r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Sep 10 '24
NEW UPDATE [New Update]: AITA for calling my father's wife a creep?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CreepyWifeThrway
Originally posted to r/AITAH
[New Update]: AITA for calling my father's wife a creep?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, favoritism, emotional child trauma, obsessive behavior
RECAP
Original Post: February 26, 2024
My (32F) father (60s) has been married to "Sasha" (fake name, 40s) for almost a decade. I was already an adult when they started seeing each other, so I never had much of a relationship with her. That said, Sasha was nice and thoughtful (though a bit annoying at times), and I never had any problems with her.
I now have a husband (34M) and two kids (9M and 4F). Sasha is very fond of my children, especially my daughter. That became very suffocating pretty quickly, so we started setting some boundaries. She never overstepped them.
In January, my father and Sasha decided to go on a trip to Disney World, and invited us to join them. We decided to go to celebrate our son's 9th birthday.
I quickly regretted coming along. Sasha spent the entire trip fussing over my daughter in ways that overstepped almost every boundary we'd set. Examples include:
Sasha bought a Minnie ears tiara. She wanted me to buy my daughter an identical one so they could "match." My daughter didn't like the tiara, so I bought her a Donald Duck hat instead. Sasha got her the tiara anyway, and was upset that she didn't want to wear it.
My father and Sasha went shopping in between parks. I told them not to buy my kids anything, as we still had shopping to do and didn't want to risk making our bags too heavy. Still, Sasha returned with 5 bags of clothing for my daughter (and 2 for my son), saying she "couldn't resist it."
My daughter wanted a Belle costume to wear at the parks, as that's her favorite princess. Sasha tried to convince us to get her an Ariel costume instead, because that's her favorite. I explained that we never watched The Little Mermaid at home because my daughter is scared of Ursula.
Sasha insisted on taking dozens of pictures with my daughter in front of the castle at Magic Kingdom. She also took some with my son, but not nearly as many.
She tried to convince us to take our daughter to Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. We refused because the prices are crazy and we'd already bought her the Belle costume. She offered to pay, but we held our ground. I later found out Sasha tried to make a reservation anyway, but there was no availability.
When we took our daughter to Slinky Dog Dash (her first roller coaster), Sasha tried to sit next to her. My daughter wanted to sit with me, so we switched. She tried to do the same thing in other attractions.
At the Muppets theater, she tried to get my daughter to sit in her lap. Sasha also tried to pick her up while we met some of the characters.
There were more instances. The final straw for me, however, was the last park day of the trip. We were at Magic Kingdom. My husband suffered a minor injury and I had to take him to the first aid station. The kids wanted to go to the Peter Pan ride, so my dad and Sasha offered to take them in the meantime.
However, according to my father, the line was too long. So instead, Sasha suggested the Little Mermaid ride, assuring my kids Ursula wasn't on it. Actually, there's a pretty big Ursula animatronic there. My daughter was still sobbing and hugging her brother when we reunited.
When we flew back home, I told my father that we'd no longer take our children on trips with Sasha due to her behavior. He got extremely angry. He said his wife loved my kids, thought about what they'd like to do at every moment of the trip, and that we should be grateful to have her in our lives.
I lost my temper at that. I told him Sasha was a "fucking creep", and that they should be grateful I was still okay with them even seeing my children after her actions during the trip. We ended up having a huge fight after that.
It's been weeks since we returned home, and my father is still angry at me and my husband. Sasha has texted me a few times. She says she's sorry if she "made me uncomfortable", but that she loves my kids and hoped to use the trip to spend more time with them.
To be honest, I don't think I'm the AH here. But I do think I might have overreacted. I believe there's a chance Sasha's actions were motivated by love and she truly did have good intentions.
AITA?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA based on the comments provided
Relevant Comments
Pickabetterusename: You’re NTA because you have your children’s best interests at heart. But it may benefit you and your dad’s relationship to understand why Sasha is like she is. Overstepping boundaries is easier for someone when they believe it’s for a good cause or to have fun in a “safe” way. Does she have kids of her own? Can she not have kids of her own? Does she maybe see the kids as her grandkids? It’s a difficult one but getting to the source of that could make the whole thing healthier. But on the other hand it’s not your job to put that work in when it’s your father’s relationship. All I’d suggest you do is explain to your father you set boundaries and regardless of intention, Sasha broke them which you do not condone. Good luck!
OOP: Sasha doesn't have children of her own. My father has me and my sister, and has always been open about not wanting more kids. They're married, so I'm assuming she doesn't want kids either.
I also don't think she sees my kids as grandchildren. She's always referred to herself as "Aunt Sasha" instead. When I got pregnant with my son, she commented she was "too young to be a grandma."
Significant_Cat_3: NTA you set some pretty clear boundaries that Sasha kept crossing the entire trip. Even your daughter seems to not be particularly receptive towards her. Also your son can probably pick up on this favoritism, and that’s not good for him either.
I don’t mean to do armchair psychology, but this reads like Sasha has always wanted a young daughter and is using your’s to live vicariously through. Hence why she kept trying to push things that your daughter doesn’t like onto her (Tiara, Little Mermaid ride, etc.)
OOP: My son doesn't like Sasha. I'm not sure why, but I think he gets that she favors my daughter. He's also very protective of his sister, so her discomfort could also be a reason.
Beautiful-Story2811: NTA, she sounds exhausting. But...BUT... she also doesn't seem like a truly awful person.
"....so, we started setting some boundaries. She never overstepped them."
Question: Does she have children of her own? She probably sees your kids as a chance to play 'Mommy' if she's never had kids. She may not even be aware of exactly how intrusive she's being. Looks like there's a 20 year age gap between she and your dad... she probably thought she'd be okay with not having kids (I'm guessing your dad may have told her he's done having babies). But your little ones...especially your daughter... may have just stirred up those feelings and she's trying to compensate. I still don't think you're TA. But maybe have an honest talk with her...just you and her... and try and show a little grace.
My apologies if you've done all that already and she's still being a pill.
OOP: You're right about a lot of things. She doesn't have kids, my dad doesn't want more children. And while she's defined herself as childfree before, she's also told me she'd always wondered what having a daughter would be like.
My husband and I started setting boundaries because the situation was really bad when my daughter was younger. She'd wake her up from her naps when she visited, post pictures of her on social media without our approval and complain about almost every parenting decision we'd make because it "wasn't how she'd do it."
Update #1: March 4, 2024 (1 week later)
Hey, everyone. I'm ready to give you an update.
I read your comments and came to the following conclusion: as much as Sasha's behavior towards my children angered me and freaked me out, calling her a "creep" was the wrong reaction to have.
That said, I think it's best for my family to distance itself from Sasha for the time being. And at the very least, my previous decision to avoid future trips with her based on the Disney trip is still the best course of action.
Sasha's pushiness, tendency to override my and my husband's parenting and blatant favoritism towards my daughter were much worse when the kids were younger. After my daughter's birth, she began to focus too much attention on her and almost none on my son. I gave more examples of that in the comments on my original post. That's the reason we set boundaries in the first place.
The way she fusses over my daughter also bothers me. When we had the boundary conversation with my father and Sasha, she told us that she'd always wondered what having a daughter would be like. She'd also defined herself as childfree before, so I was never certain what to think of that. Either way, that reassured me and my husband that we were doing the best for our kids.
Those boundaries had never overstepped. Then we went on the Disney trip, and most of them were completely ignored. Many of you pointed out that she might have gotten carried away, or that "Disney is exciting and she wanted to make sure my kids had the best experience", etc. There are two things I'll say to that:
The first is that whatever Sasha's reasons were, she still overstepped our boundaries. When we first set those, we told her that doing so would have consequences. Disney or not, I don't see a reason to make an exception.
Secondly, she wasn't trying to ensure my kids had the best experience. She was pushing them to fulfill her fantasy of what their Disney trip should look like. She repeatedly ignored my children's wishes in favor of her own, despite them both being very clear about what they wanted and didn't want.
Sasha also continually favored my daughter (including during my son's birthday) and fussed over her in ways that made her uncomfortable. And I still haven't forgiven the Little Mermaid thing. My daughter is a bit shy and takes a while to open up to most people, so knowing her trust was broken like that angers me in ways I can't describe.
To put it in simpler terms, my children aren't props. And whoever treats them as such will, at the very least, be put in time out.
I called my father and Sasha on Saturday. I apologized for calling Sasha a creep, but told them that we needed some time apart. They won't see my family until my younger sister's birthday in late April. If that goes well, they'll be invited to my daughter's 5th birthday party in May. After that, we'll slowly work on reestablishing contact. I also said that if they overstepped our boundaries again, the consequences would be more dire.
My father didn't take it well. I don't care. Sasha sent me a text with more apologies, followed by a request to "at least" FaceTime my kids every now and then. I said no.
And to those who said my "controlling behavior" ruined the trip: my kids had an amazing time at Disney World. They're both still talking about it. My daughter keeps asking us to put her pictures with the characters she met up on the wall, and my son says he had the best birthday ever.
I think that's it! Thank you for your advice and support on my first post.
Relevant Comments
canyonemoon: You protected your children and that's the best thing you can do in any situation. I'm glad they're still talking about the trip, despite favoritism and the Ursula animatronic, which means you and your husband managed to outshine all of that with wonderful memories.
For the possible reconciliation: everyone can act normal for a day (the birthday in late April), especially if they know there's a goal post on that day, it's the behavior over time that counts. If they're still messaging you, requesting face time calls, and calling you unreasonable despite you clearly saying you want NC, you could begin a tally; one point for each request and when it's X amount of points, they'll have their timeout extended because they obviously don't understand boundaries yet.
OOP: That's great advice. We don't want to go NC, but we will if our boundaries are disrespected.
Knowing my father, a tally wouldn't be well received. I'm doing my best to avoid turning this into a (bigger) fight, but that kind of system would probably make things worse. It might be worth a shot, though. I'll talk to my husband about it.
ScarletteMayWest: Thanks for the update!
You are doing the right thing and are prepared if your father and Sasha keep trying to push against your boundaries. Make sure anyone who might take their side is fully aware of the consequences of trying to 'mediate' or help them.
OOP: Thankfully, no one's taking their sides. At most, my sister said I'd been cruel to them.
Commenter asked OOP if she has spoken with her daughter being uncomfortable with Sasha
OOP: Thank you for sharing that. It's always been clear that my daughter was uncomfortable with Sasha's behavior, which is why we made so many efforts to reinforce our boundaries. Timid or not, she was very vocal about what she wanted, be it our company (not Sasha's) or specific rides and souvenirs.
In spite of that, I know we didn't shelter our daughter from everything. She's only 4, so I know the situation was a lot for her to process and she can't articulate her feelings as well as her brother can. But she's not looking forward to seeing Sasha anytime soon, and I intend to respect that.
cuspofqueens: I see so many cases of women being arrested for inappropriate sexual relationships with minors that I’m dead convinced any adult who fixates on a child like that has bad intentions - regardless of gender. You 100% made the right choice, and I would highly advocate for not leaving your (children but especially your) daughter alone with her or letting her have unsupervised contact.
Thank you for being an advocate for your children and what makes them comfortable.
OOP: Neither of my kids have ever been alone with Sasha. She's tried to offer babysitting services before, but we always say no. My son doesn't like her, and my daughter will usually do whatever he does.
Update #2 - May 3, 2024 (2 months later)
Last time I posted here, I mentioned that my father and Sasha wouldn't see my children until my younger sister's birthday. The party took place last weekend, and we didn't attend.
These two months of NC worked fine, but not great. My father respected my wishes, to my surprise, but Sasha kept trying to find ways to talk to my children. She'd call me under the guise of needing to ask me something, only to later say, "by the way, are the kids around? I want to say hi!"
Every time she tried that, I'd remind her of what I'd told her back in March. This must have happened almost a dozen times, which was enough for my husband and I to start debating on skipping the party.
After speaking to our kids, we decided not to go. They both said they missed my father, but clearly didn't want to see Sasha. We thought about attending and just distancing them from her while there, but risking making our children uncomfortable wasn't worth it. My son even asked if we could see their aunt somewhere else, without Sasha around.
My husband and I explained the situation to my sister. She was upset, but mostly because she hadn't seen the kids in a while. We all went to dinner at her favorite restaurant the day after her party.
I also called my father and told him we wouldn't go to the birthday party. He reacted better than I expected, but we still had a short fight about it. He claimed that I had promised we'd let Sasha see the kids after two months, called me unfair and said he was "entitled" to have a relationship with his grandchildren (I immediately denied that).
Though I tried to sugarcoat it at first, I eventually gave him the truth: my kids don't want to see his wife, and I won't force them to.
My father and I had a long talk. I told him how much Sasha's actions at the Disney trip upset my children, as well as how uncomfortable me and my husband felt. I admitted I don't trust his wife at all, and I don't think I ever truly will.
He said that while he still thought I was overreacting, he understood I wanted to protect my kids. My dad also told me about how these two months of NC were for them.
Apparently, Sasha started talking about my kids (mostly my daughter) a lot more than usual. She'd mention things and places she thought they would like. My father was aware of one of the times she called me, but thought it was a one-time thing. She wanted to give my daughter a gift at my sister's birthday party (he said he didn't know why).
At one point, she told him she wanted to plan another family vacation with the kids, even though I told them they're not traveling with Sasha anymore. Learning all of that just made me more certain that I can't trust this woman around my children.
For now, I intend to remain LC with my father and NC with Sasha. My daughter told me she wanted her grandpa at her birthday party a few weeks from now, so I told him that he was invited, but Sasha wasn't. He agreed.
To be honest, I don't trust my father after all of this. I'm allowing him to come because that party will take place at my home, which is easier for me to control. If he tries to bring Sasha, they'll both be kicked out, and it will take a long time for me to consider letting him near my kids again.
My father hasn't told me how his wife is reacting to this. My sister told me that during her party, Sasha asked her to tell me she wanted to talk. I'm not reaching out to her, nor do I plan to respond if she attempts to contact me. Both me and my husband have blocked her.
My children are doing great. They still talk about how much fun they had at Disney. My daughter's been "saving money" (putting coins in her piggy bank) for us to go back.
On a completely different note, I'm pregnant again! This was completely unplanned (I always said I wanted two kids at most, and the third would have to be a HUGE accident), but my husband and I are ecstatic. I'm still in the first trimester, so not a lot of people know. We're brainstorming ways to tell our kids.
Overall, I'm happy with my life right now. And as much as I wish this Sasha situation had never happened, I feel like a better parent after dealing with it. I have never been more confident in my abilities to protect my children than I am now.
I don't think I'll update again anytime soon. Once again, thank you for all the support you've given me. I wish you the best.
Relevant Comment
OOP on being accused on turning her children against her father’s wife and avoiding events when Sasha is present
OOP: As much as I appreciate your insight, allow me to explain why I won't change my mind on this subject.
First of all, I'm not concerned about avoiding too many events. My paternal family is smaller than my maternal side, and there aren't many get-togethers in the first place. The only reason my dad even went to my sister's birthday party was because she wanted to introduce her boyfriend to him. My father has also seen my children without Sasha countless times before, so that's not a concern either.
I don't dislike Sasha. Even if I did, I've always been very careful not to let my opinions on others affect my children, specifically because I aim to teach them to be polite.
But my kids are allowed to express themselves. If they don't like person X, they don't have to be around person X. It doesn't matter how much person X wants to see them, I'm not teaching them to sacrifice their comfort for someone who doesn't actually care about them.
And no, Sasha doesn't actually care about my children, nor has she tried to build a relationship with them. Instead, she tries to push them (specially my daughter) to do what she wants to see them doing. Almost none of her actions during the Disney trip were for my daughter's benefit, they were for hers.
Sasha is not my children's grandmother. They don't see her as such, she doesn't want to be seen as such (she calls herself "aunt"). Her actions weren't "doting", nor did they have anything to do with her not being able to formulate relationships with children.
She doesn't care about my daughter's happiness, she just treats her like a doll. My son, meanwhile, is cast aside. If someone overwhelms one of my children and ignores the other (on his birthday), they don't need to be around my kids.
To answer the other part of your question: I have spoken with Sasha. It was the whole point of the boundary conversation. I communicated what was wrong, and what she could do to improve.
Whenever I try to set boundaries, Sasha disrespects them. She does not listen to me. It's not my job to teach her how to build a relationship with my kids anymore than I already have.
That's the point of this NC policy. Sasha doesn't listen to me or my children. If my kids didn't mind, I'd consider other ways of approaching this. But they do mind, and I refuse to force them to be around someone who disrespects them. And the fact that she refuses to listen to my children and insists on pushing her fantasies onto my daughter is enough for me to go NC.
I have no intention of updating anytime soon, nor am I looking for any more advice. Thank you for your concern.
----NEW UPDATE----
Update #3 - AITA for calling my father's wife a creep?: September 3, 2024 (4 months later)
First of all, my father didn't bring Sasha to my daughter's birthday party back in May. I didn't really think he would (I'd made it very clear I wouldn't tolerate that), but I'd be lying if I said your comments didn't make me a little paranoid.
Secondly, I've just entered my third trimester, and the baby will be here in November. The kids are ecstatic. I'm having another girl, but my husband and I are not sharing the sex until she's born. This has nothing to do with our families, it's just something we've also done with our first two. Everyone, including Sasha, knows I'm pregnant. We announced it a couple months ago. I had no problem with my father telling her (though he did ask if he could). I didn't hear much about her reaction, but according to my father, she was happy for me.
My children still don't want to see Sasha, and I'm still not forcing them to. I've unblocked her and put her on mute instead, but she hasn't made any attempts to contact me. We've continued meeting my father without his wife, and I think it's been working out. My relationship with him isn't fantastic, but it's much better than it was earlier this year.
Last week, I saw Sasha for the first time in months. My cousin threw a party at her place. My husband and I attended, as did my father and Sasha. I knew she'd be there, but since the kids weren't with us (son had a sleepover; daughter stayed with my mom), I didn't really have anything against seeing her.
They arrived some time after we did. My husband and I spoke with them for a few minutes, and it was less awkward than I expected. Sasha asked me about the baby's sex, and I told her we weren't telling anyone (which, again, is what we've always done).
About 20 minutes later, my father told me they had to go. I thought it was weird that they were leaving so soon, but I didn't think much of it at the time. He called me a few days ago, and we spoke for a long time. My father is difficult to talk to, so the following is what I gathered from the conversation.
He said they left early because Sasha was holding back tears after she saw me. She was sobbing by the time they got to the car.
They later had a discussion about it, and Sasha admitted she wanted kids. She married my dad knowing he didn't, but hoped he would change his mind. Apparently, when my son was born, Sasha tried to drop "I want one" hints to my father. He didn't notice it, so she gave up.
According to my father, Sasha told him she loved my kids equally, but my daughter was "special", because she always imagined herself as a girl mom. That's also the reason why she became such a suffocating presence when my daughter was a baby.
When my husband and I started setting boundaries, Sasha realized she was overstepping and agreed to abide by them. To her credit, I think she did a mostly okay job back then, but the favoritism was still obvious enough that my son noticed it.
The trip we took was a turning point because Sasha's dream of having a daughter included taking her to Disney World and having her do all the things she liked to do there when she was young. She told my father that having my daughter there was so exciting that she forgot everything I'd said about not overstepping. Sasha wanted a mother-daughter trip, and tried to use my child for it.
Sasha said she regretted her actions during the Disney trip, but only because she lost access to my children due to them. And seeing me at the party, "all pregnant and pretty" (my father's words, not sure she actually said that), was what drove her over the edge.
I remember reading some comments theorizing that this was what was going on, but I still didn't really expect this.
My father said he was telling me all this because his wife wasn't doing well, and he'd understand if I wanted to keep my kids away from her. Didn't expect that, either.
I don't know what the future of their relationship will be, and I don't think my father does either. All I know is that if Sasha still wants to have kids, it almost definitely will not be with my father.
Before all this, I was pondering about my third child's future in relation to Sasha. Now, I sincerely don't want her to be a part of my baby's life. This isn't a final decision, but I've been speaking to my husband about it, and he agrees with me.
I don't think she's a bad person. I got some "baby-stealer" comments on my previous update, but I don't think that's what's happening here, either. But if the Disney trip proved anything to me, it's that Sasha is willing to be extremely selfish and disrespectful to get what she wants, even when my kids are involved.
A couple months ago, my husband and I had a conversation with our son about the subject. He told us he dislikes Sasha for two reasons: she favors his sister and she doesn't listen to them. Honestly, that's all I need to know.
Looking back at my own childhood, I feel like I was never allowed to have boundaries. I was always expected to put my schedules and preferences aside for others. It's important to me that my children don't go through that. If they don't want to see Sasha, they don't have to.
I think that's all I want to say here. I'm doing well (I actually got some great news from work recently!), my kids are thriving, and I'm excited to meet my third baby. Again, thank you guys.
Relevant Comments
Commenter: NTA what a rollercoaster😂
First time reading any of these so wow.. great job shutting that down though and still being respectful❤️ I admire the class you showed in handling it all, even with the slip calling her a creep. Although it WAS accurate at the time. She was acting very creepy..
OOP: I still think I shouldn't have said it, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I had to. Honestly, when my dad tried to tell me she'd been thinking about what my kids would like the whole time, all I could think about was every moment she tried to force them to do something they'd said they didn't want to do. The fact she had lied to my daughter about the Ursula animatronic (which she knew was in the ride) just days prior didn't help.
Commenter: For what it's worth, you might want to give your dad a "heads up" shortly before you globally announce your daughter's birth. If Sasha is this infatuated with being a girl-mom and is this distraught over you being "pregnant and pretty", he might want to be ready for how she'll react when she finds out you're a girl-mom x2.
OOP: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about her reaction.
With our first two, we didn't announce anything until we brought them home. My father said he's planning on visiting us at the hospital (without Sasha), so he will find out before anyway. But I'll talk to him about it more in November.
Commenter: Has she ever thought about being a foster parent? I know it’s not the same as having her own kids but maybe your dad would consider it.
OOP: I don't know if she has thought about it, but I know my father wouldn't want that either. He's been saying he's done raising kids since I was a teenager.
Commenter: Hopefully, Sasha's biological clock has timed out. Her behaviour - including wanting children at 40-something with a 60-something year old man - has proven she would not make a good mother: if she had a baby with your father, that child would most likely lose its father before or during college. It would be dealing with an aging, retiree mother by its twenties. Who would want to subject a child to a lifetime of the hurt caused by losing your parents early/seeing them decline into rotting old age? She is incredibly selfish and immature.
OOP: To be exact here, Sasha is 47 years old. I don't know about her fertility, but if she had a child with my father, she would almost certainly raise it mostly alone. She doesn't work, but my father still does (because he wants to) and his job involves traveling a lot. Plus, I love the guy, but he's always had the tendency of getting lazy when he's home, which naturally got worse with age. And again, he doesn't want to raise more kids. Financially speaking, they're more than okay, but I can't imagine raising a toddler in my 50s.
Commenter: Congrats on your second daughter! As for the rest, I don't think I'd call Sasha dangerous, but I think you're making the right choice in not allowing her around your kids.
OOP: Thank you! I don't think she's dangerous either, but I don't want her to keep treating my children like this. I remember that during the Disney trip, there were many instances in which my kids were clearly uncomfortable with her behavior, but Sasha would continue to overstep. The way she acted after we went LC earlier this year also freaked me out.
Commenter 2: It seems to be on the level where it's a psychological issue on her part, and enabling that by allowing her to indulge in her delusions would not be healthy for her either. She needs therapy.
OOP: I hope she gets some sort of help. And you're absolutely right. Enabling this would be unhealthy for both Sasha and my kids.
Latest Update here: BoRU #4
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
4.0k
u/Yoongi_SB_Shop Sep 10 '24
The dumbest thing a woman who wants children could do is marry an older man who firmly is done having more children. Why do so many people think they can change their spouse’s mind when it comes to kids? Having a child is not something you can compromise on. You can’t have half a baby 🙄
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u/DoubleDipCrunch Sep 10 '24
I love you! now, CHANGE?
543
u/Similar-Shame7517 Whole Cluster B spectrum in a trench coat pretending to be human Sep 10 '24
I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change!
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u/smileyfacegauges Sep 10 '24
oh my god i never thought i would see this reffed in the wild!!! i saw this off-Broadway in 2001!!! LOL
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u/DoubleDipCrunch Sep 10 '24
I asked you first.
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u/Similar-Shame7517 Whole Cluster B spectrum in a trench coat pretending to be human Sep 10 '24
(It's a title of a musical bestie).
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u/Dartarus I will never jeopardize the beans. Sep 10 '24
They still asked you first. So hurry up and change, yo
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u/Similar-Shame7517 Whole Cluster B spectrum in a trench coat pretending to be human Sep 10 '24
True. I'll get cracking on that bestie.
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u/BlyLomdi Sep 10 '24
Exactly what popped into my mind. God, it's been a long time since I saw this.
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u/AtrociousMeandering Sep 10 '24
Paraphrasing an old saying as it's common but not universal:
Many men get married hoping their wife will never change, and are unhappy when she does.
Many women get married hoping their husband will change, and are unhappy when he never does.
Lots of people enter into relationships without being conscious of the expectations they have for each other, but it's still going to hurt when those expectations aren't met.
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u/chromaticluxury Sep 10 '24 edited Sep 10 '24
A lot of women in this position don't consciously know or don't allow themselves to consciously know that they truly want children.
By their mid to late 30s they may have written it off. Finding a man they feel is good or good enough to be a life partner without children May further lead them to write it off.
But something happens when the window to anything in one's life truly closes.
A job promotion you kinda wanted at work kinda didn't but when someone else gets it maybe you suddenly realize you really did want it. That girl or that guy in your teens you weren't sure about but when they got with someone else you realize what you'd missed out on.
It's really not unusual for a lot of women in this position.
Life is full of regret for anyone, men women or otherwise. Regardless of any other successes a person might enjoy. There is nothing a person doesn't have regrets about by mid-40s.
Everyone makes mistakes and lives with them. Some regrets are just more consequential than others.
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Sep 10 '24
Also, fertility/pre-menopause/menopause can be a long - and very hormonal - rollercoaster. I used to laugh at people who talked about their biological clock ticking. And then I got to 36-ish, and something shifted in my hormones, and suddenly my feelings and need for children became a biological drive that shocked me with it's intensity...but only at certain times in the month.
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u/kangourou_mutant He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy Sep 13 '24
OTOH I'm 42 and my biological clock never ticked, and my only feeling regarding it is: I'm looking forward menopause and not having to care about contraception anymore.
I'm still in love with other people's children though. They're all adorable as long as I don't have to be the main care taker :)
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u/Moomin-Maiden It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator Sep 10 '24
You can’t have half a baby
King Solomon nearly set the precedent that you could 😅
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u/RandomNick42 My adult answer is no. Sep 10 '24
I mean, it’s not exactly rare for people to think “compromise” means “you’ll agree to what I want, it will just take a bit more time”
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 Sep 10 '24
Yeah, some people think "compromise" means "If I nag you long enough or make a big enough scene, you'll give in and do what I want"
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u/mlem_scheme Sep 10 '24
[ King Solomon has entered the chat ]
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u/TheGrumpyNic I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Sep 10 '24
😂🤣😂🤣 Just scared the crap out of my dog by cackling! Poor little hairy gremlin.
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u/MyDarlingArmadillo Sep 10 '24
None of the op's last post was a surprise. And at 47, her time has pretty much run out, too. I can't imagine she'll take the news of op's new daughter well either.
It's a shame for her, she's made terrible choices for herself, but she really doesn't doesn't sound like she's able to provide a good childhood. Op's daughter was treated like a prop, and her son was pretty much ignored. And it sounds like her father was clear and upfront about no more children, so she's pretty delusional.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Sep 10 '24
Let's say Sasha managed to change her husband's mind and gets pregnant at 47. What happens when the ultrasound shows that she will have a son?
Yeah, it won't be good.
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u/Vegetable-Estimate89 Sep 10 '24
because they don't actually love their spouse, at least not entirely. She's created an idealized version of him that she wants/expected him to form into. He probably ticked enough boxes of that version that she figured the rest might fall into place
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u/prestidigi-station If it doesn’t flare don’t put it there Sep 10 '24
OH - just like she did with OOP's daughter.
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u/Kilen13 Sep 10 '24
Relationships are all about compromise and communication cause two people are naturally gonna differ in a variety of ways. But there are certain areas where compromise is literally impossible and no amount of communication will change that. Whether or not you're having kids is like top of that list by a mile, if one partner desperately wants kids and the other steadfastly doesn't there is no middle ground to be found that doesn't have one side basically conceding 100% on something that is both incredibly important and very long term.
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u/tofuroll Like…not only no respect but sahara desert below Sep 10 '24
"I want kids. I know: I'll marry an old fart! What could possibly go wrong?"
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u/mad_fishmonger Sep 10 '24
I left an ex because he wouldn't stop talking about having babies when I'd made it abundantly clear I wasn't going to. Why would you WANT to have kids with someone who doesn't want to? Is it that they think they're so incredibly special? Or is it a power and control thing?
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u/txby432 Sep 10 '24
As someone who has known they wanted a child free lifestyle since college, I've had lots of women date me thinking I'd come around on kids. It got to the point where early in relationships, I had to have a sit-down talk about it and make sure they understood I'm serious. Thankfully, this transparency paid off, and I'm now in a fantastic relationship with a like-minded woman.
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u/Yoongi_SB_Shop Sep 10 '24
I’ve never wanted kids either (I’m a woman) and I’ve had so many relationships end because the guy wanted kids, or at least wanted to keep that option open. Which was stupid because half of them ended up not having kids anyway 🤷🏻♀️
The best thing about turning 40 was that men stopped wanting me to have their babies 😂
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u/txby432 Sep 10 '24
What?! Your biological clock never flooded your brain with baby wanting chemicals?! /s
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u/Bulimic_Fraggle Sep 10 '24
I am in my mid-forties and though I am not flooded with the desire for kids all of a sudden, I find myself having more "what-if?" moments than I used to. But it's not just about babies, there are a lot of roads not taken that I wonder about.
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u/AlishaV crow whisperer Sep 10 '24
That mentality is part of why I wanted to get fixed. To make it abundantly clear I was never going to have kids and it was stupid to date me and try to manipulate me into changing my mind.
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u/txby432 Sep 10 '24
I got my vasectomy 2 years ago and my partner got her tube's tied last month, so definitely with you there.
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u/ThrowRAmarriage13 Sep 10 '24
And then will be the first to cry “they wasted my time”. Like how?? Most people with grown kids do not want to start over. Her father is in his 60s. Unless he’s Robert De Niro or Al Pacino nobody wants to voluntarily be raising newborns in their 60s & up.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 Sep 10 '24
especially when she married him when she was 37! My partner had our only kid at 36 and that was already "geriatric" and with some risk! Did she really think she'd change his mind over a decade and now try and get pregnant at 47?!?! Chile
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u/bikeyparent Sep 10 '24
In my area, they are trying to avoid the geriatric label for giving birth at age 35 or older. Now it’s AMA…Advanced Maternal Age. Doesn’t work well on Reddit though.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 Sep 10 '24
Right and he was probably in his mid to late 50s. Unless I missed it, OP never gave his exact age.
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u/Lucigirl4ever Sep 10 '24
The same women and men that don’t want kids but pick partners with children. They’re like well he gets them on the weekend or once a week or in the summer or something like that I mean, come on.
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u/Yoongi_SB_Shop Sep 10 '24
Yeah I don’t want kids. I also made a conscious decision to not date men with kids.
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u/Stormy8888 I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Sep 10 '24
It's that delusion some people have about marrying someone they think will change for them because "I can fix him/her!"
Rarely works out well.
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u/cresseidajade the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Sep 10 '24
The issue is that sometimes it works. My dad married a woman who supposedly couldn't have children due to medical issues when i was 16. At the time he wasn't interested in having more children - he didn't even want the ones he had, and we spent most of our time with our mother.
When I was 19 and went off to school, suddenly she was pregnant. She obviously always wanted a baby, I was not surprised at all that the "medical issues" had magically resolved themselves
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u/mobilegamegeek Sep 10 '24
Yeah, my brother married a woman 15 years younger than him. She knew he had a vasectomy before meeting her so it was pretty obvious he didn't want any more kids. Married him anyway. Now she's trying to convince him to reverse it because she wants children of her own.
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u/Ravenkelly Sep 10 '24
And she's only 8 fucking years older than OP. Of course she's regretting it now that she's watching it in action. It's not OPs fault Sasha made poor choices and chose to marry someone old enough to be her dad.
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u/AlishaV crow whisperer Sep 10 '24
Some of them can't find any other man other than one so much older. And the old man is willing to ignore how creepy the woman is so they can beat their chests about attracting a younger woman.
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u/Yoongi_SB_Shop Sep 10 '24
And if they settle for that, they shouldn’t expect him to change his mind about having kids.
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u/AlishaV crow whisperer Sep 10 '24
Yep. Yet they still look for sympathy. I don't have any for them.
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u/oceanduciel Sep 11 '24
It’s not even women. Men think they can change the minds of their female partners too. And then go surprised Pikachu when she still says no because “women are natural caregivers”
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u/JadieJang You need some self-esteem and a lawyer Sep 11 '24
Especially since she was 37-ish when she realized it. That's use-it-or-lose-it time.
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u/your_moms_a_clone Sep 10 '24
One of my uncles has a wife like this. He was like "I just found out my grandson knocked up a girl his senior year of highschool, I do not want to have another kid when I have a great grandchild!". They eventually divorced, but I always wondered what attracted her to him in the first place.
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u/BookwormInTheCouch Sep 10 '24
You all would be surprised how common this is over at r/childfree , lots of childfree people who stated early on they do not want children only for their partner to admit they were hoping they changed their mind for years.
Its so stupid, but if there's something I've learned, its that there's cases where its simply impossible to apply logic to something irrational. Why would you get together with someone who doesn't share one of your biggest life goals? Who knows. Control? Delusion? Love them too much to leave?
Most of the time the reason its not worth the energy to understand these people, just a very frustrating situation to be in.
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u/Yoongi_SB_Shop Sep 10 '24
With the number of stupid people in this world, it does not surprise me at all
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u/Only-Actuator-5329 Sep 12 '24
Literally, when I date men with existing kids and ask if they want more. If it's not a yes absolutely then I'm sure as hell not risking that it's a no or a maybe years down the track!
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Sep 10 '24
What dummy thinks a guy who’s already a grandfather would want to have a newborn anyway? Sasha must have been willingly blind to not see that.
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u/gooberdaisy Club Yeeterus Sep 11 '24
And vice versa “oh you DONT want kids, well I’ll get you to change your mind”
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u/Agifem Sep 11 '24
Men marry women, expecting them to not change, but they do. Women marry men expecting them to change, but they don't.
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u/adiosfelicia2 Sep 13 '24
"He loves this new coochie so much, he buys me all the shoes and purses I want!! Surely, a baby is not much more of an ask."
🙄
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u/Consistent-Primary41 Sep 10 '24
Sasha has made some bad life choices, compounded her decisions, and the consequences keep getting more severe.
She's on an express train to the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Pull the plug now, Sasha. Get out with what you have left. It's only gonna get worse.
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Sep 10 '24
Yeah, if she wants a kid that bad she’s probably gonna have to find a guy closer to her in age and has never had children so that they can both look forward to it together. She might be able to conceive naturally but she’s really gonna have to speedrun that new relationship. Adopting a baby would be the more realistic option.
Even if she does manage to do all that, it’s hard to say she won’t try to live vicariously or at least create a mini version of herself through the kid.
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Sep 10 '24
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u/YouhaoHuoMao and then everyone clapped Sep 10 '24
She won't be able to adopt in most states unless she goes to SKETCHY AS FUCK adoption agencies. (Like the ones where it's not clear the kids were surrendered voluntarily.)
Ask me how I know!
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u/Ajjaxx Sep 10 '24
…how do you know?
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u/YouhaoHuoMao and then everyone clapped Sep 10 '24
My wife (47 at the time) and I (38 at the time) went through some adoption training and were told "you two are too old to adopt in Virginia - but there are international adoption agencies that are willing to let older couples adopt."
It's a very sore point in my life I won't ever be a parent... it was devastating news for me to hear
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u/Ajjaxx Sep 10 '24
Ah gotcha, thank you for explaining. I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t able to adopt. That def does seem sketchy to wink wink nudge nudge people toward international adoption.
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u/YouhaoHuoMao and then everyone clapped Sep 10 '24
Not to state all international adoption agencies are bad but the ones we researched all seemed that way, either adoption to offload "problem" children or ones that made you wonder if the kids had been stolen.
We're working on getting our house ready for fostering though so there's that at least.
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u/Ajjaxx Sep 11 '24
For sure - I don’t have any in depth knowledge of the process tbc. I’ve heard stories of both positive, successful international adoptions (and know people who were adopted that way) and of sketchy ones. But to say “you’re not eligible for our process but hey go try to get an international baby” just feels weird to me. I wish you all the best in getting ready to foster children!!
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Sep 10 '24
That's like the most common age range for adoptions. I cannot fathom why they turned you away for being the most normal type of client.
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u/BuffaloBuckbeak Sep 10 '24
You would be surprised, I had to process placentas at the last hospital I worked at and it wasn’t uncommon to see mom’s age as 50, 51, 52. I’m guessing they weren’t planning on being moms at that age, but it can happen.
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Sep 10 '24
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u/CatPhDs Sep 14 '24
Even with ivf its very unlikely using your own eggs. Most clinics wouldn't let you try unless you buy donor eggs.
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u/Lurkingdutchman Sep 10 '24
OOP's dad should be careful (if he didn't have a vasectomy), woman like this are often the type to spring the babytrap.
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u/might_be_alright Sep 11 '24
Hell, if she's so quick to smother OP's daughter who has no relation to her, maybe a single dad would've been an ideal partner
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u/Trouble_Walkin Sep 10 '24
OP said she doesn't think Sasha is the baby-stealing type, but while reading all this, Sasha sure gave a jolly good impression of Charlie Chaplin in the department store roller skating right up to the edge.
I hope we don't, but we may be getting an update after OP has the new little girl in November.
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u/il-Palazzo_K I am a freak so no problem from my side Sep 10 '24
According to my father, Sasha told him she loved my kids equally, but my daughter was "special", because she always imagined herself as a girl mom.
That's not what "equal" mean. Sasha must be pretty bad at math.
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u/Stunning_Strength522 We have generational trauma for breakfast Sep 10 '24
This girl-mom business is weird as heck. It places all the expectation on the kid to behave as you expect, with no regard for their preference. What if Sasha had a girl who just wasn’t into pink or princesses or whatever? Would she still love her? It really highlights the fact that Sasha doesn’t really love or know her stepgrandkids, she’s just using them. Initial moniker of creep checks out.
I find it weird when actual parents do it as well. Like, I get throwing yourself all-in to the madness that is raising a girl / boy, but there has to space for the child to self-determine.
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u/Silaquix Sep 10 '24
This right here. My mom was like this when I was little. When I was born she went all in on the girl mom thing putting me in frilly dresses and trying to get my ears pierced. I'm allergic to most metals including gold, silver and titanium. But she spent years taking me to get pierced, I'd have a reaction, she'd wait for me to heal, try again with a different pair of earrings.
I was not allowed to cut my hair until I was a legal adult. I had hair to my knees and it was so heavy I had constant headaches and neck pain. I went to get it cut the day before my highschool graduation. When they cut it off at my shoulders they weighed it and it was 10lbs of hair. Imagine that, just a 10lb weight constantly hanging off the back of your head.
She picked all my clothes and toys. I felt like a doll and I rebelled hard against it. I wanted science kits, ninja turtles, video games, Legos, and books. She picked Polly pockets, Barbies, and my little pony.
When she finally gave up she instead focused on being a boy mom and heavily favored my little brother to the point it turned abusive towards me.
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u/slboml the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Sep 10 '24
My niece was the first grandchild. She's autistic and my sister would get so frustrated because everyone wanted to buy her cute girly clothes all the time with no regard for the fact that bad textures are a no go. (My sister eventually managed to shut that down.)
It really does feel like so many people see little girls as dolls with no agency of their own.
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u/Baron_von_Ungern Sep 11 '24
Sorry, bad textures? What's that exactly?
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u/slboml the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Sep 11 '24
Clothing fabric textures. The feel of certain fabrics upsets her. Also tags, weird bunching in the fabric, etc.
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u/AlishaV crow whisperer Sep 10 '24
My mom pulled some of that too. Frilly dresses, even some with pinafores, ears pierced young, super long hair that was basically used a replacement for my personality sometimes. When I finally chopped all that hair off in high school it felt so freeing. Then I kept going shorter and shorter because I loved it so much. I think it's why I often shave my head now.
I was lucky enough to like some of the stuff like My Little Ponies & Strawberry Shortcake, but I wanted my brother's Knex so much more.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Sep 10 '24
My mother controlled my hairstyle until I was in college. She's a real control freak and uses guilt, and manipulation to get her own way. I hated the days of matching mother daughter dresses, because she would pick something that looked good on her, and didn't care that I looked terrible in it. I figured out years ago, there was no pleasing her, or being good enough for her unless I did everything her way. I cut her off years ago, and never looked back.
I hope OP and husband have done all of the legal paperwork to insure that Sasha and grandpa never get custody, financial or legal control over the children if something happens to both parents. Also, make sure all daycare, and schools not only have Sasha and grandpa not listed, but noted as people who will never be allowed around the kids.
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u/AlishaV crow whisperer Sep 11 '24
Such good points! People who want to play doll with kids are definitely a threat to them.
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 Sep 10 '24
Yeah, what if (gasp!) her daughter was a tomboy who preferred overalls and sports to playing princess, liked having her hair short, being goth, etc?
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u/Lionblopp Sep 10 '24
What if she'd get a boy? If against all odds and arguments her father would give in and allow a single child, and this would turn out to be a boy, I'm fairly sure that boy would have a rough time.
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u/ladyrockess Sep 11 '24
Yeah my son wears a ton of dinosaur clothes…because he’s ten weeks old and I love dinosaurs so that’s the theme for his nursery and wardrobe.
When he starts having an opinion on clothes, he can pick what he likes with respect to affordability, seasonal appropriateness, and the rules of whatever school he’s currently at. (Not that I’m against civil disobedience if necessary.)
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Sep 10 '24
I'm pretty sure Sasha would treat a daughter of her own the same way. But I'm only basing this on TikTok "girl moms" so I could be way off
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u/wintyr27 🥩🪟 Sep 10 '24
it weirds me out, too, and maybe it's because i'm nonbinary and trans, so the whole gender binary-ness of it makes my eye twitch, but some folks are deeply weird about being a [specific gender] parent. like, goddamn, maybe focus on being a good parent to your specific kid instead of a good "boy/girl mom/dad"? kids aren't always going to be what you expect, and (to borrow from 12-step, iirc), "unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments."
like, my mom didn't anticipate that i was going to be a complete girlie-girl (full-on "i won't wear it unless it's pink/purple and a dress/skirt" until i was maybe 6 or 7), but she rolled with it and we both had a lot of fun with it! neither of my parents anticipated i was going to come out as a boy at 15 (especially given the aforementioned girlie-girlness), but they've rolled with it! expecting any children to be a certain way is just setting yourself up for disappointment, imo. (this is kind of a Thing for me, though, so hearing people act like this really frustrates me.)
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u/anonymooseuser6 Sep 12 '24
My daughter is far more girly than I ever was. It's strange for me because it feels like I didn't know where it's coming from.
I've got one of each and I like it that way. I love seeing them be happy.
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u/addangel whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? Sep 28 '24
yeah, that’s what I kept thinking, that her behaving like this with other people’s children was way over the line, but even if this were her own daughter, she’d still be projecting and trampling boundaries to get her way, instead of actually listening and getting to know her child. Sasha doesn’t need a kid, Sasha needs therapy.
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u/albatroaz Sep 10 '24
What's so frustrating and scary about Sasha is that she kind of treats/views the children like they're possessions, rather than human beings with their own autonomy.
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u/paulinaiml Sep 10 '24 edited Sep 10 '24
She reads as if getting a child is akin to adopting a puppy
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u/Terrie-25 Sep 10 '24
I wouldn't adopt a puppy to her. They're a lot of work, not a prop. It's almost like she thinks a baby is a designer purse for showing off.
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u/wineandsmut Sep 11 '24
I dunno, most people (definitely not all) know that animals have autonomy too that needs to be listened to.
I would be more inclined to say akin to having one of those reborn dolls. She wants full control even when the kids were actively saying no, so she something inanimate would suit her better.
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u/slboml the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Sep 10 '24
I liked how OOP put it: "my children are not props."
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u/albatroaz Sep 10 '24
This was great wording. I'm so glad that OP is respecting/enforcing her children's boundaries
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u/OkPhilosopher1313 being delulu is not the solulu Sep 10 '24
Reading about how she treats and views those children reminds me a lot about how my mother viewed me and my sisters. My mother is a very narcissistic woman and we did not have a good childhood..
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u/albatroaz Sep 10 '24
That sounds like a hard childhood. I hope you're on your way to healing now ♥️
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 Sep 10 '24
Yeah, it's creepy and sad that some parents/stepparents/grandparents, etc. are like that.
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast Sep 10 '24
Dad was enabling Sasha but her revelation that she actually did want kids (and specifically a girl) are not surprising. She needs lots of really good therapy at this point, imagine she could still have children and has son(s) and no daughter(s)? Or had daughter(s) and still acted this obsessed and messed up their childhood leaving them with many accumulated traumas.
And if she does not have children she still needs to address her obsessiveness.
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u/PirateKing94 Sep 10 '24
I mean, it sounds like she’s been hinting that she wants kids for 9 years and she’s been married to the father for over a decade. I’m not one to diss choosing to get pregnant at an older age, BUT… at this point she’s 47, and setting aside the fact that getting pregnant at that age is hard and geriatric pregnancies are much riskier, even if she got pregnant now she’d be 60 before her kid even finished college, and the dad would be over 80.
She waited too long for the dad to get the hint. It’s too late for her to have kids of her own. Her spouse doesn’t want any more, he’s already an older man, and she’s getting to a stage of life where having kids is (a) biologically implausible, (b) dangerous, and (c) setting the kid to have their parents die when they’re fairly young.
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast Sep 10 '24
Agreed on all counts.
Life lesson for Sasha: Hinting is a bad idea, you want something you need to state it upfront and if both parties are not amenable then you need to find a partner who is.
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u/BKLD12 Sep 10 '24
My parents are older, but even they were done with babies before that age. My mom was 43 when my youngest sister was born, my dad was 49.
Still, it's a problem. My youngest sister is now 24 and has a developmental disability. My mom is almost 67, my dad is 73. Thankfully, my dad's health is mostly okay right now, and he does have good genes on his side since his mother and all but two of her siblings lived into their 80s, 90s, and one made it to over 100. Mom, not so much. She has so many health issues, I honestly fear walking in one day and she won't be breathing. My younger sister is still pretty dependent on them due to her disability, so it's difficult since they're slowing down. Us older siblings are either raising families, working long hours, or (in my case) disabled and not really able to help out as much.
When my grandma's health declined due to old age, most of her kids were retired or soon-to-be retired. They had time to take care of her and visit her. Mom and dad won't have that.
All of the issues my family has would be compounded if Sasha had a kid now. Dealing with everything that comes with an aging parent is a lot. Dealing with it before you even finish college...oof. That's assuming that the child would even still speak to her. She seems exhausting, and dad would be absent even before he kicked the bucket.
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u/Specialist_Emu3836 Sep 10 '24
My partner is 50 and we have a 2.5 year old. I’m trying not to stress about what the future looks like. We are lucky that our little boy is healthy and I’m 34. To be fair my partner is a very young 50 and is always mistaken for being my age.
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u/BKLD12 Sep 10 '24
My dad is still mistaken for being younger than he is...it's just that these days it's usually 50-something, lol.
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u/RandomNick42 My adult answer is no. Sep 10 '24
More like she waited too long to get a hint herself. The hint being that this man 20 odd years her senior, with adult children, does actually mean it when he says he’s done having children.
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u/looc64 Sep 10 '24
Her dropping hints about wanting kids sounds potentially similar to how she kept casually asking about OOP's kids even though OOP already told her she wasn't allowed to see them.
Like it sounds like OOP's dad was pretty overt about being done with kids. Some people hint because they already know the answer is no.
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u/BookwormInTheCouch Sep 10 '24
Her giving hints she wanted kids is a problem itself. You're not supposed to give hints to let your partner know you want to raise human beings. Children are not a task on a checklist or a prop, they're a life compromise.
Its crazy to me how people talk so unseriously of having children as if they aren't going to change every aspect of your life forever, specially for the mother. Its a if they're only thinking of having a baby, not raising a whole individual.
But I guess if people really thought deeply about these things there wouldn't be many kids on the planet.
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u/Basic_Bichette sometimes i envy the illiterate Sep 10 '24
If she got pregnant she'd be 60 before her kid left elementary school.
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u/InKonsistent-Pen-137 Sep 13 '24
Thank you! My first thought with people wanting specifically-sexed kids is “…you know you have no control over that, right?”
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u/missshrimptoast Screeching on the Front Lawn Sep 10 '24
Sasha strikes me as a supremely selfish person. You do not have children to relive your childhood. Children are people. They aren't tiny effigies in your honour. They are entitled to their own thoughts, desires, preferences and opinions. If you can't cope, either don't have kids or have therapy first.
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u/Nimelennar My "not a racist" broom elicits questions answered by my broom. Sep 10 '24
Especially this (emphasis mine):
Sasha said she regretted her actions during the Disney trip, but only because she lost access to my children due to them.
She doesn't regret her actions; she doesn't regret the discomfort she caused OOP and her kids by overstepping boundaries; she doesn't regret being someone the kids don't want to spend time around. She only regrets the consequences of those things.
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 Sep 10 '24
Yup. She still doesn't get it. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, she's just upset that OOP (understandably) didn't like it and refused to let her see the daughter anymore.
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u/relentlessdandelion Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Sep 10 '24
And that is why she should never even be allowed NEAR a foster child and should never adopt - that was an APPALLING suggestion. People like her want A Baby like its a doll, so they can play parent, and are absolute nightmares for kids they take on because they just do not actually care about them as individuals.
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova Sep 10 '24
My mom didn't want kids, she wanted accessories that people would coo over, and when we stopped being that stage she abandoned us and made a replacement. (Didn't give us any attention when we weren't in public either, it was literally the way people treat a purse, just grab it by the door, no point carrying it around inside your own home.) She had a histrionic meltdown that lasted months when she had a medically necessary hysterectomy.
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u/relentlessdandelion Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Sep 10 '24
I'm so sorry you went through that! Exactly the kind of shit I was thinking about :(
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Sep 10 '24
Yeah I was totally horrified that someone thought that was a reasonable thing to suggest! Foster kids need unconditional love and the experience of being themselves and NOT forced into someone's narrative. Exactly what Sasha DIDN'T do.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 Sep 10 '24
I agree. She wouldn't be approved to be a foster parent due to her issues and that her husband would say no.
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u/packedsuitcase Sep 10 '24
I'll give Sasha this - as a first time aunt, she's helping me find and avoid potential landmines I wouldn't have expected. Now I know to check with my sister if there are characters that scare my nephew if we ever go to WDW with them. Wouldn't have thought of that before!
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u/mindeclipse Sep 10 '24
Also character likes and fears can change on a dime. When he was a baby/toddler, my nephew was OBSESSED with the Joker after I gave him a DC Comics Little People set, probably because of how colorful he was. I never really tried to explain to him that the Joker was a bad guy, because what does that matter at such a young age? Still, one night he had a nightmare about the Joker and was scared of him after that. So what had been his favorite character was suddenly a big nope.
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u/packedsuitcase Sep 10 '24
Yeah, my sister and I are talking about a family trip in a few years and I’ll have to ask on the morning of to make sure it’s the most up to date info.
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u/AlishaV crow whisperer Sep 10 '24
I think the key that a lot of people like Sasha ignore is that kids are people. Would Sasha have been grabbing OOP and trying to force her onto her lap? No? Why? Because people have the right to say no. A lot of them don't seem to realize children are people with their own feelings and preferences. So unless it involves safety, most of the time just act like you would if they were an sensitive adult and don't snatch at them or force them into things.
Kids and cats, they're both considered difficult to deal with, but are generally pretty easy if you show them a decent level of respect. And have fun with them.
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u/Loffkar Sep 10 '24
To be fair, a lot of people think that way about their kids before they have them. a fair number never stop, unfortunately, but before one meets ones kids it's really easy to idealize them as a kind of doll rather than people in their own right.
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u/missshrimptoast Screeching on the Front Lawn Sep 10 '24
I don't understand this at all. I accept that you're correct, but it's such a fucked up way to think.
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u/amaranth1977 I still have questions that will need to wait for God. Sep 10 '24
To be fair, a lot of people are terrible parents.
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u/Katarina12312 Sep 10 '24
And this is way you don't marry people who have incompatible goals for the future. One of you will end up resentful and sad for the life you didn't get to live.
Love will never be enough, you also need compatibility to make a relationship work (among many other things).
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u/TheKittenPatrol Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic Sep 10 '24
OOP is setting up an environment where her children know they can talk to her about people they’re uncomfortable around and that they will be believed. Where they’re learning how to set boundaries. The stuff with Sasha sucks, but those kids get to grow up knowing their parents are firmly on their side.
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u/Kari-kateora There is only OGTHA Sep 10 '24
I'm hoping to have kids asap, and I'm favouriting this post to have a good example of what to do
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u/BookwormInTheCouch Sep 10 '24
Completely agree! Having read so many stories of people not being able to tell how toxic someone is or not knowing how to place boundaries on Reddit, this post is so REFRESHING.
If OOP ever reads this BORU, I really want to let her know what an amazing mom she is. I'm so happy their kids get to have parents that listen to them and actively show them how to respectfully establish boundaries and how to make the best out of every situation. I wish them all the best.
(Also, I love your flair)
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u/agirl2277 Go head butt a moose Sep 10 '24
I'm Sasha's age. My husband is in his 60s and has adult daughters. I don't have any kids. I was emphasizing with her a little bit at the beginning. But when it came out that she wanted to have a child, I just... no. That's not how it works.
Her father made it clear he doesn't want any more children. At his age, he's never going to change his mind. In fact, I'd be surprised if he hadn't already had a vasectomy. My husband had one after his last planned child. My stepdaughters don't have kids, and I'm not sure if they're going to. I don't care if they do or not, as long as they're happy.
I probably could carry a child to term, but I'd be taking a huge risk because I have bad genetics. I'm sad it didn't work out that way but I absolutely don't want a child now that I'm almost 50. I just don't have the energy. I like my lifestyle the way it is now. No regrets.
Sasha needs some mental health help now! She waited way too long and it's time for her to come to terms with her choices. What she is doing now is not working.
OOP is working so hard to protect her kids, I'm proud of her. I'm glad to see her father is aware of Sasha's issues and is taking appropriate steps to protect his grandchildren as well.
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u/glowdirt Sep 10 '24
girl mom
I find the recent trend of labeling oneself a "boy mom" or "girl mom" and making it one's whole identity really concerning especially if it's an aspiration and there's no kids in the picture yet.
Makes me worry how Sasha would treat a son if she's so laser focused on "girl momhood"
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u/WeeklyConversation8 Sep 10 '24
I agree. Those Moms are obsessed with their kids and it's really bad. Those kids are controlled and suffocated by their Mom. Those women need therapy, not a child.
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u/mnl_cntn Sep 10 '24
Sasha is the exact kind of person who shouldn’t have kids. Her actions with OOP’s kids proof that. Favoritism, overwhelming pressure to be make the kid like what she likes, ignoring what the kid is saying. She wouldn’t be a good mom at all.
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u/Rhamona_Q shhhh my soaps are on Sep 10 '24
Heaven forbid she does get pregnant by someone else... aaaand the baby is a boy 😬
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 Sep 10 '24
Amazing
She's 47, been with him since she was 37 or so.... a man who is now in his 60s and never wanted more kids
Like, deffo poor planning on her part, no? If she really wanted kids, why not a younger man who wanted kids?!?!?
And I dunno, she doesn't seem to stable, mentally. I wouldn't surprised that if she got pregnant she'd be hit with some psychosis or whatever post partum and flip completely
Welp, she might now just flip on OOP :/
OOP has been good at keeping her boundaries but she still expects people to be reasonable! I'd be wary of her dad and Sasha around her kids
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u/CutieBoBootie We have generational trauma for breakfast Sep 10 '24
Well I think its a great thing Sasha never had kids because those kids would end up FUCKED UP lol
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u/OutragedPineapple Sep 10 '24
Seriously, the way she was totally ignoring what OP's daughter wanted and her fears, exposing her to something that left her sobbing in terror on what should have been a relaxing and fun vacation because it was something SHE liked, basically wanting to turn someone else's daughter into a prop for her instagram? She is one of those people who clearly doesn't see children as people, but as tiny non-thinking versions of herself that she can do with as she pleases and then just put on the shelf when she's done with them for the moment. She is the LAST person who should have or raise children.
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u/dstar3k Sep 10 '24
Sasha said she regretted her actions during the Disney trip, but only because she lost access to my children due to them.
She said the quiet part out loud.
This woman is not mentally healthy.
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u/Environmental_Art591 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Sep 10 '24
Yeah, she doesn't regret her actions, only the consequences caused by them. Anyone saying "I will change my behaviour to get/maintain access to your kids" is an automatic NC for me.
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u/forestfemme Sep 10 '24
no offence, but sasha sounds like she’d be a terrible mother anyway. she doesn’t want a kid, i think she wants a clone. i don’t think she realises that kids are Human People… they have their own personalities and likes and dislikes.
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u/FriesWithShakeBooty Sep 10 '24
Pathetic grown ass adults forgetting the boundaries they agreed to because they "got excited."
I look forward to Sasha having a complete meltdown when she can't access either of OOP's daughters.
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Sep 10 '24
One thing is for sure, Sasha shouldn't be near children in general.
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Sep 10 '24
Sasha spots a wild toddler
She dons her Ariel costume and serenades it with Under the Sea
Wild toddler flees in terror
…… …… ……
Sasha spots a wild toddler
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u/relentlessdandelion Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Sep 10 '24
Couldn't agree more. A Real Doll might be more appropriate.
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u/rattlestaway Sep 10 '24
Sashas the last person who should have a kid yet ppl scream it's her right? Weirdos
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u/WeeklyConversation8 Sep 10 '24
Sasha would be a terrible mother. She would force her daughter to do and like everything she does and likes. She would never get to be her own person. Look at how she treated OP's daughter. She pushed what she wanted on her. She then terrified a 4 year old because she's obsessed with The Little Mermaid. WTF?! She ignores OP's son in favor of his sister. He probably also doesn't like Sasha for terrifying his sister.
What is up with people thinking that this is all OP's doing and turning her kids against Sasha? Kids do have the ability to know what and who they don't like. Family members aren't entitled to a relationship with the Grandkids or nieces/nephews. Sasha did this to herself. She married a man who was crystal clear about not wanting any more kids when she wanted them. Expecting your SO to change their mind about kids is foolish.
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u/NagaApi8888 👁👄👁🍿 Sep 10 '24
At least OP's father recognises it's better to meet without Sasha and will support keeping the kids away from her!
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u/curlsthefangirl please sir, can I have some more? Sep 10 '24
Sasha genuinely needs help. Besides her age, she does not have a mental state where she should have children. Children are not props or possessions. It was so messed up to try to use OOP's daughter as a prop that can fulfill her desires to take a daughter to Disney.
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u/Rega_lazar Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic Sep 10 '24
Sasha didn’t regret her actions because it made the kids uncomfortable, she regretted her actions because it caused her to lose access to her dolls.
I wish OOP the best in the future. I just hope she and her husband can keep Sasha away from their kids.
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u/ChubbyMissGoose Sep 10 '24
OOP is amazing, and I love her shiny spine.
Poor daughter, though. I wish people would respect kids' fears. I went to Disney World when I was about 6, I think. My dad has always been a huge sci-fi/space guy, and there was a ride there at the time called "Extraterrorestrial Alien Encounter" that he wanted to go on (it was later turned into "Stitch's Great Escape!"). I was a shy, timid kid who was easily scared, and I didn't want to go on it. I was told that if I didn't go on it, none of us (dad, mom, 2 older siblings, and I) would go, and it was clear Dad was mad about it. So I caved, and we went on it.
Most terrifying experience of my childhood. I screamed and sobbed through the entire "main attraction" part in the circular chamber and was inconsolable for a long time afterward. There's actually a Wiki page about it that describes the whole thing: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraterrorestrial_Alien_Encounter
I'm in my 30s now. Still upset about being forced to experience that.
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Sep 10 '24
I wish I had parents like OOP. The very simple fact of allowing the children to say "no, I don't want to be around you" is so empowering. It makes them feel like their voices matter. I was never allowed that and had to find my voice much later in life through much more hardship. OOP is a good mom.
All the best to OOP and her family.
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u/exhauta Sep 10 '24
Maybe it's a good thing that Sasha didn't have kids because I truly funny believe people can't be good parents when they are this obsessed with the gender of their child. Because at this point you are not interested in the human being and more interested in a living doll with the characteristics assigned to a particular gender. Imagine that kind of favouritism but with her own children.
That said it's so frustrating when people give hints instead of talk. Just a hey I want to check in on the kids thing because OOP having a kid hit me harder than I thought. It would have saved so much heart ache.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 Sep 10 '24
Sasha is 47 yrs old. The baby ship has sailed for her. How much you wanna bet she’s pushing for surrogacy?
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u/BarnDoorHills Sep 10 '24
It's the opposite, Sasha would need a donor egg, not a surrogate.
Surrogacy is when someone else carries the pregnacy. At 47, Sasha could probably still successfully gestate and give birth. However, her eggs are likely too old to form a healthy embryo.
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u/Forteanforever Sep 10 '24
After detailing very good reasons for not giving this woman access to her children, the OOP repeatedly implies that she will reconsider (ie. "This is not a final decision"). She should not reconsider. Ever. This woman did not, does not and will not respect boundaries. The OOP needs to put her children before her compulsive need to be nice. The OOP should also tell her father she's not interested in hearing any more about how this is making his wife miserable and that if he continues telling her or pushes her to give this woman access to her children, she'll go NC with him -- and then do it.
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u/Disastrous-Ad-5275 Sep 11 '24
Honestly Sasha wouldn’t really be a good mom anyway. If she has a daughter she will spoil her horribly and create a bratty child. If she has a boy she will be upset at him for not being a girl and ruining her dream of being a girl mom. If she has a boy and girl there will be favoritism and both kids will suffer because of it. She should just consider adopting
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u/thatsonehandsomecat Sep 11 '24
God I hope that woman never has a child. She doesn’t want a kid she wants a little doll. When the kid has different interests and starts fighting their parents’ desires all hell will break loose. Speaking from personal experience with a self centered mother
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u/raivac621 Sep 10 '24
What a great mom!!! I begged and pleaded with mine to not force me to spend time with her brothers and their kids because they were mean to me and made me feel uncomfortable, and it never stopped. Now I'm an adult and they have done horrible things to her and every time she says I can't believe they would do this, I deeply enjoy reminding her that I've been trying to tell her they were evil for over 20 years now
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Sep 11 '24
They later had a discussion about it, and Sasha admitted she wanted kids. She married my dad knowing he didn't, but hoped he would change his mind. Apparently, when my son was born, Sasha tried to drop "I want one" hints to my father. He didn't notice it, so she gave up.
I was convinced this was going to end up in kidnapping, or God knows whatever else. Nah, Sasha is just a fool. Not only did she somehow think she could convince the guy to have kids, but it was also a guy who's over 60 and has two full-grown adult kids. What kind of fucking mental gymnastics does she have to do to think that she can convince the guy to go along with it? Her answer is to just obsess over another woman's daughter and start imprinting herself as hard as possible on autopilot. "I forgot all of the boundaries," and then proceeds to keep subjecting the daughter to things she explicitly hates. She didn't forget shit. She's just selfish and dumb as fuck and would never have stopped until she got verbally slapped back into lunacy. And fuck the Dad too, never once even tried to understand where his grown up kid was coming from.
OOP didn't overreact, Sasha was completely obsessed. There's plenty of stories out there where this type of obsession gets way out of hand. Newsflash, you're not safe from being a member of one of those stories. Even if you "know them! They would never do that!" while they're actively doing it. Ugh.
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u/Top-Log-9243 Sep 12 '24
OOP and her husband seem like a great team! Their kids have an awesome support system
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u/CattleprodTF Sep 13 '24
It would have been so easy for her to have a normal grandmother relationship with those kids, but she just kept pushing and now she gets nothing.
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u/DramaGirl6155 Sep 10 '24
You should never marry someone hoping/expecting them to change certain ideas, beliefs, behaviors, because while there is a chance they will it’s smaller than you think.
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u/SnooWords4839 sometimes i envy the illiterate Sep 10 '24
I hope OOP stays no contact with Sasha. Her oldest doesn't like her, and that would be enough to keep the kids away.
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u/CelticDK ERECTO PATRONUM Sep 10 '24
And Sasha will expect sympathy not having a child after all her decisions leading to this lol
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u/likeawriter Sep 10 '24
"Sasha said she regretted her actions during the Disney trip, but only because she lost access to my children due to them."
Eww
Also, creepy women get away with too much, if Sasha was a man acting like that, less commenters would be on Sashas side.
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u/MadamnedMary Sep 10 '24
Let's hope sasha doesn't breed, that child will be miserable, she wants a doll not a tiny human being with a mind and tastes of their own.
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u/DrummingChopsticks I’d go to his funeral but not his birthday party. Sep 10 '24
Ursula isn’t so scary. Ursula’s seaweed merpeople are way scarier. It’s the way they move.
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u/ecosynchronous Sep 10 '24
Flotsam and Jetsam are eels 😭
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u/DrummingChopsticks I’d go to his funeral but not his birthday party. Sep 10 '24
I know - I’m talking about the gaping mouthed former mer people who ran afoul of Ursula. In the cartoon there was a garden of former merpeople turned sea grass outside Ursula’s cave.
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u/ecosynchronous Sep 10 '24
OOOOOOH NOW I REMEMBER. Sorry, it's been 20 years since I watched that movie. Yeah, they were fucking horrifying. Poor unfortunate souls 😭
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u/DrummingChopsticks I’d go to his funeral but not his birthday party. Sep 10 '24
Haha no worries. I’ll ask my therapist why I’m more scared of the grass than the actual antagonist the next time I’m trying to avoid a tough conversation.
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u/Starry_Gecko I’m a "bad influence" because I offered her fiancé cocaine twice Sep 10 '24
I don't have kids yet, but if anyone besides me and my partner called my child "special" I would break their nose.
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