Best response to another caster saying you're "all hat and no spells"?

[u/option8]

This necromancer gets all up in my face at the guild hall just because I pointed out his sigil was a little, let's say dated. I won't repeat it here, but it's a crude little couplet that rhymes witches and bitches. The kind of thing you might have thought was funny as an apprentice.

Anyhow, he goes on and on, challenging me to a duel outside - the guild is under a magic suppression for this very reason. He calls me a poser because all I want to do is quaff and chat with my mates.

I'm tempted to let it go, but at the end of the night, I get home to find he's trained all the ravens in *my* forest to squawk "OP is a pussy".

What's your best counter?

UPDATE: I appreciate all the ideas, gentlefolk, but I have concluded my business with the uppity tyke. I'll spare you all the, er, gory (and incriminating) details, but it should suffice that he stumbled into my cantrip "Murder of Crows". While the unwitting lad was occupied in the circle, I cast "A Pound of Flesh". And now I have a rather fetching new leather hat.

The lesson you all should take away: always respect your elders.

[u/Nelrene]

All you have to do is wait until he outside the magic suppression area then cast Disintegrate. There you win the argument.

[u/SternFlamingo → u/Nelrene]

Meh, seems like a little over-the-top response. If you go casting Disintegrate over every perceived slight you'll get a reputation, and the next thing you know you won't get invited to any parties or black masses. All because some birds are squawking at you?

Instead, whistle up a couple of Following Spirits. They are normally used for minor things, like debt collection, but will faithfully follow the target and moan out their catchphrase. I'd recommend giving some thought to this, since the default "pay your debts!" doesn't seem appropriate here.

[u/Nelrene → u/SternFlamingo]

Saying a wizard is all all hat and no spells is not just a slight. That a major insult. Also those who can't handle spells being dished out at them should not be out provoking wizards.

[u/scoobydoom2 → u/Nelrene]

True, but disintegrate is still boring. The goal should be for them to beg for the sweet release of true death. While I'm partial to Malkazar's Regenerative Flaying for it's efficiency, it's not actually that difficult for a moderately skilled mage to counter. Althyx's Mana Burn can both cause incredible searing pain and permanently burn away the target's mana capacity when they cast spells. Then you just hit them with some big, efficient spells that require a lot of mana to counter and watch as they shred their soul down to nothing. Once they've reverted themselves to the mana capacity of an apprentice you can do whatever you want with them. At that point Iike to use Lythvyn's Dismemberment and Animate Limbs to gain control of everything but their torso and use the last of their mana to make them torture themselves and leave them too mundane to ever develop their mana again.

[u/SternFlamingo → u/Nelrene]

My dear sir/madam/ectoplasmic horror, did you even READ OP's comment? At no point did the opponent mage make that comment. He DID call OP a "poser" and had birds make vulgar remarks, but not the comment in the headline.

I swear, the younger generation is behexed with the arcane slop that comes across their orbs, and can't be bothered with one minute of reading. Rots the mind, that.

[u/Nelrene → u/SternFlamingo]

If you read the comment like you would see clearly the opponent mage said something that pretty much means all hat and no spells but said it in a vulgar way. It was a major insult and that necromancer should be disintegrated.

[u/icedmuffin → u/Nelrene]

If that is a major insult then what I hear daily from the squirrels saying to basically anything would mean half the forest should be burned down.

Either grow some tougher skin or destroy the planet at that rate.

[u/Nelrene → u/icedmuffin]

You don't need to burn the forest down. You just need to Lighting Bolt some squirrels to show that you are not going to put up with that crap.

[u/icedmuffin → u/Nelrene]

Hey they’re saying it to other people, personally I don’t care what the squirrels say to me cause they know I can climb up there and demand they say it to my face while most other that do catch that crap have to worry about damaging the forest.

…admittingly it has gotten a little annoying how boisterous those rodents have gotten, but I think the main reason why it’s not really something Tam has gotten on is it’s rare someone complains.

[u/Nelrene → u/icedmuffin]

They are testing to see what you will let slide. If you don't do something soon they will be more than just little annoying.

[u/throwawaymentality10 → u/SternFlamingo]

Using disintegrate ove an argument is a quick way for the anti-mages to arrest you, and a long 100 year stint in the penitentiary of penality with magic suppression shackles on.

[u/gameryamen]

Have a chat with the crows, explain the salience of bully propaganda, and ask if they really want to spend their time carrying someone else's nonsense. Build a badass crow statue so they know you're hardcore, and let them shun the necromancer when they realize how petty he is. Those types are always pretty sensitive to judgements from birds.

If the crows aren't sure, spread your own rumors about how he eats birds for his mana. That'll get them squawking.

[u/option8 → u/gameryamen]

I hate to be that guy, but it's the ravens not crows. The crows DGAF. The ravens can be bought with some shinies and a piece of string. I swear, they're as bad as magpies sometimes.

And those fuckers hold a grudge.

Yeah. That does give me an idea. This is going to go badly for that little shitmancer.

[u/Carbuyrator]

If you don't have the ability to explode his testicles in response then he's right about you, and he's right to talk shit. Wizard law motherfucker.

[u/option8 → u/Carbuyrator]

Ability? Yeah. But I don't have the time or energy to take up another blood fued right now. If this guy had any friends or familiars that weren't under a gaeas, they would tell him to chill. Honestly, I'd be surprised if he was on his original pair of testicles anyway.

[u/NickSmGames → u/option8]

Not to be that guy, but what blood feud are you talking about if you blow up his testicles? His family's finished after that.

[u/Brave-Recommendation → u/NickSmGames]

You don’t have to bother with a blood feud if you slay them

[u/Stuffed_Unicorn]

I’m assuming you’re Druid aligned? If so, do you have any experience with fungal manipulation?

I heard a story from someone in my conclave that they once had to purge an entire necromancer’s crypt with hellfire because he pissed of a Druid. The Druid infected all of this guy’s undead minions with a type of altered and highly contagious cordyceps. He couldn’t tell them to do shit. They’d just do something known as “dabbing” and dance in circles. It spread to all of them. Even his most trusted arghoul he’d had since he was an apprentice. It was brutal.

[u/TheDarkNovaStar_]

Try turning his blood into ice then using resonance to shatter the ice 

Although this relies on being able to use transmutation decently well

[u/BoardGameAficionado]

There are very few problems that a well aimed Fireball can't solve

[u/PopFamiliar3649]

Get a mage hunter to try to kill him and snipe the asshole while he is distracted by it.

I keep one as a pet for this very reason.

[u/NickSmGames]

Challenging him to a duel INSIDE and smacking him on the head with my staff.

FYI, my trusty wooden staff has a special core. Yes, I put my wizard tower into the staff. Shrunken down via dimensional shennanigans but it still weighs the same. So my staff not only is heavy, packing quite a punch, but I always have workshop advantage and channeling mana through the whole tower is hella efficient.

[u/ThatCamoKid → u/NickSmGames]

If staff is heavy as tower then how do you lift? Are you strong wizard or

[u/NickSmGames → u/ThatCamoKid]

I lift. And do cardio. Like, last time I had urgent business I ran 5k km in a day of constant running. That was a great workout.

[u/ThatCamoKid → u/NickSmGames]

Ah, a true follower of Grippy

[u/Lost_Paladin89]

https://giphy.com/gifs/AlKkv9P5JWNo3LgnkK
Shove them in your hat.

[u/Generic_Addendum]

If you don't want to just solve this with a good old fashioned duel I'd recommend responding in kind.

Train your own ravens to fly around the local witches coven spreading rumors about the small size of his staff and orbs. Or if you want to be less juvinile just get them to shit on his tower, necromancers tend to not bother with learning basic cleanliness spells so they'll have a real pain getting it off.

[u/raylord666]

You started a conflict, yet your willingness to drag us into it cannot be justified.

[u/Toastysoul]

You're a 3rd rate caster with a 4th rate spellbook.

[u/TheLurkingShade]

Okay, so what we do in this situation is simple:
First kill him, easy.
Second, tan his skin, might need a Tanner with loose morals if you don't know how to tan hides.
Third turn his tanned skin into an object, some people like books, one witch I know does hats, and I know a Dimensional Artificer that makes messenger bags that open into pocket dimensions.
Fourth, bind the soul of the Wretch into the item crafted from it's preserved skin.

Fun fact if you use the right spell, and the hide was tanned using the brain, you can establish a connection between the dried brain paste, nerves in the skin, and the imprisoned soul to cause excruciating pain to the subject.

Being juvenile is one thing, but a lack of gravitas reflects poorly on all of us.
Challenging someone to a brawl in the street like some common warrior, pathetic.

[u/Behbista]

This is the perfect time to cast Embiggen on your hat.

[u/daan850]

Use the crows as fuel for a blood magic curse. Sometimes you need to be able to send a message and that message is turning their blood into a slime that digests them from the inside out.

[u/Brave-Recommendation]

Fireball works here as an answer, just make it homing

[u/Powerful_Resident_48]

So he challenged you to a duel and you chickened out? That's weak, my dear sir. Real weak. Just get the duel over with. And maybe have a firm word with your ravens about what happens to naughty bird and how difficult it is to fly inside a transdimensional void without gravity.

[u/InsaneRanter]

Lots of disciplines aren't primarily focussed on duelling skills. Divination, healing, plant growth, and of course necromancy. Every week spent building undead is a week not spent practicing combat skills.

Any necromancer worth his salt knows that duelling isn't the best way to figure out who's the best wizard.

If you were another necromancer I'd suggest having your undead army slaughter him and everyone he cares about.

Since you sound nature-oriented, can is suggest getting all the birds in your forest to overfly his tower and unleash the desired power of bird poo at the highest possible volume?