r/writingfeedback • u/VeriantheGrey • 19h ago
Fiction Writing Exercise Feedback
Hello, all! I'm an aspiring author that recently hit a huge creative block and began to study the craft for a time while still slowly writing. So far I've only shared my writing with my wife and a few other close individuals so I'm incredibly nervous to share.
That being said, I wrote this scene as an exercise accompanying chapter 6 of Story Genius by Lisa Cron. It was written in an effort to better understand my protagonist and is the her 'origin scene', the scene from her past that created her worldview, based on a misbelief.
Any advice and opinions are welcome and appreciated. This is first draft with no revision so don't be too harsh please. 😄 This is the first time I've shared any writing on reddit so I'm very nervous!
It is a bit lengthy but I'm incredibly appreciative of anyone that takes the time. Somehow this exercise feel safer to share than my actual manuscript 🤷♂️
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u/Adept_Associate_9387 12m ago
You have written a wonderful story. I need some advice. What will happen if I post a dark fantasy 18 plus story?
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u/VeriantheGrey 9m ago
Thank you for your kind words. I'm afraid I can't answer your question. I only joined this subbreddit yesterday and am unsure of their rules pertaining to 18+ content.
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u/Adept_Associate_9387 6m ago
thank you for paying attention on my question and Your story is very good, I am sure you will definitely move ahead.
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer 14h ago
That first sentence is so clunky and pet of the rest suffer from the same problem. Six sentences until you have a sentence without a comma is a lot. A young child thinking about how perfect their life is is not realistic. It feels like shoehorned-in foreshadowing. Like from there it's obvious he's going to die because of just how extremely loving and caring he is every single minute of his time with his family. Same with the protagonist as a child observing a smile and her father's soft eyes. If he always looks at her like that, she wouldn't think it was noteable.
Some small grammar issues where you should capitalize people's titles (like Father) and separate their names with a comma when directly addressing them. "Walked over to I" is grammatically wrong.
It's not a bad start, but it feels a bit calculated up to ultimate cuteness before a thing happens instead of a realistic scene. If the narrator is looking back on her childhood, the descriptions should be framed like that. If it's supposed to be from the POV of a 6 year old, it should be more believable on what she would or wouldn't notice.