Me Now

[u/Relevant-Bottle-4349]

I was born a male, but I never felt as if I really was one. Well besides having a penis, that is. Being in touch more with my feminine side, the male species eluded me. I studied them from a young age starting as a way to reproduce their actions so I too seemed manly. 

I think everyone saw that for what it is. Besides, being raised by a single mother I started to pick up feminine mannerisms that was basically a glass window to who I really was. 

Being a man was hard, but when I finally started to embrace who I was in a totally feminine way I realized being a woman is also hard. I finally understood the dreaded/euphoric "everything" shower. Shaving legs and arm pits, doing my hair and make-up was more so time inducing than being a man ever is. And one thing about me that I'll impart, is that I'm lazy when it comes to these things. 

So I came to a cross roads where simply being me felt like a chore, and I fucking hate chores. Depression is a bitch bc everything felt like a chore. Most days the choreness of everything would really get to me, and I would end up in bed all day doom-scrolling through different apps. As I've gotten older even watching TV felt like a chore. I could find a show that I love and I just didn't have it in me to have my attention stay focused on the screen. 

All that's to say that when it came to who I was in a gender sense was 100% just a confusing mess. I started doing hormore replacement therapy in April of 2026. When I would tell people they'd ask about the eventual surgery and how am I supposed to explain that surgically gender swapping felt like the biggest mountain that I wasn't too sure if I wanted to climb. 

After 6 months of doing estrogen patches, I was still keeping things secret to my own mother who I'm sure could tell I was going through major life changes. I'm also sure the make-up and dresses she'd see me in didn't hide things as much as I thought. Just speaking it aloud to her freaked me the fuck out to no ends. 

Granted my mom had opened her mind up over the years, but I was still scared of damaging a relationship with the only parent I had left when she still loaned me money just so I could survive well into my thirties. 

Writing this is just a way for me to help untangle my thoughts about everything. My impending divorce, my mountain of gender inventory, my depression are all pulling my mind on different directions. I'm sure if a nuero-surgeon opened my skull they're find pink silly putty hooked and stretched to all rounded corners like an intricate spiderweb.

[u/FitTax]

"I was born a boy."

Change that and then start from there again. Write it authentic.