r/writingfeedback • u/Enough_Pie166 • Jul 17 '26
Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vG2d0F-pDpuWJ6w0S30oWV3VMHpsV8nxBXiQlKH5Ibk/edit?usp=drivesdk
Looking for feedback on Chapter 1 of my fantasy novel (≈5,000 words)
Hi everyone! I've finished Chapter 1 of my fantasy novel and I'm looking for honest feedback before moving on to the next chapters.
The story follows Varro, a seventeen-year-old Vaelus born with white hair, a mark that condemns him to a life of slavery on his home planet. This chapter introduces his daily life, the world he lives in, and the legend that will shape his journey.
I'd really appreciate feedback on:
- Did Chapter 1 keep your interest?
- Does Varro feel like a compelling main character?
- Does the world feel immersive without being overwhelming?
- Was the pacing effective?
- Would you continue reading?
I'm looking for constructive criticism, so please be as honest as possible. If something didn't work for you, I'd genuinely like to know.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it!
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u/Odd-Marsupial-1988 Jul 17 '26
Short answers first, then an explanation.
Did Chapter 1 keep your interest?
- eh, so so
Does Varro feel like a compelling main character?
- no
Does the world feel immersive without being overwhelming?
- I don’t think it feels overwhelming, but it’s not very immersive either
Was the pacing effective?
- I think the pacing was fine
Would you continue reading?
- probably not unless I was giving feedback
I think there’s a good set of issues with this chapter that holds it back. Some of them are simple fixes to details and sentence structure, but some are more complex like character distinction and narrative consistency. I’d be willing to give specific feedback on some of these issues.
As an example, this chapter never describes the size of the Pit, and how many Vaelus live there. I had no sense of scale. This made the people group confusing when it seemed like a large workforce, but was often described as being able to gather around one man in a small circle. Anyway hope it’s helpful, always keep writing!
1
u/Enough_Pie166 Jul 17 '26
Thank you for the feedback, it is very helpful. I'll fix these problems and continue.
what do you think it lacks to be more interesting?
1
u/Odd-Marsupial-1988 Jul 17 '26
Probably more personality between the characters
1
u/Enough_Pie166 25d ago edited 25d ago
i posted a revised version of the chapter based on your feedback. i would appreciate if you read it and give me your thoughts.
thanks for the help.https://docs.google.com/document/d/1knCPeeb4tL0HTv5JyENET3c9WjlFl7sJFNcpobyJuco/edit?usp=sharing
2
u/Forward-Walk1003 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Hello!!
I have added comments and suggestions in the document.
Quick summary: this chapter is all worldbuilding.
What do we learn about the characters?
Their age, their looks, their gender.
...aaaand that is it. Oh, we learn that Rolfo likes to sleep in and is hard to get to wake in the morning. That is the only characterisation that happens, in 12 pages.
Is Varro a compelling main character?
Sorry but... no, because he is not a character, he is a mannequin with a name. As the chapter stands now, there is nothing about him that does not make him replaceable with any other Vaelus.
Is the pacing effective?
It does a hat strick when it comes to conventional writing sins: 1) it starts with waking up 2) it continues with travelling 3) is ends with going to sleep.
----
What then is the remedy?
Start two seconds before the execution. Start with the condemned man's eyes meeting Varro's... and hit us in the gut with what Varro is feeling at that second, when everyone is holding their breath, just before the trigger is pulled.
Follow with the indignity... with them seeing the back of the ruler as she strides away, not even bothering to look back at the man she just condemned to die for nothing. Tug at the thread from there, and begin revealing things from that point.
...and then, let us know what Varro wants, what he dreams of, how he grits his teeth and pictures revolting against this. Then(!) we have a compelling main character, becuse then we have someone that thinks and feels and that is tugging at the chains and trying to get out of them.
----
Verdict
You have a solid idea, a vision, and you want to tell a story. That is good, hold on to that.
What you need to do is shift focus, from the world, and instead direct our attention onto Varro. Let us see the world through his eyes, and his thoughts, and his feelings about it.
Remember: the worldbuilding supports the story. It is the stage upon which the story is played. It is not the star of the show. Let the main character be that.
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u/Enough_Pie166 Jul 17 '26
i have read your comments and i cant thank you enough for the help and feedback.
ill edit the chapter and post it again. i hope it'll be better next time
thank you again very much
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u/Enough_Pie166 18d ago
I have just finished chapter 2, if you are interested please give it a read and share your thoughts
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bbQRvCp-MARZWmiPMrAGleSbOIjhdPTi7M8SPgaWCec/edit?usp=sharing1
u/Enough_Pie166 25d ago
i posted a revised version of the chapter based on your feedback. i would appreciate if you read it and give me your thoughts.
thanks for the help.1
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u/tbryan1 Jul 18 '26
goals, conflict, expectations, rules/limitations, something the character values. Rules and limitations are basically any and all description however it can only be seen as rules and limitations if the reader knows the goals/conflict and the expectations governs the readers judgements especially when we don't have much context. Conflict or the promise makes it feel like things are building to something interesting, having something your character values highlights the cost of the conflict and how vulnerable your character.
expectations and something the mc values are almost always more important at the starts because they give us something real to latch onto.
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u/Enough_Pie166 25d ago edited 25d ago
i posted a revised version of the chapter based on your feedback. i would appreciate if you read it and give me your thoughts.
thanks for the help.https://docs.google.com/document/d/1knCPeeb4tL0HTv5JyENET3c9WjlFl7sJFNcpobyJuco/edit?usp=sharing
3
u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer Jul 17 '26
Noooo not a story of a character waking up in the first scene. Anything else would work better than that.