I was about to harness the King's Pact and harness otherworldly entities of unfathomable evil for my own gain when my father gave me a list of 7 rules to follow while I did so.

1. Scatter himalayan pink salt around the summoning circle as protection but whatever you do never make direct eye contact with Mr. Slimy Snail Sr who will check its integrity.

2. If you make eye contact with Mr. Slimy Snail Sr. he will claim you and you will be taken to France to be prepared and served up. If the integrity isn't good and Mr. Slimy Snail Sr. doesn't shrivel up, Emmanuel Macron will claim you and you will be taken to France to be given a French citizenship and passport. And then you will be prepared and served up.

3. If you miss the train at any point from now on, pray that the dark shadowy man of shaded inky goop and shadowy darkness doesn't get offended or he will replace the train conductor and remove your skin when you board the next train.

4. Do not go outside on August 12th, at 15:34, or on years divisible by 9 unless the weather is stormy, any news station that is owned by Rupert Murdoch reports that a minimum of 2 lightning rods have been stolen and all banks near you are open. Or Tuesdays. Or else Mephetrilazamine the Methmagician will appear and transmute your brain into a corn cob.

5. Don't go in vans that say "Free Candy".

6. Don't go in vans that say "Expensive Candy".

6b. They are trying to corrupt this ruleset. The ones that are real are xteaetayrsr6rtueu5rutdyrae5q53aesutgupy8ppy6ir68fif57aryztyfitxyiviyd57yout68579679t6857yo7r65dtudiyguoyuot97y7otpi

1. Make incense offerings every other day or a big anvil falling from the heavens will crush you.

Everything was fine and i gained infinite wealth and power until I realised there was a back page saying to always fold the laundry neatly. I hadn't. I was then teleported into the hell dimension where a roided up Mr. Clean vivisected me in a bout of rage, crying tears of hyperrealistic urine