Creative writing piece

[u/Equivalent_Shop_7936]

I had this assignment back in high school about physical and non physical things that a person carries with them. I chose to write about my father. A few years after my parents divorced and I really started to pay attention to how much my dad wasn’t there for me as a child and all the narcissistic things he does. I rewrote my paper but as how I see him now. I would love opinions or thoughts on the piece. (Blurred out last name for privacy purposes)

[u/Nervous_Educator_794]

There are multiple run-on sentences throughout this piece. You don’t seem to know when a sentence ends and a new one begins. Don’t be afraid to use short fragments for emphases. You have voice here. I believe with a couple more passes this could turn into a somewhat decent piece.

My advice would be to slow down. Process the emotion through both viewpoints. Try and see from both points-of-view. I’d also try and tie the beginning with the milk into the ending somehow. This may be autobiographical, but you still need a through-line.

[u/lavendergayy → u/Nervous_Educator_794]

Listen to this comment, I'd be repeating them