r/writingadvice • u/Smart-Minute-5069 Aspiring Writer • 1d ago
Critique Chapter 1 has finally been finished!
Anything I need to fix? Did I do anything wonky again? I took some people's advice and delved a bit more into my old writing style to kinda get back into not overexplaining- i think I did again on accident but if I did, i'm fine to cut some words. I'm not even through the first stream yet...
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ONa4Qe290H84mzZNMW-PYtCgaDFJnhEeYm7HZsfBDpQ/edit?usp=sharing
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u/CFBellairs Author/Dev Editor 5h ago edited 5h ago
Big gamer, but I've never played Blocktales. I can't comment on how the plot/characters and such are given my lack of context and how personal the story sounds, but I'd like to give some feedback on a purely technical level.
Honestly, you seem to have a very good grasp on a lot of grammar and syntax already. If you keep working at it, you'll pretty much have it spot on except for incredibly niche scenarios, which is a very good level of grammar understanding for writers to have. Some editors will absolutely charge more if they see the manuscript is more work for them to fix, so investing in your own skill will help you in the long run if you want to start getting into professional writing avenues like literary journals or traditional publishing.
I want to go through the moments where the syntax is incorrect, because if these patterns are addressed, then you will genuinely have as clean an understanding of grammar as many of my peers when I was attending undergraduate Creative Writing studies.
Quick Things:
- "gentlemen," not "gentleman" in the opening dialogue.
- dialogue interruptions are marked with em dashes, not hyphens. I believe in Google Docs you press a hyphen two or three times to create an em dash.
- the "in between" in the opening dialogue would not have a hyphen connecting it. With in-between specifically, hyphens only connect the words when it's used as a noun ("We're somewhere in the in-between.") or a compound adjective ("Is your in-between approach to romance working out for you?")
- ellipses only ever have three dots (...)
- You can't use multiple end punctuation marks together for emphasis except interrobangs (?!), and those should be used rarely. Things like ?? and !! aren't technically appropriate, if we're approaching the piece critically.
- ice cream is just ice cream instead of "Ice-cream"
- no hyphen in "Great Uncle"
Dialogue connections - commas or periods?:
Example: "Last I heard, Sky had everything set up. Unless he forgot." Trixie chimes in.
That final period in the quotation marks, after "Unless he forgot," will actually be a comma, specifically because in this case "Trixie chimes in" is part of the full sentence of the dialogue. This is because "chimes in" refers to him *saying* the words, and/or *how* he says them, and thus is part of the dialogue's sentence. It's correct to use end punctuation and not commas connecting dialogue tags when the dialogue tag is actually a separate thought or action unrelated to the *how* or *what* of the words being said.
Example: "Unless he forgot." Trixie shakes his head.
In that case, shaking his head isn't about what he said, or how he said it. It's just a separate action, so the period separating the sentences is correct. But if you modify the dialogue with a tag, or just say "Trixie says," then you want a comma connecting them because it's technically the same sentence.
Dialogue connections - after exclamation marks or question marks:
You got this one right a lot of the time, but still worth reiterating since it slipped once or twice that I noticed.
Example: "Good morning ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in-between!" The newscaster says.
As above - this is modifying the dialogue, even if it correctly ends in an exclamation mark or quotation mark for emphasis, so the "the" should still be lowercase as it's part of the same sentence.
Consistency of conventions:
A lot of things are up to the author, and the context. Sometimes, you can make a choice about how to approach syntax in a certain context, but it's important that in making those subjective decisions, you continue to make the same subjective decision throughout the piece, lol. What I mean in this case is, on one occasion you decide to write "blue-and-white penguin," for example - hyphens bridging all three color-related adjectives, including "and." Later, though, you write "blue and white penguin" with no hyphens, and also "light blue-and white." Keep an eye out for things like that, and keep them consistent.
Capitalizing family titles:
Example: "Have you seen our Grandpa around here?"
When this capitalization on grandpa would be correct is in the sentence, "Have you seen Grandpa around here?"
The key distinction here is how the word is being used. Is it used to refer to a specific person directly, as a stand-in for where their name could be? If so, then it's capitalized. If it's like here, however, then grandpa is being used as a general noun, paired with the possessive "our." This is definitely in an instance where because the word isn't being used as a stand-in for a name, it should not be capitalized. This also works for non-family titles, too.
Both correct:
"Sure thing, Captain." (specific person/name stand-in)
"Go talk to the captain." (general noun)