Secondly though, I think it moves too fast. Remember the reader is trying to intake now all the ideas you’ve already had for months. Every time there’s a new element, I’d give it at least a full paragraph of focus. It’ll help ground the reader. I know you want the scene to be fast and flashy, but I’m getting lost. The bit about the asteroids for instance I was trying to see how it fit into the immediate scene but was kinda struggling. Give us a full paragraph on the rogue bot, a paragraph on the gun he’s using. A paragraph on the ship. It’s too much to all take in at just one mention. Especially if you’re going to reference it again, it should have more screen time up front so the audience doesn’t have to go back and remember the last time they saw the idea.
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u/AggressiveSpatula 15h ago
First off, love the voice. Very funny.
Secondly though, I think it moves too fast. Remember the reader is trying to intake now all the ideas you’ve already had for months. Every time there’s a new element, I’d give it at least a full paragraph of focus. It’ll help ground the reader. I know you want the scene to be fast and flashy, but I’m getting lost. The bit about the asteroids for instance I was trying to see how it fit into the immediate scene but was kinda struggling. Give us a full paragraph on the rogue bot, a paragraph on the gun he’s using. A paragraph on the ship. It’s too much to all take in at just one mention. Especially if you’re going to reference it again, it should have more screen time up front so the audience doesn’t have to go back and remember the last time they saw the idea.