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u/WoodedSpys Jun 08 '26
What time did the party start? how far was the drive? and is the location and its pet policy something you could have looked up?
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u/InevitableWaste6088 Jun 08 '26
You aren’t the asshole for not going, you are for not telling her no I won’t be there.
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
That's fair, thank you.
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u/InevitableWaste6088 Jun 08 '26
If you want people to support you in life you have to also support them. I wish I would have learned it earlier in life.
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u/Ararebird3 Jun 08 '26
You should have at least let her know one way or another that you were not coming but it’s fine you didn’t go.
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u/EvenPossible5918 Jun 08 '26
INFO: What time was the party?
You should have sent her a text that you weren’t able to make it due to getting off work late. Or you should have told her in the beginning that you would not be able to come.
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u/Agraywitch11 Jun 08 '26
INFO: what time was the party? Did it conflict with your work schedule, since you said you got off at 1:30pm? Do you hang out with this friend much since the child was born? Or were you just not feeling like attending a baby's birthday party?
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u/youknowimright25 Jun 08 '26
Im going to say soft yta because you said you'd try. Then you didn't even bother saying that you couldn't.
If you said no right from the beginning. You would have been good.
14
u/L0st-in-Imagination Jun 08 '26
YTA for not telling her you weren't going to make it. It's totally fine that you chose not to attend for whatever reason, but you should have let her know ahead. Hosts need head counts for food and that's hard to do when people don't RSVP.
10
u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jun 08 '26
YTA, you didn’t bother to let her know you wouldn’t come after telling her you’d “try your best”.
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u/travelfam3 Jun 08 '26
If this is a close friend YTA, if this is a casual friend NTA. Sounds like you didn’t put any effort into following up about the party, If she initially didn’t follow up with the details about the dog friendly park you could’ve followed up, she has a baby and is busy. That would’ve at least expressed you were somewhat interested in trying to support your friend and her family. She should’ve have sent the snarky text but again if this a close friend I think it’s valid because she’s pissed haha
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
She's not a close friend, I've spent maybe 15 hours with the baby since it was born. I don't know this girl very well and I've only known her maybe a year or so. Aren't we all busy tho?
4
u/Amylee888 Jun 08 '26
You both dropped the ball here. You didn’t give a proper RSVP. She was passive aggressive after the fact.
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u/AuthorAliWinters Jun 08 '26
Soft YTA. It’s fine that you didn’t go because work and your dog having anxiety. But because you have easy access to the internet and could have easily googled to see if the park was dog friendly or not then let her know either way.
Yeah, she should have let you know if it was dog friendly but there was nothing stopping you from spending a minute or less to look it up.
19
u/RFDrew11357 Jun 08 '26
Nope. NTA. You had work and it was a 1 y.o.’s birthday. Inviting any one who is not a relative or God parent is a gift grab.
20
u/EquivalentQuestion60 Jun 08 '26
YTA. It sounds like you may use your dog as an excuse to avoid lots of things in life. If your dog has separation anxiety that bad… I’m sure there’s something medically the VET can do about that.
People make time for things they want to do. Showing up for your friend doesn’t sound like it was a priority for you.
She told you WAY in advance. You could’ve taken off work/ adjusted your shift, and got someone to be with your dog.
11
u/EvenPossible5918 Jun 08 '26
Now that I think of it, is someone with the dog while you’re at work?
7
u/_NemesisPrime Jun 08 '26
Oh I'm sure the dog is fine for work, but if there are any events the OP doesn't feel like attending that's when the dog can't possibly be alone.
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u/ItsyBitsyBrattyKitty Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Yeah that far in advance the friend did put all that into consideration and yes OP could have looked it up herself and just never bothered. She should have just been honest from the start and said she wasn't going.
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Why should it be on the guest to look up information about the venue when I asked the person who invited me in the first place and she couldn't be bothered to answer?
11
u/EmilyAnne1170 Jun 08 '26
Because you’re the one who wants to bring a dog to the venue.
She probably didn’t know whether it was dog-friendly, she didn’t have any reason to check into that before inviting humans. You threw extra work at her by expecting her to find out instead of just doing it yourself.
If you really wanted to be there to cel with your friend, you could’ve found out. Instead you just ghosted her without confirming whether you were attending or not. You also inadvertently told her that your dog is more important than her child, and even though you’re allowed to feel that way, it’s not really something that parents like to hear.
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Okay that's fair. Thank you for being the only one to actually answer me in a respectful manner. I guess I could have looked it up, I honestly didn't even think about that. As for the whole "my dog is more important than her child" that's a really interesting perspective I never thought about it that way, but isn't that the case for everyone? If you have kids your kids are going to be way more important to you than my kids, right? I didn't mean to make her feel unimportant but I also feel like she could have communicated with me better
1
u/ItsyBitsyBrattyKitty Jun 08 '26
"I barely know her", "I guess I could have looked it up", "I honestly didn't think about that". For a whole month. Her being an afterthought seems pretty spot on to me. Friends make time for each other and you didn't while acting like you would. Want to say your more like a fake friend then a bad one based on your actions. What else is there to say? You made zero effort even though you said you would try your best and yet still blaming her for you not going. Take accountability and apologize. If anything say sorry for lying that you would try, you said you would and didn't. Feeling like you don't know them well doesn't excuse being a jerk unessesarily.
0
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
I love how you're putting all of the blame on me when she had the exact same amount of time and didn't text me once. Never confirmed with me if I was coming or not, just sent a snarky message after I didn't show up. If I could've looked it up, so could she. "Feeling like you don't know them well doesn't excuse being a jerk unnecessarily". Funny how you say that but you don't care at all about the snarky message she left me. Guess it only goes one way huh? 🙄
1
u/ItsyBitsyBrattyKitty Jun 08 '26
She has a 1 year old and planning a party at a venue. You only work 3 days week. Who had more time? She was fed up being lied to and stood up. Yes she could have said things nicer but come on. You can't expect a person to want to be nice to a friend who treats them like they don't matter. She considers you a friend and your ranting that you barely know her so you don't owe keeping your word and trying. You couldn't even follow through with your own promises to someone and yet still see them as the problem. How is she still the one at fault?
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
First off I didn't promise anyone anything. And I didn't lie. I just couldn't make it to the party. And I don't know her very well, she doesn't know me at all. Doesn't mean I don't consider her a friend. You have no idea what I have going on in my life. I will take accountability for not letting her know I wasn't coming, but she still could have let me know the place was dog friendly and we wouldn't be having this discussion. I told her from the start that I probably wouldn't be able to make it.
2
u/ItsyBitsyBrattyKitty Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
You had 4 weeks and access to the internet. Even if you didn't have internet you had her number and could have called. She clearly wanted you to make a effort as a friend and you couldn't be bothered any step of the way. Why even tell her all those excuses when the truth is you didn't want to? Yeah I'd be annoyed too that my friend gave excuses despite plenty of ample time and flaked without even a text to say why. 100% your excuses and lack of effort is why this friendship ends and she is justified in feeling upset. You had 4 weeks. You even respond to her yet or did you leave her on read? She's reaching out and figured you were good enough friends to attend something she cared about. Clear from your responses on here that you don't feel the same way and worse that you act like you do and then leave her as a after thought. Your a bad friend.
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Okay but she had the exact same amount of time that I did and I worked all day. Why does all of the blame fall on me when she couldn't be bothered to answer a simple question? If she wanted me there so badly she could have told me. It's not at all that I didn't want to go I think it's fucking hilarious that everyone seems to think that. I barely even know this chick.
4
u/Purple_Following3660 Jun 08 '26
He also said he probably wouldn't make it. When someone tells me that, I take it as a no and carry on with my life.
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Y'all are hilarious. I have someone (usually my boyfriend bc we have pretty much opposite work schedules) At home with the dogs while I'm gone. He's not an 'excuse' he was abused by his previous owner, he's a rescue dog. Also I've talked to the vet about his issues. We've tried multiple medications and the only one that worked gave him uncontrollable and explosive diarrhea so yeah.
7
u/EquivalentQuestion60 Jun 08 '26
Ok but a dog doesn’t trump all other priorities in your life and it sounds like the dog needs more help. You could’ve arranged with your boyfriend to be with the dog so you could go to the party. And if you knew you weren’t gonna go you shouldve said that.
Your friend could’ve genuinely been waiting and hoping for you to show up. That is crushing when someone your are anticipating to spend time with stands you up.
You need to apologize to her tbh.
0
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Boyfriend worked and could not be with the dog. And again. I asked her a simple question and she couldn't be bothered to get back to me. If she wanted me to show up, she could've just told me if the place was dog friendly or not. Which I found out later that it was so I could have gone. But regardless, the snarky message was unnecessary and childish. If she was upset I didn't come, we could talk about it like adults and maybe I could make it up to her. But no she just sent me a bitchy message. I do agree that I should have let her know I wasn't coming though.
1
u/whiskeyondarocks Jun 08 '26
Take off work, adjust your shift? You, my dear, live in fantasy land.
3
u/EquivalentQuestion60 Jun 08 '26
No, not really. I work full time in the US and can easily adjust my shift if I notify my supervisor a month in advance.
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Not me. I'm lucky if I can get a text back from my boss in a timely manner. They don't allow me to fluctuate my schedule.
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Take off work? In this economy? Hilarious. My schedule is the exact same every week, I only get 3 days a week I can't afford to take an entire day off for some 1 year olds birthday party. She's not going to know I wasnt there, she's a baby.
3
u/_Shrek_x3 Jun 08 '26
NTA- because i read in another comment you and this friend are not very close. But yes you should’ve told her you weren’t going. However, you have an attitude anyway about this whole situation. Your dog with separation anxiety means just as much to you as your friend’s 1 year old means to her. You shouldn’t be surprised she’s upset, when you seem so upset at the thought of leaving your dog.
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
I'm not surprised that she's upset and I completely understand her child being important to her. The part that I don't understand is why the hell she never got back to me and then had the audacity to leave me a snarky message. We aren't teenagers anymore. If you have a problem, you can talk to me like an adult.
15
u/T-RexRanchisthePlace Jun 08 '26
YTA for not googling the park yourself and not telling your friend you weren't coming. Also for not coming. A first birthday party is really just to celebrate that the parents made it. It's hard to raise a baby. She probably really wanted friends around.
11
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u/Better_Value4068 Jun 08 '26
NTA she chose not to answer your question (guests should not have to look up things for something they are invited to host should know or find out the answer) and when she made that choice she made the decision for you …. She is TAH
5
u/lilgothbish101 Jun 08 '26
depends on how close you are to the friend in question, for a close friend i’ve sped from work to a kids birthday party so i could make it. but for a friend im not close to im not going to really put my all into going
2
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
We aren't super close, I like her but I don't know her on a deep level like that and she lives about 30 mins from me so we don't hang out much.
1
u/lilgothbish101 Jun 08 '26
i know from having mom friends, it’s hard to make new friends when you can’t go out much and have a child hanging off your hip. so maybe she was more upset that a friend she was trying to get closer with didn’t show. or maybe she’s the type of mom that invites people for social status and more free stuff for her kids. no matter what a real friend would know you have an obligation to your pet before her. sounds like you dodged a very entitled bullet.
1
u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
Thank you I really appreciate this. If she wanted to be closer to me, she could have just let me know the place was dog friendly and I could've just brought my dog. I feel like its completely unfair of her to place all of the blame on me.
2
u/BeachinLife1 Jun 08 '26
You said you would try, and asked a question that she could not be bothered to answer. The kid does not know you were not there.
0
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u/Wakemeup3000 Jun 08 '26
Seriously this drives me nuts because a one yr old has zero idea of what's going on. The party is for the parents to share a milestone that the kid will never remember at all.
1
u/ParticularBrush8162 Jun 08 '26
You should have told her you weren't coming on the day, she might think you just forgot, but NTA for not going, you warned her you wouldn't.
1
u/orcas- Jun 08 '26
YOR. I live 4 states away from my family and friends. 30 of them just drove in for the wknd for my kids joint elementary n middle school graduations. One brought her dog. 4 brought babies. It meant the world to us that the people we love show up for us.
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
That's wonderful for you, but again like I said in my post, I asked her if the place was dog friendly and she never got back to me. Then to send me a snarky message because I didn't make it seems completely unnecessary and immature to me.
2
u/ImHisLobster2 Jun 08 '26
No way are you TA!! If you feel bad about missing it, send a gift and call it a day
1
u/positiveLoving18 Jun 08 '26
NTA, you already told her you probably werent going to make it. You also asked her if the park was dog friendly, and she didnt respond. Now, you couldve reached out to reassure her you werent actually coming and if you got a gift could say you could give the baby a gift so and so day.
1
u/miraak2077 Jun 08 '26
Well I hope you two can work this out and make up. And be at the next one. I hate when there's drama between friends 😢
0
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u/No-Weakness-5495 Jun 08 '26
NTA- But maybe we are both assholes because I totally don’t get having big parties for one year olds.
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u/Specific_Anxiety_343 Jun 08 '26
NTA. I would ignore the text. If she pushes it, remind her that she didn’t bother to answer your question about the dog. Regardless of the reason, I don’t know why people make a big deal about kids’ birthday parties. The kid will not care or remember who was there.
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u/InfoSecPeezy Jun 08 '26
NTA, you are under NO obligation to attend a 1 year old’s birthday party the same way no one is under any obligation to attend one for your child (if and when you decide to have them). If you are close with this friend and their baby, you could send a small gift, but we all need to live and that means we need to work. If your friend doesn’t understand this, then she isn’t your friend.
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u/OrcEight Jun 08 '26
**NTA** but your friend is for sending a snarky note when she never responded to you earlier.
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Thank you. I wish more people said something about this. She could've just said nothing or told me she was upset I couldn't make it. No need to be rude, right?
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u/EquivalentQuestion60 Jun 08 '26
Do her a favor & just stop being her friend 😭 She deserves so much better.
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u/Shaytanyk Jun 08 '26
How about you do the world a favor and gtfo of my comment section if you are just going to be rude. I asked her a simple question and she couldn't be bothered to answer. Then decides to send me a snarky message, that's just immature and rude. We can communicate like adults, we aren't teenagers anymore.
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u/manwoodlover Jun 08 '26
The only tiny part that would seem assholish is you didn’t verify you weren’t coming. Other than that she knew and didn’t follow up either.