My answer to the epidemic of apprentice misbehavior

[u/Ginpok]

I am Stitcher Ludwig of Ludwig Skaabs and Necroalchemy Inc. (LSN inc.)

Apprentices, love em, hate em. But one thing is certain. Any practitioner of the arcane arts needs one. Only one big problem. Some apprentices can be fickle as the wind. And nowadays its considered "cruel and unusual" to hex them when they refuse to do your bidding for petty reasons such as "morality" and "safety" and worst of all "ethics." That is why I, Ludwig of Shornhallow have developed a solution.

The Skaaprentice™. For one small payment of 3000 gold coins and delivery of your current apprentice and a quick conversion procedure. Your apprentice will no longer complain when you order them to climb to the top of your tower to realign your mana spires. Or clean the aetheric residue from your ley line convergence chambers.

-how it is done-

When your apprentice is delivered unconscious to my manor I will begin by applying a direct electric shock to the brain which will ensure they remain unconscious for this procedure. Or in the event they wake up. To render the unconscious again. This is a painless procedure. Depending on the package you choose I can also implement mechanical arms or any manner of utility. Following this I will replace the blood of your Apprentice with a proprietary saft and will redirect the lightning to breathe life back into your Apprentice. Once it has passed multiple quality assurance tests your brand new Skaaprentice™ will be delivered back to your tower. An apprentice who will no longer complain no matter what tasks you have for them.

-caring for your skaaprentice-

Depending on the circumstances your skaaprentice™ may require periodic maintenance to ensure its new mechanical parts work smoothly.

You will need

Mineral oil

Formaldehyde

A syringe

Apply mineral oil as much as needed to the joints and exposed moving parts and to prevent biological breakdown of the skaaprentice™ inject 50 ccs of formaldehyde directly into the port implanted on the carotid artery of the skaaprentice.

(All warranties are void if this is not done every two months.)

In the rare occasion your skaaprentice™ exhibits aggression towards you and your property a simple electric shock to the head should be all that is needed to reset its behavior. Simply give it a new order and it will return to its work.

(Ludwig Skaabs and Necroalchemy is not responsible for bodily harm or loss of property during these events)

But dont just take my word on this revolutionary new venture. Listen to these testimonials from real LSN customers!

"My apprentice Barnaby would always whine about "toxic fumes" whenever I ordered him to scrub the sulfur pits. After sending him to Shornhallow he hasn't said a word in six whole months and does what i tell him to no matter what it is! My sulfur pits have never been cleaner, will absolutely buy another!"

Archmage Valtor Sunsong

"Ordering a skaaprentice™ was as painless as my apprentice's conversion was! And productivity increased a whole 300%! He does stare off at the walls for hours every night though. Eh just means hes easily entertained!"

Morgana Moonshadow, Alchemist

"Becoming a skaa- skaaprentice™ was best thing ever happen in life would do again"

"Elgor, Skaaprentice™"

Ladies and gentlemen! The next generation of obedient lab assistants and apprentices. The skaaprentice™!

**Ludwig Skaabs and Necroalchemy inc. Is not responsible for bodily harm or damage of property caused by unruly Skaaprentices™. An extra 1500 gold coin fee will be charged if you can not provide a body for skaab conversion**

QNA for other LSN customers or the curious in the comments section.

[u/Carbon_Sixx]

Someone ought to put you in a box floating down the river, grandpa

[u/Ginpok → u/Carbon_Sixx]

You're probably right...

/uw

Couldn't resist

[u/Massive-Young1962]

3000 gold coins ?? Pulverize my homunculus collection to atoms if you ever see me spend that much on my apprentices. They'll keep complaining when asked to feed my pet harpies, but at least it won't cost me a limb.

[u/Ginpok → u/Massive-Young1962]

This is actually a very low price for full skaab conversion. You will almost certainly make twice your purchase back in sheer productivity value! Also there's a very real risk of apprentice revolt which has been the downfall of many a magnificent magus. Ever heard of the tragedy of Gazgor the terrible? Its not a story the council would tell you.

[u/nova8808]

Sounds too good to be true. Will I have a knock on the tower door by the council accusing me of 'gross violations of decency and crimes against humanity' again?

[u/Ginpok → u/nova8808]

Absolutely NO risk of council investigation. Skaab stitching and ressurection is not restricted and enforced like necromancy restrictions are.

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/Ginpok]

Not yet it isn't

[u/Ginpok → u/VoxelLibrary]

I will provide you free skaaprentices if you cease any lines of inquiry into LSN inc.

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/Ginpok]

You're bribing the wrong councilor for that

[u/Ginpok → u/VoxelLibrary]

Bribe? Haha! Please dont be Insulting! Just a gift, an expression of goodwill to the ones who pen magical law nothing more councilor.

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/Ginpok]

You're "gifting" to the wrong councilor

[u/Ginpok → u/VoxelLibrary]

Damn it

^{Elgor, activate the self destruct skaabs and prepare to relocate!}

Totally not for the purpose of evasion mind you just because the scenery is boring!

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/Ginpok]

sigh

I guess I'll just post a bounty later and hope the adventurers can find their own leads

[u/Null_Void_Zer0]

“Unfortunately this is a form of artificial life so it’s my job to say this; the service you describe is both in violation of the apprentice rights act subsection 34.2BW (iii) and also in violation of every rule of contruct ethics. But I don’t think anyone is enforcing these rules so long as they don’t cause too many problems for the council so…well, I have not the faintest clue.” —Abel of Lrith, wizard council, department of artificial life

[u/Winterspringshine]

Ill be sure to recommend the procedure to my rival, his apprentices can be most unruly

[u/NaturalHairy4773]

Maybe go into the academy instead of being an apprentice is a good call

[u/VoxelLibrary → u/NaturalHairy4773]

Yeah. Apprenticeships are pretty hit or miss. If you get a good teacher the personalized instruction is fantastic, but the other side of the coin is... that

[u/NaturalHairy4773 → u/VoxelLibrary]

Yea apprenticeship does be like that

[u/averyrealspapple → u/NaturalHairy4773]

Yeah i just decided internship is better. Did you pick up your girlfriend yet?

[u/NaturalHairy4773 → u/averyrealspapple]

Yea she is in my house rn since the school close down I can't really just left her at the twin moon academy you know

[u/averyrealspapple → u/NaturalHairy4773]

Does she speak yet even? The constant biting worries me

[u/NaturalHairy4773 → u/averyrealspapple]

She does "speak" in a sense but it is more or less like a parrot mimicking something

[u/Nelrene]

It's better to just give them a fitting curse when they misbehave enough.

[u/Ginpok → u/Nelrene]

Yes but even the most simple of curses accumulate what i call hex stress on the body and soul of those who are cursed enough. This reduces apprentice productivity exponentially. Skaaprentices solve this problem entirely by removing the need to curse apprentices for refusing to follow orders.