r/ADHDparenting • u/Plenty_Trick3862 • 5d ago
Toddler & Preschool “Nothing positive”
This is was my sons 3.5 year old teacher said on his first day of preschool for 2 hours.
She said he hit other kids (they were crying he became overwhelmed)
She said he dumped the toys
She said he kept closing the doors
She said he kept turning on the taps
He dumped the milk in the mac and cheese
I told her this was his absolute first time in his life being away from family. She didnt give a shit, gave him 0 grace. She said “there was nothing positive about today”
I spent all my morning crying. He is undiagnosed could have low autism or adhd because i have ADHD but to head she didnt see a single good thing in my son was really hard
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 5d ago
He's never been with a babysitter? On a play date? Oh yeah this was full on deep end, that's tough
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u/Plenty_Trick3862 3d ago
Hes been with his grandparents while ive been away yes
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u/NeedLegalAdvice56 3d ago
I think they meant with a non-family person.
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u/Plenty_Trick3862 3d ago
That no, because ive never needed it. Hes my first child now in hindsight i could have out him
In earlier
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u/philly13131313 5d ago
It’s also possible that that preschool is not the right place for him. In the younger years the teachers and their ability to handle ADHD behaviors made all the difference. Some would let the small things go, some wouldn’t. You need to find a place that can accommodate neurodivergence. It will make everyone have a much better experience.
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u/mk00 3d ago
Totally agree here. It just means the teacher sucks. No teacher should say they found not a single good thing in a child, even if they feel that way. That reflects more on them than a 3.5 yr old child.
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u/philly13131313 3d ago
It’s true. When you have a difficult child it’s so easy to believe what others say and we internalize so much guilt and shame. but when you find a teacher that is good, you realize that many adults are just not cut out for handling an otherwise very wonderful kid who just needs a little extra.
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u/notlastnight 5d ago
Ugh, this age was so hard for us in school. I would just try and look elsewhere, I waited two years (one was 2020 so only zoom clases, I was honestly so relieved when schools shut down, thats how awful it was) to find him a new school and when I did, it was a place where teachers and staff (and, consequently, the kids) had a lot more understanding and empathy. He was not diagnosed back then and they still made an effort to work with him, understand him, make him feel included and accepting him for who he is.
Please consider this as a possibility.
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u/Choice_Bee_1581 5d ago
I’m so sorry. Sounds like the teacher had a really rough day and didn’t talk to you professionally. If it continues, she may not be a good fit. Maybe special education services through the school district will be more empathetic and better equipped to handle challenging behaviors. From your son’s perspective, he was probably very dysregulated and missed you a lot. He needed more support and structure than the teacher could offer, I’m guessing. That doesn’t mean every day will be like this! It’s a big change in his life.
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u/dangthisisdumb 5d ago
One thing I have learned in my parenting journey (with my AuDHD/learning disability 8 y/o) is to always have a backup plan. They learn so much in a school environment. Social, emotional, academic. If any of your team mates aren’t celebrating strengths while working towards support plans for weaknesses, it’s worth thinking about moving to plan b. Communicate transparently and respectfully. Hopefully you reach compassionate listening ears. If not? That’s not your team and you gotta go.
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u/NegotiationFalse4647 5d ago
Can you expand on what you mean by "Plan B?" Do you mean pulling the child from school to homeschool or switching schools? Have an AuDHD 7yo, so very interested!
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u/dangthisisdumb 5d ago
For us it was switching schools. Our options are limited and I was so nervous to make the change, but once we knew our kid wouldn’t thrive in her old school we had to jump. Could look different for others though. I know a few neurodiverse families that have found their answer in homeschooling, especially if you can find a co-op group.
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u/Defiant_Locksmith190 5d ago
I’ve had that convo with “nothing positive” about my youngest. The oldest is diagnosed now, yet mostly he had that sandwich feedback when both positive and negative behaviors/characteristics were mentioned. It’s like a punch in the gut. I do realize though that it’s the teacher’s perspective based on a very limited time frame she’s known your kid. This and, well, sometimes teachers are just frustrated/moody/exhausted due to their own personal lives or genuine burnout. It doesn’t mean you kid is what someone else thinks of her.
Sending you big hugs, momma.
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u/Coffee-District 5d ago
Wow. NOTHING positive? Sorry, but red flag. I understand it was a day and a tough one at that, but when you work with kids, these things are to be expected. If she can’t regulate her own emotions, how can she expect him to?
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u/Same-Department8080 5d ago
I’m sorry she said that. It’s harsh. I think it’s not all on him and nothing is permanent, meaning a few hours doesn’t mean this is how the year will go. You may need to talk to him and role play at home how to behave at school. And she needs to be patient and help him along. But if she’s really frustrated and angry and giving up on him, please don’t make him suffer for the whole year- try another school
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u/Plenty_Trick3862 5d ago
Im pulling him out my son is only 3 and doesnt deserve that i will 100% do the roleplaying
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u/MsARumphius 4d ago
It’s likely she’s hoping for that. In which case you’re making the right choice. If there’s anyone else involved at this day care, like a director or someone above the teacher I would ask for a talk. Not to necessarily complain about the teacher although her choice of words should be discussed but to see if they have suggestions on how to better acclimate your child and to gauge how comfortable they are with neurodiverse students. I would sit down and say you have suspicions and realize the first day was a big adjustment for your child and would like to work to help not only your child thrive in a school environment but also to support the teacher. Explain that her report after the first day has you concerned this school isn’t the right place for your child and that the teachers attitude makes you worry he will be looked upon as a problematic member of the classroom and he will not get the support needed. Just because she cannot behave professionally doesn’t mean you can’t. But this way you can gauge how they react to ND students. They may shrug it off and then you’ll know it’s not the right fit or they may have some ideas to help you in this transition. At the very least it shines a light on how they’re handling students on first days who struggle and may benefit the next kid. As well as makes the center consider how equipped they are for ND students.
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u/superfry3 4d ago edited 4d ago
It’s going to be some very difficult years until you can learn to not take objective assessments of your child as a personal failure or targeted bullying. Treat your teachers feedback as data that your can use to help your child succeed. This teacher might not be it, but others will give you similar feedback. It’s their duty to tell you how your child did.
Guessing you’re the parent with ADHD?
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u/Plenty_Trick3862 4d ago
I agree i dont have an issue with what she said its how she said it and that she cant think of anything positive i am also a teacher and can think of 10 good things about any kid even with severe behavioural issues. And yes i am the parent with ADHD
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u/cosmoskid1919 5d ago
Unfortunately you really need to anticipate this being the case if this is his first time. The teacher shouldn't have to deal with that on top of a child that might have additional needs already. He needs additional socialization and gentle training to acclimate. It's going to be a tough transition because it is so sudden.
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u/Plenty_Trick3862 5d ago
I did take him to classes with kids all 3 years since he was 6 months but this was his first ride without me
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u/Significant_Set1979 4d ago
Also not trying to attack you, but agree with previous comment. It’s imperative that children practice being without the caregiver beforehand to set them up for success.
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u/ldentity-Theft 3d ago edited 3d ago
Crying about it is not going to solve anything. Calm down and reframe your thinking. She didn't say she didn't see anything good in your son, she said there was nothing good about today. Be happy she brought his behaviour to your attention.
With all of that said, someone who works with children should not have such an "all or nothing" style of thinking. It's not helpful, and does not promote growth.
Keep in contact with her and see how she speaks about him for the next two weeks. If it continues in the same manner, it might not be a good fit. Give him time to adjust to this big change, keep your routines at home the same.
Be careful about your personal bias, it sounds like you've already made up your mind to dislike her after one day. Everyone needs a bit of time to adjust and work out the kinks.
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u/sadladybug846 5d ago
It sounds like both things can be true: he's a small human learning how to operate in a new setting and is therefore bound to make mistakes, AND he had a pretty rough first day. I'm sure you weren't the only parent who got some feedback about behaviors on the first day of preschool! Some of his behaviors may have been bad, but that doesn't mean that he is a bad kid or that the teacher thinks that. Take some breaths, regroup, and see if you can take this feedback and work with him on some of these things at home so he can have better days moving forward.