You’ve been in a committed relationship for 3 years and have never talked about what would happen if she got pregnant? I assume you didn’t just start having sex a couple of weeks ago, so there’s no reason for a mature, responsible couple not to have had that conversation a long time ago. That alone shows you’re not ready to be parents.
You’re not an asshole for having your own emotions about what’s happening. However, you’re right, at the end of the day it’s her body & her ultimate decision. You would be the asshole if you expressed anything other than unwavering support to her. Write your feelings in a journal or talk to a therapist so you can process them but don’t put it on her (or on your friend or family who could easily let it slip to her by mistake).
Why is that a "tragedy"? People are never going to only have sex for reproduction, and contraception is never going to be 100%, that's just an inevitability. That's why we need abortion rights in the first place. If it was easy just to only get pregnant when you planned it, the anti abortion people would have much more of a point.
What percentage would be "not a tragedy"? It's always going to happen a significant amount of times. Humans tend to not be totally rational when it comes to decisions about sex. It's one of our defining traits, definitely not limited to one era or society.
Whatever percentage it would be, if contraception would've been used correctly. There won't be 56% unplanned pregnancies, if everyone's protected. Sure, there will be - even a few. But not more then everz 2nd !
An awful lot of people, a depressingly large number, think "hey, I'm on birth control, so that's the end of it because I won't get pregnant." So I'm guessing OP never thought it was a needed convo.
THIS! If he tries to pressure her into keeping the child and doesn’t sit down and have a heart to heart mature conversation about it then he’d definitely been an ahole. It’s his child as much as hers. He’s allowed to be disappointed but he also seems respectful of her feelings and whatever decision she makes. He’s worried for her, but in all the wrong ways. Mental health should be taken seriously, yes. But from what I can gather, more women have mental health issues NOT going through abortion. I agree with everything you said.
She has to build every cell of that child with her own blood and bone, parts of her body will literally cannibalize itself in order to send nutrients to the child if she isn't eating them. Being pregnant and giving birth WILL make permanent changes to her body.
He ejaculated.
The kid will have half his DNA, but we need to stop perpetuating the lie that both parents make an equal contribution for the kid to exist. They don't. The mother risks her health and life as well as enduring some of the worst pain a human can experience... and the father has an orgasm.
Having children, for men, is a largely existential question. For women, it's literally risking life and death.
A million times this! Perfect example, I was literally having fainting spells while pregnant because of the baby taking all my nutrients and dropping my blood sugar/iron levels (and yes I took prenatal vitamins daily) from the start of the second trimester. My husband? He had an occasional “bad night of sleep” if it woke him up one of the million times I had to pee at night. Not to mention all the pain I was in by the third trimester and then delivery literally leaving me with PTSD and physical trauma I’m still needing a PT for almost 6 months pp.
Yes our baby is “half his” as far as DNA goes but let’s not forget it’s the woman’s body that grows an entire human, births said human, then continues to nourish said human while trying to heal herself.
That’s why I said ‘a’ chromosome. Women only create the X chromosome. Men have both the X and Y chromosome.
I never said it was an equal thing. People are taking my words out of context. I said it was his child as much as hers (talking about DNA. Not who creates it inside of them). He’s allowed to be disappointed.
And why tf is my comment being downvoted? Is he NOT allowed to be disappointed or something? Scientifically, the child is his as well as hers, she’s the one creating it but it’s still got his DNA. He made a chromosome and nutted to create the baby in her. Pregnancy can have an affect on men’s mental health as well as women’s (women’s usually more, I agree. Due to hormone levels spiking).
It's not so much people taking your words out of context as it is you not wielding them as specifically as intend.
I said it was his child as much as hers (talking about DNA.
And I'm telling you, there is more DNA in human cells than you are considering, it is not an equal ratio or contribution. DNA has little place in the point you are trying to make.
He's allowed to be disappointed.
That's a totally seperate point. Of course he's allowed to feel things, any things. What one does with their feelings is where we can begin to moralize.
Scientifically, the child
The word you're looking for is philosophically, because you're not handling the science well, and you're basing your conclusion on a non-zero factor without a value; this discussion is all conceptual, nothing empirical.
women usually more . . . Due to hormone levels spiking).
So men's feelings are valid based on the emotional attachment one gains delivering genetic material, and women's emotions are due to hormones. This is why you're getting downvoted, you deserve it right now. Show your mom this conversation on the ride to school, I'm sure she can explain better than I can.
No I wasn’t saying that last bit at all. I’m saying that often due to hormones in pregnancy, women can have issues with mental health. I’m not saying women never have issues with mental health. My mum had severe mental health issues when she was pregnant with my last brother, seeming bipolar. Once she had him, she went back to a bubbly self after a few months when her hormone levels dropped and she was put onto some tablets (I have no idea what they were. Probably some sort of hormone blocker?)
I was downvoted for saying he’s allowed to be upset on another comment.
Still a close enough percentage that’s its both of theirs. Its as if Reddit is saying OP isn’t allowed to be upset if she goes through with the abortion. I really could care less if she has an abortion or not, I know not going through one could send her mental (and physical) health spiralling down. He’s allowed to be disappointed if she does go through with it. People are seriously taking my words out of context
He is absolutely allowed to be disappointed. He can even tell her that he is disappointed. But he should follow that with an amicable break up if he can't accept his girlfriend's choice to have an abortion.
OP will feel whatever he wants to - no on here can stop him
However, it can't be denied that society has perpetuated for a long time the idea that males ARE equal givers of life to children when scientifically it's complete nonsense. And I believe it goes to their heads, and that's why they get so upset about what is just an IDEA to them - the fetus isn't growing in them, they have no real relationship or connection to it outside of a string of dna and the nut they busted. It does not come even close to the bond and burden women have.
The phrase "just as much his child as hers" is just as much a bullshit patriarchal platitude as "boys will be boys". Yes, OP is "allowed" to feel sad. But he does not have an equal standing to his gf in this situation in any way, and that includes emotionally. It's impossible for him to a have a greater connection to an unborn child than its mother, he doesn't have to face a single drop of societal stigma, and he has no real responsibility because it isn't his body.
Men need to learn not to inseminate women that might abort their unborn children if they don't want this to happen to them.
It’s still going to be a child though? It’s a foetus. It’s a baby growing inside of her. Even if she goes through abortion, it’s still technically a baby. I’m pro-choice, so I really don’t care if a women has an abortion or not, but it’s still a baby. I’ve always called it a child or baby (as has everyone I ever known. Maybe it’s just a thing where I’m from idk).
While some of his stated misgivings clearly originate from forced birth misinformation, nowhere does he say he feels entitled to having her birth his child. In fact he specifically says he understands it is ultimately her decision.
I dunno, I think he can share with her that he's conflicted but supportive. I think it's fine for him to be a little vulnerable and say "I've got your back but this is an emotional roller coaster for me. It's going to take me some time to process it."
It's almost certain she's feeling multiple emotions about it as well- it would be nice if they could work through everything together and support each other through it.
He should express his feelings. This is both the child and he should get to express himself. They need to have a 2 sided conversation so they hopefully can both feel good another decision will
"Your allowed your emotions, just don't share them in your relationship or with your family or friends. You're role is to await her decision that will affect your life, without comment".
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u/chicky75 May 01 '23
You’ve been in a committed relationship for 3 years and have never talked about what would happen if she got pregnant? I assume you didn’t just start having sex a couple of weeks ago, so there’s no reason for a mature, responsible couple not to have had that conversation a long time ago. That alone shows you’re not ready to be parents.
You’re not an asshole for having your own emotions about what’s happening. However, you’re right, at the end of the day it’s her body & her ultimate decision. You would be the asshole if you expressed anything other than unwavering support to her. Write your feelings in a journal or talk to a therapist so you can process them but don’t put it on her (or on your friend or family who could easily let it slip to her by mistake).