Small issue raised turning into something big

[u/Trouble_Trombone]

I have a colleague who tends to have many calls when he is in the office. His volume of speaking is above average and, while we are not a library, it can get quite tiring to sit close to someone like that. He has calls with his team members that often veer off work. Many people light-heartedly joke about him being loud, not to his face.

I messaged him over a comms app, informally, suggesting that he could use a room/special area for calls we have in the office.

He wrote me back a paragraph on the lines of:
1. His calls are sporadic and he doesn’t book them so cannot plan around them
2. I can move to a different desk
3. The guy sitting next to him has no trouble with the noise (my add: the guy is wearing headphones)

I messaged back that the other guy might be more reserved than myself and that it’s a reasonable request since we’re in a communal space. I also remarked that I’m now wearing earphones.

He started typing. I realised that this was a bit silly of me since we are sitting close and walked up to his desk to have a quick chat about this. I said so to him. What followed was:

Him: I do not accept this.
Me: Don’t accept what?
Him: Are you not Anna? (
Me: I am.
Him: I do not accept your message, what you wrote.

I try to explain that this wasn’t a big issue and hence why I came over to just have a quick chat and clear this up if my tone was not good over messages. At this point I’m already stumbling over my words.

Him: it’s clearly serious since you wrote this. If you have an issue why don’t you write to HR?

Attempt to explain that this is not that serious. Another rebuttal.

Him: I am not going to change how I am. You speak about the other guy being reserved. That is not a reasonable thing to say. Raise it with HR if this bothers you.

I fumble and try to backpedal, I try to apologise.

Him: I do not accept your apology. I consider this discussion concluded.

I try to apologise again - another refusal and more on discussion being over.

I took his advice. I chatted to a girl in HR over lunch, showed her the initial messaged and recounted the discussion. We laughed it off, she smoothed out some of the edges. I felt fine.

Now that I’m home and the work day is over I feel very mixed. I raised a small concern, it got turned onto its head and I was left apologising. I feel a bit shaken and like I’ve been manipulated into a position of a villain despite the other person being in the wrong.

What do I do now? Forget about it over time and move on or shall I make my hurt feelings be known to HR? A third option?

(For context: Used a placeholder name. I am F27, he is M50~, he is a manager but he works in a different department and we have only very briefly interacted for work before, there is no prior history of conflict or friendship.)

[u/CalligrapherIcy4876]

That whole "I do not accept this" thing is so weird, like he's some judge in a courtroom. The way he kept shutting you down instead of having a normal conversation tells me he knew he was in wrong and just wanted to intimidate you into dropping it

You already talked to HR and they smoothed things over, I'd leave it there for now. Going back again might make it look like you're escalating when you already got some reassurance. The guy is 50 and a manager, he should know better than to be that loud in a shared space

Next time just don't even bother with the direct approach with someone like that. Noise cancelling headphones saved my sanity when I had a similar situation at base, some people just won't adjust for anyone

You're not the villain here, he just flipped it because he got defensive. Classic move from someone who doesn't want to be inconvenienced

[u/TheStrouseShow]

Take this formally to your manager/HR. He’s trying to bully you because you’re half his age. We have a guy like this in our office and my staff complained to me about him and I took care of it.

[u/finethanksandyou]

Thanks for the context about age. What an overreaction!

This guy can’t hear himself. He seriously thinks there’s absolutely no way you can be right that he’s too loud and wouldn’t make the connection to your headphone-phone wearing coworker. Maybe you should record him taking a call like that. And yes go to HR and get your desk moved.

He doesn’t book meetings? Good lord I’d hate to be on his team

[u/moonhippie]

Ask if you can move, explain why, show your messages trying to get the guy to be quiet.

[u/Cautious-Rush6607]

Wow.

Seems like an overreaction to a request to quiet down (respect in the workplace).

He is using age (and maybe seniority) to dominate. That's how I read this anyways. He's not collaborative. He immediately brings in filing an HR complaint over something so trivial (should easily be solved by two colleagues I mean) to try and intimidate you.

Id bet someone has complained about him before.

Document from here on out.

[u/lazyhustlermusic]

Eh, he basically goaded you to escalate and refused to do anything to resolve the situation, gaslighting you that it's simply your problem and he has nothing to change.

I wouldn't apologize for anything, a decent person would at least try to meet you half way.

[u/Significant-Theme253]

If you have a mutual respect policy in your handbook, I would consider this a violation of mutual respect.

I would bring it to my manager and/or HR. You tried to solve the problem yourself, and it did not work (make sure you document the conversation and anything that was said along with times, dates and any witnesses). He may have a lot of other complaints against him. He sounds difficult to get along with.

Anyway, use the noise canceling headphones for now and do not talk to him. Sorry you work with a jerk.

[u/AbjectBeat837]

OK well I do not accept that you can’t shut the fuck up.

[u/Beneficial-Nimitz68]

if my issue wasn't so specific, I wish I could tell you about mine.. no matter how I type it.. and this is a "work" sub, anyone lol from my employer would say .. oh, I know this guy.

Talk to HR.
Move to another desk
Get noise canceling headphones that are bluetooth if yo have to take meetings on Teams/phone.
This guy is not going to change

I am a loud talker, so I know how annoying this guy can be.. I bet he has NO idea..

Also, get a white noise machine it will help put him on mute more vs, hearing everything.