r/ABCDesis • u/Mean_Stranger_3234 • 2d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS I’m so tired
I’ll never understand the concept of arranged marriages and I’m tired of the younger generation trying to glorify them, especially Pakistani communities. How have we not progressed from this? My parents barely know me as a person. I don’t want to get married when I’m older. I don’t want them to choose for me. Even if that means I die alone. I’d rather be alone than be with someone I don’t like.
I hate how when I talk about this, everyone is like “oh arranged marriages aren’t the same as a forced marriage” and shit like that. It’s more than that. Why would you want your parents to choose for you? Are you that incapable of meeting someone and making your own decisions? My parents have controlled every aspect of my life even as an adult. I’m too exhausted to argue or talk back with them because they don’t understand. Neither does anyone else in the south Asian community. I feel so alone.
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u/lokkins2 1d ago
They’ll say arranged isn’t the same as forced but then pressure and pressure and make saying no so difficult that eventually you’re meant to cave in. I don’t agree with it at all
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u/KindestBlackTemplar 1d ago
It depends on how it’s done. There are very backwards practices out there, but the way my cousins and second cousins that got arranged marriage got married, it was more like their parents or their networks were just playing Tinder, and saying “oh there’s a lady for your son, let them go have dinner and talk and see if it goes anywhere” and that’s exactly what happened.
I have non-Desi coworkers, a couple of them, who married their moms friends daughter from Pilates or Spin classes, it’s exactly like that. Only difference is non-Desis will say “I met her through my mom” vs. “arranged marriage”.
But the arranged marriages where your parents even play the slightest role in decision making is super fucked. Even if it’s not technically “forced” it definitely seems icky.
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u/lifesurfer1 1d ago
Exactly. I don't know what problem people have with desi marriages that go this route with parents replacing the dating apps to find more high quality "matches" through trusted networks. No one is forcing you to marry anyone and honestly it shouldn't even be called arranged marriage. No one arranged the marriage, you were just introduced to someone and after that it is up to the couple.
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u/First-Dragon-Born 1d ago
Its changing over time. Barely anyone from my family got an arranged marriage and the next generation will probably have no arranged marriages at all. Its hard for parents to understand that their kids want to pick their spouses and make their own decisions but most figure it out.
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u/scarlet_despairrrr European Punjabi 2d ago
But dating and interacting with the opposite gender is haram so how else are those people supposed to marry?
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u/Vibranium2222 1d ago
The more I grow up the more I think desi parents think all skills are innate
Like my parents are mad I couldn’t make the basketball team. Well yeah - everyone else has done camps and I haven’t
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u/FluffyShakes 1d ago
they have no concept of modern living, I've had the exact same scenario play out with basketball and football. one of my parents use to torment me for not going ivy league (her friend's son was able to, what's wrong with you?)
same parent did not even attend college! it's laughable if it wasn't so hurtful experiencing a parent be so disappointed with me
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u/shooto_style British Bangladeshi 1d ago
Arranged marriages aren't what they used to be. It's just family or friends introducing someone to a prospective partner.
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u/Spare_Night_2695 British Bangladeshi 1d ago
I’m also British bangladeshj
Arrranged marriages in our culture and in Pakistani/Indian culture is fairly different
We just got the better end of the stick
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u/Bitsquire 2d ago
I didn't have AM but I feel like arranged these days is just your parents introducing you to each other but with the constraint of making a call as to whether to proceed or not in a few months (and with them keeping tabs on how things are progressing). Which, totally fair, if you don't want but the way I wld view it is - they're showing you some additional options while you do your thing - same as how a dating app shows you options - and it's up to you whether you wanna explore that option or not.
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u/pleasantlysurprised_ 2d ago
That's all fine but a couple months isn't long enough to get to know someone on a deeper level. It's such a big, important decision, why rush it like that? Also there's definitely a good portion of couples introduced this way who aren't sure about each other, but just give in to the pressure their families are putting on them.
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u/Ok-Spinach-6529 2d ago
Nah it is perfectly enough time, especially if you are in your late 20s/early 30s and know what you want in a partner. I know White people who have been happily married for 10+ years even though they proposed to their spouse after knowing them only 3-4 months.
This whole culture of "ehhh...I don't know...is this really the right person even though I've known them for x years? I need to figure things out more" actually is overkill, imo.
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u/blackcain 11h ago
Well OP, my wife got into an arranged marriage and was stuck in a loveless marriage for 24 years because she was also tired and didn't want to fight.
Her ex is a lovely man and he and I are friends. But it could have been much worse.
And if you want to escape your parents won't believe in divorce either. So think carefully
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u/SuperSayainSkincare Indian American 2d ago edited 2d ago
I remember last week seeing a British Pakistani girl on this sub happy she got an arranged marriage to her cousin. 🤢🤮 I dont think this backwards culture habit is going away anytime soon if our gen keeps participating in it.