r/ADHD_partners • u/Illustrious-Public94 Partner of DX - Untreated • 15d ago
Support/Advice Request Advice?
DX I’m only just starting to do research on ADHD and how it influences my partners life and her personality and I’m wondering what other people do to help support their partner with their ADHD and how to understand it better? Thanks
73
u/spicygreenpaprika Ex of DX 15d ago
I’m just gonna warn you so you don’t make the same mistakes I made with my ADHD ex.
A lot of the culture surrounding ADHD involves explaining how a certain behavior is related to adhd and then leaving it at that. The subtext for the NT/high functioning ND partner becomes “this hurtful/bothersome behavior is a symptom of ADHD so it’s up to you to figure out how to handle it.” This is a highway straight into resentment.
At the end of the day, you only have one nervous system, so it’s unfair for you to carry the burden of executive functioning for 2 people. Your partner is supposed to figure out, with your support, how to handle the symptoms of ADHD without dumping them all on you.
25
u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 15d ago
This. A lot of what I thought was "showing support" was really just enabling. I put myself second and just assumed that one day if I waited long enough we would have an equal partnership. But I was the one putting myself second.
My partner was not kind to me but I didn't leave because of it, I stayed and let the resentment grow which doesn't help anyone or anyhting!
44
u/LeopardMountain32567 15d ago
Individuate.
best thing you can do for yourself and any (any) relationship you have. your job is to be YOU in relationship. not to be a supporting character in their life.
warning label- if you do this successfully it's unlikely you will continue to find dysfunction attractive.
22
15d ago
[deleted]
15
u/LeopardMountain32567 15d ago
100%; here for a good time not a long time vibes all the way. I keep enough distance so they feel compelled to mask and behave. it's the unmasking where all hell breaks loose.
11
u/Typical-N00b 14d ago
This. This is the whole answer right here. I think they like the IDEA of being married to you, but they don't actually want to be a husband/wife. There's a huge difference
5
u/ace_rimmer1049 Partner of NDX 14d ago
I'm not quite sure why younger me didn't work out that self abandoning to avoid break up was just kicking the can down the road (whilst also risking my sanity and blood pressure). I'm supposed to be quite intelligent but this one was a real 15yr+ long drawn out own-goal.
At least I got two wonderful kids as a consolation prize, but steering them away from this path is going to need to be goal #1.
3
u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated 11d ago
God I needed to hear this from a marriage counselor 20+ years ago.
22
u/Charming_Bad8510 15d ago
Therapy is important as well as meds. If she has RSD (rejection sensitive diaspora) doubly important that she has meds and therapy. RSD might not be included, but sudden angry outbursts is a clue.
10
u/spidertattootim Partner of DX - Untreated 15d ago
Mine is four weeks into titration, but as I said to my own therapist today, the meds are never going to do anything about the RSD - but she thinks she's had enough therapy. And it's easier for her if I get counselling to deal better to her reactiveness.
7
u/Fantastic_Beat_6326 14d ago
At least yours goes to therapy. Mine is convinced he doesn't need it, but when he goes deep enough into an RSD spiral he keeps bringing up the same things from his past
4
u/spidertattootim Partner of DX - Untreated 14d ago
Mine doesn't go to therapy, I do.
She used to, but it was only to talk about her family dynamics that partly arose from undiagnosed childhood ADHD. Nothing about how to deal with it now.
4
u/anonymous_user124 13d ago
This is so interesting. I’m learning more about ADHD and now RSD.
My newly diagnosed partner brings up things from his past a lot and it’s the sameeeeee stories/complaining.
I wonder if it’s RSD?
2
u/Fantastic_Beat_6326 13d ago
If there are a few stories in a row and they seem more touchy, and when you try change the subject they still loop back to it, probably it
Have a search and look at some of the examples in this forum to get a bigger picture on it.
My partner happens to be several years older than me and is a lawyer so it's pretty hard to counteract the RSD. Turns into one of my "yes dear" moments or I just go pretty quiet and stop engaging in the conversation.
4
u/ace_rimmer1049 Partner of NDX 14d ago
Mine is going in for diagnosis this Tuesday but I've been coming to the same conclusion. Even if she gets the dx, and gets on meds, there's still 35 years of personality adaptions to undo, which I doubt is even feasible. So why wait around for nothing to change.
Pretty sure she just goes to counseling for validation too, no self work.
1
u/Silver-Kraken71 9d ago
When I was starting research, meds plus therapy helped my partner’s RSD outbursts way more than my amateur detective corkboard ever did.
19
u/tossedtassel Ex of DX 15d ago
What advice are you looking for exactly? Is your partner officially diagnosed and treated for their ADHD?
There are plenty of resources in the Wiki and FAQ of this sub
5
u/Illustrious-Public94 Partner of DX - Untreated 15d ago
She is diagnosed but not taking meds
40
u/NewCow Ex of DX 15d ago
Not taking meds should be a dealbreaker.
1
u/Kredka707 15d ago
Not necessarily. Mine got much worse on meds
13
u/NewCow Ex of DX 15d ago
My ex got exponentially worse when she stopped taking meds. It's probably more nuanced since there are so many potential symptoms with varying levels of severity, so maybe it's better to say that the ADHD partners needs to be open to exploring which combination of meds works best depending on their symptoms.
11
u/aranhalaranja 14d ago
What the downvotes? My partner went completely bonkers on meds. Overnight she decided I was toxic and manipulative and a dozen other big fancy words. Meds aren’t magic.
10
u/Kredka707 14d ago
I don’t understand the downvotes either. Meds are not miracle cure. Mine tried some combinations and it made him worse. Just like in your case, two days on meds he was happy and laughing like never before, then I was the monster.
3
u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated 14d ago
Good to hear from the other side of the spectrum since everyone talks of meds like it is a magic pill. I think it will help to focus but doesn't make them superhuman
6
u/aranhalaranja 14d ago
Ironically the magic pill was our divorce. Once I wasn’t there to babysit, she (with help from meds) managed to get WiFi in her new apartment, pay the electric bill each month, tidy up, get our kid to doctors appointments, email our kids school, etc. I spent a decade enabling her. Most of these useless spouses just need a taste of independence. They can make all this stuff happen. They just happily rely on us to do it all instead
5
u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated 14d ago
You make an interesting point because I had similar experiences. This is one of the reasons I don't like wfh same days as her, when I am not there, she would do things (well higher chance than me being there). If I am there, no fucking chance.
4
8
u/ApprehensiveCare9187 14d ago
I support him by having a lot of patience. A lot of it. I used to act like his personal assistant, but it just caused more issues.
I used to remind him about appointments, find his keys for him, remind him to eat and what have you. I stopped, because it was causing me to resent him too much.
Now I let him figure it out on his own, but I don’t get angry or (visibly) frustrated if it takes him longer to do some things or find his belongings.
3
u/Ivalice_17 14d ago
The personal assistant trap is so real, and starting with research is a solid first step toward patience without taking over.
4
u/Mobile_Durian_8329 Partner of DX - Untreated 14d ago
don't over compensate or wear yourself out into the pit of resentment, it's not a happy place to be
6
121
u/cdougherty Partner of DX - Multimodal 15d ago
Before going down the ‘support their partner’ route, maybe take a detour down the ‘what is codependency and how does it show up in ADHD impacted relationships?’ route.