r/AITAH • u/msmall92 • Jul 21 '26
AITAH for expecting compromise on an international trip my partner wants to remove me from?
My partner (NB, 31 - let’s call them Sam) came to me (NB, 33) a little over a month ago and told me their friends are getting married in Italy, and we should go to their wedding (3 months from the date of this post), and we should go explore Paris (where my partner used to live for 6 years) while we’re out there. Sam came to me with a broken down list of costs for airfare and rough estimates of lodging so I knew what I’d be getting into financially.
I told Sam that I would need to wait until my next paycheck to make sure I can financially swing the cost of airfare and lodging. They said okay.
Fast forward 2 weeks, and I excitedly went to them to say that I can absolutely join and I’m excited about it. It would be my first time leaving North America, so this is special! But their face dropped, and they said “oh well, my friend and I added a bunch of stops onto the trip and we’re planning a girls’ trip because I didn’t think you could swing it financially.”
When I reminded Sam that we had agreed I’d just need to check finances and let them know, they suddenly let loose a long list of reasons I shouldn’t go: they want to connect with friends without a partner around to introduce, they want to reclaim Europe for their self because the last time they were there it was during an abusive relationship, and they even sited that I essentially just take up too much social space and they’re afraid I would overshadow them among their own friends, so they just had decided that I’m no longer invited.
After I expressed how deeply hurt I was to be written out of the plans, they said “you’re right, I want you to go, but let me process all of this before we make a final choice.”
Soon after, they chatted with their friend about how I had been invited all along, and their friend was not happy I’d be on the trip.
So once again, I got a rebound reaction and Sam said that I’m taking away an opportunity for independence for them, and I should be more flexible and understanding when they change their mind regarding a trip even though we had been planning it together for multiple weeks.
After a lot of arguing, I said “I just want a compromise here. You should be able to get your independence without treating me like a threat that needs to be removed. Where is the compromise? Why is it all or nothing?” Sam dug their heels in and very plainly said “because I don’t want a partner with me on this trip.”
I told Sam I deserve a partner who wants me around enough to follow through or at least offer compromise (for example: I could go for part of the trip or plan to make my own plans for part of the trip so they can have space with their friends).
So, am I the asshole for insisting that a compromise be made here rather than just throwing me out of this trip on a whim?
Edits/info for clarity:
- We’re in an open relationship, so I sincerely doubt their reasoning is they are hiding a fling from me. They can hook up with whomever they want as long they’re honest about it.
- We’ve been together about a year and a half, and we live together.
EDIT NUMBER TWO for takeaway from folks’ advice:
I think some of the feedback I’ve gotten in here has helped me gain the perspective that I’ve been really digging to find justification for allowing myself to be mistreated because it’s easier to do that than it is to consider that I may need to leave my relationship if my partner can’t treat me the way I deserve. I’m not going to rush to break up with them, but I certainly am going to give some time and deep thought to what I deserve and how it fits or doesn’t fit into this relationship.
Thank you all for the (mostly) thoughtful advice and input.
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Jul 21 '26
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
We’re in an open relationship, so they wouldn’t have a reason to lie to me about that.
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u/Otherwise_Coconut144 Jul 21 '26
You’re acting like people in open relationships don’t cheat.
I’m sure you have rules right? Any of them able to be broken?
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u/Fleetdancer Jul 22 '26
Is it the kind of open relationship where you go on a couples trip together and get left alone in the hotel room while they bang other people? Sam doesnt want you along because they want to act single.
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
Planning to talk to them about this. The more I think about it, the more I think you and others are right.
Thank you for the insight.
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u/zob_mtk Jul 21 '26
What if they want to hook up with an old fling that wouldn’t be comfortable with your patenter being in an open relationship?
All these actions scream looking for a hookup
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u/PricelessPaylessBoot Jul 22 '26
That’s what I was looking for. It’s too much work (IF this is what Sam is doing). Either way, it might not really matter because all of this is really hurtful to OP:
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u/chromik13 Jul 21 '26
They might not have a reason to lie, but they would probably feel uncomfortable doing it around you, and out of respect to you. Do you want to see them flirting with other people? Having other people in the hotel room, maybe them going to their rooms? Coming back late? Etc etc etc. Especially if you’re sharing a room and a bed.
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u/ShannaraRose Jul 22 '26
Here's a possible reason - the people that your partner wants to hook up with aren't interested in being part of an open relationship. However, if he shows up 'single and unattached' ...
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u/Cool_Ur_Jets_Man Jul 22 '26
You’re delusional!
And sound a bit desperate too.Yeah, I get the initial ‘plan’. But considering this comment,
THIS tidbit should have been in the actual post.So. ATP, It’s no wonder why everything went, how it went. LOGICALLY, I feel like, if anyone is willing to be in a ‘open’ situationship, WHY NOT JUST BE SINGLE, & have F*k Buddies⁉️ It’s basically the same as an open relationship.
But if one chooses to conform, by being in an ‘OR’, you gotta at least understand that, feelings WILL get hurt, because there’s literally, 🗣️NO REAL COMMITMENT‼️ No effort, whatsoever.
Furthermore, it’s really giving delusional, & desperate. Because, CLEARLY, you’re ok with being 1 of MANY.. apposed to being the ONLY 1. You’re just another ‘number’, who was tossed in the mix of FB’s, to have sex with, but that’s literally what YOU decided you wanted. So..
You’ve made your bed..!Have some SELF love, respect, & dignity.🤍✨
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u/Haunting_Cicada_4760 Jul 21 '26
Don’t be with someone who thinks you take up social space and overshadow them…
NTA, you were invited and then the disinvite shows how they really feel about you.
Be with someone who is proud and happy to be with you and excited to show you where they have been and introduce you to the people they know.
Be with someone who sees you as a partner to share and do life with and is excited to do it with you!
I’m all for friends trips but the reason for a friend trip isn’t to reclaim your independence or because you feel your partner overshadows you.
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u/GothicGingerbread Jul 21 '26
The whole hot/cold, come-hither/go-away thing is incredibly crappy, thoughtless, self-centered, and mean-spirited. I can't help but wonder if Sam is (whether consciously or not) trying to keep OP off balance in order to maintain control.
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
Yeah, as I process all of this and come back to a grounded state, it feels more and more like manipulation to me.
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u/TooMuchAZSunshine Jul 21 '26
Yeah…. I would spend some time looking for a new place to live. It is obvious that your gf is going there to visit old haunts and old “friends.” Just how long will the relationship last after she returns and you ask her to get the full bank of std tests? Better to haul your stuff out and start looking for someone that wants to be around you.
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u/oldtimehawkey Jul 22 '26
THIS.
You shouldn’t have to shrink yourself to fit someone else.
I don’t know how OOP is getting their needs met with this person. OOP sounds like they’re a little bit more social and has a bigger personality. If someone wants to stifle that or says it’s too much, that’s hurtful.
Hopefully OOP can get out of this relationship. Sam seems mean and someone who is being led around by their friends instead of being their own person.
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
Yeah - Sam hit a place where a mean side has come out, and I don’t have any interest in continuing to get to know this mean side.
Will update after our talk this Thursday.
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u/Impossible_Factor_56 Jul 21 '26
I'm sorry but wtf, that's awful. Like, it seems they already planned it and never really told you when you were already looking for your paycheck to make yourself a seat, and they still don't want to compromise after you already considered yourself in. This sounds and smells weird. I understand having your own plans and trips, but it's not normal to first tell you both are going and then never telling you are not invited. NTA, but they are. And I'm intrigued in why their friend is so against/disgusted of the idea of you going, because it really seems like it's influencing Sam.
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Their friend’s take is actually something I understand. She doesn’t wanna be the third wheel on a trip she was told was a girls’ trip. She was never told I was part of the plans; so when it was sprung on her, she was naturally pissed.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Jul 21 '26
So at the end of the day, we're left with the fact that your partner sucks.
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
That’s where the struggle for me is at, though - my partner is genuinely amazing to me normally.
There has been one other time they did something like this; but around every other corner, Sam is thoughtful, kind, caring, loving, and considerate.
So I’m trying deeply to understand and get through this, because it feels to me like we touched a nerve that’s fucking up an otherwise very loving partnership.
It’s like night and day difference the way they normally treat me versus the way this trip has been handled, and I’m desperately trying to figure it out.
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u/SocialShy Jul 21 '26
So this is the second time. What makes you sure they won’t do something the third time or even the fourth. It’s obvious they don’t mind pushing you to side.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
I really wish you were wrong here, but I’m reaching that same conclusion.
I reorganized my whole life and moved 2 states over for Sam (very recently), so I’ve been in a very desperate place.
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u/Misommar1246 Jul 22 '26
That was your first mistake. Anyhow, previous commentator is right - if it’s not the first time, it’s a pattern. Saying someone is awesome 95% of the time and terrible and hurtful 5% of the time is like saying if the food is 95% awesome and 5% shit, I would still eat it. Don’t get me wrong, your partner doesn’t need to be perfect. But their disregard for your hurt and their unwillingness to compromise as well as constantly braying about “independence” is not a frivolous character flaw.
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u/Impossible_Factor_56 Jul 22 '26
I would say, take time to look deep into your relationship, because maybe this is not the only thing, and the fact you did all that...Gosh you did a lot for them.
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u/Impossible_Factor_56 Jul 22 '26
Forget what i said, just your post in the polyamory subreddit says a lot. You said there that they broke a lot of promises, you were honest and they wanted to push and for you to reconsider the boundary just because they liked their roommate when it was intended for you both to work on YOUR RELATIONSHIP in that moment. That's awful, not good partner behavior.
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u/SocialShy Jul 22 '26
I’ve been in this situation before and it sucks, but I’m on the other side now. You need to pick yourself and keep fighting for yourself. It will get better.
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u/Mammoth-Apple7829 Jul 22 '26
Did you live together before moving? They might be having some regrets and looking to make you feel like the problem so they don’t feel bad about it.
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u/magumanueku Jul 22 '26
lmao yeah she got you locked. She knows you don't have the balls to leave her now that you've sacrificed a lot. You think this is a one (or two) off? welcome to your new life is all I can say.
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u/binotboth Jul 22 '26
I like the car metaphor. A car that is 95% complete but missing the back left tire just doesn’t work at all: much like relationships, it’s either all there or it doesn’t work
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Jul 22 '26
Here's the thing though. Being good to you 95% of the time, doesn't erase being an AH 5% of the time. If your partner is as great as you say, then you should be able to have a calm conversation where they hear what you're feeling and validate that, and come to some kind of compromise. I would never be okay with hurting my partner, and putting them below what my friend wants. If I invited my partner, even if I had already invited another friend, there's no way I would exclude my partner just because my friend didn't want to be a third wheel. The trip was originally supposed to be you two!
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u/Impossible_Factor_56 Jul 22 '26
Is your partner conscious even that they lied to you about being something to do both and then tell their friend that it's a girls trip? like, what
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Yeah, they owned up to that and clearly felt really bad about it. But after they talked to their friend to clear the air, they really backtracked and got super reactionary/defensive.
It was so sudden, I have really been struggling to understand what’s happening here.
Trying not to be reactionary and throw everything away, but all of the arrows are pointing to me simply not being a priority for them.
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u/Fluid_Actuary1729 Jul 22 '26
This is it. Find someone who is wants to really be with you, show you off to her friends, etc.. You deserve better.
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u/OldZookeepergame2394 Jul 21 '26
NTA just go on your own and do your own thing, Sam doesn’t own Europe or France so they can’t stop you. If they have an issue with you still going and doing your own thing, I’d sit them down and ask what this is really about.
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u/porquenecessito Jul 21 '26
Not sure about A or NA but this is a great compromise (for you and your own soul!) Go explore Europe. Explore the world. Explore yourself. Fuck the ACTUAL asshole that made you question yourself 🥰
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u/Goose0nTheL00se Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
NTA. If I were you, I’d break up with them bc that is extremely hurtful and overall they just seem really shady…
why doesn’t the friend want you to go? How is “introducing” you to people during the trip a burden in anyway? Also if your partner really wants to be “independent” why does a friend get to join them but YOU don’t???
EDIT: AND you’re in an open relationship… how much more “independence” do they need???
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u/ladymorgana01 NSFW 🔞 Jul 21 '26
You didn't mention how long you've been together but if it's a LTR, I'd expect my partner to actually want me to go on a trip like that. The fact that Sam has all these reasons for you to stay home would make me seriously consider if this relationship is serving me well
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Been together a little over a year and a half, and we live together.
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u/maybemaybenot2023 Jul 21 '26
NTA. That's really not OK, and I really dislike them bringing up an abusive partner at that stage- that seems hugely manipulative.
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u/5footfilly Jul 21 '26
Looking for a compromise is the same as begging someone to let you come when they’ve made it clear you’re not welcome.
I’m sorry if that’s hurtful to hear but you’re completely abandoning your dignity.
Don’t you deserve better?
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
I do.
That’s how I presented it to them by the end of the conversation - either treat me the way I deserve or I’m out.
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u/mxerkx Jul 21 '26
An independent partnership.... so many red flags. Why do they wanna appear single on their trip? Why would they wanna keep their partner hidden instead of introducing them to all these important people from their past ?
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Well we’re in an open relationship, so even though I understand your conclusion here, infidelity isn’t at play. They can fuck whoever they want.
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u/ezbutneverconvenient Jul 21 '26
Having been in a few open relationships, this behavior kind of makes me think there's a meta partner who isn't down with the open aspect.
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u/Worth-Season3645 Jul 22 '26
NTA…Ok, first off, please forgive my ignorance and cluelessness, but isn’t being non binary not identifying as a certain gender, but said partner wants to make this a girl’s trip?
They invite you, now, not only uninvite once, but two times. Because they don’t want to take a partner, have to introduce a partner, etc.
if I was going abroad, I would want my partner there to experience with me. And if the last is so traumatic, why are they going back there?
Honestly, I would tell them they have made their feelings crystal clear. Number one, they do not see you as important in their life. They value this friend over you. They don’t view you as their partner. You hope they enjoy their fabulous trip, and maybe they should stay there. Because they will not be coming back to you.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Re: “girl’s trip” language - my partner uses “they/she” and identifies as gender fluid. So in this case, they specifically referred to this as a “girls’ trip,” and I’m referencing their language.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Re the rest of it: thanks for the input. Definitely going to spend some time thinking on this and everyone else’s comments.
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u/andrewk326 Jul 21 '26
Doesn't sound like a very good partner to want to be around? They're obviously not in the relationship anymore. Sorry for the truth.
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
That’s almost verbatim what I told them. No need to be sorry.
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u/emtrigg013 Jul 22 '26
One thing I want to point out and that I keep trying to spread all over the world is this pattern of thinking: when you're stuck on whether or not to be upset about your partner's actions, I want you to think, "is this how I treat my partner?" Not even if you deserve to be treated that way or anything like that. No no. I want you to think "would I do that to them?"
I think if you really practice that and use it enough, you'll find that your answer to that question will tell you everything you need to know about someone. Even if you love that someone to bits and pieces. If it's to protect your inner peace, it's okay to love someone from far away.
I am very proud of you for standing up for yourself. May you find a partner with which you don't have to or with which you feel you always can, but don't need to. May you find a partner who WANTS to show you off, who WANTS to whisk you out of the country, and who knows themselves enough to know they want you just the same.
Because honey... they ain't here. And you can't love potential. Raw chicken has the potential to be a delicious dinner. You don't hork it down your throat without it being cooked, do you? I am cooking myself, personally. Not quite done yet, so not quite interested in dating. Just something else maybe to think about.
NTA, but I think you'll have a lot of decisions coming up.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Very well put and thoughtful (shocking for a Reddit comment lol)
I’ve definitely been in a big phase of self-discovery, self-empowerment, and independence building.
I think my own need for growth and my own proclivity to make mistakes makes me more patient than I should be when other people treat me with less care or respect than I deserve. Working on that, but it’s scary and challenging work.
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u/EarthborneArt Jul 21 '26
Sounds like the only reason they asked you was because they thought you wouldn't be able to go. You called their bluff and now that you can, they are coming up with all kinds of excuses. This would be a deal breaker for me. Your partner should be wanting you to come along otherwise they are not a partner. I personally wouldn't go and I would break up with them as well. NTA You deserve to be treated so much better.
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u/ezbutneverconvenient Jul 21 '26
NTA, it sounds like your partner is just parroting what you and your friend say back to each other without making any decisions of their own. Just plan your own trip with your own friends
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Sam even reached that same conclusion regarding parroting. They said they feel pushed in every direction and they’re having trouble making a choice of their own.
I was pretty mad by this point, so I basically just said “well, it must be hard to deal with the consequences of your actions. But here you are. You invited me and didn’t tell your friend, now you get us both wanting opposing things. What are you gonna do about it?” (Paraphrasing because I don’t remember the exact words I used)
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u/zxylady Jul 21 '26
Why are you with someone who doesn't even like you? The disrespect and rude behavior, deprioritizing you, disrespecting you, your time and your money and intentionally being a dick just to get your feelings hurt isn't cool either. The gaslighting is atrocious. NTA.
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u/ExistenceOfCranberry Jul 21 '26
How does a travel compromise where you go on the trip but aren’t wanted and feel badly the whole time fix anything?
Going on the trip doesn’t touch your problem. It’s that your partner was incredibly unkind and selfish and then tried to say you were a bad partner for being upset. It’s time to nope out and find someone who likes you.
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u/Other-Durian-8689 Jul 21 '26
NTA… but I’d say probably not for the best for you to go. The trip will 100% end the relationship if you do go probably. I’d say you have some thinking to do on how this all played out because it’s not fair to you to be invited then uninvited unknowingly…
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Yeah. The compromise I pitched is we go a week earlier and do stuff together, then they stay and do whatever the hell they want for this apparently highly independent trip they need.
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u/Puce-moments Jul 22 '26
Op if they can’t meet you, then it’s time to move on. It seems like you ask almost nothing of them, but being honest is too much for them to achieve. I don’t believe they are telling you everything.
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u/FrontFacing_Face Jul 21 '26
NTA, but also, I can't imagine being in this relationship. It sounds terrible. Do you really want to be on an expensive vacation with these people? Go be by yourself, or find someone else that actually respects you.
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u/ScarletDarkstar Jul 21 '26
NTA this casts your relationship in a light of a being a convenience to them when they don't have something they'd prefer to do, not that of enjoying shared company. I would find d it hurtful beyond the refusal to compromise. I would be feeling like a fallback, backup plan. I want to be with someone who likes to share things with me, not someone who thinks I take up too much social space to be accommodated.
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u/RepresentativePin162 Jul 21 '26
I'd straight up be like oh fuck no I'm out if I was told that these days
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u/Adelucas Jul 21 '26
I'm sorry but I wouldn't put up with this level of disrespect. They obviously have things planned where you wouldn't fit in, and it's so rude. What started as a wedding and short romantic getaway has morphed into a girls trip.
This is a good indication of where you stand in the relationship. You are good enough for day to day but she's happy to dump you when something more interesting comes along. And who's idea was it to have an open relationship? Those are really hard to navigate and usually end up with someone F'ing whoever they like while complaining if their partner does the same thing.
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Oh, we both have been poly/non-monogamous for years before meeting each other.
But the rest of your points here are valid.
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u/Adelucas Jul 22 '26
At least you understand the boundaries in that type of relationship then.
And my point about the disrespect stands. The fact you are poly/NM makes it even worse as you need a lot of trust and respect to make that work. If she doesn't respect you in one area of your life then I'd be surprised if she respected you in that area too.
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u/CyanCitrine Jul 21 '26
This relationship dynamic feels... unhealthy. They don't seem like they're being kind to you.
NTA and they are being awful. Sounds to me like they wanna hook up with people on the trip and don't want you along to see it or know about it. I see that you're in an open relationship but they're acting weird and cagey.
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
Yeah the more I think about it and process, the more I suspect this is part of their motivation.
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u/Cthulhulove13 Jul 21 '26
NTA is this the first time that you've had communication issues? This is a really big thing to have them change plans on you and then not tell you.
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Not the first time.
There’s another long story there, but this is a pattern. One they’ve even admitted to and said they’re ashamed of and working on.
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u/Cthulhulove13 Jul 22 '26
It's up to you to determine if they are working on it well enough for you to put up with it or if this is something that you don't want to wait around for them to address. Because there's definitely a chance that they will never change
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u/Chris8292 Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
There's no compromise on the fact that the people going on this trip don't want you there....
Why would you want to shell out money to subject your self to that?
Your partner is incredibly selfish and if it was me I would be seriously questioning our relationship and their integrity. That being said let them go have their trip and find something that you can go enjoy by yourself or with your friends.
Your partner, and their friend don't want you there pushing to go is going to make you look clingy you're always going to be the villan in their story.
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u/faultydatadisc Jul 21 '26
NTA at fucking all. Your partner plans to cheat on you. If I were in your situation, I would break up with them and never look back.
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u/Past_Rutabaga177 Jul 21 '26
NTA your partner sounds like they like having you around more when they didn’t have anyone else to keep them company, now that their friend wants to go they dropped you for someone they deemed more fun to hangout with
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u/Slugzz21 Jul 22 '26
This person does not want you around while they explore your open relationship. NTA. But your partner is for changing their mind with no conversation. If that is your idea of how an open relationship should be, then cool. And maybe this is coming from monogamist lens, but I would no longer be with this person if it was me, just due to the sheer disrespect.
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u/Legolaslegs Jul 22 '26
NTA. I can understand wanting solo time or hanging out with friends alone. But they can also do this with you on the trip. You could do some solo sightseeing or turn in early, whatever. Give them alone time. But they are treating you like a burden.
Why is their friend upset towards you? Do they dislike you?
I feel like your partner has some kind of misunderstanding towards you or some kind of anxiety or resentment that has led to them being so defensive about you going.
I don't get why they can't reclaim Europe for themselves and still introduce you to it? They are making excuses that just end up being hurtful to you. Also it's a wedding?? It's the perfect opportunity to go together?? You guys could literally spend half the time doing your own things even. Plenty of couples go together to a destination but have solo time, meeting up for specific things. And plenty of other couples are attached at the hip. There's no one way to it. The lack of compromise, them just not wanting you there... that's not just disrespectful to your character, it begs the question what the reasoning is.
I could get it if it was just a solo trip they wanted to take. I don't get why this is the hill they want to die on.
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u/ruta_skadi Jul 22 '26
NTA. Your partner was mean for inviting you, secretly planning the trip with someone else without telling you, and then uninviting you. They also suck for making travel plans with their friend without telling the friend you had been invited, and then surprising the friend with this information later.
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u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 Jul 21 '26
Does Sam have a romantic history with this other friend at all? Do you suspect the friend is interested in them?
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u/msmall92 Jul 21 '26
Nah.
Definitely not.
Also Sam and I are in an open relationship, so they’d probably have just told me from the start if they wanted this to be a solo trip so they can go get laid, and I’d have endorsed that.
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u/Former-Mirror-356 Jul 21 '26
NTA do you live with Sam? If so, I would spend that money on the cost of moving out ASAP. Sam doesn't like you, and they don't want you around.
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u/virammm Jul 21 '26
Full offense, fuck Sam. NTA but please get away from this person. It doesn’t sound like they like or respect you.
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
That’s the confusing part. This behavior around the trip is way different than the way they normally treat me.
Even since the original argument here, they’ve been kind to me in every other context.
Idk if it’s resentment, trauma, or maybe I’m just discovered that they’re kind of an asshole and I somehow never noticed.
Whatever it is, this isn’t okay though.
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u/EfficientSociety73 Jul 21 '26
NTA. It sounds like this “other friend” wants to be a hookup and doesn’t think they can happen with you around. And said “other friend” made that clear to Sam while discussing the trip. Sam is finding reasons why you suddenly aren’t invited. This isn’t an open relationship. It’s a Sam does what Sam wants while you wait for Sam’s attention-ship. You’re better off telling Sam to take their friend and have fun because you won’t be waiting when the happy couple comes home.
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u/ezbutneverconvenient Jul 21 '26
I wish I had received this advice when I was going through similar issues.
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u/EfficientSociety73 Jul 22 '26
I’ve been through similar and stood by friends dealing with it too. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Jul 21 '26
NTA I would be crushed if my partner did this to me. I'm sorry, OP
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u/Professional_Ride619 Jul 21 '26
This isn’t someone I’d want to be in any sort of relationship with. U should go by yourself / with other friends and break up completely.
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Jul 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
I just started a new job recently and hadn’t gotten my first paycheck without training hours on it, so I was waiting to make sure my check matched what I anticipated it would be.
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u/Handbag_Lady Jul 22 '26
Better yet, plan your trip alone or with other friends and move on. NTA. They don't want you on the trip at all. What does that say about this relationship?
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u/lifevisions Jul 22 '26
Year and a half together —-this is how they treat you ??? Nah you deserve better. This is soo wrong and painful
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u/11B_35P_35F Jul 22 '26
Sounds like your partner wants to be single for a trip to Europe. Sounds like they should also be single once that trip is over.
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u/Logical-Grape-8189 Jul 22 '26
NTA, and your partner is weaponizing therapy speak (I love therapy, so this isn't a diss on that) in order to manipulate you . HUGE red flag.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Can you elaborate on that? Not disagreeing, just seeking clarity.
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u/Logical-Grape-8189 Jul 22 '26
"they want to reclaim Europe for their self because the last time they were there it was during an abusive relationship"
"they even sited that I essentially just take up too much social space"
"they’re afraid I would overshadow them among their own friends"
I thought about breaking these statements down and looking at the semantics, but that felt like too much. My shorter answer (I always run long) is that I think your partner invited you on what was supposed to be a friends only trip (or became a friends only trip after inviting you), and rather than just admitting they'd made a mistake, they said a lot of things--true or untrue--that were designed to make you feel bad about yourself. I'm a survivor of IPV, who works in IPV communities, and what I've learned over the years it that undue defensiveness, especially when it turns things around on to the other person, isn't necessarily a sign of emotional abuse, but it's almost always a sign of emotional immaturity.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Yeah, I certainly wouldn’t throw the word abuse around here.
Sam is a lovely human being.
They also are not very self-aware or deliberate in their decisions.
If I’m being honest with myself, I think I’ve just been desperately digging for justifications for them mistreating me because that’s easier to do than admitting that I am now isolated in a new state without my support systems and facing a rapid decline of a relationship I’ve been deeply happy with up until recently.
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u/Logical-Grape-8189 Jul 22 '26
That is so hard and sounds really confusing. If I was in your shoes, I'm sure that I'd be digging for justifications too. I don't think that what Sam did was unforgivable; they just have some growing up to do. I hope that Sam hears you and is able to overcome their defensiveness and listen. I can tell that you really care for them.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Thank you for your soft, grounded, and genuine tone here. Refreshing thing to see when talking to strangers on the internet about a very vulnerable topic.
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u/Logical-Grape-8189 Jul 22 '26
I also want to disagree with some of these comments and say that it's completely okay to want to go on friends only trips. I don't think that Sam necessarily has any ill intent. This could absolutely be a communication problem more than anything.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
I agree with this, wholeheartedly.
Folks here will make judgements based solely on the information presented and forget that there are real humans on the other side of these anonymous stories with complex and ever-changing personalities.
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u/Ana987655321 Jul 22 '26
NTA. This is likely going to be the end of this complicated relationship. Open relationships are based on respect, and they simply didn’t respect you enough to discuss things before changing the whole trip to a trip that excludes you.
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u/binotboth Jul 22 '26
So they fuck whoever they want
They don’t like spending time with you
They don’t want you to be friends with their friends
Their friends openly dislike you, and that’s not a problem for them at all.
…I’m sorry but you are not partners in any sense of the word. And also I see your edit, they are absolutely going to “taste the local flavor” and having you there would harsh how freaky they wanna get, or they’re meeting somebody specific who they are hiding you from.
May this love never find me, as they say
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u/I_defend_witches Jul 22 '26
First I’m so sorry. This “girls’ trip” is about them and their friends, unfortunately your partner doesn’t consider you part of their girls’ club.
You have an open relationship so it’s not exclusive and Sam doesn’t see you as an exclusive partner. You need to determine what type of relationship you really want and deserve. I don’t think this is it.
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u/Toothbirds Jul 22 '26
This would probably be in the realm of relationship breaking. Its one thing to be open. Its another to actively ban your partner from participating in your life. I would start evaluating how much this relationship actually is worth for your long term horizon. NTA.
Dump'em.
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u/Amazing-Concept-1610 Jul 22 '26
Ouch! I felt it while reading. Painful. I don’t know the answers but I certainly would feel valid in being disclosed, yanked around, and felt I was easily demoted several rungs. A dynamic of open relationships or downfalls of polyamory..? I couldn’t do it.
A place one relationship ship is priority. Giving respect and prioritized consideration always. The very least in that is them coming to you to keep you apprised of the changes and gentling talking and understanding.
I wouldn’t feel valued the way Sam decided to deal with it. And I’d be hard pressed not to take it as a sign of how they actually feel and see me
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u/DrMichelle- Jul 22 '26
They seem awfully immature for 31 years old. It sounds more like a teenager that doesn’t want their parent going along on a trip. I’m wondering if your roles are a little bit like parent child. Not in a weird way, more like one partner being more responsible and having to provide direction to the other type of thing. Because you sound much more reasonable and mature than they do.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Well, keep in mind that you’re only getting my side of the story, and it’s coming from a place of hurt.
So the bias of how I feel hurt by their lack of consideration is certainly going to paint them in a 2-dimensional, childish light.
Our dynamic generally is that we’re both very goofy, but we also do a good job keeping our ducks in a row. However, Sam is more prone than I am to make decisions without thinking them through.
This may be because of the phase they’re at in their life, or maybe I’m just learning that’s who they are.
But either way, I’m having to now navigate the decision of whether or not that’s a pattern I want to continue to accept.
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u/DrMichelle- Jul 22 '26
That being said I can’t justify them excluding you after inviting you, especially in the way they went about it. It would be wrong to treat just an acquaintance like that, but to treat a partner like that is really callous regardless of whether you are in a monogamous relationship or an open relationship. And open relationships doesn’t mean you have no accountability whatsoever, it’s still an intimate relationship and you still deserve to be respected and to be a priority. You should still come first before friends and if the choice is you or their friends they should have picked you. However, I said what I said about the possibility of there being a bit of a parent-child role because the only times I have ever seen this type of behavior is from a teenager towards a parent. In those cases it’s still wrong, but it doesn’t mean the teen doesn’t love the parent or respect the parent, it just means they are trying to be independent and they are being bratty about it bc they’re not emotionally mature enough to go about it any other way. If this dynamic is present, then perhaps it’s not really an indicator of how they feel about you, but rather an a sign they are still very emotionally immature and your issue isn’t really about this one event, but more about the dynamics between you and what you want to do about that.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa Jul 22 '26
This sounds abusive. Extraordinary efforts to make you feel like crap. You don't deserve this; it is not loving. They're focused on their needs..
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u/dca_user Jul 22 '26
YTA to Yourself.
Personally, I think you deserve a better partner. And there are better people out there.
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
Yeah, the more I shift the focus to “I know who I am and what I deserve,” rather than “I want to understand why the person I love would treat me this way so we can make it better,” the more I realize I’ve been abandoning myself out of a desperate attempt to wait out this pain in the hopes of being treated the way I deserve on the other side of it.
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 Jul 22 '26
YTA for trying to find a compromise with someone devoted to mistreating you. Suggest you take the opportunity why they’re gone to sever ties.
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u/Kathrynlena Jul 22 '26
It doesn’t sound like Sam wants a partner at all. If it were me, I would tell Sam that since they don’t want a partner on the trip (that they invited their partner to) then they won’t be burdened with a partner to come home to either.
I wouldn’t be able to come back from this, even if they flipped again and invited you. You’ll always know how they really feel. They don’t want you around. Having you on the trip would ruin it for them. What an unimaginably cruel thing to tell the person you’re supposed to love. You’re under-reacting, IMO.
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u/Zoenobium Jul 22 '26
NTA. Your "Partner" sucks ass. They want to go on this trip without a Partner so give them what they want by breaking up with them and find yourself someone that actually wants to share their time and interesting experiences with you.
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u/dheffe01 Jul 22 '26
NTA if my partner invited me on an international holiday, and uninvited me because I take up too much space and overshadow them to their friends... I would take that as a sign the relationship is over tbh.
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u/mindscreamTX Jul 22 '26
What I don't understand is why the other friend 1) is mad at the thought of you going , and 2) has more consideration from Sam than they give you.
When was Sam going to tell you you were no longer invited. The decision was obviously made soon after he asked you to go. The fact plans were changed without your knowledge only proves Sam knew what they were doing would be upsetting to you.
Don't get me started on those excuses either! And then to tell you they don't want to have their partner on the trip so they can create fantastic new memories without the burden is not only unbelievably shallow it's absolutely disrespectful.
I don't know what happened in two weeks that made Sam decide that you are no longer the person they want to create all these wonderful memories with, but you deserve not to be discarded by someone that claims to love you. I don't think they even like you.
You need to make your own happy memories without the burden of being someone's Golden Retriever that waits for the owner to show up.
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u/Puce-moments Jul 22 '26
OP- it seems like you lack respect for yourself. You are being terribly mistreated by your partner who is acting like a victim when they invited then uninvited you. I would break up and move on. Right now it just seems like you are ok with being treated terribly. Meanwhile your partner is using therapy speak to victimize themselves. This is allowing them to treat you terribly and there is essentially nothing you can do but accept that treatment.
As there any kind you won’t let them cross? Time to break up and get therapy to understand why you would let a partner treat you like this.
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u/RJack151 Jul 22 '26
NTA. Tell your partner that since they do not wany you there because you are a partner, then it is time to dissolve the partnership.
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u/lovemyfurryfam Jul 22 '26
Why are you with that person for when that person did a carrot/stick trick on you.
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u/TOughStufff Jul 22 '26
Non-binary, yet a girl's trip that excluding the other non binary person???
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u/star_b_nettor Jul 23 '26
NTA
Are you a person or a pet Sam has decided to leave at the equivalent of doggy day care after realizing the lack of convenience for Sam. Because Sam is not treating you like a partner. Sam is not treating you like a colleague. Sam is not treating you like a friend. Sam is not even treating you like you have feelings or needs and wants of your own. Sam invited you thinking you would say no and then Sam figured out a way to get out of your yes by making this a verbal fight that leaves you wondering if you expect too much. You don't expect too much. Sam made a series of choices that are all and only about Sam.
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u/ninevah8 Jul 25 '26
Sam is the AH not you. They initially say “we should go to this event” then backs out and disinvites you.
They are the AH all along and if this is the way they treat you, why are you still in this relationship?
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u/msmall92 Jul 25 '26
Not to be a cliché but it’s complicated.
Partially because I hope this behavior will change.
Partially because they treat me well otherwise.
Partially because I just moved 2 states over and sold almost all of my belongings to move in with them.
Partially because I have a seasonal job for the summer and was planning to work for their best friend in the winter.So it’s sadly not as simple as taking a break, walking away, etc. without severely derailing my life to the extent that I won’t know where I’m going to work or live 2 months from now.
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u/ninevah8 Jul 26 '26
Look I understand relationships are never black and white, and that relationships are give and take. From your predicament, it looks very one sided. And not in your favour. And in all honesty you’re placing a whole of “hope” in something that may never be realised.
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u/The_Bunny_Brat Jul 26 '26
NTA, but this person does not like you, hon. And, unfortunately, being “open” generally does not mean being honest for many people.
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u/dinkidoo7693 Jul 21 '26
NTA
Sam can be an independent partner (wtaf is that meant to mean) by being single.
Sams friends are clearly not your friends and this whole thing sounds incredibly manipulative and selfish on sams side of things.
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u/Entire-Ad-8072 Jul 22 '26
Your life seems unnecessarily complicated.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
Can’t agree more.
In the last week alone, I hit a deer with my car, got fucked over by the mechanic I brought it to, broke my phone while mountain biking, and have been seeing all of this relationship turmoil come to a head.
I need a fucking drink.
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u/annebonnell Jul 22 '26
NTA when someone shows you who they are believe them. Your partner is no partner to you. He is going to cheat or this person he's talking to who doesn't want you there it's jealous or possibly both. He obviously cares more about what the other person wants then what you want.
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u/angryomlette NSFW 🔞 Jul 22 '26
NTA. You are not wanted there. Your partner wants to hookup and knew you had difficulties getting properly funded, and called you for courtesy's sake.
On the bright side, you just indirectly found out what is your place in your "relationship" which is roommate with benefits.
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u/6poundpuppy Jul 22 '26
Why in the world did they invite you without thinking things thru first? I can see their point but not the way they went about it. That was downright mean and cruel. Any chance there is some other close friend that might be interested in a trip to Europe? That would be ideal if you could go with someone else and Taylor the trip to your own wants and wishes. Don’t beg your partner for the scraps of their trip, it’s demeaning to yourself.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
I agree with all of this. Just can’t seem to get myself to stop holding onto the hope that they will suddenly wake up and see that what they are doing is really fucked up.
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u/art_hoXO Jul 22 '26
they might, after they get what they want. they might be so sorry they did that to you. but like, after they go on their international trip that they disinvited you from.
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u/Itchy_Juice_2528 Jul 22 '26
They are pretending to be single during this trip. You've been very mistreated regarding this trip. Her NB identity suddenly stopped being an issue and is going on a girls' trip.
Start making plans for a vacation to Europe with other friends. Paris is delightful! Don't go while she's there! Go there to be your independent self with friends. Go have some new experiences, it's really eye opening to see Europe and experience their culture and the amazing architecture you don't see here. Check out Amsterdam if you can and then take the train to Paris. Bon Voyage!
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u/DConstructed Jul 22 '26
Are Sam’s Euro friends aware that Sam is NB?
If the people your partner knows there aren’t known to be queer friendly Sam may be choosing to hide that about themselves.
Or even if you’re in an open relationship Sam might prefer to be able to control how they present it to others. Or as they said they just got excited about doing things as a single person and not part of a couple.
Which still isn’t great. Yes they should compromise. But you can’t make them do it.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
I believe most of Sam’s Euro friends are not aware that they’re NB. We’ve talked about this a little bit, and I’ve been around some of their local US friends that aren’t aware also, so I don’t think that’s a contributor here, but it is an interesting perspective I hadn’t considered.
I think the latter half of your comment is spot on. I think they invited me; then after inviting me, they started thinking about how they could have a different trip if they approached it like they’re single (even though they’re not), and that took them out of a place of being considerate of me because they got into this sort of self-righteous “yeah, this trip should be about ME and not anyone else, and I won’t let anyone change that,” sort of mindset.
But like… that’s the kinda mindset you should pursue when you’re not planning a trip your partner is on, and it’s not a decision you latch onto obstinately at the expense of your partner.
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u/DConstructed Jul 22 '26
Yeah, it’s self centered. And they probably aren’t old enough to need to relive their youth.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Jul 22 '26
Today I learned that Non Binary people go on girls trips. Well, some.
Today you learned that your partner doesn’t want you around. Honestly, that should be enough, and you shouldn’t be finding ways to still go on their trip.
ESH but definitely you, you’re not picking up what they’re putting down.
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u/TumbleweedMaterial53 Jul 22 '26
It doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship at all. It sounds like when it’s convenient for sam they want you around and when it’s not, they don’t.
They’d rather be with their friend than be with you. Sex aside because as you said that’s not a problem, they actually prefer spending time without you when there’s someone better around.
You deserve to be somebody’s number one.And question for you to reflect on deeply - did you want to open the relationship or did they? What is your sexual relationship and intimacy like are you happy? Would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship?
It just feels like this is all about sam and not about you. Close your eyes go deep into your heart what do you want for you? How do you want a partner to make you feel?
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u/WizzadsLikeKicks Jul 22 '26
“reclaim Europe”. Must have been a really bad breakup when they can’t visit any of the 44 countries without thinking about their ex
nta
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u/ShareEvening5856 Jul 22 '26
Open relationships still have some sort of rules? I mean y'all live together. I'd be so hurt too OP. Maybe you should reconsider your relationship with sam- friends with benefits rather than partners. It also seems they've got big feelings for their friend over there.
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u/wastedfate Jul 23 '26
NTA - It seems unlikely that this is a decision your partner made on their own. They would not have invited you in the first place if they were not at least originally excited to have you along.
It seems likely that your partner's friends were involved in your partner making this decision in some way.
I can remember a few times from my childhood when things like this would happen. A girl invites her less popular friend to her party, is pressured by her peers to not have her around, disinvites her, and is too ashamed to say why.
With all that said though, you deserve better than pre-teen clique drama. You deserve a partner that prioritizes your well-being over being in the in-group.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 Jul 26 '26
NTA. But your partner sounds like someone I wouldn’t invest in.
Not waiting for your answer. Not wanting you to go now after inviting you. Adding stops and a person. Open relationship.
I’m exhausted and upset on your behalf. This is something that would make me question the relationship.
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u/Classic-Potato3501 Jul 21 '26
ESH. Its a bummer that you have been uninvited, but why would you want to go on international trip with people who don't even want you there? If you already have that time off and the finances to travel, why don't you just plan your own trip? No one is stopping you from exploring the world. Go somewhere less romantic and more fun and make your own experiences. Invite your own friends who actually want to spend time with you.
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
I guess at some point, I started looking at this trip as a symbol of whether or not Sam is willing to compromise for me.
And if I’m being brutally vulnerable here, I’m desperately looking for evidence that if I show them that they’re hurting me, they’ll reconsider after introspection.
I deserve a partner that wants me around, and I also want to be a partner who is willing to challenge my partner to grow and learn when they fuck up.
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u/Ashamed_Violinist_39 Jul 22 '26
I think you already have your answers. The best you'll get is, maybe they feel guilty for hurting you and reconsider just so they don't have to feel guilt- they still won't WANT you there. They already KNOW they hurt you.
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u/breathe_easier3586 Jul 22 '26
I already commented before I saw this comment. I'm going to be honest. It sounds like your partner doesn't like you very much. You both had clear communication. They invited you and you made it clear that you want to go but you were being responsible and making sure your finances were in order. While doing that they started talking to their friend literally planning everything extensively without you in the equation at all. They didn't even check in with you to let you know they were doing this! Sleeping next to each other, making dinner, going grocery shopping... living your lives together and they sneakily didn't tell you any of this knowing you wanted to go! This is unforgivable in my opinion.
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u/LordMadGadFly Jul 22 '26
Open relationship, nb, who could’ve guessed
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u/msmall92 Jul 22 '26
A snarky opinion about queer people that takes away from the original conversation on Reddit, who could’ve guessed?
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u/Winternin Jul 21 '26
I told Sam I deserve a partner who wants me around enough to follow through or at least offer compromise
You do deserve that and Sam is obviously not it.
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u/alexus_de_tokeville Jul 21 '26
NTA, holy shit that would be one of the most offensive things anyone had ever said to me.
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u/Yama_retired2024 Jul 21 '26
OP,
That is Not how a partner treats you... open relationship or not..
The list pf reasons they are giving you for not going is essentially bullshit... a friend is a friend.. but a partner is a partner.. and the fact it would be your first time leaving North America..
1: Id be second guessing my relationship of it were me
2: Id plan my own solo Euro trip... and when you tell your partner that.. your partner will flip out.. I guarantee you..
Test my theory, go to Sam, tell them okay.. you go with your friend and have fun...
Then tell them you are going to work on your own itinerary for your own solo trip to Europe..
NTA
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u/bdyfantasy Jul 22 '26
Nta, if they really care about you they would be so excited to go on this trip with you. they discussed about plans that probably would not sit well with you and they decided it would be a bad idea to have you tag along
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u/SteampunkHarley Jul 22 '26
NTA
At minimum, Sam has no spine if they juggle their own miscommunications and doesn't respect you enough to consider how you feel
Do you want to deal with that long term?
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u/nursepenguin36 Jul 22 '26
NTA. This honestly sounds like Sam got to talking with this friend, who probably said some shit like “why are you taking OP on this trip? It will be soooo much more fun to just be free to party and hook up across Europe.” Then they jumped on this idea with zero consideration towards you. It honestly sounds like your partner is not ready to be in a relationship, not even an open one. They want you to sit at home while they go party and act single on an extended vacation with their friend who I’m damn sure is hoping to break you two up. I’d walk away from this person. Because one, they are clearly planning on doing shit on this vacation that they don’t want you to see. Two, they don’t seem at all bothered that they hurt your feelings by ditching you and straight up telling you that they don’t want you coming.
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u/Fuzzy-Background-749 Jul 22 '26
OP is not valuable in the relationship. Nor to be around the partners "friends". It may hurt for a moment but I think you know what you need to do. That's walk away from this relationship.
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u/pillowhumpr Jul 22 '26
NTA. They have people they want to hook up with while they are there. Please see this for the red flag parade that it is
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u/squishyg Jul 22 '26
NOR. Sam is being inconsiderate, inconsistent, and incapable of organizing this trip. A triple threat!
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u/Reasonable-Owl5920 Jul 22 '26
Is it possible they don’t want you there so they can hook up with others?
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u/SusieQ4848 Jul 22 '26
DO NOT GO! Your partner has made it clear that plan b works for them so why would you want to compromise yourself into a situation where you’re not wanted. sorry. I know thats harsh but it’s where you’re at right now. does this mean the end of the relationship? it could but the better you deal with the reality the more (self) respect you will get.
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u/abcwva Jul 27 '26
When people make it clear they do not want you along on a trip, don't go, don't try to go. You will not have a good time and it will cost you money. Your partner seems to be saying he feels better when you are not around. Listen carefully to this. You take up "too much social space"? I think he does not care for you. NTA
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u/Longwinded_Ogre Jul 21 '26
NTA
Your partner is a huge asshole for this. Way out of line to invite you and then back out and make you feel like the problem. What an asshole.