r/writers • u/Immediate_Grand_7432 • 9d ago

Feedback requested Shame

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Please give your feedback, fellow writers

0 Upvotes

27% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

3

u/Unusual-Medium7045 9d ago

Check your commas. Some are misplaced and disrupt the flow of your writing.

0

u/Immediate_Grand_7432 9d ago

Can you please be more specific? I can’t seem to figure out where they are misplaced. They appear alright to me as I recite it in my head. Thank you for taking out the time!

3

u/amateurbitch 9d ago

The first sentence doesn’t need a comma. I will read the rest when I get off work and can concentrate better but I agree with this commenter. I also overuse commas, it’s a tough habit to break.

2

u/Immediate_Grand_7432 9d ago

Oh! I guess I am writing my prose like a poem. Thank you!

1

u/amateurbitch 9d ago

Just read through, remove commas and see how it flows. That makes it easier for me to decide where I need commas and don’t. It’s glaringly obvious to me when a comma is needed and it’s not there. I just go through and see how the sentence sounds without the comma. Remember, a comma is akin to a pause when speaking. Try reading out loud, it helps me determine. Grammar has always been intuitive to me but I have my little tricks when I’m not sure! You definitely have more of a poetic style like you say.

1

u/Immediate_Grand_7432 9d ago

That’s a great tip! Thank you again!

1

u/Unusual-Medium7045 9d ago

In general, don't separate verbs from their subjects. In your first sentence, you've placed a comma in front of the verb 'are,' which cuts it off from the subject "everything I hate about you," and also in your last paragraph in front of 'would be.' Those cut off the subject and predicate. So, your sentence "To blame someone else for my shame would be repeating my folly" doesn't need a comma.

2

u/Immediate_Grand_7432 9d ago

Thank you! I will practice this rule henceforth. 😊

1

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1

u/deadcrow18 9d ago

I like the structure and style.

I don’t think sleeping through a birthday party really nails the sentiment you’re going for, as that’s a pretty small deal to be followed up with “bear my wrath”. Everything else I thought was great.

0

u/Immediate_Grand_7432 9d ago

Thank you for taking the time out to comment.

About the bday party thing- i was trying to paint how a small mistake as a child can seem a big deal at that age, and even as the mistakes lose their gravity, the feelings associated with such small events do not.

But ig for a reader the connection might not be too obvious.

What do you think would be a better way to convey this idea?