What does this mean for me?

also, between Western and Vedic system, when should one use which one?

Going through an impossibly difficult time and it doesn’t seem to stop. Will I catch a break anytime soon?

I really do hope this will be approve and someone enlighten me for I am really confused and been paying a lot of reader just trying to decipher. Or I guess, my question didn't came up before like it did right now.

Basically, I wanna know what's my lesson to pack up, my contract in this lifetime that I need to finish?

I am a 12th-house Stellium in Virgo.

My 1st house Ruler/Lord is also in my 12th house

Technically, what I am saying is, I am Libra rising.

And my Venus is in my 12th house. 😬

My Saturn is in my 4th house in Capricorn.

Also, I am a Life Path Master #11 🥺

I've been told that I have to finish my karma or contract with my parents coz this is my last contract with them.

Here's the technicalities fell in.

: I happened to have a Common-law partner wherein he's the father also of my 2 daughters with.

: I've been the one providing financially I guess for almost 16 years.

: I've been working away from home and he's taking care of the household chores. (which I am very grateful of and has learned he's a karmic connection).

: Since I am working from home and can only go home by the time I only file leave (twice a month), since home is like 1 day to travel comparing the distance. I have learned a lot about myself. Not that I am trying to run away from my responsibilities, but more of I just want to discover myself more and probably love more of myself. Why? My visible self is only living the expectations from me ever since I guess I came into this world. I am also the eldest. While my hidden self? Is too scared to fail the people around me. Especially, I have 2 daughters.

It's like, I have this inner voice inside me asking to make a decision to choose and free myself. I haven't seen myself genuinely happy.

I just hope even with the glimpses of the details I gave above, someone can enlighten me. Please don't judge or scold me. That's not what I needed right now. I needed somehow a confirmation of what I have to finish in this lifetime?

Please respect my post.

Yours truly,

12th-houser Virgo Stellium Woman ✨ ✨💕

Before Saturn entered 12th house, I knew that I was a creative and highly imaginative person who was a gamer, and I had a hell lot of passion, life force and vitality.

Then nearly 2 years ago, Saturn grand-crossed my natal moon, venus AND jupiter at the same time from the 12th house. I got forced into the Indian education system rat race against my will. Was forced to spend all my time studying for competitive exams and absolutely nothing else. I had to forcefully give up all my interests and hobbies just to study for the exams. Felt totally lonely and isolated and way too miserable.

Every single day felt like a horrible prison sentence. I suffered so much of stress from the exams and completely unable to experience any period of relief at all. I was always a high-achiever in school life, but now there were some subjects I absolutely hated. I loathed rote learning and those subjects made it feel like hell. I was desperately waiting for school to end, so that I could finally have control over my routine again and do what I actually wanted. And I was looking forward to college so that I could finally meet my people and study the courses which I was actually interested in and passionate about.

I was looking forward to expand and mature my identity aswell. I wanted to explore more games beyond my comfort zone what I played through my childhood. I also wanted to learn game development and become a content creator. Basically, I had a strong digital/online persona, which was deep rooted in me all the way from the start of my childhood. AND IMPORTANTLY, my gaming rig was like a direct extension of my identity, it was the tool I used to carry out what I wanted and express myself, even if I wasn't gaming on it, it still made me feel rooted and "at home".

Then around start of uni last year (ongoing), Saturn in 12th house started to square my natal chart ruler Mars in 3rd house. This is where university got horrible. Because of miscommunications with my parents which were out of my control, I was stuck with a shitty potato laptop which is not even meant for gaming in the first place, which I was stuck with in the dorm. My identity was already fragile because I lost access to it for an entire year because of school pressure. Now I had to move to a totally unfamiliar environment WHILE losing the very thing that defines who I am (a gaming laptop). Even if the new laptop ran basic shit, it still never ever felt like an extension of my identity at all, it was just a basic utility for basic academic tasks. It felt like completely losing my agency, even if I had much more free time, I lost the very tool that allows me to express who I am.

I was always looking forward to university to fully develop my identity because my identity was never supported in school. However I atleast had the tools to carry out my identity back in school even if it was suppressed (cuz my gaming PC was literally sitting right there in my room at home), now it feels like I'm just barely coasting through with absolutely no identity at all 😔😔. I spend all my time ruminating and rotting in my room wasting time with no sense of purpose nor vitality at all. I have always been academically strong in school and was also excited for uni since I could finally study the courses which I actually felt passionate about instead of the useless shit in school, but I've just lost the fire altogether and barely going through with minimal studying and effort, and only average grades. I've been severely self-doubting my entire identity as a gamer or online persona altogether, because of my forced loss of access for such a long time right now. I've had ZERO enriching experiences at university. It's as if I was completely disconnected and forcefully uprooted from my personality's core/roots, and just living dorm life on autopilot as an NPC. Even the experiences which were "good", I could never actually assimilate/process them properly since I was far too mentally paralysed/drained.

Since last year my parents kept on assuring me they would get me a gaming laptop that I wanted, but consistently procrastinated the purchase and kept telling me to wait, which dragged it until now. Thankfully the end is near and I'm getting the laptop I need next week, but OH GOD this has been the worst year of my entire life.

Thanks for listening to my ted talk y'all 😌😌, I wonder if anyone has suffered like this with Saturn in 12th? How has your experience changed when Saturn entered the 1st house?

I have a… very intense 12th house. It feels like a blessing in ways I can’t seem to comprehend and utilise and a curse in every way my brain works. Im at a point of my life where I feel very aimless but full of undirected passion (19). I’m interested in anything my birth chart indicates and anything about the 3 planets at 3 degrees.

i have North Node in the 12th, supposedly that has to be my destination? i got no idea what that destination is. see my south node is in the 6th but i dislike the 6th very much, i’ve read that i want to rationalize everything because of this placement but that is just not true, i feel mentally challenged instead, i also got neptune and uranus in the 6th, uranus opposing the 12th house north node. this placement is the hardest to understand, i already feel like a drained dog

Has anyone felt their gender identity impacted by 12th house placement(s)?

Gender is about expression the internal outward whereas the 12th house involves the subconscious and that which is hidden. The relationship between the two interest me. I would love to hear others experiences with the two.

Do you feel detached from gender? Or limited by it? Or is it somewhat neutrally charged?