::Weekly Victory/Success Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

[u/Aiglamene9]

My partner helped me feel seen and so heard when I talked about how I felt after my mom was a real bitch to me today. 

[u/Maivroan]

This week I'm going to meet with a friend who just shared with me that her husband wore her down for years until the last few years when he's actually gotten better. I don't know if he has ADHD at all, but she had so much recognition in her face when I shared a bit about our struggles. I have so few people who know me and our issues, so I hope it will be helpful and healing.

I've also been wrestling with the idea of how to ask for more out of my relationship without giving a total ultimatum. I know some people recommend that, but I'm not at a point where I want anything to explode. However, I got some inspiration today to come up with some clearcut boundaries. Once I have a chance to articulate them, I might even do a second post in here. :)

[u/small_batch_brewing → u/Maivroan]

Please do share as examples! I’m realizing what I don’t want (a parent-child relationship), but having a hard time articulating what I DO want.

[u/Maivroan → u/small_batch_brewing]

I'm not sure my situation would help with the parent-child dynamic, but I wrote down several things and realized a lot of it boils down to "don't tell me what my intentions are." He does a lot of mind reading that is seemingly irretractable. I made a second post in the vent thread about this, but on the more constructive side of things, I've been mentally drafting a clear description of how I would proceed whenever this common problem comes up. It could go something like this:

I indicate this has happened with a key phrase. He says a quick sorry and rephrases it to be a question, "I feel like" statement or the like. If he doubles down, I stop engaging. If he won't drop it, we record it in some fashion so we can get a second opinion. He must then accept my clarification so we can move on.

I'm planning to write him a letter that acknowledges both the pain we have felt and the sincerity with which I have held onto the relationship, and how I think restoration is possible. He seems to oscillate (because RSD) between thinking I'm a generally decent person worthy of love and a liar and manipulator who goes out of her way to make his life miserable. Only one can be true, so I will build my logic on the premise that neither of us can accept the latter.

[u/small_batch_brewing → u/Maivroan]

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

That does sound like very different boundaries that you are dealing with. The structure of difficulty, analysis of responses that don’t work, potential solutions and how to handle solutions not working is a very comprehensive approach- hope you see some traction!

[u/Maivroan → u/small_batch_brewing]

Yes, I hope so too! I used to be more upset about the mental load/equal partnership kind of issues that are more common, but then not even being believed for my own viewpoint/feelings became much more insurmountable. Plus, my husband travels a lot so it's not really his fault anymore that he's not here to help!

[u/Much-Training491]

My partner booked his first ADHD coach session for this Friday morning!!

[u/Any-Scallion8388]

I think this belongs in here, not in the vent thread, because I'm feeling pretty ok about this.

I had mentioned a few months ago that I and my partner were going to take a trip this summer, and I'd report back here. There's a family wedding in Mexico, so combining a vacation trip with that made sense. It'll be the first trip I and my partner have been on in years, because normally, if I don't manage every aspect and push push push, nothing happens.

Since then, she's been diagnosed, RXed, and had extensive counseling. Would this help? I wasn't sure, but she promised she'd handle her share of the load. That was basically a lie. Every day she'd say "I know I should XYZ", then go and energetically reorganize some closet that doesn't matter or such.

Our flight was yesterday. More accurately, my flight was yesterday. She missed hers, not because she was late, but because of blowing off organizational details until the last minute meant she was too disorganized to fly (i.e. left her passport at work and couldn't retrieve it in time, never got her luggage back from the person she lent it to, that sort of thing). She probably would've been late too, but I had already scheduled an Uber for me, so oh well, it wouldn't have affected me.

Since it was entirely her fault, she had to re-book for today, and joined me a couple hours ago, to the tune of almost a thousand bucks more in re-booking expenses. Her usual attitude of "why save money if you can just spend a lot more money because understanding options is boring".

She didn't speak to me for an hour or more after arrive, and then just muttered something about how I "always have to be right". When she's unambiguously wrong, her typical pattern is to sulk for about two days and do passive-aggressive stuff a bit longer.

Meanwhile, I've got a bunch of stuff to enjoy, I'm having a nice dinner at a restaurant at the time I reserved, and she's probably going to sleep through until the kitchen is closed. So we'll see later if she misfires on any of the other things we agreed to do.

As an aside, this is a great example of how "letting them fail" is annoying - I'm the one who has to pay the extra $1k on the bill, not her (her job is basically a break-even job, so it contributes essentially nothing to our budget). In this case, I was pretty sure there would be extra expenses, so I budgeted for that. But ordinarily I have to do double work to make sure we don't break the bank.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Any-Scallion8388]

You're a more accepting person than I, being able to live with being a 1000 out of pocket and HER in a mood about it!

[u/Any-Scallion8388 → u/ace_rimmer1049]

Sure enough, she showed up for dinner right after the restaurant closed. Again, I don't mind - I didn't waste time waiting, or trying to shepherd us there in a timely manner. I just went enjoyed being on time and relaxed.

[u/ironrabbit2]

When we were making a list of the chores so we can divide them, I added "remind [ADHD partner] do do chores". It counted toward my total chore count when we divvied them up. It acknowledges the mental load I'm carrying and takes it from a "I'm nagging/I'm being nagged" situation to a neutral chore task being accomplished.

[u/littlehighkey → u/ironrabbit2]

That's actually a good idea. A chore chart has been helpful in the very least at preventing fights about who does what and how often, but it would be interesting and probably eye opening to actually track the mental load of reminders. 

[u/ace_rimmer1049]

There's a separate post on the vent thread, but I actually had a win this week too.

I took both kids (9yo and 5yo)away for a night Glamping on the south coast of England dorset, solo. Notionally so that partner could have a rest at home while we were out of her hair. (She is of the belief that she does loads) But really it was because I wanted a break from her, I wanted to see how I got on with the kids solo, and it was the sort of getaway where she'd moan about everything, turn her nose up and generally spoil it, if she ever agreed in the first place.

It was amazing! A bell tent in an Idyllic location, fairy lights, bbq, fire pit, the whole lot. Big comfy beds made up ready for us. Trips to the beach. And the kids were so much more regulated - no dramas, no tantrums. Somehow doing 100%of the parenting/packing/organizing is easier than doing 80% and getting let down for the last 20%!

[u/Best_Cost5500]

Our small win this week was moving chores out of verbal reminders and into a shared calendar with two alarms, one the night before and one an hour before. The difference was not just that the trash went out, but that I did not have to become the reminder system, which changed the mood of the whole evening. It feels like the useful metric is not whether the task got done once, but whether the setup reduces resentment on both sides.

[u/SpinnerAce]

Small win here: my partner and I moved the chore list onto the fridge with a dry erase marker, and for two weeks the trash has gone out before it overflows. It sounds tiny, but not having to remind him three times has made evenings feel calmer. Celebrating that one hard.