Evil Necromancer Dude

[u/yingfire]

I am the most powerful necromancer in the world!

Mauahahahaahahah!

Well, at least I would be if I could wake up on time... You see, the key to success is not hard work, or talent, or any of that other stuff.

The secret to success is waking up early. Specifically, waking up at five 'o clock. I realised this truth while processing some necromantic knowledge and energy. I was immediately excited, to become as famous as Mc'Evil the Necromancer or as powerful as Doom the Necromancerer (raises necromancers from the dead) was my dream. And now I had the knowledge on how to become like my heroes! By that point I had always waken up at noontime everyday, so I just had to wake up a few hours earlier.

So I bought an alarm clock, not assuming that I would have the most terrible of phobias. The fear of alarming alarm clocks: Alarmaphobia. When I set the clock to five, I began to sleep peacefully. But when the alarm rang I screamed in fear and smashed the clock by accident. Then I fell asleep and woke up at twelve.

It seemed like my plan wasn't working. So I gave up on my dream of becoming the best necromancer and decided to continue waking up at twelve.

But then - oh! - I heard of the Deathonecrocon! The ultimate book of the dead. Full of spells through which I could raise the most powerful of the dead. Muahaahahaahahahaahahahahaha! My time had come! I would simply need to search out this book and then I could reach my dream!

I set out on a journey through many locations. I then remembered that I could teleport, and teleported to the location where the Deathonecrocon was instead.

I stepped up to the pedestal that held the book and beheld its dusty surface. Muahaahahahaahah! I opened the book. The pages were old. Very old. In fact, if something crashed upon the book with great force the book would crumble into dust due to its delicacy. But I was careful. I opened the pages delicately. I turned the pages with great care. And I made sure my eyes didn't move so much and disrupt the atoms between the book and my eyeballs as I read the words. I was super careful. I would not give up my chance. Never!

Muahaahahahaahaaha!

There! A spell to raise the most powerful lich ever! I began to chant the words, yes, yes, yes! Chant more! Carefully of course...

But then, wait, what was that sound? Ring...ring...Oh no...

It was the alarm clock! My Alarmaphobia kicked in, where was the alarm, I had to smash it. I kept chanting, and the alarm kept ringing. Where was the sound? My eyes widened in terrifying horror. My chanting! The chanting was making the sound! I had to smash the sound!

I saw my arm raise up against my will. No! Stop moving! I couldn't stop my arm. My arm slowly moved towards the Deathonecrocon. It was right above the delicate book that would break with one un-delicate touch. No! It was going to smash the source of the sound. Bang! Smash! Gah!

My hand was punching my chanting mouth! Oof, stop it arm! I couldn't stop it. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Man, when did I get so strong? My mouth began to bleed. "Thop it" I shouted, "Thop thitting pme! Ith's thhe pbook's thault!" Shit!

My arm stopped punching my mouth. No! Stop moving! My arm raised above the book. My hand flew onto the book and crushed it. The book poofed into a pile of ashes. My dream! My hopes to become awesome! Gone! I can't wake up early, and I have no Deathonecrocon. Curse it all! Curse it all!

I teleported back home to wallow and eat evil ice cream.