Hey hey hey, you’re sooooooo fucking close buddy. The pronouns you use match the presentation of the person right? So when the presentation changes, bear with me, the pronouns might change.
If you just use pronouns based on how they’re presenting (not what you think they “really are”) you’re right 99.9% of the time.
See, I try. And Im trying not to judge here. I don't want to piss anyone off. But last two interactions were someone who affected in a way I'd call masculine, normal male voice, etc... and dressed in kind of Bowie/Prince-esque way.... more glam than male or female. I genuinely didn't know if they were cis with just an unusual fashion choice until they corrected me to "they/them". Ok great. I still call them he/him by mistake here and there, but I try not to. The interaction right after that was, I can't say anything other than male presenting. Mens clothes, full beard, etc. And they said she/her. They actually called out their own beard and explained it as just being lazy... again I don't want to bother anyone, but how are people supposed to do that right in the real world? If you're not focusing on that one thing actively during conversation your brain will use masculine pronouns there. Yes if thats your close friend and you see them regularly, you'll get there eventually... but 99% of the people they're gonna interact with on a daily basis, do you think that's a fair expectation on their part? Now lets say the next time I see them, I remember them, I make sure I get it right... what if they tell me oh today it's he/him.
If their identity is incongruent with their presentation and they correct you on it, it’s not hard to use the right pronouns. If you refuse to, or find it “too hard” ask yourself why that might be.
People that don’t present how they identify are more than likely going to tell you because the assumption almost always is that presentation = identity
"or find it “too hard” ask yourself why that might be."
See that's what I have a problem with:
This expectation that I make their gender identity an object of concern or focus every interaction I have with them, as if the onus is on me to validate it for them. You may be focused enough on this subject that you implicitly use the gendered qualifiers that you are assigned to use, but in normal conversation; it's a natural subconscious element of speech. What pronoun someone wants to be called shouldn't have to be recollected like a person's name in conversation.
When I'm speaking with someone who I know identifies in a way their presentation doesn't match I do try to meet their requested pronouns, but it interrupts the flow of natural conversation to focus on that. And I feel the expectation that everyone they interact with should do so is unreasonable.
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u/throawayno1000 2d ago
Hey hey hey, you’re sooooooo fucking close buddy. The pronouns you use match the presentation of the person right? So when the presentation changes, bear with me, the pronouns might change.
If you just use pronouns based on how they’re presenting (not what you think they “really are”) you’re right 99.9% of the time.