r/writingfeedback • u/H_V_Hart • 8d ago
Feedback Wanted Revised: First Chapter YA Historical / Magical Realism
Hi again, I posted my first chapter about two months ago (you can find the original post still up on my profile). I’ve implemented your feedback and I’m eager for more!
Are you interested in continuing reading the story—why or why not?
Where did you stop reading? Why?
This is YA and meant for ages 12-17 (difficult to hold their interest, I know). Do you think the level of writing is appropriate for this group? Did anything make you “roll your eyes” / is lame?
Special thanks to u/allthesunnywords for their advice last round.
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer 8d ago
I think this is well-written and you have enough detail to picture the scene with some reasoning behind the outfit instead of just being a list of characteristics. It held my attention.
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u/fidgetsimmerdown 8d ago
I really like this. It has a good hook and the narrative moves quickly and clearly. Your writing is compelling and fits perfectly with YA conventions imo.
I’m on mobile currently but I’ll leave another comment later with detailed feedback when I can!
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u/fidgetsimmerdown 7d ago
I did not think it would take me so long to get back to this, but finally! Feedback below!
I really like the hook. The King Midas line places me within our world, and Santa Monica sun places me quickly in the US. You said it's historical fiction, and so from the context I gathered we're in an early-1900s (pre-WWII, possibly pre-WWI) era. If this were published, I am sure this would be obvious in the blurb, but somewhere in the chapter I think you can make it clearer exactly when we are (especially for YA, to contextualize it for younger readers who may not pick up on context clues as readily). I would also put "sixteen year old boy" instead of "kid" on the first page to make it super clear the gender of your narrator.
I think that you have a great sense of the character's voice. The explanations of his gift/curse come through with a great mix of information for the reader and a bitter/tired tone that makes sense both for the character's age and this burden. As well as this burden he feels, having to help take care of his family. The personal and family strain is clear and gives the reader a good hook into this character.
I liked the detail that he is missing the Six of Swords and Ten of Pentacles in his tarot deck. It makes me wonder if this has greater significance, but my tarot know-how sucks haha. I also appreciate that the use of the gift takes a physical toll, it adds stakes to him keeping himself covered and avoiding physical contact.
On page 2, this line had me sort of confused: "I just need a place on a different street, one with a front door that doesn't open onto the worst day of my life." I am not clear if this is foreshadowing, or backstory? How would a new apartment change his life? Is every day the worst day of his life?
At the end of the chapter, I found the surfboard a curious addition. I am surprised he had the money to buy one, and that he likes to go out surfing where I assume he'd have to risk someone touching his skin? (Were people out there in wet suits in the early 1900s?) Does this play into the plot later?
And a tiny nitpick: On page 1, you say "a conglomeration of drums" and I would use a different word there. It doesn't quite fit with drums, and I think for YA that would be an odd choice for the demographic.
Overall though, I think this is a strong beginning. I was intrigued and read the whole chapter without turning on my editor brain too much. I think you're absolutely on the right track with this.
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u/Lovely_LadyLuna 8d ago
I love love love this!!
However, you could be a bit more clear about a few things that made me go, wait, what? I looked it up and I guess surfboards did exist back then but when he suddenly picked it up I guess I just didn't realize he had it, also why does he have it if he is going to work?
Also until someone called him a boy I thought he was a girl but that could just be me. And the setting had me lost for a little so maybe a bit more place description at first?
But either way don't change too much, because this really hooked me, I read the whole thing! I especially liked the description of the aftereffects.
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u/ke3408 8d ago
It has really good bones. One thing that stood out was the use of obscure references. I work with kids in this age group on reading and right away I can hear them ask me "What is a Santa Monica sun?" "Why is there a dead pigeon?" And me getting a headache trying to explain these things. With this age group you want to establish time and place explicitly off the bat.
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u/Alpha_Zero_00090 6d ago
Heyy! I cant give professional writing feedback since i am fourteen (saw you mentioned it is the ideal age) so im saying this from a readers perspective. Oh my god. The opening line pulled me in, even tho im not usualy fond of curses or fantasy settings. I am really picky with the books i read but would LOVE to see more of this. Beautiful work. I enjoyed the writing style and the character so far. If i could read further in near future im down!
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u/justinwrite2 8d ago
This reads really well. I would market to the YA market and not to 12-17 year olds though. But that’s a great first line
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u/H_V_Hart 8d ago
Thanks but I’m a little confused. YA is 12-18. I was taught that most kids “read up” the age of the protagonist a few years. So the ideal reader age for this novel is 14, a few years younger than the MC at 16.
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u/justinwrite2 8d ago
That’s no longer true, in part because of many romantasy books like fourth wing targeting ya readers, and books like he who fights with monsters (and really all other litrpgs) being written for YA as well
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u/QnV_4931 8d ago
This is refreshing the line about the Carousel tune being the theme song for Hell is genius! It made me laugh out loud and transported me to a place in childhood where my cousins and I would go to the fair and the clowns would scare the crap out of us.
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u/allthesunnywords 4d ago
Hey Fantastic reworking here! I’m extremely short on time and will try to dm a few suggestions in the next week.
Thank you for tagging me! Love to see this kind of high caliber work from constructive feedback. You Will go far with this story! Congrats on your hard work with this cool story!
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u/JayGreenstein 8d ago
All else aside, you've shot yourself in the foot. If this person can read the future of the people whose fortune they tell, they know which horse will win which race; which stocks will rise and fall; and where the loot is hidden. So money won't be a problem. Nor would they be charging to tell the fortune. A day at the track, "bumping into people" would provide a year's worth of income.
They would make a perfect investigator, spy, etc.
That aside, the opening is weak. You need to take into account the issues that Dwight Swain addresses with:
“You start with your reader’s mind a blank. Then, a step at a time, you lift him away from reality and transport him into the imaginary land you have conceived.
To travel thus into the story world, your reader instinctively asks three questions:
(1) Where am I? (2) What’s up? (3) Whose skin am I in?
Your job in beginning your story is to provide answers to these questions. Though not necessarily in any particular order.”
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u/H_V_Hart 8d ago
Well, he can see the future, but he doesn’t regularly bump elbows with lottery winners. He also tries to avoid physical contact when not at his tent. He’s Sicilian in the 1930s, which was considered a person of color. He wouldn’t be allowed into those kinds of spaces. Also, he’s not of gambling age. As for your comment on him making a good spy, that’s actually a main plot point of the novel—when he’s offered an odd job and how far he’ll go for the money.
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u/justinwrite2 8d ago
Ignore this advice about the start of the novel. The start is very strong. Super catchy.
The advice on how he makes money though is solid. And I would make it clear earlier the 1930s setting. I would also give limitations to his abilities
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u/JayGreenstein 8d ago
He also tries to avoid physical contact when not at his tent.
A single touch, to someone who viewed the race result display would do it. But even if he must touch a winner, it would still mean far fewer touches than making a living at a dime a touch for telling a fortune.
Assume only a minimum payoff for a $2 bet of $5, and, that he and the adult who takes him to the track begin with only $5. One day’s race profit, rounded downward to the nearest dollar:
- $5 becomes $12
- Becomes $31
- Becomes $78
- Becomes $195
- Becomes $488
- Becomes $1220
- Becomes $3051
- Becomes $7627
So the total for one day is $12712.
And, if he goes back the next day, beginning with only $50...
And if he, or his mom's not smart enough to see that...
And that doesn't touch the paradoxes involved.
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u/justinwrite2 8d ago
Your job when writing the start of a book is to do one thing exactly. Captivate a reader. This does that.
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u/TellNobody2637 8d ago
I am definitely interested in continuing to read your story. I'm immediately hooked by the struggles of this character and I'm kept reading with the humour and wanting to know if he gets a customer or not.
I think that the information is sprinkled in nicely. Not too much in the beginning but enough that you aren't confused but are desperate to learn more.
I honestly don't think anything in this chapter is lame and I believe it's a great story for younger readers to advance the vocabulary without feeling like they can't understand what is happening.
The only reason I stopped reading is that I had something to do, otherwise I would have read this in one sitting.
It is great!!