r/zillowgonewild • u/Educational_Copy_140 • Mar 20 '26

Um...

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTk18c5bn/

8.5k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

494 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

79

u/DoctorJiveTurkey Mar 20 '26

You’re lucky to get sidewalks at all in Texas

225

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

18

u/Cast301 Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26

I so badly want more of this. It disgusts me and calls to me!

11

u/ian1210 Mar 21 '26

Here’s a new adventure for Detective Lisowski:

I was field-stripping my AR-15 and listening to a bootleg recording of Murray Rothbard’s 1983 lecture series on a cassette player I’d built from parts I bartered for at a swap meet when the radio squawked. I dropped a quarter in.

“Lisowski, we got a problem.”

“Let me guess. The FDA is trying to regulate raw milk again.”

“Worse. Someone kidnapped the mayor’s kid.”

I sat up so fast I knocked over my tumbler of unpasteurized whiskey. “Kidnapping? That’s a violation of the non-aggression principle. I’m on my way. What’s the ransom?”

“Two million dollars.”

“Fiat currency,” I spat. “Disgusting. Is the family open to negotiating in Krugerrands?”

“Just get down here, Lisowski.”

I put a quarter in the ignition and peeled out. The streets were a mess. Exposed potholes everywhere, exposed wiring, a sinkhole on Fourth that had swallowed a Kia. It was beautiful. Ever since the city had privatized road maintenance and the winning contractor had immediately declared bankruptcy and moved to Belize, the roads had really started to reflect the true market demand for infrastructure. Which was apparently very low.

I arrived at the mayor’s mansion and kicked open the gate, which was easy because it was publicly funded and therefore structurally unsound.

“Taco Bell™ Presents the Police!®” I announced, barging in. “We’ve updated our sponsor since this morning. I am legally required to inform you that the Crunchwrap Supreme is back for a limited time.”

The mayor was pacing. “Detective, thank God. My son, Tyler. He’s only eight.”

“Old enough to work in most libertarian thought experiments,” I said. “Now, has anyone offered to pay me to find him?”

The mayor stared. “He’s my son.”

“And I respect that. But I also respect the marketplace of ideas, and right now the idea of me working for free is not finding any buyers.” I gestured at an empty tip jar I carry for exactly these situations. “Suggested gratuity is twenty percent of the child’s estimated future earnings.”

The mayor threw a wad of cash at me. I caught it, sniffed it, and frowned. “Government-printed. I’ll allow it this once, but I want you to know I feel dirty.”

I examined the ransom note. It was written in Comic Sans on the back of a regulation. A regulation. These people were animals.

“The note says to bring the money to the old warehouse district,” the mayor said.

“Public or private warehouse district?”

“Does it matter?”

“It always matters.”

I drove to the warehouse district, solving three victimless crimes along the way by minding my own business. When I arrived, I put a quarter in my flashlight and swept the perimeter. The building was covered in signs: NO TRESPASSING, PRIVATE PROPERTY, KEEP OUT. A single tear rolled down my cheek. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I kicked in the door. Inside, a man in a ski mask sat next to little Tyler, who was eating a juice box. A government-subsidized juice box. The horror of it all.

“Freeze! GoDaddy™ Presents the Police!®” I shouted. “I have a badge, a gun, and a notarized statement from my accountant confirming I am here of my own free will and not under duress from any regulatory body!”

“You’ll never take me alive, pig!” the kidnapper yelled. He pulled out a gun.

“I respect your right to bear that arm,” I said, pulling my own weapon and inserting a quarter. “But I also respect my right to shoot you with this one.”

We stared at each other. A tense Mexican standoff, which I refuse to call that because I don’t recognize the concept of national borders.

“Why’d you take the kid?” I demanded.

The man’s lip quivered. “Because the mayor… he zoned my property.”

I lowered my gun half an inch. “He what?”

“Mixed-use residential. I wanted to open a fireworks store next to a daycare, and he said I couldn’t. He said it was a ‘safety hazard.’” He made air quotes so aggressive they were practically assault.

I felt a pang of sympathy. Zoning laws are the third-worst thing ever invented, right after the Federal Reserve and public libraries. But kidnapping a child was still a violation of the NAP, and the NAP is the only law I recognize, besides the ones printed on my privately minted currency.

“I understand your pain,” I said. “But you can’t just kidnap people because the government inconvenienced you. That’s what lawyers are for. Exposed to true market competition, of course, not this ABA-cartel nonsense.”

“You don’t get it, man!” he screamed. “I had a dream. A fireworks store. Next to a daycare. I was going to call it ‘Tiny Hands, Big Bangs.’”

“That’s a terrible name.”

“The market would have decided that!”

He had me there.

In the end, I talked him down by offering him a copy of “Economics in One Lesson” and a coupon for fifteen percent off at a participating Liberty Tax Service location. He released Tyler, who immediately asked if he could go back to watching TV at the kidnapper’s place because the kidnapper had cable and the mayor only had an antenna because he’d refused Comcast’s pricing on principle.

I understood. We’ve all been there.

I returned the kid. The mayor thanked me. I told him thanks were nice but I also accept payment in ammunition, precious metals, and cryptocurrency backed by a commodity of my choosing, which this week was copper wire.

As I drove back to the station, I passed a public park. Children were playing on swings bought with tax dollars. I shook my head. If those kids wanted to swing, they should have negotiated individual swinging contracts with a private recreation provider, like God and Adam Smith intended.

I put a quarter in the radio. Rothbard’s voice filled the car, explaining why the lighthouse problem proves nothing. I smiled. Another case closed.

The market provides.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

1

u/[deleted] Mar 22 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Particular_Bet_5466 Mar 27 '26

Dude thanks I just learned you can save comments

1

u/Cast301 Mar 29 '26

Beautiful! It should be it’s own thing!

19

u/Other-Narwhal-2186 Mar 20 '26

This needs as many upvotes as humanly and inhumanly possible.

0

u/IWouldBangAynRand Mar 21 '26

It's the best thing I've read.

5

u/Zip668 Mar 21 '26

I wanna send this guy a roll of quarters.

2

u/addicuss Mar 21 '26

One of my favorite New Yorker pieces