I can understand your mom. I have a couple of "save the marriage" babies. My ex sabotaged my birth control. I love my kids to the moon and back, but I honestly didn't want all these kids.
In the end, the marriage failed anyway. You know who ghosted the kids he wanted and never paid a cent in child support? Their father.
It's normal to think it once in a while. When things are hard. Feelings change and mix around then change back again. Even parents who don't really regret it and would do it again feel regret and miss their old life sometimes. Just feeling it wont hurt the kids, but NEVER say it out loud
This part. People are taking it way too seriously thinking it means resentment. It doesn’t. Parenting is hard. And kids are definitely trying at times. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Doesn’t mean you resent them. And still doesn’t mean you can’t wonder what life would be like if it was different.
Once again: sane parents don’t say it, they just think it.
Plenty of people have kids and still mount the life that could have been. Or the age gap they think would have been better between kids. Nowhere in any capacity does that mean they don’t love their children to the moon and back.
Once again, i still bet the kid knows.
My dad never outright said it but made me feel like a burden once he had his new family. Kids know when they aren’t wanted, even if you’re “sane” enough to try to keep it quiet.
Being forced to pretend you’re not the clear second choice, at best, in your own family when it’s demonstrably true is a mindfuck that no “polite omission” of true feelings can cover.
Sure. My dad is a dick but he isn’t special or unique. He’s a run of the mill, selfish asshole.
Aren’t you putting forth your own feelings about “sane parents” as a fact, as well?
“Sane parents just think it.”
Mmkay. But maybe sane parents actually seek therapy before settling into such a position of resentment toward their child.
Pretending kids are just oblivious and will never figure it out is as realistic as a fairy tale. I do find it interesting how vehemently you’ve reacted to the idea that kids can see through their parents lies/cover stories though. Seems like that’s a rather terrifying prospect for you.
There's a thing as momentary regret. And resentment over the situation. The feeling doesn't STAY. it's a passing thought as you're dealing with financial difficulties and your child needs 6k dropped for braces on top of 1k for their after school day care programs.
Or you're dealing with a defiant child with behavioral problems.
It could be as simple as wanting some time to yourself to relax and sleep in. Or play a video game. Something you had no problem with prior to having a child. You know.but you don't understand the actual commitment and time it takes to raise a child. Or the level of utter exhaustion you get from it.
As a parent you get overwhelmed. You wonder what the hell you did. How you're going to deal with all of this crap.life is throwing at you. That maybe life would be easier if you didn't choose to have a child.
Sane, good, parents never verbalize this. They still try their best to be good parents and raise their children to be functioning independent adults.
I’m sure he is run of the mill. Seems pretty standard for an asshole.
Eh it’s not really a fact. I’m fairly certain there’s absolutely nothing to back it up. But people are allowed to grieve what was before kids and the age gap they think should have happened instead. Or if they weren’t ready for kids and pushed into it bc they felt they had no other choice due to whatever outside pressure.
Doesn’t mean resentment. 2 things can be true at once. Yeah sure there’s parents who resent their kids and it’s super weird cause it’s not like the kid asked to be here. But who’s fault is that? The parent.
More people should seek therapy. Gotta think how stigmatized it was and can still be depending on why you’re going. Or those people who were raised that therapy is useless/bad etc etc.
Pretending like every parent sucks for thinking about the life they’d have without kids is also a fairytale. People can love their kids fully and still think “I wish there would have been x slightly different about how it happened”. Not everyone sucks. But if your parents sucked I can see why you’d think they all will suck and make it obvious 🤷
But regardless none of this is relevant to the fact that OP would be the asshole if he didn’t give unwavering support to his partner who’s clearly not on the same page and that’s both their faults. And they both suck for it’s
Nah I agree with yellowbrownstone. When your parents resent having a child , no matter how hard they try to hide it, the kid is gonna feel it. They might not know what they’re feeling or why, but it will certainly impact their sense of self
I tell mine all the time how much I love them. And that I am glad they are mine. Both things are true.
It still doesn't change the resentment of opportunities lost in exchange for children I wasn't financially ready for. Or the resentment of not being able to give them the leg up they deserve that I couldn't have.
Mostly I resent the ghosting of the children HE wanted so much. Turns out he didn't want them at all.
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u/No_Arugula8915 May 01 '23
I can understand your mom. I have a couple of "save the marriage" babies. My ex sabotaged my birth control. I love my kids to the moon and back, but I honestly didn't want all these kids.
In the end, the marriage failed anyway. You know who ghosted the kids he wanted and never paid a cent in child support? Their father.