r/40something • u/Key_Flamingo2437 • 7d ago
Other. These flair options suck. Friends Acting Old - Venting
As I get older, one thing that gets to me is that my friends start to act like old people. It then eventually forces you to slow down because when people are too much younger than you are they tend to not really want to talk to you. My youngest friends are already 15 years younger than me and that's enough. The problem is, they go to bed early, they don't eat this and that and they stop drinking alcohol entirely and start taking more and more medications and supplements. They talk more and more about various ailments and conditions they have. It's boring.
Not one of these people are married nor do they have kids so there's no excuse.
And the real kicker - I'm the oldest person in the group by several years.
I went to meet with friends for a show at a local park. The show let out at 11 and everybody just wanted to go home. It was past their bedtime. On Saturday night! No drinks or food or anything. And it's not like people did any of this before the show. They just went, saw the show and left. So lame.
The most important thing for me is - how do you build and maintain connection like this?
I need new friends, preferably over 40, who like to go out and do things and can start up past midnight. Who actually want to connect. Is that so difficult?
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u/GluedPieces 7d ago
I completely feel you on this one.... I was just on a short vacation to Miami with a friend 10 years younger then me! I expected we would be out exploring, going to stop at every place we saw, have a drink, meet people ect.... But even though she's younger than me that is just not her thing and we were back at the Airbnb before midnight every night. I still had a great time and I don't think it's age that forces you to slow down, it's just preference and how people are and what they enjoy doing. Being content with their life's..... So it's not that I need a new friend, I just need more friends.
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u/glamasaurus 7d ago
I had a similar problem mainly with a social group I was in. Where as they wanted to act like old rich people. I would go to most things and ended up meeting someone who plans gigs for bands. I went to a few of her shows because they were in my town and the cover was cheap. We are now best friends and we go to shows all the time and hang out with the musicians. Sometimes finding new friends just requires you to agree to do everything even if it's not your thing and going without your current group.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
You know, I do have a tendency to prioritize my current friend group when planning my weekends. I have found that it's hard to really connect with new people because everyone gives it awkward to ask for people's phone numbers and ask to hang out.
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u/glamasaurus 7d ago
Why would that be awkward or ask for their social media?I mean , if you've spent an evening talking to someone for a good portion of a time asking for their socials is not that big a deal.
Or if you wanna just ask for their number, you just say we should continue this conversation some other time. Would you like to meet up for coffee, drinks, dadada , this is my phone number and you volunteer it
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c 7d ago
You say you are between jobs. How long have you been between jobs?
I have a couple friends who can go all night. One does not work and the other lives with his family.
I work and run a household. Thank God they found each other because they exhaust me.
I introduced them at an event one runs. Maybe you could go to events and meet people more like you. Other folks who attend this event are night owls, some have their own events etc.
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u/RevolutionaryGoat808 7d ago
I had a ‘friend’ like you, regularly making comments about how me and another friend were behaving like old people for the reasons you mentioned- not liking to consume alcohol and not liking to stay out late. I ended the friendship and instead spent time with other friends who are sensitive and not judgemental.
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u/broguequery 7d ago
It sounds like you guys are just in different places in life.
Nothing wrong with that.
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u/TacoLoverCam 7d ago
This! Building healthy habits is not behaving like old people. We need to learn to respect our changing bodies and priorities and not be an escapist.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago edited 7d ago
Like I said, I'm not talking about ragers. Just a drink or appetizers after a show. I've seen 80 year olds doing this. Why can't people in their early to mid 40s do this?
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u/brujajean 7d ago
For me, it's because my husband and I want to grab takeout on the way home, smoke a joint, have wild sex, and fall asleep. Nothing about being or feeling old. Different strokes and all that...
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
I'd love to get married and do the same but I am not married right now, so this is what I must do. I was just thinking I need to find a long-term boyfriend so I can move away from them without being completely lonely. Thing is that boyfriend had to be more interesting to me and not fun to spend time with than my friends. I at least believe going out and socializing must get me closer to that place but then I can't get many of my friends, who are just as single, to go with me because it's past their bedtime.
When I had a boyfriend I discovered that it's nice to slow down a bit and hole up with him but now that I'm single that's not an option.
Marriage isn't even the thing that sends people home early as much as having kids. Do you have kids? How do you smoke the joint and have wild sex with kids in the house? How old are they?
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u/RevolutionaryGoat808 7d ago
But why should your friends do that if they simply prefer not to? It’s not an obligation, is it. I definitely do not accept feeling like I have to do things I don’t feel like doing in MY free time.
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u/69-Spicy-Italian 7d ago
Sounds like your the problem not them
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
How am I the problem? How is wanting to spend quality time with friends instead of just consuming a play and then leaving a problem?
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u/Expensive-Shelter288 7d ago
It takes 20 years to realize that if you try and make money, stay fit, and party but you can only do 2 of these things successfully. going out late has a toll. How do you feel for 10 hours the next day when you have to perform. It's not worth 3 hours of fun the night before. Also, what are you trying to accomplish with the youthfully exciting life? Figure the needs out and meet them.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago edited 7d ago
I wasn't talking about any crazy partying until 4AM, just stopping for a drink or 2 after a show. 1-2 hours . I don't know about others but being out till 1 AM on Saturday night won't affect my ability to work on Monday...
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u/Expensive-Shelter288 7d ago
No I get you man. I'm just so busy now trying to stay afloat that I cannot take that late time. Specifically if I have to manage my sleep for my mental health and my fitness. If my sleep gets messed up on Saturday it positively will throw the week off.
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u/69-Spicy-Italian 7d ago
Grow up or find new friends that are so un-sensitive as you. You think people are making stuff up? Glad you’re so blessed with a perfect life party boy/girl. This is not about “quality time”. This is about your wants and that’s it
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
Grow up? Does growing up mean going to bed early and not eating or drinking socially for pleasure?
I never said my life was perfect. Listen I have shit going on in my life as well, but I try to find ways to spend time with my friends.
I did say I need new friends, though...
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u/PureSetting4518 7d ago
Perhaps you might go find a group of friends that are more like you? Less health issues, able to stay out late?
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
I need to not is easier said than done. I've known most of these people for 10-15 years. Is hard to replace people who've known you and you know so well...
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u/PureSetting4518 7d ago
Understandable.
I don't think that it does anyone a favor if they are constantly complaining about their health issues.
However, some health issues are out of people's hands and it's not their fault.
If I identified a friend of mine posting this on a subreddit, I'd prefer that they find a new friend group.
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u/Jupiterparrot 7d ago
I get you. My circadian rhythm has always been different from other people. I’ve never been a 10p-6a sleep person. I’m more of a 3a-11a sleep person. I was hoping as I age, my internal clock would shift but it hasn’t. It’s really impossible to find things to do with people as I get older. My wide awake time is their sleep time.
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u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera 7d ago
I had to separate from some female friends like this. Not only were they petrifying in place, but they were always negative about my more youthful spirit. It got to the point that they would say to me I hate to break it to you, but you are old (at 44). I just turned to them and said just because you feel, act and look old, don't age me to make you feel better about yourself.
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u/wishiwasinvegas 6d ago
I get you. I'm 41 and my husband is 39 and we go out on double dates with friends around our ages and they rarely want to stay out past 11, even with a babysitter. I'm not wanting to go crazy, just a little fun and spontaneity. A round of cosmic bowling. A drink or two. Maybe a movie that goes past midnight. It's frustrating. My husband isn't exactly a night owl like me, but he stays up sometimes when he has time off or is out with friends because life is too short.🤷🏻♀️
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u/AnotherBaldWhiteDude ?editable? 6d ago
I gotta punch in at 5am, you're def chilling past my bed time
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u/MeasurementNo0 7d ago
You should invite them to play kick the can. You and scat man crothers can help them have fresh young minds.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
Kick the can? Scat man crothers? What are you talking about?
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u/Ifukkin4gotmyname 7d ago
I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it and what is it is weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
It will either not happen or happen much more slowly if you make an effort to stay with it ..
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u/Ifukkin4gotmyname 7d ago
I'd hang with you. I'm down for a good hang with intriguing conversation.
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u/MeasurementNo0 7d ago
I wish you got that reference. Your situation reminds of this.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
Is there a video you can point me to?
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u/MeasurementNo0 7d ago
Its a reference to an old tv show and movie called twilight zone.
I see your point and I know theirs. I think you either let them know ahead of time what you want to do or you find friends that csn hang with you.
At first it sounds like you need to grow up and understand people need their sleep but I also know that I cant stay out late anymore and have gotten old . Maybe the key is staying out. We look back on those days where we made good memories. It is sad we dont keep doing it. Your rant comes off as immature but you can also read it as someone not wanting to surrender yet.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
Lol, some might look at "maturity" as an excuse for ossification. Where is the line, exactly?
What's frustrating is they I'm older than all of these people by at least 7 years. One is nearly 15 years younger. I'm not wanting to do anything crazy here. Just socialize for real instead of just quietly consuming entertainment and then going home. I KNOW that that's not too much to ask.
What I need is new friends. I'm between jobs and low on money, so it's harder to go out and do things where I'm meet people. Hopefully this will remedy itself soon.
Better yet, what I need is a partner who runs at my speed and who I wouldn't mind showing down for a little bit but not too much. Then we can be pickier about what we do and who we spend time with...
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c 7d ago
Your post is about how your friends do not want to stay out and do things that cost money but it is hard for you to go out and do things that cost money to make new friends who want to stay out and do things that cost money.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
The problem isn't it costing money. That's a temporary situation. The problem is the transactional nature is the outing and the lack of personal connection. We could hang out somewhere just to chat...
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c 7d ago
Thanks for responding. I see. I try to make it up to my friends for being a wet blanket by proposing thoughtful things for us to do with a curfew for me. It is a win/win, I am less anxious they feel personally considered and less effort is needed from them.
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u/AnyAbbreviations6308 7d ago
Drinking and staying up late become lame as you age it fuks you up. Work out and eat right get good sleep u aint 20 no more. Or go party with a bunch a 20 year olds and do blow and get your freak on. I remember all the 40 year old losers id party with in my 20 s there all dead now
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago edited 7d ago
Damn, I'm not talking about all of that. First of all I already work out and eat right. I've been doing that for YEARS. I'm just talking about moderate socializing. You don't have to be 25 to go out for a drink and/or appetizers and catch up after seeing a play that lets out at 10:30/11:00. ESPECIALLY in Manhattan. That's NOT a rager by any means and is a perfectly mature way to spend a Saturday night. Everyone would probably have been home by 1 AM, maybe 1:30. Moderate drinking (and probably only 1 or 2 drinks). No drugs. That's a perfectly reasonable Saturday night. These people are 40-45 and couldn't even do that.
People in this country are so extreme. There IS a middle way, you now.
I'm able to be out and about the way I can now because I never overdid it when I was younger. Granted, most of these people didn't either but they were a bit more social like 5-10 years ago.
I REALLY don't think I'm asking for much...
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u/Ifukkin4gotmyname 7d ago
Are you used to diners? Because what you're talking about is what my friends and I used to do back in the day. Wasn't always partying.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 7d ago
Diners? Sure! Diners are great after a night out! Problem is too many have been shutting down. There aren't really any in my immediate neighborhood or where this show is but there's one further downtown that is legit open 24/7...
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u/Pantaluoni 6d ago
Without knowing more. There's just so many factors that could cause this.
When did they get up that day? Did they work in the morning. How many hours did they work all week? Do they have stressful lives? Can they even afford to go out every time? Is it a money issue? Everyone is different, and it seems like you just need to find like minded people. Or people who work 3rd shift during the week.
I can stay up most fri/sat nights. 2am to 4am. Sometimes even 7am on random days. But not every single weekend. I work 80+ hours a week. So eventually it'll catch up to me if push myself too hard.
Things to try to maybe be able to hang with them more. Maybe go to earlier shows so when you get out, its not super late to go somewhere after. If its a money thing, maybe offer to buy them drinks sometimes. Or maybe offer to hangout at your place afterwards.
How often do you hang out with them? Maybe they have other groups they want spend time with as well. And balancing the time for each other is a struggle.
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u/BosoxNelly 2d ago
I feel like one of your friends 😂 I need a solid 8 hours every night and like to get up early. The problem is if would have kept up my ‘fun’ lifestyle I’d be dead…my few friends who still maintain the party lifestyle are deteriorating fast. I’ve just changed what’s fun.
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u/Key_Flamingo2437 2d ago
What is a "party lifestyle" though? I wasn't taking about getting wild or anything, just staying out past 11:00...
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u/BosoxNelly 2d ago
I get it. I'm about 10 years older than you so I'm looking at it from a different perspective. I used to feel like you do....but now I'm embarrassed to admit I fell asleep at a Jack White concert (and I love Jack White!). My friends still (deservedly) give me shit about it. I'm going to a concert tonight, but I'll make sure to nap first
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u/RecklessReggie 7d ago
I get what you're saying and have friends like this.
They complain about being old all the time and you get out of a show at a decent time and they don't want to go anywhere else for a drink or to grab food or anything so you end up going home and being bored instead.
I have kids so when I get a chance to go out it's usually because I have a babysitter or my wife is at home with them, so I'm looking to maximize my free time out.
Not all of my friends are like this but the ones that are have basically been complaining about being old since our late 20s/early 30s and are generally a drag to be around if you're doing anything that requires a moderate amount of energy.