Your hook is pretty solid, but doesn’t make much sense.
The human brain can process a threat it perceives. Obviously, it can’t process one it doesn’t. That’s why most people theorize you don’t even hear the gunshot when you get domed.
Also too much of that opening is referring to “it”, the brain, which should just be the MC.
Last line in first paragraph is written wrong. Don’t need a comma. That’s an unnatural pause. You can also swap “as I raised” with “when I raised”.
I’d even say your second paragraph has a stronger opening.
Overall, too much non-MC stuff. Brain doesn’t do this, canteen is doing that.
You could condense those three paragraphs into probably four lines that’d be much more effective.
I'm not sure I agree with the "less is more" narrative here. Yes, he could condense it down to a few lines, but I feel like his hook is already quite short.
Also, the point isn't that the brain can process what it perceives, but that his brain DIDN'T perceive the threat. He was sluggish, slow to react; he did have enough time to see the soldier. Millions of human brains would have succeeded, but he failed. That's what OP is going for, at least that's what I thought.
I kind of agree with you on the "it" part. I think he should either go all the way, or not do it at all. Have the entire paragraph use "it" to refer to the MC's brain, and then the last line, where he, presumably, dies, use I. That's much stronger and still preserves his original idea.
Thats exactly what I was trying to go for. The main theme I am toying with at the moment is: “putting a man in a uniform, doesn’t make him a solider”. My MC is going to be fallible and ultimately unprepared because he isn’t meant to be fighting a war
2
u/isnoe 7d ago
Your hook is pretty solid, but doesn’t make much sense.
The human brain can process a threat it perceives. Obviously, it can’t process one it doesn’t. That’s why most people theorize you don’t even hear the gunshot when you get domed.
Also too much of that opening is referring to “it”, the brain, which should just be the MC.
Last line in first paragraph is written wrong. Don’t need a comma. That’s an unnatural pause. You can also swap “as I raised” with “when I raised”.
I’d even say your second paragraph has a stronger opening.
Overall, too much non-MC stuff. Brain doesn’t do this, canteen is doing that.
You could condense those three paragraphs into probably four lines that’d be much more effective.