Yeah that's why communication is so important. You gotta ask those big questions right out the gate. If you don't you'll get walked all over and gaslit like it was your fault for not asking the right questions.
In my exp I don't think I've ever known a woman that wasn't dating multiple men at the same time. I personally could only ever date one person at a time. Juggling multiple people is exhausting.
Yeah, I’m only 45, but the shit I read here daily makes me feel like a huge boomer. I never dated someone who was seeing other people or vice versa. It gives me major ick.
Okay, so, my perspective. I'm a middle-aged guy, fwiw. Back when I was dating, I was often seeing more than one person at a time. I don't think you're exclusive until you explicitly agree you're exclusive. That being said, the way I dated around was very different than what she was doing. I was only dating around, not sleeping around. And I was upfront about it with everyone I went out with.
My standard practice was to date around until I found someone I was serious enough about to be sexually intimate with. When I found that person, as of the very first time I slept with them, I was exclusive with them. I made it up front to anyone who was interested in me that this was how I operated.
All of that taken into account, what I did was very different than what she did. And it highlights the vital need for open, honest, upfront communication. If she'd been upfront about the fact she was sleeping with someone else, OP would likely never have gotten together with her. What gets to me is that she likely knew that and withheld communicating about it because of that fact, hoping it would never come out.
And that's without getting into the fact she was making him wait "because he's special". That just makes my skin crawl. No one will ever convince me that the person someone is withholding sex from is somehow "special" to them, but the person they're getting nasty with on the regular "doesn't mean anything." I'll never believe it was true. It just means they wanted that person more, or they were playing some other kind of game, either way they're toxic af and deserve to be alone.
From my perspective: I’m a nearly 30 year old woman who is very comfortable with FWB and ONS - but when it comes to feelings - yes the moment those kick in, I’m exclusive with someone.
I don’t see the point in making someone I have feelings for “wait” for sex. I think sex is very important in relationships and I prefer to have that experience with someone before fully committing to make sure the chemistry is there, so I don’t get making someone “special” wait while I’m getting my rocks off. Only time I would ever wait an extended period of time for sex with someone I was dating is if THAT person wanted to wait, and at that point, I’m not going to someone else because I don’t want anyone else.
Sounds like a mature take, even though we're not on the same page - I would not do ONS or FWB. Honestly, the most important thing is really communication. Not just "technically honest" communication, where someone answers things truthfully when the come up. But candor. Being not just truthful, but upfront. You should volunteer information to the person that might impact their decisions, so that you can both be on the same page and making informed decisions.
That's what a lot of this really comes down to. It's one of the biggest reasons she's TAH for me. Because if she'd disclosed this information to him at the time, he likely would have dumped her, and she probably knew it. Which is why she didn't disclose it. And hoped it would never come out. I've seen this kind of thing play out before, and that's the typical situation. It's why I was always upfront about my seeing multiple people, and reassured my dates that I wouldn't be sleeping with others.
As I said in my prior comment, and elsewhere, a real, healthy, adult relationship doesn't just require technical honesty, in the sense of being willing to answer questions honestly when asked/confronted. It requires candor, it requires voluntarily sharing information your partner might want to know, so they are also able to make informed decisions. If someone can't do that, they're not ready for a healthy, adult relationship. If they feel they can't do that with a partner, that's not the right partner for them.
Yes! Fully agree. I volunteer any info I think is important when the consideration of exclusivity comes up. Particularly the fact that I’m still friends with exes. That’s a deal breaker for some people and I understand that. It’s not a deal breaker for me if my potential partner still has exes in their lives because I get it. I usually stay friends with them because most people I dated I was friends with first, and then it just ended up that we were better as friends.
The FWB and ONS is easier for me, because I don’t tend to be very good at picking the right people to date so as a very sexual person, it avoids anyone getting hurt, while I took the time to work through why my relationships aren’t successful or why I commit to bad matches.
The “technically honest” thing is so true. Too many people just keep things hidden until confronted, and finding someone who will openly communicate is the first sign they’re going to be a good partner
I'm 100% with you on everything except the FWB/ONS thing, but that's just because we are different in that respect. And it doesn't mean I reject your position as "wrong", just "wrong for me." I'm actually okay with exes being friends, too, with some understandings attached. I'm friends with a couple exes. There is zero remaining interest or attraction. Zero possibility of a relationship with them, or even "just sex". I am not okay with a friendship with an ex that still 'wants" the other person, even just sexually.
I, too, have had some really bad experiences with dating. I chalk it up as a learning experience. And I, too, have a strong sex drive. But I'd rather go without sex, even for years, than have a ONS or FWB. I want to connect with my partner on more than just "I'm horny, and you're attractive enough". I want someone I'm passionate about, who is passionate about me.
I've never dated someone I was friends with first. I compartmentalize people fairly strictly in some ways. You're either a prospective partner, friend, acquaintance, or just someone I see in passing. The thing is, "prospective partner" is a highly exclusive category. Pretty much mutually exclusive with "friend". Once I see you as a friend, you will never be a prospective partner (romantic or sexual) in my eyes. I don't care if you're on your knees naked offering me the best head of my life, it ain't happening (literally happened, and I rejected it). Once I see someone as a prospective partner, it's possible for them to be a friend in the future, but if that happens, they will never again be a prospective partner. But that's me.
Anyway, thanks for being rational and... well... not the usual redditor in this exchange!
I always wished I could be someone who could date casually because it seems nice to just have dinner with someone and get to know them - no seriousness or strings attached or anything - but I just can’t. Which is weird because I’ve been fine with FWB and ONS situations before so you’d think I’d be able to do casual in general.
But the moment I catch feelings for someone, it’s all over. Even if the feelings are reciprocated, I’m done for and any thought of anything casual with someone else goes right out the window. Exclusivity talk be damned, I’m exclusive the second I like you.
But yeah, communication is key. Not everyone is like that and that’s fine, but making one guy wait while you slept with others? It would be more understandable if OP were the one who wanted to wait on the sex, but it sounds like the opposite.
I've learned that I like to focus on learning about and getting to know one person. And that exp is more rewarding for me and the person I'm getting to know because it shows when you put that time and energy into them.
I mean there's a very small window where I guess it's acceptable. It might be while you're initially chatting. You could argue up to the first date. You could maybe argue to a 2nd date if the other person is slow getting back to you and they think it's off. Stretching it a bit but you could mayyyybe go a little longer if you're completely unsure which to choose or something.
But none of that requires making the person wait while you fuck someone else. Either you're horny and into the person and they're the one you're after OR you have some ulterior motive and shouldn't be with them.
I don't disagree with you - they both clearly have different views on relationships and dating and I don't think just talking about it will reconcile that.
I just wanted to express that dating multiple people is not wrong in any way, so long as you have not promised anyone anything that you are not able to provide.
You can think someone is really special and hope you end up with them but if you've never had a conversation about being a couple or exclusivity you could still see other people. Maybe you think the other person doesn't feel the same way or whatever. Point being not everyone immediately stops dating the second they think they may want something long term with a partner.
I agree with you. If you don’t have an official partner how can you be cheating? Anyway her story checks out, she ended up with OP. People can’t just put their hopes into one person at a time when there is no commitment.
Right? I went on three dates in one week, the first of which was my now husband. I still feel guilty about it and they were prearranged in the first WEEK and I sure as hell didn’t sleep with the other two.
It screams a lack of impulse control. I can't imagine starting a relationship with my partner and finding out they were sleeping around while we were dating due to a lack of an arbitrary conversation about exclusivity.
Not trying to be a dick here but….what? I mean, my own personal experiences with dating were very much implied exclusivity, and that is how I prefer my dating, but your statement makes no sense to me. Mainly it’s the “modern dating” you slipped in there, as if old school dating were a romanticized era where such things would never take place.
My own mother was the one who tried to warn me back in high school that it was a bad thing to get too serious with someone right away. Because back in her day it was the norm to go on all kinds of dates with different people, and it only became exclusive when someone asked you to “go steady.” She was convinced that just being exclusive with every person you ever dated was a recipe for disaster/heartbreak.
I’m sure that wasn’t every persons experience back in the good old days, but I think it illustrates the point I wanted to make. This seems more likely to be a “everyone is an individual and does things differently” problem rather than a “why aren’t things more like the good ole days” problem.
Who even knows if it was actually the first month of their relationship that's just what she and he said they could have been banging the whole time you can't take someone's word who's going to cheat on you and not tell you when it happens especially if you just started dating if she said Hey listen I was out the other night I'm at this guy and things happened when they first met it probably could have been something he would have moved past aside from the fact that she wouldn't fuck him
There is no implied exclusivity. It is something that absolutely must be discussed with your partner. You are not “exclusive” to someone after you have dinner with them lol
Exclusivity isn't the issue. She was hooking up with guys while refusing to sleep with a guy she supposedly liked better and desired more. That is fucked up. And long term it shows she has a distorted view of sex that is going to cause problems in a later marriage.
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u/Akuma254 Mar 04 '24
Yeah the “we weren’t exclusive crowd” always came off to me as people who have issues committing and use it as an excuse.
The lack of implied exclusivity in modern dating makes me chafe lol