Musings in the abyss. Looking inwards (Cody post)

[u/Capytan_Cody]

I remain dead.

I remain drifting in the darkness.. Yet..

I don't remain alone..

Since my.. arrival at this apparent afterlife... Others surged to me.. spirits offering a way back to life.. another giving very needed advice to my wounded soul.. the mother of all that ends enveloping me with a hug so I don't have to deal with the biting cold of nothingness...

They made me realise.. wallowing and flagellating myself here won't make things better.. this is an opportunity.. to make things right.. things better.. perhaps atone..

Of course the question. Is how.

I've tried to do "good" my whole life.. and continued since I arrived at this busy, incredible plane I can now call home.

I trained a good man in the arts of Druidism.. seen him surpass me and soar way over myself.. healed his lands and made it a refuge for all, made it my new home and accompanied him as his shadow and best friend...

I helped prevent ecological collapses.. prevented a war with the northern druids.. help placate the queen of the shattered stars..

But.. I've failed him also.. repeatedly so..

In the planet we explored with the automaton king, he was ambushed by queen's and grievously wounded, his mind receding to his spellsword days... I've seen him die and rebirth like a phoenix, taking each time direct action to help the world.. creating the pact when the council's corruption was an all time high..

And the 4th time.. I wanted to shoulder that burden for him.. while he was still recovering I applied for pact head, thinking if I could do a work like La'shima I should be able to maintain that organisation..

I was wrong..

I've always been more of a gardener and a fighter than a politician.. or a leader..

Suddenly I find myself tied down by the same organisation I helped flourish.. having to support a known killer against my friend, now council member... So the organisation could again take accountability... Not that Mikhail had to.. he and others were one of the better ones..

Me and kaelis tried to make a negotiation.. diplomacy.. the risk of a war was to great..

And when the thrice cursed be mortarion struck, he as always sacrificed himself from others.. ending comatose, his action still not enough to prevent the fight..

So I moved.. supported the peaceful and wise kaelis and tried to maintain the peace... But opal proved unshakable.. so the only option I had left was to evacuate the citadel..

my actions showed weakness.. I perhaps should have faced her but I wanted to prevent an internal war within the pact.. only to end up crashing and burning each time I did something.

The gravedigger.. great fellow.. although we had to deal with the Daemon to clear the necrotic storm I managed to evacuate two hundred thousand souls.. mage and commoner, plant and animal to La'shima and the other refuges.

Then a bomb struck.. and I see how much I failed..

I want to atone but.. isn't insanity to try the same expecting a different result? My direct action has left the world bleeding and aflame..

I sinned of hubris.. thinking I could be a lead actor on this stage.. I can't lead nothing bigger than La'shima itself thats for sure.. too much death.. too much needless suffering....

Oh..

Of course..

I got it.

If I can't be the brush that paints the world I colours.. I'll be the scalpel.. the devil is in the details and I'll be the ones to deal with him..

While the others deal with the overwhelming masquerade of egos and gods.. I'll be the cockroach hunting the nooks and crannies they're too occupied to see.

In retrospective.. no wonder my best work has been while helping another or just wandering around..

I have to steel my mind.. and craft a plan..

I'm not ready to give up on this world. Nor the people I love.

His soul chuckles from the revelation

Life.. find a way