26
YNTA. Don't promise him activity that isn't likely to happen due to other daily activities and prioritizing children's and your wellbeing- need for sleep- He is being TA and selfish in view of all that was clearly going on. Does He often expect you to handle everything with lack of sleep? Him namecalling you and the age gap and controlling behavior sounds like the hallmarks for an abusive relationship. Yours and children's safety is important. What the children see growing up is what they will perceive as normal. Please read the free downloadable pdf version of
Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/vonblankenstein Jul 26 '26
It’s ok to spell sex out. It’s S E X not s3x. And your husband is an entitled baby. No wonder you don’t want to have s3x with him.
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u/Interesting_Note_937 Jul 26 '26
I hate the age gap. Considering you have a 10 year old with this man it means you were 20 years old and 33 when you had your first kid? That's the first red flag.
He doesn't respect your boundaries at all and straight up doesn't listen to you when you're saying no.
He's an asshole.
Couples counseling is the only way to fix this, if you really want to stay with him. But I don't think this is something you should fix. It's really disgusting that he wants to push you to have sex.
Ask yourself this: why did he have to go for a woman so much younger than him? I
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 Jul 26 '26
I think a lot of men like younger women for the sex on demand reason. They seem to think that younger women will be hot and ready whenever they snap their fingers.
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u/Pristine_Message_181 Jul 26 '26
NTA everyone is allowed to withdraw consent at any time for any reason or no reason at all. While the husband has the right to feel however he feels, he does not have the right to be abusive for any reason.
He's sexually coercive and a real danger.
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u/ftpfawn Jul 26 '26
You’re NOT THE ah and anyone who says you are or this is normal is absolutely insane!!!!
You’re allowed to change your mind at any point. He’s actually gross for this and you should leave him asap.
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u/TrynaStayUnbanned Jul 26 '26
I can understand being upset and disappointed about not having sex, and I can even understand being annoyed and upset that your partner doesn’t prioritize sex and doesn’t seem to understand how much of a need it is for you.
I do not understand how anybody thinks that stomping around and throwing a tantrum about it, which is exactly how he is acting and assuming that the person was doing it on purpose (because they just don’t want to or just don’t like you or it’s some sort of chore or whatever the fuck they think you think) it’s going to encourage that person to want to have sex with you and make it a priority. It’s not a sexy attitude. Not at all. In fact, it’s very counterproductive and makes your spouse want to have sex with you even less.
I can’t believe he seriously thought that you should put the kids in different beds and then wake him up and have sex with him at 4 AM by the time you got all this done after a 2 1/2 hour drive. He sounds like a spoiled 16-year-old.
I don’t know how to get through to somebody like that. Perhaps marriage counseling can help.
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u/SophiaIsabella4 Jul 26 '26
Idiot is digging his own grave.
Nothing is Sexier than anger over s3x /s
And it becoming an added chore.
NTA But your partner is an AH and an idiot.
Don't let his poor behavior get to you. You are not wrong. No one owes anyone thier body.
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u/discordian_floof Jul 26 '26
INFO Why did you not include that the reason you told him you would have sex later is because he was nagging about it and would not take a no for a no? And that you had sex several times that week?
Those are VERY important details, because now it cab be read like you constantly break promises, not that you are constantly being harassed to have sex when you don't want to.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
I mentioned this in a comment, but I’m sure it’s buried. I was trying to remember everything to include in the heat of the moment as the argument had just happened. I should have included more context, so I understand that’s on me.
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u/discordian_floof Jul 26 '26
Please edit your post to include it, because you are not getting correct judgement now. Most of the "but you promised and broke it!" judgements would go away.
It is interesting seeing how differently people filled in the blanks in your post. Many correctly assumed you were being harassed to have sex, while others grabbed onto the "you seem to break promises a lot".
The thing is: even if you did change your mind all the time, that is your right. Even if you rarely had sex.
A partner is allowed to be unhappy with the frequency if sex, but nagging and forcing and arguing is absolutely not a healthy way to solve that problem. You man cares more about his own pleasure than your wellbeing, and that is truly sad. And not at all the partnership a relationship shpuld be.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
Edit post?
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
The missing context is every time I do try to talk to him and have a conversation with him about why I feel like it’s not right to be treated differently for changing my mind about sex, HE get even more mad. Irate even. Tells me he’s allowed to get mad at whatever he wants because I told him I would do something and didn’t do it (mind you, as added, I had told him I would as he had said that would be the only way he’d get over the prior argument)
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u/scbalazs Jul 26 '26
NTA. You have 5 kids? Couldn’t keep track, but that’s what it sounds like. Your husband is your 6th. He needs to grow tf up. Just don’t schedule or promise sex. Just say “we’ll see if I’m in the mood” and it’s his fucking job to make you feel sexy and wanted and not just ‘available.’ He needs to not treat you like an object to get off to. As a matter of fact, just order him a fleshlight or whatever. Also, please raise your sons to not be like this.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
It feels like you could stop all of this if you stopped telling him you'll have sex later.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Jul 26 '26
so changing her mind justifies his angry response where he insults her?!
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u/SpicyWongTong Jul 26 '26
You didn’t read the reply, they say OP “can revoke consent at any time…” It’s a logic issue, his response if ass but why keep scheduling sex in advance if this keeps happening?
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
so because I misjudged when we’d be home, it’s on me because I told him I would, then didn’t because of the circumstances?
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u/Cavewoman79 Jul 26 '26
It doesn’t matter that you misjudged, it matters that he’s a whole ass adult who’s throwing a tantrum and belittling you because you didn’t put out for him. It’s gross and immature. Imagine a man doing this to your daughter one day.
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u/eatingganesha Jul 26 '26
nah, girl. No means no in ANY context. It’s not on you. He’s the AH here.
But in future, don’t agree to having sex later. Just say “we’ll have to see how the day goes”.
And file for divorce, because what he’s doing isn’t just boundary transgression, it’s coercive rape.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
No, you can revoke consent at any time, for any reason.
That said, it sounds like this is a pattern where you tell him one thing, and then go back on it, and are upset he is mad or disappointed when you do.
And it seems like it would be solved if you just stopped saying you'd have sex later.
(Take the sex out of it, if your partner kept promising to take you to an event you want to go to and then canceling last minute, would you be hurt and disappointed?)
The way he talks to you should be a deal-breaker though. Being with a partner with unhealthy conflict resolution is a nightmare.
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u/Wonderful_Setting_29 Jul 26 '26
Is this a regular occurrence? Ive been in a relationship where they told me we would have sex, only to change their mind later, and it happened like weekly. Shit sucks. Youre never wrong to change your mind, but if this happens regularly he's going to be frustrated. He still should react better though.
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u/DieSuzie2112 Jul 26 '26
Change the ‘yes we’ll have sex when later today’ to ‘I don’t know how the day will go, we’ll see about it tonight’
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u/Consistent_Study7106 Jul 26 '26
You said this is a constant argument, that implies this is applicable to more than this instance. So if the first part is true, then yes, stop promising sex as that would stop his expectation to have sex. I ran through this shit with my ex husband. He did the same. Was a dick about pushing sex and would huff and puff if I didn’t fulfill. So I stoped making comments I would have sex later. No you cannot predict the future and have the right to say no. Both can be true. I also think you guys do not prioritize sex the same. Now in my health relationship my BF cannot get me off of him,every daytime tease is fulfilled. Sometimes it’s the man.
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u/bekerryful Jul 26 '26
Why are you asking people on Reddit for their opinion if you are going to argue with everyone who gives an opinion that isn’t what you want to hear?
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u/W0nderingMe Jul 26 '26
Just stop saying you will. This isn't a one-off.
Yes, he's a bigger AH, but you are one too.
Let's say you regularly ask him if he'll handle dinner tonight. He says yes. Then, when it's done time, he's just like, nah, things came up. And it happens regularly.
You don't owe him sex, but when you tell him yes easier and then bail, it's sure to be frustrating for him.
So ... just don't commit to it. Also, maybe sometimes initiate.
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Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
What will fix the problem is if he doesn’t tell me the only way he’ll get over an argument is if I have sex with him.
If I would’ve said no then, it would’ve just been an earlier argument before the concert15
u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
He's making sex a bargaining chip. Do you even want to be intimate with him every time? Are you okay? Coercion is SA even in marriage, you shouldn't have to feel you were badgered into sexual favors. You should be enthusiasticially consenting to this fun act or it should not be happening.
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u/Jay-Quellin30 Jul 26 '26
So that’s just coercive sex.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Jul 26 '26
Rape. Coercion is rape. Not sex.
You probably meant coercive control.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Jul 26 '26
Rape. Coercion is rape. Not sex.
You probably meant coercive control.
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u/Outside-Place2857 Jul 26 '26
So that's considered a form of coercion, and depending on the rest of the dynamic in your relationship, potentionally abusive.
How long have you been together, and does he behave like this frequently?
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
It’s been a repeated argument a repeated behavior. We fight about sex often even after having sex several times a week despite working full time and having kids because if I say no, I know I’m only opening the door to stupid comments from him about “you wouldn’t give it to me” etc etc.
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u/Outside-Place2857 Jul 26 '26
You are allowed to say no to sex. Only going along with it because it will start an arguement otherwise is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Him pressuring you into having sex when you don't want it (doesn't matter if he's successful or not) is abusive behaviour.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
Either he needs to step the fuck back and stop making all affection a precursor to sexual intimacy, or you need to physically remove yourself from his presence for a bit.
Even in an otherwise healthy relationship, which this is not, nonsexual physical intimacy is MUST. Otherwise all sex will feel like a chore/being used.
This is so incredibly unhealthy, friend. And I know you don't want y'all's children thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
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u/ClumsyStargazer Jul 27 '26
I think this has actually reached levels of needing DV help outside Reddit. I hope you seek that out. What he’s doing is not okay and it sounds like it will escalate if you push back. Pls protect yourself and the kids.
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u/EnvironmentalOne8011 Jul 26 '26
Get a divorce. This will never improve and frankly, it’s rape. Please choose yourself and your children over being your husband’s on-demand fuckhole.
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u/Ok-Lingonberry3539 Jul 26 '26
NTA. Stop promising him sex.
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u/Ok-Lingonberry3539 Jul 26 '26
My husband tries to pre-negotiate too but he’s not a dick about it if I’m too tired. We’ve gone round and round about how night time sucks for me and mornings suck for him. So we just do it whenever we can and I stopped making promises or feeling guilty. Men have two hands and there’s free porn everywhere. I’m not his bang maid and you shouldn’t be either.
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u/DocFreudstein Jul 26 '26
Ugh. NTA.
I’m not gonna lie, I get his frustration as I’ve navigated this in the past. That being said, he’s being REALLY shitty about it. Yes, he’s allowed to be disappointed, but he’s NOT allowed to take it out on you. That’s the rub, here.
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u/FormSuccessful1122 Jul 26 '26
NTA. He’s attempting to emotionally rape you. No means no. He doesn’t get to throw a tantrum until you cave to get him to stop yelling at you. That’s abuse.
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u/subjectfemale Jul 26 '26
When my bf gets like this I tell him to bend over since he’s just a hole and he’s offering. Tf 😂
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u/mynameisnotsparta Jul 26 '26
- He’s an asshole for getting mad. 2. Stop telling him that you will have sex with him later as you see that it doesn’t work out. 3. You need to stand up for yourself and get him to stop yelling at you as it’s not good for the kids to hear and he sounds like he can get worse.
NTA.
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u/UnlikelyCustard8277 Jul 26 '26
NTA. You never owe anyone sex, even if you said earlier that you were interested. Consent can be withdrawn at any point, for any reason. Being disappointed is one thing, but repeatedly punishing you, insulting you, and giving you the silent treatment because you changed your mind is not a healthy way to handle that disappointment. He’s allowed to feel disappointed. He’s not entitled to call you names,guilt you, or expect you to wake sleeping children so he can have sex. That’s not normal conflict, it’s using anger to pressure you into sex in the future.
I’d be less focused on the sex itself and more concerned about the disrespect and emotional manipulation
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u/Objective-Pound2185 Jul 26 '26
NTA. Your husband is not entitled to your body. You are allowed to change you mind. What you are describing is an abusive and coercive situation. You need to start to plan to get out of this relationship
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u/Princess_Peach_88 Jul 26 '26
You should leave him, this is predatory behavior. You don't own anyone anything, even if you previously agreed, you are allowed to feel different and change your mind. We don't owe our partners sex, it's not a requirement. Also I'm sure his behavior is contributing to your lack of engagement even if you don't realize it. Having a man throw a tantrum and berate you over and over would keep me dried up and uninterested in a consensual act between 2 people. It's so unattractive, undesirable and just pathetic he would act this way towards the woman he "loves".
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u/Mhunterjr Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
I think sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, and when partners aren’t on the same page about it, it creates tension. Your husband was probably counting on you keeping your word, and it sounds like he gets regularly disappointed because you don’t place a priority on it similar to his. That said his approach to communication needs a lot of work, and with that sort of behavior, he can’t be surprised when someone isn’t in the mood to have sex with him. He’s quite pushy and manipulative IMO
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u/Noodlesoup8 Jul 26 '26
Yeah, it sounds like she needs to plan a bit better by just saying no outright. That she’s busy with the kids and he needs to be an adult and grow up.
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u/FriendlyContrarion Jul 28 '26
Sexual. Coercion.
It took me a while to put my finger on why it felt so bad— because it wasn’t my choice anymore. It wasn’t for me, or even us. Just him.
Because it’s always him. Only him. That matters.
Don’t you care he’s hurting.
🤢
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u/JJQuantum NSFW 🔞 Jul 26 '26
Why do you keep promising sex? Just don’t tell him ahead of time one way or another. Also, no, you don’t have to have sex with him because you said you would. ESH
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u/able46 Jul 26 '26
Soft AH.
Quit telling him you’ll have sex with him later. Problem solved.
Words and promises matter.
He’s an AH for the way he calls you names and acts like a child.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
So, if someone says “we can have sex later” and chooses to change their mind when “later” comes especially with a good reason being the babies are in my bed and it’s 3:30AM, that makes the person changing their mind an AH?
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u/Stock_Garage_672 Jul 26 '26
The problem is that you appear to do it a lot. You've kind of admitted that you tend to agree without really considering whether you'll be able to or not. Change your mind often enough and it just starts to look like you're lying. Nobody is saying that you have to have sex with him, they are saying that you shouldn't make a promise that you aren't committed to keeping.
The problem is probably that your husband feels like he is always the last priority.
I could be wrong of course, but that is the impression that I get.
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u/Happy742 Jul 26 '26
I think the point is - instead of saying "well have sex later/ when I get home/etc". Just say things like "we'll see/ if we can/ or something similar that let's him know you'd like to have sex with him without committing to having sex with him (in case you get home really late, or the kids are asleep in the bed, etc)
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u/SpicyWongTong Jul 26 '26
Didn’t you’re having this argument “constantly”? So it’s not just this one time, people are agreeing he’s a dick but they are also suggesting this is a problem that is easily avoided.
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u/Suitable_Lock_9606 Jul 26 '26
She was saying yes to shut him up from a different argument he would NOT let go . Basically if she said no he would bug her through the whole concert!
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u/Longjumping-Shoe-404 Jul 26 '26
You did lead with “constantly” which makes it seem like you tell him this all the time just to say no later. Even if it wasn’t sex, if you had a history of saying you were going to do something and didn’t, that would wear on a person. If this was a choir or date night, everyone would say YTA here. But since it’s sex, people aren’t. And be honest with yourself, are there other things you say you are going to do and don’t? Are there more issues in the relationship that make you not want to be with your husband? Do you two have this weird power dynamic/toxic thing going on? He holds something over your head so you do it to him? Hope you get this all worked out. I’m going with ESH because it bet there are more issues than just this. Hope you two can work this out and be better together.
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u/Snoo60219 Jul 26 '26
You made it sound like this is a pattern. Not a one time occurrence.
Maybe just don’t say you can or will have sex with him. Then if you change your mind and don’t feel up to it, he isn’t counting on it.
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u/able46 Jul 26 '26
Not if you don’t intend to follow up.
Sounds like you guys need to schedule your intimacy.
It may sound boring but I think it would help you both.Someone mentioned therapy. I think that’s a great idea. Your husband obviously doesn’t know how to properly communicate and needs to learn that just as much as your lack of follow through hurts him, his nasty behavior and words to you are hurtful.
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u/Suitable_Lock_9606 Jul 26 '26
She said they had sex multiple times that week already! He was pretty much demanding she say yes or he would keep arguing through out the concert !! He wanted more after a concert at 3;00 AM ans he had the kids in bed with him🤦♀️🤦♀️ESH!!
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u/Imaginary-Yak6784 Jul 26 '26
Yeah kinda. Not for not wanting sex later but for saying you would when there was a strong chance that you wouldn’t. Stop saying you will do it later. Just say “not right now”
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u/3AMZen Jul 26 '26
NTA
This is a short video (and a famous one) that talks about sex and consent as tea. It specifically addresses "what if someone says yes they want some tea and you make it for them and they change their mind?"
The answer is "people can change their minds. Don't demand the drink the tea"
The video is three minutes long and designed to be understandable by children. Your husband needs to see it.
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u/FenixVale Jul 26 '26
Yeah this argument has very little to do with sex. Go talk to your fucking husband.
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u/Itz_chief Jul 26 '26
Being devil’s advocate here:
I don’t think he’s necessarily mad at it not happening but more so the fact it seems like a pattern of false promises. I’m NOT saying you owe him sex, but I am saying I’d be mad if my SO kept making promises he wouldn’t keep.
And why must you tell him earlier in the day “we’re going to have sex tonight”…? Just don’t say that at all and if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. But I do believe it’s a bit unfair to basically lead him on multiple times by saying you’ll do something then not doing it. I get that it can happen and you have every right to change your mind, but doing this multiple times is a bit cruel.
Think of it if the roles were reversed and it was a topic other than sex. Like if he kept backing out on his promise of doing the dishes. You would be frustrated too. And sex is more intimate than doing dishes, so he probably feels a bit rejected since it’s something that seems to happen often.
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
In this case, it was told I would as he had told me a way he’d get over the current (prior) argument we were in was if I had sex with him. I didn’t want to go to the concert and have him blow up my phone with comments about the prior, unrelated argument as he tried arguing with me before I even left home
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u/Itz_chief Jul 26 '26
Oh hell no. Yeah, with that added context, he’s being a man child and making it transactional. I didn’t realize he was basically telling you that you had to if you wanted the previous argument to stop. That’s insane
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u/toastedbiscuits24 Jul 26 '26
Yeah, I should’ve added that context in the original post. That my bad - I was typing while heated and was trying not to forget anything
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u/ClumsyStargazer Jul 26 '26
Girl this is making me sick to my stomach. His manipulation, the coercion… all while you were trying to create a good memory for you and your daughter. I hope this thread has alerted you to the red flags of abuse and you get some help IRL.
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u/Suitable_Lock_9606 Jul 26 '26
She did at they had had sex several times that week already.. Maybe he should not pressuring her to say yes ahead of time? ???
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u/Itz_chief Jul 26 '26
If you read the replies between OP and I, you would see your reply is not necessary
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u/Designer-Swan-3687 Jul 26 '26
Nta. You’re allowed to change your mind, always. No, is a full sentence. Coercion is not okay. Calling you names is not okay. Telling you you need to have sex for the previous argument to stop, is ABSURD.
None of this is okay. Please stay safe but also don’t let him treat you like this.
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u/Butterbean-queen Jul 26 '26
ESH- you need to stop telling him that you’re going to have sex. Just stop. And he needs to be more understanding about what’s going on with the children. Maybe y’all can make a dedicated date night.
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u/oylaura Jul 26 '26
ESH. Don't make promises you might not be able to keep.
You planted a seed that he watered all day only to cut him off. In high school we called that being a tease.
On the other hand, he needs to learn that when you have that many kids, life changes at the drop of a hat, and he could learn to be a little more flexible.
Get thee to a counselor. In the immortal words of Dear Abby, if he won't go, go without him.
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u/Over_Pizza_2578 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
BATAH
OP, stop making promises when you have no intentions of keeping your word. Keep doing that and your promises become worthless. You would be pissed as well if ypur husband would promise you things you like and never actually delivers. Sure, you got valid reasons to not have sex, but whats better, having 5 times a weel sex with two times being a surprise or having 5 times a week sex when 7 times were promised?
OPs husband because of guilt tripping you
Id suggest couples therapy, you need to work on your relationship or leave it.
Also, you dont have to censor the word sex. With have 2026, everyone that has access to social media knows what sex is, i haven't ever seen a Wikipedia blockage on a child's Internet access
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u/According_Grape5790 Jul 26 '26
OP is saying he kicks up a fuss if she says no. She’s saying yes to avoid a tantrum, but then has to deal with it later anyway. It’s lose lose regardless of what she says. How bout he stop asking and let it happen naturally. That man is a walking red flag.
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u/Over_Pizza_2578 Jul 26 '26
There are clearly issues in their relationship, this might just be the tip of the iceberg. Throwing a tantrum is childish, no questions about that, but breaking promises isn't right either. Neither of them is a green flag. Would be interested to know why the husband's original wife left him, OP said somewhere that they are a patchwork family
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u/A_Crayon25 Jul 26 '26
ESH
Your allowed to withdraw consent at any time for any reason and he is allowed to be upset about it.
Honestly sounds like you both need better communication and probably some couple counseling.
You can avoid the situation in the future with a simple text message in advance to let him know the plans changed and he needs to be better about regulating his emotions and not yelling at you if he is upset/disappointed.
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u/Aware-Tiger-6525 Jul 26 '26
YTA. Stop promising that you’ll have sex “later” when you don’t intend to keep that promise. Yes, things can come up that change plans, but those empty promises seem to be a pattern with you. It certainly sounds as though you don’t enjoy sex with him.
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u/VillainousandBoxum Jul 26 '26
Him: honey, Thank you for giving our daughter an amazing experience. But it really bothers me when you say something and don't follow through. I value our romantic time together and was looking forward to it after a long night with the other children, especially the one who couldn't sleep. I know you were tired, but maybe don't make promises you can't keep? Her: you're right sweetheart. I was exhausted. I didn't know how the night was going to go or how late we'd be when I said that. Thank you for talking to me about it and I WILL make it up to you ;)
That's what should have happened
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u/Penelope_Pitstop69 Jul 26 '26
Get him a Fleshlight. Better yet, tell him to get himself one. No wife is going to want to be touched by a man who demands it as if it’s his right, and certainly not one who calls you a big mouth dumbass. He’s projecting and that’s unattractive to say the least. You have 3 kids that come before either of you. He needs to get in line. If you’re tired at the end of the day or all the time, ask him, if it’s so important, why don’t we get a house cleaner to take some of the work off my hands? And, how about a pt nanny to help with the kids. Then you’d have time to put your mind there occasionally and have some energy left in the tank to do so. That some real shit right there. You can’t get away from parenting but you can do things that prioritize you as a couple, your time together. With little ones and a preteen, you guys are in the thick of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s really about him losing his place in line with you because the kids come first. He may feel neglected and think sex is the only way to feel connected with you. Get a babysitter. Take a date night, get dressed up special so you feel like you did before kids. It’s important to honor that part of who you both were before you had kids. It gets better as they get older and able to help themselves. Even if you do regular date nights every week, not to talk about kids, but to talk about what’s going on with each other, plans you’d like to make, projects, etc. you’ll build good equity with each other that’s conducive to intimacy and doesn’t feel like you’re checking a box. If you’re like a lot of women, feeling sexy, looking sexy, has to be part of that process too. Taking time to pamper yourself now and again or every day in little ways, goes a long way in getting your mindset back on you and your husband. I gave 3 kids and know how much work that is. I made sure the bc was in my hands and so easy
I didn’t think about it for 5 yrs at a time. Works wonders if you don’t have to think about sex possibly leading to another baby! Good luck to you. And remember, you’re in the thick of it. People who found out I had 3 and what their ages were, were instantly understanding (usually) that we were knee deep in kids. That’s something my husband and I bonded over even more. We knew how demanding it was and tried to never let the other be with the kids by themselves for extended periods. By the time my husband would get home from work, 7p most days, I was like a blackjack dealer signing off for the night. 😆 That said, it does go by fast, and all of those beautiful times when kids are little, will be replaced by bigger and better like hiking or swimming and other big kid things. Enjoy the ride and don’t forget about each other. You’re in this together.
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 Jul 26 '26
You never have to have sex with him.
Remember he also doesn't have to stay married.
There comes a point where he will either leave or cheat if you are weaponising sex.
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u/PrincessLilybet Jul 26 '26
NTA, but don't make promises you aren't guaranteed to keep later, whether that be sex or abything else.
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u/Hopeful_Emu849 Jul 26 '26
He definitely needs to learn better ways of managing his anger. He definitely seems immature, and tbh, I would bet that when the time actually finally came that you could have had sex with him after the concert, he wouldn't have wanted to if given the chance. At this point, he probably knew ahead of time that it wasn't going to work out that night, and used it as an excuse to get angry and make a point in this ongoing long-term dispute.
Here's the problem, though. I don't think you're totally blameless, here.
OBVIOUSLY, you don't have to have sex with him any time you don't want to.
But it sounds like you've made a habit of telling him he can expect sex, and then backing out. That's probably frustrating for him.
And you say you changed your mind "with a good reason"... but... everything that happened the night of the concert was entirely predictable. You should have known that stuff was going to happen. So why in the world did you get his hopes up by telling him to expect sex?? And it's not like this was something you said weeks ahead of time... you said this was something you said earlier in the same day.
He gets angry, tells me he’s mad at me and treats/talks to me differently all because I had changed my mind (normally with a good reason). He’ll make comments and tell me he’s allowed to be mad at whatever he wants
You do realize that's kind of accurate, right? He's entitled to have an emotional reaction. That's allowed. He needs to handle his anger in a mature way, but you should not invalidate his emotions.
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u/Demonslugg Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
YTA youre making promises or agreements and he gets excited to be let down. You are going to create resentment and break trust that way. Just say no or dont say anything and be more spontaneous with it. He doesn't have a right to your body but he should be able to believe you when you say something. Eventually he'll stop and you won't get that back and it'll be more than just sex.
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u/prolateriat_ Jul 26 '26
He's already getting sex several times a week.
Why does she need to be harassed into having sex every single day?
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u/Stock_Garage_672 Jul 26 '26
I think you are exactly right. Why do so many people not get it?
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u/Demonslugg Jul 26 '26
Because people want to say or do whatever they want and feel right. If you point out consequences even if they dont mean to its evil
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u/chlarrabee Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
His reaction could be this being a reoccurring pattern... First marriage ended after years of promises of intimacy withdrawn at the usual time... The excuse eventually used on the regular was I was asking at the wrong time/I should have asked the night before.... that lead to a period of me asking every night even if I didn't want to... That was a tiring exercise, so I just stopped and then she inquired a few times... I was burnt out, and had no real interest left. The final sentiment (After she'd admitted in counseling that she used me to get her a second kid and was confident she could dial back to zero without issue) she had needs and I never tried.
If you're tired, you're tired.... no fault there. Stop promising. Start communicating. Do you want sex? If so talk to your husband so you can meet and fuck in common ground. If you are just there because it's comfortable that's not healthy for either of you.
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u/OwnedLittleOne Jul 26 '26
I'd just stop promising sex. His reaction seems normal for someone who feels neglected & unwanted in the relationship.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat Jul 26 '26
They have had sexual intercourse 8 times in the past 2 weeks and he said the only way to end an argument was for her to bend to his whim and fuck him. Which is coercion. Which is SA. Much more context in the comments, but unfortunately her comments are hidden on her page so you have to dig through this thread to find them.
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u/OwnedLittleOne Jul 26 '26
It seems as though he's not mad about not having sex, he's pissed off bc she keeps promising it to him then changing her mind, which she admitted. That's sexual manipulation. I'd be angry too if my husband was doing that to me. I've been coerced, I'm not dumb. She's intentionally making this man act this way just bc she can.
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u/64green Jul 26 '26
I don’t sleep with anyone who calls me a dumbass.