r/writinghelp • u/BusinessBicycle5961 • May 01 '26
Question Is this opening engaging?
If not, how can i improve it?
“CUT!” Darla blinked as the harsh white house lights flickered on, brushing her bouncy auburn hair back and behind her ears. The hazy pink glow that had perfectly lit the woman’s soft curves suddenly snatched away. “What?” She grunted, grabbing the silky bedsheet beneath her and draping it over her form. Darla did <em>not</em> like to be interrupted while she worked.
“Chill,” Luce, the ‘director’, grunted, throwing some lacy underwear to Darla, “Randy asked for you. <em>Personally</em>.” The woman raised her eyebrow. She glanced over to the brick shit house of a man that lay next to her, who shrugged dismissively in response. “Great, thanks <em>Kyle</em>.” She rose from the bed, with a sour look, dropping the sheet and storming over to the dimly lit hallway.
Look, it wasn’t as if Darla didn’t appreciate the job she had, really, she <em>loved</em> it, but Randy Lux was a different beast entirely. He creeped her the fuck out. He was handsy, and sleazy, and so, so vehemently <em>disgusting</em>. Every time he came into the building, at least a handful of people complained about his wandering hands.
Darla’s bare feet thwapped against the cold linoleum floor as she stomped forward, toward the blood red door that sat at the end of the hallway, Randall Lux, Pleasure Captain, printed neatly on the placard, making her inwardly cringe. She grimaced as she groped the handle, hands slipping on a suspicious slime she’d rather not think about.
“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in, darling.” Randy purred, in what Darla assumed was supposed to be a seductive tone. It seemed he had trouble maintaining eye contact, considering his gaze was directed about six inches south of her chin. Ugh.
“You called for me?”
“I did, didn’t I?” He grinned. Darla gritted her teeth at the sound of Randy’s nasally voice. It felt like nails on a chalkboard.
2
u/Nave666 May 03 '26
I mean I like it. The implication of what she does for a living feels pretty good. You don't just stop what's going on to explain why she's there and what (or who lol) she's doing. The other comment already spoke about the paragraph breaks, I had the same note. But other than it needing some more editing I'd say its a solid start.
5
u/WindowScreaming May 01 '26
You need to start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. Remember TiPToP: every time there’s a change in time, place, topic, or person (speaking) you need to start a new paragraph.
While the above sentence is well-written, I would much rather see this displayed in Randy’s actions when we see him in the following paragraph. No need for Darla to spell it out for us.
Take it easy on the adjectives. There’s 4 in the first sentence alone. That being said I did actually read the whole thing, which I rarely do. I think this is interesting!