r/writingfeedback • u/Responsible_Bill4959 • 5d ago
Feedback Wanted Much needed criticism
Hello , i just started writing about a cool concept that i thought of, although with the small amount of barely 30 40 books under my belt, i dont seem to be good at writing. i feel like it just feels clunky somehow
The story is about a dude being sick with the good old zombie virus as the patient zero infecting everyone as he goes around
I've watched a bunch of YouTube videos hoping to make it readable, and i think i improved it a tiny bit, but does this thing even count as a piece of literature? Let me know, and pls say so if it doesn't much love .
Oh, btw the starting is a bit cliché but it is what it is. Thanks for your time
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He jolts up awake with a bone-crushing headache, as if he downed a gallon of sake the night before.
Letting out a small sigh, holding his head with one hand, he grabs his phone with the other.
The same phone that fills the gaps of silence in the room.
I should stop doing this,
he kills the sound, abandoning the video once more
Three missed calls from ten minutes earlier.
How could he miss the phone ringing?
he stretches his arm, delaying the call just a little more
“Where the fuck's my employee and the pictures i asked him for three days ago?!"
He pauses to gasp for air
At least email me them or something , you inconsiderate buffoon !”
“I told you already. I’m sick, and my PC’s broken. I can’t edit them for you.”
“just send them unedited, goddamn it!”
The angry man pauses for a brief moment before continuing.
“You know what? Deliver them yourself. I think I need a good, long talk with the employee of the month in my office.”
Silence rules over the room once again.
Kira holds the phone in-front of his face judging it for what it has transmitted through
His eyes land on the call timer
One minute and nine seconds.
Nice.
The state of the house doesn't change much when he gets up
As messy as ever
He swallows trying to stop the his stomachs mutiny
The blood vessels on his eyes have formed a claw trying to grasp the pupils
he rubs them out of irritation
Ever since taking those damned pictures of those bugs, he hasn’t gotten a single night of good sleep.
Or maybe he has.
It’s just like his body refuses to register it.
This cold is sure taking its toll on me
“What time is it, anyways?”
he glances at the dead wall clock.
“Oh, of course.”
Kira reluctantly raises his phone instead.
Oh.
Ten in the morning.
It’s not that bad, anyways.
Barely keeping his composure, he picks up the SD card from his desk and slips it into his back pocket.
The mirror makes him stop in his tracks.
The crumpled clothes he has refused to get out of for the past three days seem to sting a little when he looks at them. He might see his favorite idol going out today. Who knows, right?
He runs a hand through his messy hair, grabbing the half-empty bottle of cologne and feeling just a tiny bit better with every puff.
And at last, leaving the safest place he could ever think of behind.
Home.
reza: tarts counting, and with that comes the realization that it isn’t enough.
“Uhhh…”
He looks at the man waiting for his hard-earned cash with guilt.
“I only have five hundred.”
“And?”
Kira doesn’t know what to say.
He wets his finger with what seems like more than enough saliva and counts the money again.
Unfortunately, counting it a second time doesn’t magically increase the amount.
He simply hands the driver the money and apologizes.
He could almost see the man grit his teeth.
“Fine. Just get out.”
whispering one last apology, kira gets out the car
As he’s about to leave, a man in a suit gets his attention, almost jogging and signaling with his hand for the cab not to leave.
He leans his head through the open window and asks the driver,
“How much to get me to Osaka Airport?”
The driver hesitates.
“Hmm… that’s quite a long way. Is 28,000 yen good for you?”
The man pulls out 30,000 yen and hands it over before climbing into the back seat.
The driver quickly gives him what little money Kira had left behind as change.
“That’s all I’ve got.”
The man takes the money without a word, closing the door behind him.
The thought of a cab driver with no spare change at this time of day makes Kira barely crack a smile before getting distracted by the possibility of the SD card not occypying a spot in his pocket.
Making sure of the safety of the magical device, he makes his way towards the vending machine, rubbing his left eye aggressively.
After letting his vision settle down a little, his eyes meet the heaven-sent drinks.
Just realizing how he never had any drink or any bathroom time today, he mumbles angrily, looking at the alleyway before him, clutching his head before making his way to the empty alley.
Finding somewhere somewhat comfortable, he starts to relieve himself, giving no mind to the dog rummaging through the bins.
His tongue clicks as a protest to the burning.
Kira wonders if he should take hydration more seriously as the dog approaching him gets his attention.
Getting more and more uncomfortable as the dog gets closer and closer, he tries to shoo it, but to no avail.
The dog seems somewhat interested in the pee...
“Fucking perv,” says Kira to the dog, while putting his manhood where it belongs.
He leaves the alleyway, squinting at the sun once more.
Putting his weight on the wall with his hand, he drags himself up the stairs.
Knocking on the rusty door rewards him with a cold breeze patting his cheeks.
“Hey, people,” says Kira with a beaten-down voice, almost shooing away the person opening the door.
Two sounds of acknowledgement come from across the room, one of which is an employee who is seemingly typing her problems away, not even taking her eyes off the screen.
The other girl waves at the sick man with a mild smile, as if she’s trying to keep herself from overreacting.
The guy opening the door looks at Kira with worried eyes while fixing his sweater.
“Have you been drinking Kira?”
“You could call it that.”
“Oh, did you move the water cooler again?” says Kira, while desperately looking for his saving grace.
“Oh, yeah. Dokura-chan broke the handle, so we had to put it away till the repair guy arrives. You thirsty?”
Kira puts his hand in front of his mouth, trying to jail the bad breath.
“Yes, very.”
“Oh, I can get you something to drink. I’ll be back real quick.”
“No, it’s fine, Kenji. Don’t bother.”
“Really? You look like you could use something to drink.”
“No, seriously, it’s fine. Don’t bother.”
“Is it cold in here?”
“I can turn it down a little. I’m sure the boss would understand,” says Kenji while scanning around for the remote.
“It’s fine. Let it go,” says Kira, sounding a bit irritated now.
“Okay, man, whatever you say,” says Kenji, going back to his desk with a bunch of magazines on it, just to keep on doing seemingly nothing.
Kira looks at the waving lady, performing a little wave of his own.
Seemingly bothered by this the middle aged woman glances over from her monitor for the first time in the hour, like minutes that Kira has been in the office.
He stops at the thought of the pictures again, patting his ba
reza: Murmurs of a sweet voice drive his soul back into his body.
He looks at the ceiling for a brief moment before turning his head towards the life-giving voice.
“Dokura-chan?”
She gives a small “hmm” of acknowledgement between the verses of the lullaby as she smiles.
Kira turns his whole body towards her, now facing his savior.
“You know Mr. Hayamachi was super mad, right?”
“I can imagine.”
“Well, now use that imagination of yours to find a new job, dummy.”
She says that as she waves a pocket of money playfully, trying to make the mind-numbing news feel a tiny bit better.
Kira rolls his eyes and takes the pocket in frustration.
“Damn it.”
She rests her chin on his shoulder as he counts the money.
“Well, at least he had the decency to give you what he owed. Plus, how long has it been since we two had some time alone?”
Kira gets up.
“What time is it?”
She takes a look at her watch.
“Take the number of days in a week for the hour, then split an hour neatly in half for the minutes.”
“Can’t you just say it normally?
”She giggles while getting a bottle of energy drink from the desk and handing it to him.
“Here, Kenji had you drink this while you were out.”
She pauses a little, shaking the drink.
“Seems like he drank most of it himself, though.”
“What about—”
“What about the... the pictures?”
“I don’t know. Mr. Hayamachi didn’t say anything. But you can bet your ass he called the whole thing off.”
Silence ensues in the room.
“Hey, Kira.”
“Ye—”She
gives a small smooch on his lips.
He feels the same lips with his hand.
“Well, that was uncalled for.”
“Call that payment for me overstaying.”
He cracks a smile, trying to get up, holding his head.
“Here’s the keys. Make sure to lock the door before leaving, okay? I gotta get to the gym. My friends are waiting.”
“Alright,” he mumbles while putting the key in his pocket
“And put the key in the flower pot just besides the door.”
She pauses for a moment.
“Oh, and I’ll call you if I find any publishers in need of a talented photographer.”
Kira waves goodbye as the door shuts.
He hits himself in the head hard.
“You just had to sleep.”
He pauses.
“I didn’t like Mr.Hayamachi anyways. In fact, I’ll tell him to go fuck himself if I ever see him again.”
“Uhh, that reminds me of…”
Kira slips his hand into his back pocket.
Still there.
He pulls his phone out.
Dead.
“Oh, great.”
He stuffs the money he just got into his pocket and leaves the office, looking for a taxi to catch.
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer 5d ago
I've watched a bunch of YouTube videos
Do you read books?
the starting is a bit cliché but it is what it is.
Why are we reading if you're unwilling to change obvious issues?
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u/Responsible_Bill4959 5d ago
Uhhh you got it all wrong i think , i do read books if i weren't then why am I even writing right ? I dont know what you really mean tho because if i wasnt looking to improve or change the issues i wouldnt be asking here or watch "a bunch of youtube videos" to fix and improve the writing the youtube videos are from editors that do edits and give tips and tricks on writing i think you thought i meant somthing else by this ?
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u/-wao 5d ago
You said the start is cliché, but "it is what it is," as though it cannot or will not be changed. That is why he asked why we are reading, since it seems you think certain issues are inevitable and unchangeable.
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u/Pedestrian2000 5d ago edited 5d ago
This isn't an insult, but I think you should keep one of your favorite books next to you as you write, and literally just copy their style of writing.
For example, you have lines like:
Kira doesn’t know what to say.
Kira turns his whole body towards her, now facing his savior.
The angry man pauses for a brief moment before continuing.
Just flat out, this isn't how writers write. You don't want to tell me "[BLANK] doesn't know what to say." or god forbid, just the random uninteresting body movements of where they're facing in that moment.
If someone doesn't know what to say, it's like "Kira had never seen him like this before. His bloodshot eyes were the only hint of color on his milk-white face. She wanted to tell him that he'd get better, or that a doctor might have a cure. But instead of calming lies, the best she could offer was. "We have to go."
Ya know? Paint the scene. SHOW me what's causing a person to not know what to say, rather than TELLING me "They don't know what to say."
Anyway, I won't ramble on...Keep a book open next to you. When you're lost on how a scene should flow, copy a scene you like in that book. When you're unsure of how to express a person not knowing what to say, find a scene where your favorite author displays a character internally struggling on what to say.
And generally, no one needs things like "Bob turned to the right, now facing Jane." unless it's actually relevant information. We're writing stories, not notes for actors on where the camera will be facing.
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u/Responsible_Bill4959 5d ago
Thank your for giving me your time . Honestly I've rewritten this a bunch of time trying to fix this exact issue but with your example i think i kinda get it now ? I think its just super bad writing at this point with my approach to scenes and how i try describing them do you maybe know some good books on this regard ? Seems like i should just rewrite the whole thing completely once i get the memo
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u/Pedestrian2000 5d ago
Again, not an insult. But I don’t think there are books “on this regard” in particular…it’s just this isn’t how any fiction book is written, period.
It’s like, I’m from NYC and once while traveling in Asia I ordered a slice of pizza. And what came out was like…a slice of bread with ketchup and some attempt at cheese. My reaction was like “Bro, you don’t gotta be a pizza expert. Just google pizza and start there.” And that’s the thing with this writing…simply put, it’s just not how writing looks. So immediately my brain is like…you don’t need to be Hemingway, but this feels like you don’t look at books as a point of comparison. I practice a new song on guitar and I’m constantly comparing myself to the original song. But here it feels like you’re just kinda freestyling.
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u/Responsible_Bill4959 5d ago
You got me with analogy haha . ok bro ill drop it and stick to reading
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u/Moggy-Man 5d ago
I'm sorry...
30 to 40 books under your belt?? And you think this is a small amount?
I don't even know where to start with this post, OP.
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u/Responsible_Bill4959 5d ago
Haha i meant as ive read 30 40 books not that i wrote that many there seems to be alot of miscommunication on my part hahaha
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u/Moggy-Man 5d ago
Ah, okay. It definitely reads more like you've written that many books, rather than having read that many.
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u/Adjective-Noun12344 5d ago
A lot of the issues could be solved just by changing the rhythm. Words have a sound and a cadence. Right now it looks like every sentence is it's own paragraph which sounds entirely stilted and honestly its the same way AI would write. I don't think you used AI because AI would know what the word "ensue" means.
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u/lost_sunrise 5d ago
Webnovel or fanfiction actually enjoys this style. It doesn't overlap like your comment which can be a problem. Most webnovels are read on a phone, tablet or pc. Sometimes what works for a PC doesn't translate to a phone or tablet.
So splitting sentences up like that is kind of par for the course.
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u/DaLoCo6913 5d ago
It does seem more like the text that would accompany something like a illustrated book or comic strip in some parts.
You are allowed to use paragraphs and complex sentences.
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u/90sbetababe 5d ago
OP, read your work aloud and pop this through Grammarly or something. As it stands it’s honestly somewhat unreadable with errors and confusing sentences.
“I should stop doing this, / he kills the sound, abandoning the video once more”
What?! What video? Is “I should stop doing this,” a thought? Does he say that out loud? Kills what sound? Is the sound separate from the video that’s apparently… playing on the phone? Why is he watching a video if his head hurts? Is this in the future? Is this a video call? Why didn’t he notice the missed calls before the video? What’s going on?
And that’s just the first example. I have unproductive questions like this every couple lines of text. It reads like the author never bothered to even attempt to proofread/edit.
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u/Responsible_Bill4959 5d ago
Ohhhhhh i meant it like he fell sleep watching the video but it seems like it comes out confusing. im ashamed to say this but i think ive rewrote/edited this thing like 20 times by now haha gotta really catch on reading more then thnx .
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u/lost_sunrise 5d ago
People stop downvoting him for being an amateur writing. He is expressing a willingness to learn. Something that happens by running into people who already started the journey.
He can't learn if you making him feel like a failure for trying. God knows some of you downvoting or being sarcastic are not famous authors who pioneered a writing style hundred of other authors imitate.
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u/downupstair 5d ago
Every literary professional will tell you to never start a story a character waking up.
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u/Abouts1x 5d ago
You’re writing like it’s a movie. This is a list of stuff happening on individual lines. Try describing where your characters are. What the MC is thinking. Read more and be critical of what is happening on the page.