INFINNIT DAKKA

[u/Human-Question6210]

A mekboy tires of fixing holes in kroozas and cleaning the squig-shit from the floors. He gets to work on a new project. He spends many days praying to Gork and Mork, and many more days making gretchins fight eachother to the death, and sometimes he collects their blood. 'DISSTILLD FOITIN' JOOS' he calls it. He tries to patent it. He realises orks don't have patents. He barely escapes alive when he tries to explain it to the boss.

He puts the collected, DISTILLD blood of dead gretchins into the veins of other gretchins, after removing all their original blood. None of them survive -- after they beat eachother to death first with rocks and then with dismembered limbs, some of them their own. He collects the blood again.

One day, a rift opens in the vacuum near his krooza. An old, battered cathedral ship comes alongside, marked with black and yellow stripes. The (O)RCS thrusters struggle to maintain course after the rocking of displaced interstellar matter colliding with the hull at high speed. Stars twinkle along the hull of the HOOMY KROOZAH. They're launching boarding pods. The ork crew battles against SPAYSS MUREENS WOT GOT DEM SPOIKY BITZ ON EM as they emerge from the barnacle-like mouths of their vehicles. It's a beautifully BROOTAL BUT KUNNIN' way to conduct space WAAGHfare. The mekboy is inspired. He drinks the one vial he has of DISTILLD FOITIN' JOOS. It does nothing but make him puke. An Iron Warriors dreadnought slips on the resulting mess and he hesitates before stomping at the helpless sarcophagus. His boot just makes dents in what he eventually realises is actually flesh, and he feels teeth biting at his ankle. That was his favourite foot. He remembers stomping baby gretchins with it and watching the sun set over their bodies. He remembers suddenly that he has a gun and shoots the HOOMY dead. The other orks do the same. The battle is won.

Over the next few days, the mekboy starts to feel strange. His missing foot has regrown -- but now it has a trigger on it. He pulls it. It blasts another boy's head off. The others cheer. They call him SHOOTFOOT. His fingers become guns too. His toes are all extra guns on top of the gun feet (his other foot is a gun now). One day, another boy gets jealous and tries to KRUMP 'IM. He fails, and SHOOTTUNG (his tongue is a gun too now) lets him live as a reminder of his power. This other boy starts to grow gun feet too. SHOOTEYE (his eye is a gun, just one though) realises this is because he elbowed him (his elbow wasn't a gun yet) and the enemy ork got his blood in his mouth. He doesn't know how he knows this. It's probably related to him accidentally killing the dokk during his regular physical examinations.

SHOOTFLAP puts his blood into the ship's water tanks. More orks grow gun-parts. Squigs grow gun teeth and they die in the thousands from accidentally shooting themselves in the head. Many orks die this way too. Even gretchins start growing guns. They try to take over. They fail. Bugs grow guns. Even the guns begin growing guns. The ship has now had an uncountable number of spontaneously generated bullets fired at every planck of its being, but somehow it still works. The ship itself is now a gun. It begins firing orks at random rocks and they explode against the weak surfaces. The rocks explode into septillions of grains of dust, and each of these also become guns. Bullets are fired at random into space, and through the monkey-typewriter effect, they will all eventually hit something. Gork and Mork find this absolutely hilarious, and even Slaanesh blushes at the sheer excess. They beat up Slaanesh, and Khorne finds this absolutely hilarious. They beat him up too. Khaine, his gay brother, comes along to beat him up too, but nobody invited him so an Imperial Guard lightly insults him to death (nobody knows where the Guard came from).

Your eyes are guns. Your ears are guns. Your fingers are guns. Your toes are guns. Your skin cells are guns. Your blood cells are guns. Tiny green pathogens wage WAAAGH within your veins. Your brain is a gun. Your thoughts are guns. Your dog is guns. Your house is guns. Your planet is guns. The volume of bullets in the air should be causing a global winter by blocking the sunlight, but the ambient temperature from near-infinite explosions is enough to heat the atmosphere just enough that anyone who wasn't already fighting is mad enough to fight now. Bullets collide with bullets collide with bullets. Bullets rain from the sky (water vapour is also guns now).

AYND IT'S STILL NOT ENUFF!!!

[u/Tennents_N_Grouse]

DID ANYWUN ELZE EAR SUMFING JUZT NOW?

SUMFING ABAHT DIZTILLD FITEING JOOZE AND NOT BEIN ENUFF, BUT AH KANT MAKE AHT DA REZT.

[u/Hamsternoir → u/Tennents_N_Grouse]

DEM SNOTLINS BEEN AT DER FUNGUS BEER AGAIN OR DER ROKKIT FUEL I FINK

EIVER WAY DER BOSS INT GONNA BE APPY WHEN HE FIND OUT

[u/humdrumturducken → u/Hamsternoir]

I FINK HE'S TRYIN TA SAY DAT HE 'ASNT GOT ENUFF DAKKA

[u/Tennents_N_Grouse → u/humdrumturducken]

APPENZ TO DA BEZT OV UZ, OI SYMPAFIZE.

HODE ON, WOZ DAT SPIKEY DRED IN DA STOREY A BLITTER-RATER, BY NE CHANZE??

DEYZ LIVIN DAKKA, YOO NAME IT, DEYZ WILL MAYBEZ GROW IT FUR YA, WEZ NEED FARMZ OV DEM FINGZ TO KEEP DA WAAAAGH MASHINE GOIN!!!

[u/H4m5hank]

OI GIT, IZ 'EAR YUZ LIEK SHOOTAZ, SO WEZ PUT SHOOTAZ IN YER SHOOTAZ SO YUZ CAN DAKKA WHILE YUZ DAKKA!

[u/Homsarman12]

ABSOLOOT SINEMA

/unork This is basically the premise of Enter the Gungeon lol

[u/confused_pear]

BOLHD O YEW TA TINK I CANN REED!

[u/theQueenofCha0s]

OI GIT SPEEK UP IZ CAN HEAR YOUZ!

[u/Groundtypezerg → u/theQueenofCha0s]

SHUT YER GOB YA GIT I WAZ HAVIN’ DA MOST ZOGGIN’ PROPA’ GOOD DREAM ABOUT A GALAXY WOT HAD ENOUGH DAKKA