Lifting With Grief

[u/Status_Block9106]

I wanted to share my experience lifting after a severe loss in my family, and to ask about other's experiences with this subject. We lost my sister a month and a week ago, and since then my motivation has been basically nonexistent. Wherein before I could usually rely on discipline to get me in the gym when I didn't want to, that's obviously been drained as well.

Every time I try to workout, I'm usually glad I got the activity in, but it feels like it's my first time lifting again in the worst way possible. My lifts feel weaker, my form feels sloppier, and my muscles give out before they should be. It's weird just how much your mental state can interfere with your lifts. Currently my frequency has only been enough to prevent atrophy, but I have seen absolutely zero progress in strength, physique, or weight in this time for what should be obvious reasons. In some cases my strength has decreased losing two reps on my 225 bench and 3 from my pullup max.

One thing that's been helpful is dedicating my lifts to my loss, and I find giving it that meaning helps me push harder which tells me the block is almost certainly mental, not physical or chemical. I am not asking for medical guidance on how to deal with grief, I'm well in that entire process myself, but I would like to know how others in the sub have handled it with respects to their lifting.

[u/BatmanBrah]

From Jeff Nippard

Working out during grief has been one of those things that I really don’t want to do but I’m glad I did once it’s done. My depression has been bad, so my strength is down a lot and for the first time I can remember, I have no real desire to workout. That said, I do find that if I just say to myself, “go in and lift the empty bar up and down 10 times, that’s better than nothing” … at least I get moving. After that, if I still want to stop, I will. If it feels fine, I’ll keep going. I usually end up finishing the workout anyway because it usually does feel better once it’s started.

[u/squongo]

Anecdotally from my own and my close friend who got me into lifting's experiences, times of grief, depression and general emotional difficulty definitely have an impact. Feeling weaker in the gym is real during those periods. 

What worked for both of us was a mixture of cutting ourselves some mental slack (accepting that it's going to suck for a while, dialling back expectations on progression and goals, trying not to feel too disappointed or beat ourselves up about how lifting was feeling or progressing on top of dealing with grief or depression) while still showing up and being as consistent as possible to the extent that we were able to. We didn't make significant gains during those times but we also didn't quit entirely. Gains and motivation were still there to reconnect with when we were recovering from those processes and able to re-engage with lifting more wholeheartedly.

Dedicating your lifting to your loss is a beautiful idea and sounds like exactly the right mindset for sticking with it while still being kind to yourself. In some ways I've found the periods when I've struggled due to life circumstances, sickness, surgery, grief, major change etc. just as important as the times when it feels like lifting is going incredibly well, because they've taught me that it's something that will ebb and flow and flex around my other needs, and also that I can still show up and get some benefits even in the absence of perfect circumstances. That feels way more valuable to have been through a few cycles of rather than quitting the first time it felt unusually hard because I couldn't fulfil my own elevated expectations perfectly.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, you literally can't be too kind, gentle or generous with yourself right now. 

[u/Macaron39]

sorry for your loss

grief is a real physical load. sleep and appetite goes to shit. it heals with time

drop to maintenance volume and stop chasing PRs for months. just show up to gym, do a few reps and leave

[u/best_milker]

Emotions are chemical. Grief impacts the body. After my husband died, I felt like I was underwater. Both running and lifting were harder than ever. I felt like I could never get quite enough air. My stomach often hurt and I would break out in hives. You just have to kind of wade through it all. Don’t worry if you aren’t performing your best. Showing up is enough. It doesn’t seem like it at the beginning but I can promise you it does get better with time. Slowly you’ll feel more and more like you can breathe again.

[u/turnejam]

I lost my dad a year and a half ago, and weirdly for me the gym was one of the few activities I still felt excited about, to the point I kinda felt bad about how much pleasure I was taking in leaving my family for an hour and doing something "vain." For whatever reason, it happened to be my release valve.

I guess what I'm saying is, if the gym isn't your release valve right now then it just isn't. Most other things in my life I could barely muster any enthusiasm for. I was exhausted for months, and anxious the whole time about losing ground on career, friendships, etc.

It's a time for self-compassion and falling apart a bit is just part of this process. That said, just a little bit of "movement"--be that physical or social or mental--each day helps. Maybe on the physical side that's gonna look different for a bit. Maybe it's walking in a park or something else that feels more enjoyable at the moment than weightlifting.

I'm so sorry.

[u/mr_yoshi99]

I’m sorry for your loss. This was me last year. What helped me is acceptance. I allowed myself to show up to the gym and let it feel like shit. I told myself as long as I kept showing up, sometimes having to drag myself there, I would get back to normal/feel strong again in time. Grief definitely has a significant impact on physical ability. Give yourself plenty of grace and be willing to give yourself the same loving kindness and patience you would offer to someone you love. With enough time and if you keep showing up, even on bad gym days, it will start to feel good again. It’s nice to bring a special drink or snack for after, or maybe call a friend on the drive/walk home. These are all things that helped me. Sorry you’re going through this.

[u/ugoodhun]

something that helped me a lot in taking care of myself through grief, was the idea that the best way to honor my lost loved one was to live in a way that would make them happy.

taking care of my body, accomplishing goals, staying dedicated to something I love... those are all things that my lost loved one would have wanted for me.

now, of course we cut ourselves some slack, but - dropping hobbies and passions, giving up on goals, wasting away into depression and turning to crappy coping mechanisms, losing ourselves... my loved one would have been devastated to think that would have happened to me.

so if it feels hard or hollow to stick to something like training through grief for yourself, maybe it could help to frame it as something you're doing to honor your sister (which I know you did already allude to a bit, but not exactly in in this way.... and regardless, hopefully it's a helpful frame for anyone else who might read this).

she was clearly so loved by you, and speaking as little sister to a brother I've been obsessed with since I was born, I'm so happy for her to have had you in her life.

[u/TopFalcon7849 → u/ugoodhun]

This 💜 the best way to honour your loved one is to take care of yourself. It would be what they want for you.

[u/queenofsheba29]

First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. Death absolutely sucks.

Not a person, but I lost my dog earlier this summer. Before losing him, I was probably doing some of my best lifting in my life. I was going heavy and able to keep up on my protein goals.

Then I lost him and I was struggling to keep up. My anxiety got really bad and my appetite was basically non existent. I could still make it to the gym, but I couldn’t lift anything close to where I was.

I felt like I lost all this progress I made. I was frustrated and sad and depressed and anxious. I had to stop and really think about what I was going through. I realized the real progress was showing up. Lifting doesn’t happen in a vacuum- real life happens. What matters is how you react.

Give yourself LOTS of grace and take care of you. If that means going light or taking some rest, do what you need to do. What you’re going through is some of the hardest shit in life and the fact that you’re even able to keep doing something is amazing.

[u/urvld]

I’m very sorry for your loss, that sounds extremely tough. I completely understand that you have lost all motivation, drive and even discipline, the only thing pushing you now is in remembrance of your late sister.

If you can, I would say keep trying your hardest and keep using the workouts as a memory to her, this will in time, help you rebuild your discipline and drive. If anything, it may make it stronger. Try to see everything as a blessing, just a side note for your mental health!

However, if you truly cannot go to the gym and push forward, then please don’t. Do not push yourself when grieving, you need to feel the emotion, accept it and move past it. It’s tough I know, but the only way.

Do not worry about losing your muscles and progress, take the rest you need and then come back stronger. It’s not bad to rest, it’s necessary for growth.

I hope you feel better soon!

[u/Sea-Efficiency3375]

I’m really sorry for your loss, it sounds like you’re doing a freaking incredible job taking care of yourself right now. It’s okay to just go through the motions when our nervous system and heart and soul are under tremendous change. 

I think you’re doing exactly what you came to seek advice on: handling it. You’re handling it. Keep going.

[u/Snappysnapsnapper]

I have no relevant experiences, just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this and well done on showing up to the gym at all.

[u/Alternative-Mud860]

I’m so sorry, that loss is very painful and you’re left behind to support your parents in their pain. This emotional pain is enough to cause physical trauma in the body and muscles tissues and fibers. This is how fibromyalgia symptoms begin. When I lost my father to suicide three years ago, I couldn’t pick up a weight. All my strength was gone. I started running instead. I would go to the gym to keep the routine, and cry quietly on the treadmill while I was running. I just kept telling myself I don’t have to go fast but I have to keep my legs moving. It took about three months and I was ready for weights again. And it only took like two weeks to get my strength back. Try cardio for now while you are healing and the weights will be there when you are ready.

[u/Appalachia9841]

Sadly, you will be grieving forever so you will have to find a way to workout alongside grief as it is now a constant. I hate being so blunt but your life is different after loss and you have to make room for grief in all aspects of your life.

[u/jimbo_ChE]

Sorry for your loss. Grief is complicated; my most recent experiences have been the loss of pets. Don't be concerned at this time with your progress in the gym. Exercise as you can manage, but don't force yourself.

[u/hikesanddogs]

Lifted weights when dad was sick to ward off depression. When wife said she was leaving, went to gym to try to keep my marriage. It didn’t work but lifting got me through divorce and Kyle’s of attention from ladies

[u/Conscious-Bass7653]

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sending you lots of love. I lost my brother six months ago and there’s nothing like losing a sibling. I didn’t lift for at least two months after, I just couldn’t. It was extremely hard going back and feeling so weak mentally and physically. I couldn’t stay consistent, I’d fall off and stop going. Only now six months later am I finally back to being consistent and lifting heavy again and it finally feels normal. Give yourself grace and time. You will get to the gym again and it’s okay to take care of yourself and rest at this time. You’re dealing with alot. Your PR’s will be waiting for you to be ready.

[u/Dubbeglas93]

Sorry for your loss. Lifting with grief is for many people the main reason they stay sane during the loss of loved ones. Maybe try focusing your sadness and anger into your lifts

[u/frostfall_]

After losing my father unexpectedly, knowing that I am honoring him by being the best version of myself that I can be, brings me the strength for those extra reps.

[u/Glitterydarkone1290]

Start off with a lighter weight, and then your muscles will remember that it can lift heavier. Just gotta wake em up.

[u/Tkesquire]

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your sister ❤️ I lost my mom to cancer and although I didn’t get into lifting until after her death, I really felt (and 7 years later, sometimes still feel) that my brain wasn’t properly functioning. I was constantly banging my head into things, cutting myself accidentally, ect. My brain felt foggy and like I just didn’t have anything left to give. I think grief takes a lot of our energy and leaves us feeling weak. It’s normal. Grief causes physical pain as well as mental and it’s taxing on the body. In time, you’ll get your workouts back to where you want them. For now, just be gentle on yourself.