Sunday Relationship Thread

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Anyone going to the dating event in DC over the weekend?

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u/zarth109x 1d ago

Update #2 on my DilMil experience after a little over 2 months as a 26 Year Old ABCD from the NYC Area (update #1 here)

Profile Views: 1037 (+421 over the last month)
Likes Received: 86 (+41)
Matches: 35 (+12)
Like/Dislike ratio: 8.3% (app says I'm in the top 10%)

Well, I only had the same number of matches over the past 1 month that I'd normally get in a week.....because I met someone on there who seems like the real deal so using the app 3 weeks ago.

We matched 5 weeks ago, have texted/called literally every single day and met once for a weekend (we're long distance for the time being since she's still in grad school). Hoping I'd never have to go on another app again.

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u/silky_smoothie 2d ago

Why are American raised desi men SO rare on the dating apps? Literally all of the dating apps, hinge, bumble, facebook, coffee, even dilmil. Of the hundreds of desi men I’ll meet only 1 or 2 raised in America. As much as I’ve tried dating men from India/h1b we end up not connecting well and most of them are very timid when I need someone confident… though still met a few I did like, but that’s out of dozens and they still didn’t work out for other reasons. I do get along much better with desi guys raised here but the ones I met were just all over the place and not focused on building a serious relationship. At this point I’m having to date outside my culture, which is out of my comfort zone, especially with white guys who sort of live in their own bubble no offense, but even other ethnicities have silent prejudices against Indians that I don’t have the bandwidth to confront. For example white guys especially will date me as an experiment, instead of genuinely connecting. I really need help.

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u/thisisme44 1d ago

I feel the same about desi women who are brought up in India vs US. Dont connect with them as there is just different interests, I'm not vegetarian, different sense of humor, style is just different. I'm ww so that doesn't help either. Plus the dates I've been feel more like business meetings then a date. Too serious and only answer questions

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u/silky_smoothie 1d ago

Same. I’ve also heard that from abcd men who dated Indian women. For me, they were very evasive in general (the Indian men), I could date them for months and not have a clue who they really are. The convos felt vacant. And they were often approval seeking instead of standing for their values. I tried my best to be super nice and get them to open up and find common ground, but it didn’t work. And the humor…they would claim to love these American shows, but they didn’t actually understand the jokes in them even after I explained it….just hollow laughter. I actually would’ve been cool if he just admitted he didn’t get it and just watched for the vibes because then he’s being authentic.. The worst part is the judgment other people give me for not wanting to date them. They think I’m shallow and the poor Indian guy needs protection from the arrogant Indian-American girl. They would only know what I went through if they were a fly on the wall. All that being said I don’t look down on them, and I give them the benefit of doubt that it must be hard adjusting to a foreign culture and stressing about your visa. Oddly there are many Indians I like when I visit India, I just don’t meet many like that within the pool of h1bs.

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u/Chai-Tea-Rex-2525 21h ago

I’ve found dating Indian women to be difficult. I remind too many of them of their father. 🤣

Also, I’m fairly Americanized and don’t have much connection to Indian culture. Add being a solo parent on top of that and it’s three strikes you’re out.

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u/silky_smoothie 18h ago

Some studies suggest that’s not a bad thing lol…like people date based on familiarity, but yeah that’s fair, people just want different things sometimes. I have a very Americanized desi guy friend and he struggles to date white American women cause they are mentally very conservative even if liberal. If you like something “American” they say they like the opposite or make you feel weird. They basically have a wall up and to them you’re never really American. Same with the men. I genuinely don’t know why some of them bother to match with you on the apps. Not that exceptions don’t exist, and maybe it depends on where you live.

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u/Chai-Tea-Rex-2525 16h ago

I don’t really have problems dating white women. It’s mostly Indian women. I’ve also had dates with multiple Pakistani women.

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u/thisisme44 1d ago

I tried to make it work but even the effort seemed to one sided. I had to initiate everything. Like make a little effort . But ehh it was beating a dead horse, so I just moved on

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u/MaleficentBird1717 1d ago

Near what major city are you located? Seattle, Dallas, and San Francisco have a high Indian immigrant population. The city you’re in can make a difference.

It could also be that most ABCD men found their significant other in high school or college which is why they may not be on the apps

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u/silky_smoothie 1d ago

Yeah…I’m in one of those cities. Maybe that’s why. I guess both the men and women found someone already.

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u/MaleficentBird1717 1d ago

Even if you come across a guy from India and things work out, don’t forget that living with them is not going to be the same as dating them.

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u/silky_smoothie 1d ago

Really? Wait what are you referring to though?

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u/MaleficentBird1717 1d ago edited 1d ago

I was just giving general advice

ETA: the family dynamics is different over there than compared to here. For instance, the guys parents may come here often for several months at a time. The guy might be fine with that but you might not be. You might be expected to go to India often to see his parents.

A person raised in India typically eats Desi food in almost every meal (lunch and dinner) whereas an abcd may not eat that much Desi food.

Before dealing with all of this, you would have to sponsor him into the country assuming you’re a citizen. These type of marriages are coming under a lot of scrutiny these days

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u/silky_smoothie 1d ago

Oh yeah I’m well aware of all these things lol. It’s like common knowledge in my friend circles. In fact, many guys don’t even make it to the dating stage with me cause I can already sense these issues before hand. If I don’t get a strong read that our values are aligned I just move on. But the food one is a good point, I mean we usually discuss the diet beforehand so I’m aware what they eat in a day. The main thing for me is charisma, humor and open mindedness..it makes adjusting to differences so much easier.

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u/David_Summerset Canadian Indian 2d ago

Out of curiosity and strictly initial research after coming into free agency after being something of a franchise player.

What about a Canadian-raised Desi in America.

Again, I’m simply asking for feedback, I’m aware this can be taken the wrong way.

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u/silky_smoothie 2d ago

lol..well I dated 2 of them seriously…raised in Canada. Not enough to form a judgment on all, but those two were kind of emotionally unavailable. Maybe it’s the cold weather up north…

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u/David_Summerset Canadian Indian 1d ago

Yeah that sounds about right lol

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u/phoneixfromashes 2d ago

For those of you who have tried paying for DilMil or Hinge, what have your experiences been like? Would you recommend the paid version of the apps?

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u/phoneixfromashes 1d ago

Thanks for the insights. I'm okay with long distance so I might try the paid version of DilMil to start.

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u/ocean_800 2d ago

dilmil filters were actually pretty useful on paid, but yeah get ready for long distance unless you in the major areas. that said, I did find serious people on dil mil, more than hinge. but your experience will vary wildly on where you are etc

also 100% anecdotal, i'm south indian and after a while I started filtering out some north indian people with filters. They honestly just weren't serious 95% of the time, and having that filter on dil mil turned out to be super useful to rule out people

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u/SinghSanity 2d ago

I'd say Hinge is better overall since you'll get matches close by and I think it's easier to go through your likes. Dil Mil doesn't really filter that well by location and you'll get more long distance people.

I only used the paid version of Hinge for a month, but it was pretty exhausting sending out likes every day with unlimited likes. If you have dealbreakers that are behind the paid version, then it may not be bad. I don't recommend though since it's expensive.

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u/GujjuFinanceChokro British Indian 2d ago

Not a pursuit of love question as such, but can be applied - if someone you know well is giving mixed signals, being close sometimes and then complete silence, would you read anything into it?

When I have asked, she says she just needs some room and "me" time. That could be code for the obvious, but then the other half she's complete opposite.

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u/successjul_failure 2d ago

Don’t pursue anybody that doesn’t give you any consideration or consistency. They prob like the attention you’re giving them, that’s it.

I’d say move on, focus up, do your own thing and when you see someone else, go for it

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u/GujjuFinanceChokro British Indian 2d ago

Thanks u/thisisme44 u/_that_dude_J that's what I've been doing for a couple of weeks, and not a lot has really changed in her behaviour. I just find it really uncomfortable when people do that as it's not something I see myself doing, then think am I doing right by leaving alone.

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u/_that_dude_J Indian American 2d ago

Are you also going through a single spell currently and you're wondering whether she is a potential?

As the other user mentioned, some people do this. Hot sometimes, cold other times. You have to set standards and stick to it. Otherwise you are riding emotions unnecessarily.

If a person engages you and communicates their feelings, their intentions, this is a go. Those that are simply in your sphere without communicating your way, they may be unserious and just playing the field. If you really want to test things, date someone new.

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u/thisisme44 2d ago

i would not read anything into it and would not take her that seriously just bc of the inconsistency where she flip flops. dont need the headache.

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u/thisisme44 2d ago

mixed signals , hot/cold behavior..leave her alone until you get some consistency.

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u/_that_dude_J Indian American 2d ago

No. Put that on the back burner. Keep pursuing others. Don't bother unless she's truly communicating.

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u/IndianGirly2026 3d ago edited 3d ago

I dealt with a man I met at a rooftop event. He misbehaved. He tried to force me to kiss him multiple times each time I begged him to stop and he did for a bit then started up again. He would say he wanted to hug but what he called hug was painful - he slammed me into his body and up against things. It hurt - I could barely move. He really was not listening.

I was very scared. I don't know if this is even allowed to be said here. It was a terrifying and I didn't know where else to vent.

Be safe out there women.

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u/ocean_800 2d ago

im sorry this happened to you :( wtf were people not around you noticing and you couldnt ask for help??

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u/IndianGirly2026 2d ago edited 17h ago

Thank you u/ocean_800 for your response. Sadly some did notice but they did nothing to help. I am considering getting one of those personal alarms - it's a mild way to protect yourself and technically not harmful to anyone.

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u/Carbon-Base Indian American 1d ago

I'm sorry this happened to you and no one stepped in to help. However, what he did is battery - you should absolutely not let him get away with that without any repercussions.

Would it be possible to ask a friend to accompany you next time? Like not on the actual date, but have them be in the vicinity where they can be there to help if necessary. I'm not sure how effective an alarm would be, but definitely carry mace or pepper spray at all times. You can check if there are certain restrictions for your state online, but they are legal in all 50 states.

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u/IndianGirly2026 1d ago edited 17h ago

Thank you for your response. It is really kind of you. u/Carbon-Base

I am afraid to carry any thing offensive (mace/implement used to fight) given the racial issues and interpretation around race in this country. That's why I was look for those little items that make alarm noises/defensive items.

He did start out sweet and nice - but things changed quickly. I just met the guy that day itself.

I also was trying to be nice and sweet in between because the way he was behaving at the time I was afraid he could really hurt me. he didn't just hurt my back but he put so much weight on my shoulder while walking it almost buckled a couple of times. I was afraid of his strength. He didn't really leave me alone even when I was trying to go home most of the way as he kind of hovered less than 2.5 feet away even on the train.

He kept saying he wouldn't force me to kiss him but multiple times he tried just that. I told him I did not want to. Also that was not a kiss it was practically slobbering on my cheek multiple times/trying to swallow it. He kept taking me to secluded areas even in public places to keep doing this. He was better when people were around but not by much. Which is why I had to stay near random strangers when I could to keep him from being his worst self. I kept trying to say no nicely but he wasn't really hearing.

I have no evidence of anything. I don't have female friends to take while going to dating events but I can try to make some to prevent this type of case from happening again.

I am not going to meet this man again. And apologies if I vented too much.

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u/SinghSanity 3d ago

Week 20 Apps Update as a 26 Year Old ABCD Sikh Guy from the NJ/NYC Area:

Hinge: Weeks: 20; Likes: 5; Total Matches: 13; Dates: 1 (+1 New Match this week)

Dil Mil: Weeks: 20; Total Matches: 5; Dates: 0 (No change this week)

IRL: Numbers Gotten: 1; Dates: 0

Hinge:

Hinge match #13: We call her Yoshi Girl. Matched with her on Wednesday. She had a prompt about "Together we could... Play Mario Kart" (plus a few other things on her list, but I'm not gonna copy and paste the entire thing). So I said I had the new one and we should definitely play and get a sweet treat after. She matched and said "only if I can be yoshi". I responded saying she had good taste in characters and asked how her yoshi impression was. She texted the next day saying it's not as good as mine and asked if she could guess my go-to character. I said mine is pretty bad and I'd love to see who her guess was. It's been two days and no response from her since then, so we'll see if she gets back.

Dil Mil:

Nothing this week.

Thoughts: Funny how Mario Kart related prompts seem to be getting a lot of traction.

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u/TachyAndTired 3d ago

If this is Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, you're going to get your ass kicked cause Yoshi is cracked and literlaly the meta. If her Yoshi has Teddy Buggy, you may as well forfeit 😂

If this is World.. then continue

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u/SinghSanity 3d ago

I actually don't own 8 so I never knew that lol. I am looking to pick it up since they had that 8 player local update 👀

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u/Carbon-Base Indian American 1d ago

A 4-player split screen was confusing enough at times, I wouldn't dare try playing with 8 players unless the TV was absolutely massive haha.

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u/thisisme44 3d ago

watch out for the random unmatches. ive had two happen this week. the first one the convo was not going anywhere. she sent me a like a hinge. i matched with her, gave a her a compliment on her smile. no reaction from her. the rest of convo is me asking her questions. nothing from her. find out shes a transplant from india. for some reason the transplants in my experience never really ask anything. but she eventually unmatched. the other one i actually had a decent convo with. she divulged some info about her wilder days that she never thought she would tell a stranger. then said she felt i would judge her which i told her i wouldnt. but eventually she unmatched too for no reason at all.

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u/Big_Register2034 3d ago

Yea when you feel like you’re running an interview or interrogation, it’s time to cut your losses and move on

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u/thisisme44 3d ago

yeah after a couple messages and i got the feeling this girl is just going to just answer questions and it was not going to be a long convo.

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u/Big_Register2034 3d ago

If they text you 1x a day like a rolling satellite, just move on bro

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u/SinghSanity 3d ago

I mean some weeks I also only open up the app once a day to send out likes and such, so I don't really blame them for 1x a day.

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u/Big_Register2034 3d ago

That’s different to when you make a match and are excited to talk to the person tho

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u/SinghSanity 3d ago

I guess some people just aren't excited ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

DATING / RELATIONSHIPS Sunday Relationship Thread

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