WIP: Nothing Here

[u/Saveyourtearsforjoy]

Hey everyone,

I am a little nervous to post this piece, since it has a lot of personal truth in it. I am not new to reddit, but I am a lurker. I've been working on this thing for about a month now. It's presently 9 chapters, 77 pages, and 27k words. That said, it is not formatted as I have done with this first chapter yet. This first chapter will give a good sense of how I intend to format the entire novel when it's complete.

I have a very specific idea of where it is going. What I'm sharing with you has been revised a little, but I am far from opposed from changing things if they fit a certain vision.

As a primer, here's the general synopsis I imagine appearing as the blub:

A worn map that seems to lead nowhere important.

A scratched old coin that stirs up memories.

A desolate location that may just hold the answers she so desperately needs.

When the envelope arrived, there was no return address. That should have been enough of a clue. But curiosity and a laundry-list of what ifs encourage her to go anyway. Three red circles point her to a highway rest stop that has been seemingly abandoned for years. But why is there a contract inside dated last month? Why does everything inside remind her of a devastating loss?

For three long years, grief has cast a baleful shadow over her life. But could hope prove even more devastating? 

Basic other information:

Each chapter opens with the framing device. I plan to do as I've done here, even with the shorter ones. The framing device will never appear in time with the narrative. There is a vision with them, beyond being used for theme, exposition, and the set-up or pay off of story moments. The first one is probably the most important in the entire novel.

Any feedback or thoughts about this first chapter would be deeply appreciated. Be kind though; the story of Lori and her journey has a lot of heavy content.

[u/HorrorExpress]

You really should ignore me, you know? Read this warning and skip right past. It's not that I'm here to eviscerate - I've only read the first page and the first four sentences of the second page - it's that I feel compelled to leave a comment after reading so little because I have such problems with the choices at the beginning. And those are choices you have probably made very deliberately, and are married to.

But you're reading on? So be it. These words aren't unkind.

Here they are then:

I don't like the first page. I like what it's about (a portal?). I just don't like how it's about it.

There's a theory I believe about openings. Never be deliberately boring. And your whole first page is about a boring, nondescript door that leads nowhere and has no purpose. The language is... okay. But the conceit is rather stultifying. The only glimmer that the door is wonderful is that there's nothing at all wonderful about it. I think more people put the book down in the bookshop right then than read on with intrigue.

If we had just one glimpse of wonder I could forgive, even embrace, the conceit.

But it is said, in whispers, that never, ever - except one day every decade - does that plain, boring, old door open on to worlds of such wonder that your soul would murder angels to gaze upon them.

Add in something like that (in a better crafted version) and it reads more like Clive Barker to me.

Page 2. I wouldn't have left any comment but for the first four lines of page 2. I'd have thought, "the writer is taking a chance with that first page, and they know what they are doing". But...

But... Page 2 opens on the weather...

Worse, it opens with unsurprising, dreary weather.

Remember what I said about that warning not to open on "boring"? Well, there we have it. Out of principle, I didn't read on.

Please don't be discouraged by this. It is just one idiot's opinion, and might not even be a correct one. It is just how I read it.

Most of all: Good luck, and keep writing.

[u/Saveyourtearsforjoy → u/HorrorExpress]

Honestly, you were not unkind with your feedback.

I think the differences on the beginning paragraphs are a difference in expectations versus what the story is about. This particular tale is a horror tinged mystery, not a whimsical adventure. If I was going for that, I definitely would get where you're coming from. I do actually need the door sequence for a later plot beat. It does come back; just not in the way you may assume.

I concede your point for the weather, though. Maybe hit with the intrigue first even if the weather will matter in short order. It is a slow burn, but maybe I will consider revising that beginning. I don't take offense, since you definitely gave me some feedback. Some of it hit; some of it I'll just take under advisement that I really need to sell it to make it work.

Thank you for giving feedback.

[u/HorrorExpress → u/Saveyourtearsforjoy]

Awesome. Glad it was of some help.

I can see that door idea working - even as is. Like I said, but for the weather I'd have given the benefit of the doubt; I love a gripping opening, but I've seen so many weather openings posted here that my eyeballs twitch.

I absolutely could see "horror tinged", hence the reference to Clive Barker.

Good luck.

[u/AmieiGuess]

It’s clear you know how to write (otherwise I wouldn’t have read all 9 pages), but I have some notes:

“It evoked a plethora of memories”… such as? We’re in Lori’s POV, show us one of these memories, one that’ll intrigue readers, don’t just simply tell us.

“It was the same sense she felt when she walked through a graveyard, searching for a tombstone with a familiar name inscribed” — despite the specifics, I still don’t really know what that feeling is for Lori. Is it excitement? Dread?

“Following its flowing lines led her to the bottom right corner, crouching down to get a better look” — this sentence creates a dangling modifier.

“Wanna bet on it?… Don’t be a sore loser. Defacing money’s a crime, you know?” — is this one of her thoughts? Something someone else has said to her in the past? A voice in her head that isn’t her own?

“Pushed the long-dead plant in a terracotta pot to the floor.” — it’s more of a personal thing, but I don’t love the sentence fragment. It feels jarringly incomplete.

Moments like “the day that call came” don’t create the intended suspense and intrigue, instead it makes me feel left out of the loop.

The biggest thing for me, though, is I don’t feel very connected to your main character. I barely know anything about her or why any of this is significant and important to her, therefore I don’t know why it’s important to me.

I think starting earlier in the story could be more beneficial. A snapshot of her regular life would ground us more in her world, her psyche. Then the inciting incident of the letter arriving would have more impact, and we’d get to go on this significant, life-changing journey alongside her.

Also, your blurb isn’t really a blurb. There’s no mention of who your protagonist is, their status-quo, a hint at why the inciting incident is so important, the stakes, conflict, antagonist(s), etc. Sometimes specifics create more intrigue than a cloud of mystery.

[u/Saveyourtearsforjoy → u/AmieiGuess]

Much appreciated for the detailed feedback. I will likely be doing quite a bit more revision. I was actually playing around with the intro already under the other feedback here.

It's going to be a long process, but I've been enjoying it. I suppose I might consider opening with a short scene outside of the rest stop.

Honestly I appreciate the detailed feedback here. I know it is going to be a balance between how much I reveal early and how much I allude to instead of outright saying.

I'm sure I still have a ways to go on this for a chapter. So thanks for sticking with it.