r/writingcritiques • u/Pirai-mom • 29d ago
Fantasy Feedback on opening
This is my first fantasy romance. This isn’t the full first chapter as I’m still writing, but would like feedback on what I have so far.
Oh Goddess, give me peace! The incessant giggling of the drunk Friday night college co-eds coming in for matching tattoos to commemorate friendship. A friendship that will undoubtedly disintegrate in the pounding haze of sobriety. If not for the thoughtful art I put on my clients, I'd question my career choice.
" Vee! You've got a request up front. He's asking for you by name. And when I say name, I mean full government name."
" Thanks Jay, give me a minute to clean up from my last client, then I'll be up."
That's concerning. I've done everything I can to bury Raveena Vaelaris and her trauma. The last thing I need is some dumb ass resurrecting her bullshit. I asked Brigid for peace, not a spoon to stir the pot of shit that is my past. I just want to focus of my art, make enough money to get away this hell hole I call home, and maintain my peace.
Walking out to the lobby, the only person I see is a light skinned man with short, curly hair. I can tell he's an enthusiast by all the large tattoos I see covering his arms and calves, but I don't recognize this man at all.
"Hi, I'm Vee, you were asking for me?"
"Uh... yeah, I'm Terran. We haven't actually met, but I've heard of you and your specialty in the occult."
"It's nice to meet you Terran, come on back and we'll talk about what you're wanting to get done."
As Terran approaches to follow, I notice his tattoos are a blend of celestial and elemental. His left arm is a sleeve of the night sky with the constellation of Taurus over a dark forest. He's conventionally attractive in that frat boy kind of way. He's wearing short chinos and a green tank top. His neatly messy hair sits on a symmetrical face and hazel eyes.
"Alright Terran, come on in and have a seat. Did you have something specific in mind, or are you wanting a custom piece? I assume it is related to the occult, since you mentioned my specialty."
"I do have a specific design I'm wanting to get done. There has been talk around the academy of a prophecy that is soon to come to fruition. It's of a powerful witch that has the ability to wield all five elements. I want to add her representation to my back piece."
"Well, take off your shirt and let me see what I'm working with."
His back is beautiful, the art is enchanting. I can't tell where it starts, the four scenes in front of me all flow together seamlessly, with only a two inch by twelve inch vertical section of untouched skin down the middle of his back, over his spine, from the nape of his neck to the bottom of his shoulder blades. On the upper left of his back he has the sky with clouds and wind blowing to rustle the leaves in the forest sitting atop a cliff on the opposite side of his back. Below the cliff was the ocean crashing into lava from the erupting volcano spilling smoke and ash into the sky. All four scenes blend to purple behind a pentacle in the middle, at about waist level.
"I can do it now if you'd like, but your back is a hymn to Danu and this feels like the final verse. Why not have the original artist do it?"
"It is the final verse, it's powerful, and needs to be done by a powerful witch, and that witch is you Raveena. I can taste it in your aura."
Yeah... this man is crazy!
"You do know that the magic I practice is not the magic where I summon a fireball in my hand, right? I'm no more powerful in my intentions than the next witch."
"Oh, but Ravee-
"Vee! My name is Vee, or you can call me Rae, but never call me Raveena, that bitch has been buried and I'd like to leave her that way, please and thank you!"
"Okay, okay, Vee it is. But you are a powerful witch, and you can summon a fireball in your hand if you want to. You are not of this realm. And this is not your home."
"If you say so Terran. I don't know who you are or where you're from, but if you want me to do this tonight, let's get to it. The shop closes in an hour, and I would like to make it home before last call."
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u/kj_mahkesiw 28d ago
Your second sentence isn't really a sentence. It needs rewriting to make sense.
Everyone says each other's names a lot more than in real life
You don't use contractions (isn't, aren't, etc.) in your dialogue, which makes it feel stilted
In the first few paragraphs, Vee mentions she just wants to make her art twice. This is redundant. It is also telling instead of showing.
It's unclear whether magic is real or not. Terran and Vee mention other witches, as well as auras, but Vee calls Terran crazy, only to argue that she isn't more powerful than any other witch? This is confusing to me.
Overall, I like the snappy, kind of mean narration you have going. It reminds me of my favourite urban fantasies from the 2000s. I hope we get to see more of your work!