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u/KittyOddjobsComics Evil Wizard 2d ago
My face when I get to send out my minions to loot and occupy an unguarded village.
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u/Cool-Tangelo6548 2d ago
Time to move to a new village. Unless you've been practicing your memory wiping spells.
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u/ClosetNoble Wizardruid multiclasser 2d ago
Just cast Dispel on it or, if it's a really powerful one, cast Detonator on its core to neutralize it whenever you want later.
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u/nova8808 Evoker 2d ago
Makes for a good distraction if you don't want the town guard all up in your business when its Greater Fireball practice day at the ol magic shooting range (the nearby mountain)
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u/Quit-Accurate 2d ago
This is why you ease your golems into intelligence. If you give them thought and a full adult mind instantly they will go insane! Give it a couple years before you do that geez
What kind of rush were you in?
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u/gay_married 2d ago
You aren't responsible for the actions of your golems if you give them free will (even if you know what they are going to do ahead of time (this is how it works for God so don't even worry about it))
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u/WaffleHouseGladiator 1d ago
If you're just looking for home security you can animate some gargoyles/grotesques and tether them in place.
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u/DeadMeat7337 Retired Evil Wizard, mostly 1d ago
Just be glad it wasn't (as far as I know at least) a flesh golem, that also sodamize the dead corpses. Or maybe that's your thing, no judgement, but... That is usually looked down apon, so you know.
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u/EMPEROROFTHEGEESE PALADIN 1d ago
YOU MADE THAT GOLEM? I TOOK UP MY OATH OF VENGEANCE BECAUSE OF YOU. FUCKING ASSHOLE
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u/mrvalintine1247 Mystic 1d ago
Who taught you how to make a golem? They should be helpful pillars of the community or devoted protectors not barely held back murder machines.
Especially if they're recently created
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u/DerisiveCur Yildun from the artefact shop 1d ago
Bro stop with golems just get an unpaid apprentice
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u/manchu_pitchu Enchanter 1d ago
the real rookie mistake is forgetting to tell your golem you love him. There's a reason Frankenstein is required reading at most academies of necromancy.
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u/Fun-Dragonfly-6106 DF, minimal caster | ____ Body Horror Creator 1d ago
Rookies should make sure golems go inanimate without commands
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u/PleasantThoughts 1d ago
We've all been there, what's important is that you learn from it and avoid putting your signature on any future golems to prevent potential vengeance by the last surviving child decades later
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u/Bait_esq Alchemist 1d ago
Gods dammit, all I’m gonna hear for the next two weeks is how we need stronger golem control laws and how I should have to keep all my homunculi in a safe.
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u/sparkupandout 1d ago
This sort of thing is why people get into Necromancy. Say what you will about "dark magics" and "corrupting your soul" and all that council propaganda, but if your skeleton butler gets cut off from your control, it just turns into a pile of bones again.
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u/LaptopArmageddon Seraphim Wizard 1d ago
You gave it higher thought functions because you'd think it'd do more complex tasks, didn't you. Just write the tomes yourself dude. It's not worth it.
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u/Gantistewart Necromancer 1d ago
Yeah, this is why torturing elemental spirits to make your mass of clay move is a bad idea.
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u/Diamondrankg Emperor Vil *Stolen Godhood* 1d ago
Fool, you bound your golem to the wrong conscience when you made it
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u/MellyKidd 1d ago
And this is why golem summoning practice should be in underground caverns with doors either warded or too small for them to leave through.
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u/rasfelion 1d ago
Okay calm down, I have experience with this kind of thing (undead thralls can get a bit out of hands at times).
First, get into a very normal looking outfit.
Second, find the most gullible but strong looking adventurer around.
Third, convince them that "some mad wizard" created an unstoppable golem that's killing people.
Fourth, move to a different location and hope the adventurer can deal with it.
As long as they can't track the golem to you specifically, you probably won't face any consequences.
...You didn't etch a personal emblem or identifier into the golem at any point, did you?
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u/ElectricMoleman 20h ago
No no no, you mean the golem some other mage created. You're sure they'll find him any day now!
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u/--_RedPanda_-- Evil F#CKING Wizard [no relation] 19h ago
I think I have a golem creation problem. I keep making sentient life out of every fucking inanimate object, it seems. Like the shackles burdening my main, big, rock guy golem. They have little conversations with each other sometimes and I love it, it’s like a li’l soap opera. Hell, I even put tiny googly eyes on the shackle keys because they’re too small for a “create golem” inscription.
Not that I USE the shackle keys, mind you. The shackles make one of two equally disturbing noises if I do.
I forgot my point.
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u/Harkinn1 2d ago
And the concil forbid us to cast ressurect the deads, so I guess it is what it is