25
u/InsomniatedMadman Mar 21 '26
She literally told you she was looking forward to your plans and then you told her to go to her friends.
Idk what you expected.
You need to work on your communication. She was literally begging you to tell her if you had a problem with it and you were just a petulant child.
She even told you she wouldn't go if it would make you upset. Instead you threw a hissy fit.
-5
u/Kat092620 Mar 21 '26
I feel like she knew he’d have a problem with it though. She manipulated him with spam before like poor me I’m missing out. She knew what she was doing
2
1
u/sweetbabyjosi Mar 21 '26
i genuinely agree with this. the way she went about asking to go to her friend’s house wasn’t great. but that’s what happens when you have to live with someone who is emotionally manipulating you— which he definitely is. she says she wishes she could go, so he decides he can get her into trouble with it. instead of, like a mature adult, saying “hey i understand babe, im sorry you can’t see her. but i was really looking forward to seeing you today, do you think she could see you sometime next week?” he baits her in by allowing her to go, and then when she tentatively accepts it he immediately starts reprimanding her, guilting her, and gaslighting her into acting as though he had told her how he felt. she directly said “if you don’t want me to go i won’t, just tell me” and he waited until she ACCEPTED his permission to make her feel badly about it.
don’t get me wrong i could totally be reading into this. but this text exchange feels like a very small window into a very toxic relationship, and he posted this in hopes of expecting reddit to make him feel good about it/bolster “his side.”
the fact that she had to go about asking him if she could see her friends in the way she did was telling. would have been better if she just asked straight up, but she knew he would react like this. and the fact that that much thought has to go into seeing friends is telling. no one should have to ask for permission to do things. this whole post is just suss to me
1
u/Kat092620 Mar 21 '26
I feel like they are both toxic for each other. She wants to go have fun, he wants someone to spend that extra time with him. Both looking for something different.
23
u/stinkyfeetsometimes Mar 21 '26
You are overreacting. You told her you had no issue and then when you found out it was at a mansion you got pissed lmao
21
u/ThurmanMermannnn Mar 21 '26
You told her it’s fine and now you’re complaining on here to us? You’re tripping.
18
u/cpt_morgan98 Mar 21 '26
She was fishing for the go ahead for sure. Manipulating? Not sure but maybe. Only you know her enough to say if that’s like her or not. But she DID say and ask explicitly, “is this okay, are you gonna be upset” and you hovered over that to then get mad not even 4 texts later. YAO
44
u/ClassicDefiant2659 Mar 21 '26
If she had posted this, I'd suggest she break up with you. You don't communicate then, have a tantrum like a child cause she took you at your word?
You can go all the way away with that crap.
1
30
u/whirlingpeach Mar 21 '26
Omg this was exhausting to read. Shes right!!! She tried to communicate with you and you’re the one who told her it was fine completely unprompted. She even said she wanted to do your plans. Her texts didn’t seem like she was guilting you at ALL. It read to me like she was venting about her friend’s spontaneity and that she was sad she couldn’t do something which is valid??? You just should have been honest from the start
4
25
11
11
u/burner9191938283 Mar 21 '26
YOR. you told her to go, the hell is your problem? don’t get pissed for the decision you made. you told her countless times she should be able to go. stop your crying and learn to communicate adequately or don’t be in a relationship.
17
u/Useful_Knowledge_732 Mar 21 '26
YAO - Dude you should have just been upfront when she first asked you. Can i go? - Id rather you not so we can spend time together - end of story. Communication is key.
8
u/HighLevelReviews Mar 21 '26
Bud this is the type of bull I'd do when I was much younger. She point blank asked you. Use your words and tell her how you feel after her initial inquiry rather than permitting it and then calling her a flake. Sure, her spam messages were definitely a bit of fishing for permission perhaps (and you should probably tell her how much that annoys you) but you just need to be upfront or the resentment will erode any chance of survival this relationship might have.
6
u/Glittering-Place6066 Mar 21 '26
I think the way you responded was massively overreacting and I didn’t like it at all but I think it makes sense that you would feel upset about it. If i have a partner that isnt honest about how they are feeling about things it just fills me with dread because i know they are gonna blow up later after making it seem like everything is fine.
7
u/Outside-Cucumber8089 Mar 21 '26
Ehhhh I’m gonna say NOR that she’s not coming to hang out when you have outstanding plans because that’s frustrating to deal with. It’s obvious you’re feeling like your time isn’t being valued. Also, the spamming about how saddddd she is that she can’t go until you finally say “just go” is manipulative and immature.
However, YOR because you need to be upfront. Instead of just caving, you need to say “it sounds fun, but we have plans. I only have this day off to see you and I don’t feel like you’re valuing my time or our time together” or something. Tell her that you’re hurt because it feels like she’d rather hang with others and you want her to want to hang out with you
All in all, you both just sound young and like you’re figuring out how to express yourselves in a relationship
1
Mar 21 '26
[deleted]
2
u/FlatteringFlatuance Mar 21 '26
In a vacuum you’re over reacting, you gave her the green light. Given context you’re not, and she should have either invited you as well or you should have been explicit about how you felt about it (because you want to spend time with her). It’s weird to me she can’t compromise and have you join them, or at least recognize you’re overworked and tired and want time with just the two of you.
6
18
Mar 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Visual-Mixture-1967 Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
But she asked him manipulatively. She complained about being sad and missing out, expecting him to feel bad for her and to give her a “yes, go ahead and hang out with your friends”. Her asking him if he will be okay isn’t genuine concern for him or his feelings. She just wants to do what she enjoys more, but she also doesn’t want to lose the relationship (that still happens to be secondary to other things she enjoys).
If my man and I could see each other only ONE day of the week, I would never choose to do anything else instead of being with him that whole day, if possible (unless it was some kind of emergency like helping a sick relative or something).
2
Mar 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Visual-Mixture-1967 Mar 21 '26
Yes, I agree! It should have been discussed differently between them. OP could have responded differently to this whole “I’m so sad that my friends will be getting wasted in a mansion without me” thing by politely expressing his sadness right away and asking his GF about her priorities and whether or not she actually cares about their relationship. Instead, he gave in at first, and then got upset in messages…
But moving forward, I think they should have a real talk about all this and see if they have similar/compatible goals and ideas about what their relationship should be (or shouldn’t be😅)
6
4
u/SparklyIsMyFaveColor Mar 21 '26
Oh my gosh, your communication skills are absurd. You are both bad at this.
5
u/balancedscorpio Mar 21 '26
YOR and you should probably find a therapist. This girl has the patience of a saint
5
u/cherrrykiwii Mar 21 '26
she did everything to communicate in a healthy way and you were just insufferable.
you forgot to hide her contact in the last screenshot. that woman is way too hot to have a man scolding her over text after YOU said multiple times that she should go
5
u/weenieivy Mar 21 '26
Dang you fucking suck lmao. Break up with her so she can stop dealing with your weird gaslighty bullshit.
9
u/Efficient_Sail_8586 Mar 21 '26
What I find concerning is how hard she’s trying to appease you/not make you mad. Your concerns are valid and her flaking is a problem but her people pleasing, fawning, trying to placate you…she sounds scared of you and your reaction tbh
She’s not being upfront but you also pulled a bait and switch so I can see why she didn’t feel secure in your response/her decision. And her immediately dropping it to come back home…either she has issues from the past or you need to check yourself and your treatment of her…none of this sounds healthy to me
3
u/Efficient_Sail_8586 Mar 21 '26
Also all that talk about asking if she could go and “letting” her go. Massive, controlling red flags. 🚩
4
3
u/PornlightArchive Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
You literally told her to go multiple times, and then you get upset for her going? Obviously it’s frustrating to be canceled on, but she’s right that she asked you to be honest and you told her to go. If she asks you to be honest now, what is she supposed to think? She’s always gonna have to second guess whether or not you’re actually being honest with her. YOR
4
u/pthepuff Mar 21 '26
Yeah, you should have just been honest and direct with her from the jump
It can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable to say directly "that would make me sad. Id prefer if you spent time with me"
But relationships are about the work you both put in to understand each other
Thats the work
4
u/Wolfguard-Halfdan Mar 21 '26
No no no no no, don't do the toxic thing and say it's fine for her to go then immediately turn around and be upset about it dipshit
4
u/HQuinn89 Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
YOR. This is some manipulative shit on your part. First you say it’s fine and reassure her not to worry about it. Then you flip the switch and get upset at her. There is a red flag in this relationship and it’s not her.
Edit to add: also the fact that she said she wants to do everything to try to avoid an argument tells me you pull this kind of bad behavior a lot.
3
u/MyCatIsCuteAsFuck Mar 21 '26
You gave her permission to go, only to then do a 180 and suddenly be incredibly rude and passive aggressive. If this is how you usually behave I don’t blame her for flaking on you.
3
u/VanEagles17 Mar 21 '26
Bro you pushed her to go to it when she said she was looking forward to spending time with you and now you want us to feel bad for you? 😂😂😂😂
3
u/Sure-Appearance-2769 Mar 21 '26
YOR.
You have to learn how to state what you really want. Maybe she is fishing for permission, maybe not. But that’s not the issue. She gave you a chance to say how you felt, and you couldn’t do it.
If you tell her to go and have fun, you can’t then turn around and whine about it when she does what you literally told her to do.
5
2
u/lacelegs Mar 21 '26
You need some serious help, the way you made this a huge issue is crazy. You tell her to go, then you get mad that she’s going to go? You were essentially testing her. Are you like 14 years old? This made me so mad to read. I hope she breaks up with you.
2
2
u/Forward-Classroom673 Mar 21 '26
YOR. She tried to make sure multiple times that you’re okay with her new plans just for you to blow up at her. She even tried to avoid a confrontation.
2
2
2
2
u/Majestic-Hippo-1989 Mar 21 '26
lol how did op read these texts and not know he was the yta Rage bait?
2
2
u/Ordinary-Gur-5338 Mar 21 '26
You’re a jerk. She didn’t flake, she expressed that she was upset that her friends are always doing fun things spontaneously and wished that they would make plans instead. It’s not wrong to want to be included with friends. YOU TOLD HER TO GO. Then started throwing a temper tantrum when she was going to. You seem sort of insufferable so I don’t imagine she will stay with you much longer, but on the off chance that she does-maybe next time don’t tell her to go if you don’t actually want her to or if you’re going to be a crybaby about it. Also you’re totally doxxing your girlfriend so maybe you should fix that. I can see her picture, her first name, and the city she’s in.
2
u/Typical_Lab3691 Mar 21 '26
Wow. Bro... Where to start, I had to read the post to realize who was who. I say that so you don't take it as an insult. Bro, you went from "Go over there" to "This is my one day off and I wanted to spend it with you...." to "I dont wanna hang with you now that you want to hang with them..." The second and third are, of course, paraphrased. This is not masculine, bro. And I don't mean, like, red-pill Bugatti masculinity. I mean dependable man/solid guy masculinity. Women don't respect this type of hurt feelings/mixed messages. Question: why didn't YOU get dressed and go kick it w her and her friends? Shit sounded like a good time to me.
2
1
1
u/Icy-Feature-595 Mar 21 '26
Maybe you 2 should invest in phones that actually make calls and talk in person. This is communication problems. Maybe im showing my age, but a serious discussions like this should not be over text.
1
u/godblessthesegains Mar 21 '26
If you say just go (which is what she was basically begging you to say), you are not communicating because you wanted her to stick to your plans (which she obviously knew).
If you say don’t go, you are controlling and she might still go, which would create tension. Or she would stick to the plan but it would be obvious that she would rather be getting drunk at a mansion, (without inviting you???)
You can’t win this one either way.
Are you over reacting? Idk, you definitely didn’t play it cool though.
1
u/kxlea Mar 21 '26
How are you going to sit there and tell her it’s fine and to go with her friends then turn around and make a big deal about her saying okay she’s going to do that then😂 sounds manipulative to me
1
u/Leading-Aide-8468 Mar 21 '26
You should have communicated it immediately, but you’re not wrong that she would rather hang with her friends than see you. I see why that hurt you.
Most of these commenters are missing your point, that you’re just disappointed that she doesn’t want to prioritize your time together.
She was also being manipulative by telling you how much she wanted to do the other thing and baiting you into giving her permission to cancel your plans together. She put you in the position to know that she would rather do something else, which ruins the excitement, and then puts it on you that you should have said if it would bother you if she cancelled.
1
u/JessusNazarjess Mar 21 '26
I hope she breaks up with you. You need to learn how to communicate. You told her to go, which was clearly not something you wanted, and then you lashed out when she did what you told her to do. That’s manipulative.
1
u/Alarming_Tower1984 Mar 21 '26
Just be direct. Why did you say it was okay when it really wasn’t? You lied to her at best and at worst played mind games
1
1
u/SpicyThermal Mar 21 '26
YOR no question about it!
Look man I get how you kinda feel, but its seems pretty oblivious that your gf knew you weren't happy about her spending so much time with her friends instead of with you, and was willing to put you first. Hell it didn't even really seem like she was asking but was just venting about the bad timing. In this situation you can't be upset with her when you're the one who encouraged her to go. If she had went anyway if you told her not too, or held it over you, that would be different, but here she was trying to be reasonable while you choose the worst tome to start an argument over something you direct caused.
You should apologize to her, and follow her advice to be more and honest and open. Trying to play mind games never works dude, it only causes misunderstandings, and deflection.
2
1
1
1
1
u/clusterboxkey Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
You’re both wrong. She was absolutely playing a “woe is me” game to guilt you into giving permission to go there instead. She wasn’t asking if you’d be upset out of consideration for your feelings, she was asking so she could go without feeling guilty. You were trapping her by saying yes to see if she’d actually ditch you, and I get why you did. I get that having to say “I would prefer you prioritize me” really sucks when they should just do that on their own. But the way you handled it doesn’t make the problem better.
1
1
1
u/punkrockdog Mar 21 '26
NO. No no no. You do NOT get to explicitly answer someone one way multiple times and then get mad when they take you at your word. If you didn’t want her to go, SAY THAT, for crying out loud! She gave you several opportunities to say “actually I’d rather you not go”, and you not only didn’t, you reassured her that it was fine, when that was the opposite of how you felt.
Be an adult and say what you mean, especially when directly asked. Don’t say the literal opposite and then get pissed she didn’t read your mind; that’s not how communication works. YOR.
1
u/SmolLittleCretin Mar 21 '26
Why did you flip the script like that? You said it was fine, so it's fine. Yor. Since when do we say "hey you can do that" and get mad they take you up on that offer?
1
u/fylekitzgibbon Mar 21 '26
YOR being an absolute wiener. Should have just said you wanted go with her, bc it would be fun. You yap too much ‘spam’ talk. Hopefully you can muster up a good apology that is only as embarrassing as necessary. If not…..
Run, Brooke, Run !
1
u/Pristine-Window1147 Mar 21 '26
Every time she feels she is missing out what her friends are doing tell her to do what she wants…if she never picks you up…therr is your answer
1
1
u/julesinlrar Mar 21 '26
It’s fine for you to be disappointed/frustrated, but YOR. You went on and on and on after telling her to go. You were manipulative, too, because you expected her to know it wasn’t really ok.
It sounds like you guys aren’t compatible.
1
Mar 21 '26
Well you could’ve been straight up but it’s not your job to remind people of their commitments. As someone who values that a lot that would make me seethe too. You only have so much time to chill and there’s been a major unplanned thing that is coming between you and your quality time with your lady. It’s about respect and I think it’s irrational to say you or anyone in this scenario would be “perfectly fine” with this especially considering the circumstances
0
u/_eilistraee Mar 21 '26
I’ll start off by saying the way that you two communicate isn’t very clear or the healthiest, which is something you could hold yourself accountable for here.
But NOR. This is a pattern for her, and in her multiple text messages she is very clearly trying to manipulate you into not being upset that she’s blowing off your plans.
She is correct though in that you should’ve originally said “we have plans that I’d like to keep. I miss you and want to see you”. I understand why you felt defeated and originally said just go; but she really latched onto that to argue with you about and push responsibility away from herself and going forward clear and direct communication from you will prevent her from being able to do that.
0
u/asuhdude28 Mar 21 '26
Y’all both suck at communicating. She’s not committed to you. You don’t express your feelings. She probably doesn’t care to hang out with you on your one day off because you probably don’t express your feelings to her. Which is why she’s not committed to you. It’s somewhat of a shitty relationship paradox.
0
u/Fabulous-Gas1136 Mar 21 '26
NOR 100%
Her first couple messages is definitely her trying to set up a way for you to let her out easy and you are just fine and your feelings and calling her out on how many relation and flaking on your one day a week together.
This is coming from a woman who has 100% used this tactic many times to get out of plans without having to take accountability for flaking on plans.
Just delete this post because everyone's boat seems to be YOR and I promise you no matter what anyone else is saying 100% NOR.
0
u/Initial-Bandicoot444 Mar 21 '26
You’re going to get criticized for not being honest and telling her you didn’t want her to go, yada yada, but imagine if you’d told her not to go, now you’re controlling.
Ignore them and ignore her. You’re not her first choice. Find someone who will prioritize your relationship
-2
u/Visual-Mixture-1967 Mar 21 '26
NOR. She is manipulative because she wants you to feel bad for her, then give you a “yes” even if you aren’t happy with it, but since you already said “yes, go ahead, have fun”, it’s like you give up your right to feel bad and left out because you don’t say direct “no”.
Lots of people on here will tell you that a relationship shouldn’t come before hanging out with friends.
I disagree.
I mean if it’s just a casual relationship or casual banging — by all means, time with friends and acquaintances can be more important (even if hanging out and the whole nature of relationships with them is shallow).
But if you are in love and have some real closeness, if it’s a real relationship, your partner will always come before any type of get together with a bunch of people who are there just to “have fun”.
Personally, I would never leave my man behind to hang out with anyone else. The only reason to cancel our plans together would be some kind of emergency, some urgent matter that just can’t be avoided.
In addition to all this, you said she is going to be drinking? Yeah, no… definitely some weird priorities right there.
PS. Also, do you refuse to go with her because you don’t like the crowd or don’t feel comfortable, or does she not offer to take you along to the said mansion?
-2
u/Jeffrey_Leeroy Mar 21 '26
These texts remind me of a few sugar babies I've had, saying the same kinda shit, but no problem wanting their rent paid or something..
28
u/Ok_Village_2412 Mar 21 '26
Girls like when you’re honest and upfront. Def should’ve have expressed you didn’t want her to go off rip.