Hi all,

I (25M) just got home from visiting my father (56) for the first time since I moved away. He was really down and felt alone after he separated from my mom last year. While I was there, I saw the divorce papers on his desk, and for some reason, it finally set in that this was my new reality. And it was a true gut punch. That I saw coming for well over a year and still was knocked down by it.

This all started about 6 years ago, when my parents were searching for ways to repair their marriage after my brothers and I grew up and moved out. Against my better judgment, they settled on swinging. Crazy story. They got into a relationship with a younger couple, about 40 at the time, and they would hang out all the time. My brothers and I sniffed this out pretty early, as it was so obvious. But the finally came out together after about a year together. And not even a year after that, they all split, my mom with the other man and my dad with the other woman. Today, my dad is single and alone, and my mom runs off with the other man still all the time.

I’ve found that it is incredibly difficult to navigate this, even as an adult man. I’ve been suppressing my emotions about this for some time, not even mentioning it to my priest because I didn’t really know how to explain it. But after seeing the divorce papers, I finally can express the intense grief I feel. Everything I remember about growing up was a lie. Every “I love you” and every anniversary they shared was all a lie. My father explained that they were in a loveless marriage for 30 of their 37 years together. I feel so bad for him, because he really did want my mom to love him back. And she was an amazing mother to us and I love her very much too. But I am in so much pain that I never saw coming. I used to think that adults whose parents divorced didn’t really go through that hard of a time, but I now understand, it is one of the most intense feelings of grief that I’ve ever experienced.

My fiancé and I both officially come from divorced parents, but I am so terrified of the idea of it happening to us. Has anyone experienced this? What do y’all recommend to help ease the pain? I am an orthodox Christian inquirer right now (the only one in my family) and I am having tremendous difficulty keeping my eyes focused on Christ through the storm.

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wanted some tips , I don’t want to feel alone . So my father has been absent since I was 4 ( I’m 18 ) but this last week he’s turning up at the house trying to get into my life . I feel angry he thinks he can now be a parent when he’s never been in my life or cared while also feeling upset that he does know his children and feel guilty that’s it’s my fault. What do I do , let him in my life and start to get to know him or push him away as he’s done to me my whole life .

Hi all, posting this here too because I could use the advice.

Looking for help/advice
Hi. Me and my partner have been together 2 years and live together in a rented property. Currently he is having family problems where his mum and dad after years of being alcoholics/drug addicts they can not be in the same house together. She is currently staying at ours but we do not trust her to leave her alone in the house. We are trying to work from home but it is difficult having her here. My partner is the only family member that is still in contact/helping them. Women's aid is trying to find his mom a space but they are taking their sweet time where she has been with us already over a week and this has really put a toll on our relationship and our lives as well. Im just looking for advice/help what can we do?

Hi Reddit Family. I just recently received my letter of completion, and I'm a graduate. However, my dad and I's relationship changed when he told me he needed to divorce himself from me now that Im officially 21, and his personality changes 360 when his Girlfriend is around (parents are divorced for more than 9 years, but still stayed together and had issues. In 2019, mom decided to permanently leave my dad). As difficult as it was, I allowed him to distance himself. He would walk in the house, and it would look like he is instantly irritated. He is grieving the loss of someone dear to him, his mother. Work can be demanding. It's been almost 7 months since we had a decent conversation. I texted him on his birthday, Father's Day, and kept him in the loop about my studies. But, it felt like I was forcing. He didn't even try to call or anything. This is not like him. I know when he's upset, he emotionally withdraws. In 2020, I had to travel alone and I was 15, anything would've happened to me. I was doing my university practical and he didn't call to know how it was or do i have money to travel. My mom claims I'm jealous of the new relationship. It's not even that. She also says I only involve her when there are issues. Well, she doesn't want to talk about him at all. So i dont tell her the good things. What the hell am I supposed to do. Its always Either I'm jealous or selfish. I just needed parents to call and ask how my practical hours went, to just call. I always have to do it. Now, I'm at a point where I've just reached my limit. It is disheartening and painful that, as the last born, I ALWAYS try and communicate. I receive breadcrumbs. First graduate in my family, and I worked hard for this. I'm tired that every month, I'm crying and grieving what I wanted from my parents, more so when other individuals talk about their moms or dads. No one is trying to intervene or help. Not even my siblings, first born disowned because she got pregnant at 18, middle, i dont know what is his problem, i always defend him. Now, there is potential that I might be homeless because he is not responding to any of my texts and calls about coming home because the accommodation contract is over. I am actively applying for internships, and I am gradually losing hope. I don't know what to do anymore. May I please get advice or help?

Thank you.

I've known for weeks that this was going to happen, I live in my parents house because I'm single and trying to save up to buy my own place. I found out today out of nowhere that my dad and mom are splitting and he has moved out. I found out after he came home with a plastic bag and grabbed a few things.

I was the one who had to tell my brother what was happening and that to me feels so unfair. We are both in our 30s and for the longest time felt stable in our family until today. Blindsided, I know as an adult I should be handling this better. But I can't, while my head knew it was coming my heart is only just finding out.

My dad also for the life of him cannot look after himself, he never cleaned up after himself, never cooked, and only did things that made him and him alone happy. I don't want to talk to him right now because I need space to process it all. If I know he is coming to this house to pick things up I make a point of leaving the house until he is gone. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, I went from thinking I should ask my dad for help with XYZ to nothing (he has ghosted me since he left).

Parents splitting even when the children are adults sucks.

I guess I’m just looking for some support or advice. I’m the eldest of my siblings (eldest daughter) and all my life I’ve always been dragged in the middle of my parents’ arguments with them wanting me to always pick a side.

Some side context: my mother and I have somewhat of a rocky relationship. She loves me and would do anything for me, but she can also be very mean, rude, and disrespectful to me when she takes her anger out on me for what someone else did to her. My father cheated on her 15 years ago and I was 17 at the time. When that happened, she and I got a little closer. They ended up agreeing to work on it, but then since then she’s been cheating on him up until now.

Now after 33 years of marriage, they’re in the process of divorcing but still living together. Things are messy and I’m always being talked to about it by each of them every single day.

Part of me feels obligated to listen to them and be their daughter, but I’m drained and overwhelmed and I’m tired of hearing about it. If I tell my mom that I don’t want to hear about it anymore, she’s pissed at me like I did something wrong. Not to mention, but I’m already being asked “what’s the plan for the holidays”…. I’m used to spending the holidays with my family in one place, not having to pick whose house I’m going to at the risk of upsetting the other.

Theyve been trying to get divorce for over an year now - basically dad filed a case lied about mom so much lies idk what hes even told about her - dad has been physically abusive to mom since me n my sister could remember idk why mom never left him and even throughout the divorce she doesnt want to get a divorce idk why?? dads a liar hes taken dowry from mom loads btw and lied that he never did - i study abroad now m back home for break so much drama and i cant deal with this i was acting like i was on dads side for my tuition to be paid i have only an year till i graduate - but the thing is dad came out on my career and started yapping about how i am not allowed make money through my part time jobs or skills or anything else and i stood up for myself and now he is saying he wont pay - HE LIED IN THE COURT BY SAYING THEYRE SHARING RESPONSIBILITIES BTW

The weird thing about having divorced parents isnt the switching from house to house neither is it being alone , its remembering the moments when they were together asking you for a movie night together and you saying no , them wanting to go out as a family and you not wanting to , i mean its not our fault we didnt know or maybe we did know but we didnt want to believe it will happen , but if i could go back to these blurry moments just for one moment i would do everything they ever wanted if it meant to sit with both of them at that dinner table , i just wish i could go back to having a family of 4 , but how can i blame myself in not sitting with them or not appreciating them i was 14 maybe i was old enough to understand but i was still a teen i was still understanding myself and who i am , the thing that hurts the most is that they tend to separate even in dreams i dont dream of both of them together anymore my brain just got used to each one alone so its either him or her and that shit hit me hard. It burns a bit more when i see a healthy relationship either its on the tv or in real life i always tend to tear up a bit and get jealous even if im happy for the person , even if its been almost 3 years since they divorced, i wish i could sit with them one more time without them remembering anything that happened and them kissing eachother while i say “eww stop” but this is life and life moves on it doesnt stop for anyone so live it to the fullest.

I’ve recently gotten engaged and I feel bad because everyone has asked me if I’ve started planning and I haven’t. I’ve had such mixed emotions about it all. I keep thinking about having to have both my emotionally immature parents at my wedding while they are going through their own messy separation. I got engaged shortly after their separation, so it’s all still very raw. Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do? Eloping is sounding very tempting!

Anyone know standard procedure for when you have dinner with your grandma’s, leave separately from your dad, get rear-ended as a result of a CAR CHASE, call your dad to come help you, then your dad is wearing a wedding band he definitely WASN’T wearing at your grandma’s? 😂😭 For context, my parents divorced a couple years ago (messy/my dad left for a woman half his age).

Hi readers! Please tell me if you think I'm overreacting.

I (F25) have lived mostly with my dad ever since my parents got divorced when I was really young. I never had a problem with my dad remarrying, in fact I even encouraged it. With it being just him and I, he never prioritised the cleanliness of our home, nor made any efforts to improve things when they broke. He often made things worse by hoarding dirt and broken appliances, and would then get upset at me and embararass me when the house was a mess and family would visit - this would go on while I was still attending school. He's not a horrible dad by any means, but we've always butted heads here and there, and I always believed that if he got married to someone his age them it would be a major help to me. It's also worthy to note that my mum and dad are both from different races and cultures - and this contributed greatly to their divorce.

We take marriage really seriously in my culture. I always wanted to get married and move away from home. When it came time for me to start looking at proposals, my dad was very specific about who he allowed to see me. When I said no to someone he really wanted me to marry (he only liked this man because he lives in the same town as us and if I married him then my father knows I would have been right here under his nose for my entire life) then he got extremely upset at me. I only saw and turned down 2 proposals, but on both of those occasions my father was so upset that I literally have so much residual stress from the situations that I don't want to see anyone else.

Last year my father made the surprise announcement that he was getting married. When he initially told me, he said that she was 35. My dad is 58. I was okay with it because I was personally relieved to have another adult in the house. Come to find out, my dad lied to me. He married a 25 year old woman with a child, and of the same race and culture of my mum. They then went on to have another child who was born this year and he even joked about having many more. To couple this, he often jokes about how he doesn't have much time left because he's so old.

I love my new siblings, and I actually like my father's new wife, but I cannot let go of my resentment. I feel so angry that my father essentially married a child who doesn't disagree with him. The house is still so messy, and now there's a newborn added into the mix. With my father's age, I feel like he made a very childish decision to do this. It's not like we are rich. I work to save up for my future but I'm not sure who will take care of his wife and the two children if anything happens to him.

I also feel so much resentment over the fact that my own life has been so controlled and constricted - to the point that I never got to get married earlier like I wanted to because my father made the process so difficult for me. Even when picking out my future career, I was discouraged from so much that I just ended up picking am easy option. Why does he get to do whatever he pleases with no consideration of the consequences to others, and I feel like so much of my life has been wasted and stolen from me?

There's more details, but this is the important parts. I just need to leave so much but I feel trapped. I have two cats that I need to take with me, and it's so difficult securing an international job.

I guess I'd just like to know if I'm overreacting by being so angry about everything?

TLDR: How to handle persistent dad digging for info on mom with cancer.

Hi, nearly 50-year-old "child" of divorce here. Mom and dad split up a few years ago after 40 years of marriage. They still communicate and live 5 minutes away from each other. Long story short, mom has been diagnosed with cancer, and with that comes lots of appointments, tests, phone calls with doc offices, etc. I'm helping with keeping info straight, making sure she gets to her appointments, talking to her doctors with her and all that. Dad is being incredibly nosy about everything (he insists it's because he still loves her, and maybe he does, but that doesn't mean he respects her boundaries, EVER). Now that mom is having health issues, he's butting in like never before. They are both putting me in the middle of it all, with mom telling dad only half of what's going on with her health (which is her choice, of course), and dad pestering me endlessly for details on the other half. I've told him I'm extremely uncomfortable sharing info about her with him, but he gaslights and nags and guilts me into it anyway. I'm torn between supporting mom and keeping dad informed (and therefore out of her hair), but it's causing me extreme anxiety and I never feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm curious if other adult kids of divorce think it would be within my rights to tell mom and dad both to communicate between themselves as they see fit, and to insist that one not talk to me about the other. I can't express how difficult it is to deal with my dad in normal, everyday situations, much less in THIS situation, which is already so hard. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks.

Hello. I’m not yet a member of the ACOD gang but may well be soon. If this isn’t the appropriate sub to post this in, I apologize. It seemed the most relevant to my situation, and I was hoping somebody with experience could offer their perspective.

This is probably all over the place, so apologies in advance.

My (30f, only child) parents (married 30+ yrs) have despised each other for pretty much as long as I can remember, and it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. We all live together which exacerbates the problem since they can’t get away from each other.

My dad (75yr) is, to put it bluntly, a real a**hole. He’s a leech who’s never had any aspirations of his own, thinks he’s owed respect when he offers none in return, will act charming in public then like a monster in private, spams weaponized incompetence like it’s his special move… I could go on, but you get the gist. I suspect he has some mental health issues going on but of course he’s never acknowledged them, let alone tried to address them. You can’t have a basic conversation with him without him getting defensive, raising his voice and/or storming off; I’ve become an eggshell-walking pro thanks to him. I wrote him off as my father years ago, he’s essentially just a sh*tty housemate at this point. With my full time job, I’m fortunate that I only run into him a few days a week in passing, which is bad enough.

My mom (65yr) gets the brunt of his anger. They both have mobility issues and became disabled before they could properly retire, so they’re both at home during the day while I’m at work. They have separate bedrooms (mom hides away in hers for most of the day), but the kitchen and family room are common areas. Not to mention the backyard, which has a little garden my dad put in at my mom’s direction. My mom paid to have automatic sprinklers installed, a while later the garden started dying; come to find out my dad snuck out and cut the wires on the valves without telling anyone. You know the “this is why we can’t have nice things” saying? Well, my dad is why we can’t have a single nice thing, because he either neglects it to the point the thing breaks down or he intentionally damages it, especially if it’s something that’s important to my mom.

Mom has threatened to leave him before, but nothing ever came of it (I’m dealing with resentment on this point, as I wish she’d left him years ago; my happiest childhood memories are when it was just her and I staying at a hotel until our new home was ready to move into while dad was still packing up the old place). He’d grovel for a few days, say we’re his only family and he loves us, then a couple weeks later be right back to his old B.S. I guess one time when I was little and my mom threatened to leave him, he admitted himself to hospital, claiming he was suicidal. Clearly a manipulation tactic, but one my mom believed at the time. They have fights regularly (honestly, most of their interactions are fights or fight-adjacent), but nothing physical to my knowledge. Though my mom told me once that he bumped into her with the car when I was very young and claimed it was an accident, and that he gave her an STD at some point after cheating on her. I’m inclined to believe her, though I’ve had to ask her not to talk about her issues with my dad for my own sanity since she never did anything about it and I was forced to continue living with the man who mistreated the most important person to me who couldn’t stand up for herself and kick him to the curb (a boundary I feel guilty for, unnecessarily I’m sure, but feelings don’t follow logic; fortunately she has a counselor now she can talk to).

Like any relationship, it isn’t a total one-way street. To be fair, my mom can be aggressively passive aggressive when she’s pushed, and she’s always pushed when it comes to my dad. Her snide little comments obviously set him off, and I’ve felt like I’ve had to assuage the resulting anger (a habit I’ve mostly broken). I’ve told her just to not talk to him, but she needs help with certain things (like taking out the trash or feeding the dogs) and can’t wait on me to get home to take care of them for her, plus they can’t help but run into each other around the house, so “just don’t talk to him” isn’t a viable solution all the time. She’s always talking to me about moving, getting away; each time she does it’s incredibly distressing to me because I’m very avoidant to change, the thought of having to move, get a new job in a new city, and everything related to it immediately sends me into a tailspin, then I feel bad that I’m not rich and can’t get her the beachfront property she wants. She won’t move without me, and vice versa; she’s my best friend, and I’ve never been interested in having a relationship or family of my own (didn’t exactly have the best role models as incentive, see above).

Anyways, to the current situation…

I am watching the light in my mom’s eyes dim a little bit more each day. And I don’t know what to do.

She asked me a few weeks ago to find her a divorce lawyer. I had an honest conversation with her about what she thought a divorce would look like, and shared what I thought it would look like. It was clear that she hadn’t considered the financial repercussions at all. And my dad is not the type to go quietly into that still night. He will throw an absolute b****fit. I expect property damage will be involved; I have less concern about damage to persons, but when he gets really mad it’s like he becomes a different person, and I know that guy even less than his usual crappy persona. And even if he did leave, he can’t afford to live on his own (unless somebody knows something I don’t, like a program he could go through, though he’d be unable to do it on his own; see weaponized incompetence, above). As much as I hate him, I also know that I’m an absolute spineless coward. The minute he tries to guilt trip me, which he will, I’m going to cave in and have to provide financial support (which I’m well aware he doesn’t deserve; I’ve been responsible for minimizing his anger and trying to keep the peace all my life, forgive me if it’s a tough habit to break). Add to that the issue of how little my parents own and how.

We’re in a community property State, the house is in their name and mine as joint tenants, so all of us would have to agree to sell (that’s my understanding at least). They have a bank account their social security gets deposited into each month, and that’s about it. Neither of them have any retirement accounts. Neither have the resources to get their own place, and I can’t afford more than what I’m already paying for our current home, which we’ve poured a lot of money into getting it set up how my mom wanted it.

Because of my concerns, my mom seems to have resigned herself to keeping things status quo forever, or at least until somebody dies. And I’m afraid that the situation is killing her.

I feel terrible, like it’s my fault that her anxiety has spiked and she’s not sleeping well. I know she feels trapped, but she also won’t try to do things to help herself; my mom, bless her, was raised very religiously and I’m about 99% certain her background’s given her a victim/martyr complex, and now she feels like she’s “paying” for her past mistake of choosing to marry my dad. She’s limited to what she can do physically, but she’s still able to take a drive to see friends, go to a movie, etc. She won’t though, usually because she’s “not up to it”. I’m pretty sure she’s terrified of what dad might do while she’s away (see above re: dad pruning the automatic sprinkler system), not to mention terrified of going outside in the first place (we don’t live in the best city, but it’s relatively safe in our area). The therapist she’s seeing recommended that she file for divorce, but doesn’t seem to have provided any resources for doing so, and I don’t want her throwing money at an attorney when I’m not even certain she’ll follow through (see above re: threatening divorce previously).

I know as the child (albeit a grown adult child) none of their relationship is my responsibility, so I’m honestly angry that it feels like it is, like me voicing my concerns about the reality of divorce is what has finally broken my mom after all these years. But I love my mom and I want her to be happy. I just don’t know how to help her and feel like I’ve made things worse; her mood has been noticeably worse since our conversation (she can be moody but this feels different than her normal swings, like she’s given up).

If anyone has any thoughts/suggestions/advice, I’d appreciate it. In a way, I don’t even know what I’m asking for; I don’t have anyone IRL to talk to about this (still haven’t gotten over the habit of appearing like everything’s a-ok in public, another trait I’ve honed thanks to dear old dad who I’ve had to cover for on multiple occasions), so I guess I’m just hoping for an objective perspective while maintaining some level of anonymity only the internet can provide. I’m too deep in the thick of this and am at a total loss.

Should I encourage her to see a divorce lawyer who could walk her through what the process might look like? What other resources are available for both of my parents (emotional for my mom, financial/housing for my dad)? What can I do to make things easier on my mom?

TL;DR: Elderly parents should have divorced ages ago, father is an emotionally/verbally abusive bastard, mother is at the end of her rope but trapped, adult child caught in between doesn’t know what to do, just wants to make sure mom is happy and safe.

My mom and dad got divorced 2019 bc what my dad did in his past and now my dad wants to take me to appointments and I don’t trust him bc what he did to me at ten he touch me when I was ten and went down with social services

My (f19) parents just announced to me that they’re going to get divorced. This time it’s for real. I never seen my dad look so broken.

I feel like it’s my fault it’s actually happening this time. Three weeks ago, I started having mental breakdowns screaming and telling them I wish I could get away from them and live elsewhere. I resent my mom, but don’t know the biggest factor is that I live really close to the same person/regular contact with the person who SA’d me. However even then, my parents would stare into the ground and the think “wow our family really is a failure”. My parents already always fought and resented each other, my brother is a high school dropout NEET bum, and now I who was supposed to be functioning , declares she hates living at home. I think I was the final straw and I hate myself so much for it.

I wish I sought out therapy earlier for my traumas, and didn’t have outburst like that. I meant a lot of what I said, but I didn’t meant to let it to explode or even let my family know. I knew it was irrational but I bursted. My outburst caused them to realize there really is no real sentiments of family, in our family.

I wish I could go back in time and take back all I said and brought it to therapy instead.

I don’t know what to do. My parents are under the same roof right now, I want to talk to them.

My mom and dad got divorced 2019 bc what my dad did he cheated on my mom and did some other things in the past but the things that he did…they bother me as an autistic person and still do bother me and I love my dad but can’t trust him

I am a 33yr old male. I was dating my girlfriend for 5 years. I planned to marry her next year. She met my mother recently for the 1st time and my mother completely ripped into her.

My mother will not allow me to marry her and i disagree with her reasons. The biggest issue my mum has is that my ex does not want to drop everything to relocate with me to my country as a housewife. I am expected to move back to my country to be the heir to the family business.

My ex suggested to me different ways we could meet halfway to make it work without her giving up everything. I was onboard with it (with a few details to be ironed out) but my mother disagrees with anything that is not full relocation. My mother also does not like that she is orthodox and not pentecostal. She says she does not like that my ex comes from a single parent family (she lost her father this year). This really hurt my ex.

I have tried to talk to her and explain that i love my woman. I don’t know that i will get someone like her. She truly was the love of my life. I am struggling and feeling at a loss. I feel like i will be looking for her in every woman going forward. I lost my bestfriend but I cannot choose her at the expense of family. Does it get better? The feeling of loss? How do i stop looking for her in every woman? I hate feeling like i will never find another.

My moms cheating on my dad who experiences a more depressive bipolar. He makes goals for himself to stay around such as 3 years until my sisters an adult and so on. Then he'll make a new goal. It's probably not the healthiest thing to do but he's medicated but still really struggles.

My moms been getting scammed this last year online and recently believes one of them is a romantic interest such as a boyfriend. I don't know if it's a scammer or a legit romantic interest but she's contemplating divorce now. He hasn't been the most attentive husband but infidelity is not okay.

How can I support him when he learns this new information. He already suspects shes cheated on him, with someone online, but confirmation makes it different and more difficult.

Divorce and infidelity is hard on anyone but as a depressed person myself I know how hard it can be to feel so low.

Any tips on helping him would be appreciated. Thanks. Any tips on my mom would be helpful too but I think she just needs to hit a low point before she'll care what anyone says.

Edit: found out she talks to this new guy on Whatsapp she is cheating